“Ma, really? Can you even be more corny than that?”
“Corny? Boy, please. You better ask somebody. This girl is as cool as they come.”
“Yeah, you are kinda cool,” he said with a bright smile.
My God! He just didn’t know and would probably never understand how I died a few different times when I thought I might lose him. Thank you, God, I said to myself again. It was a constant thing I did now. There was so much to be thankful for—including the fact that Rai hadn’t brought up anything that had happened. I was sure that it would be one of the first things he’d want to revisit. But with one more day before he was to be released, it still hadn’t become a topic and I was grateful as hell.
“I love you, Ma,” Rai told me out the blue after chewing a bite of his sandwich with a mouth full of fries.
“Aww, I love you too, baby. With my whole heart.”
“You sure?” he asked, after stuffing his face with another French fry.
“What kind of question is that, silly? Of course I’m sure. If I’m not sure about anything else, that’s the one thing that I’m absolutely sure about. Now finish eating because that non-hospital food has you a little delirious.”
“I’m not delirious, Mom.” He started to laugh. “I just had to make sure.”
“Okay, Rai, this isn’t funny. What’s going on?”
“Relax, Mom. Nothing is going on . . . not anything bad.”
“I’m listening.”
“I just want you to know that I’m not mad at you about all that Tyler stuff. I know you’re worried about that. I’m not mad at you. I understand why you did that.”
“Okay, babe.” I shook my head as nerves started to get the best of me. That topic was just not one I wanted to broach. “I appreciate that. And I’m so grateful that you’re not upset at me, because I spent a lot of time being mad at myself.”
“All you ever did was love me, Mom. That’s it. You take good care of me and you have a happy kid.”
My heart smiled at his words. Other than him waking up, there was no better news to receive. Rai pushed his table to the side of the table and pressed the button to lay his bed back a little bit.
“You feeling okay, baby?” I asked, standing up to assist, if need be.
“I’m feeling okay, just wanted to lie back for a few minutes.”
“Okay.”
“Mom . . .?”
“Yes, baby.”
“I know what Tyler was talking about that day.”
And right there the room stopped and my air supply cut. I felt like I was smothering as I tried to catch my breath. I felt lightheaded and scared. He couldn’t have just said what I thought he said. And if he did, what was it that he thought he knew?
“When he said that you weren’t my real mother and for you to tell me where you got me from.”
Immediately, my hands flew up to clamp over my mouth. Tears rushed to the forefront of my sockets and began to fall over my hands and down to my lap. I shook my head vigorously from side to side in shock. My worst nightmare had just come to fruition.
“Mama, please don’t cry,” Rai begged. “I don’t care what anybody says, Mama. That was why I went after him. I never wanted the words to come—from him and nobody else. I never wanted to hear that again and I knew that he was gonna say it.”
“But baby . . .” I sobbed. “How did you know about that?”
“I heard Rochelle say it to grandma one day when they were arguing. I was like eight or something like that.”
“So, you’ve known for almost five years? Rai . . .”
“Mama, I didn’t tell you that to make you cry. I told you so you could know that I don’t care about that. You’re my mother. You’re the only mother I know. I’m sad that you had to get back together with him because of that. If I had just told you that I knew—”
“Don’t do that,” I said, sharply. I rose from the chair, wiped my eyes and sat on the edge of my son’s bed and pulled him into a hug. “Don’t you do that. I love you so much, Rai. You hear me?” I felt him nod against my shoulder as he held onto me tightly. “You are my everything. My everything. We have each other and that’s all that matters. Nobody comes in our lives and makes us feel like this ever again. Okay, best friend?”
“Okay, Mom. I love you so much.”
“And I will never . . . ever . . . get tired of hearing that. I love you more.”
CHAPTER 54
Dario
Chanel and I walked into Bakesale Betty’s on Telegraph, not too far from the hospital, to grab food for us and Rai. This place had to have the best chicken sandwiches I’d ever tasted in my life—and I’d had some really good chicken. Their hours of operation were from 11:00AM-2:00PM, Tuesday-Saturday, with a suggestion that you call your order in, so that should say something about just how good they were. I made sure that as soon as they opened, I was on the line placing our orders for buttermilk fried chicken and coleslaw sandwiches with kettle chips.
“It smells good in this place,” Chanel said as soon as we walked in the door. She turned to me and smiled big after wrapping her arms around me for a hug. “Got my mouth watering, smelling like my Mama’s kitchen and thangs.”
I smiled and leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. “I haven’t seen you smile in so long. It’s good to have those bright eyes back,” I told her. “I don’t ever want to see that look of sorrow in there anymore and God help the soul that’s ever bold enough to take you there.”
She held on tighter. “I have everything to be happy about now. All the sad days are behind me . . . behind us. Only bright days to look forward to, Champ.”
“For sure that.”
“Yep. And guess what? I have something really good to share with you,” she confessed after we’d gotten our food and were headed back to the car.
“I’m dying to hear it. Should I drive while you tell me or you wanna stay here for a minute?”
“Just a minute because the way this food is assaulting my senses, I can’t take it for too long and I want Rai’s food to still be hot when we get back. Wait . . . actually, go ‘head and drive, babe. I’ll be done by the time we get back. I just don’t want to have this conversation in front of the kid.”
“Oh, I really need to hear it now.”
“Well, the mature little person that he is . . .” She took a few-second pause before proceeding. “He already knew about the whole situation.”
“What!” I gasped, in surprise. “Wait . . . about your sister? How?”
“He overheard her and my mother arguing about it years ago.”
“Hold on. Years?”
“Years.” She lowered her head briefly. “He knew for years, Dario. Held onto it and just moved right along. He said that I’m his mom and that’s all that ever mattered. He knew what Tyler was talking about that day and that was why he charged at him. He said he never wanted to hear the words spoken again.”
Just hearing that information made me regret not killing Tyler. It actually had me wanting to finish the job. He was a worthless waste of space who should be breathing air from the pits of hell.
“Babe . . . you listening?” Chanel asked, reaching over to touch my arm.
“Yeah, I heard everything. I’m just so in awe of that kid, man. I mean, it just shows how much he loves his mother. Amazing. And that sack of shit . . . never mind.”
“No, babe. We’re not getting worked up over him. That’s done.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “So, wow. Rai is every bit the amazing kid I knew him to be. I mean, damn. That’s just . . . phenomenal.”
“Right?” she proudly agreed. “Phenomenal.”
“Question for you.”
“Shoot.”
“You ready for my aunt’s house after Rai’s release?”
Chanel sank back into the seat and looked out the front window. “Kinda sorta. Scared a little bit, but ready.”
“Cool. I know it’s gonna all be fine. Beautiful, even. Are your mother and sist
er coming?”
“No on both. Rochelle and I had a talk the other day and we’re in a much better place. From day one, Rai has been my kid. I held him first, I named him. Period. She recognizes and honors that. And even if she didn’t, paperwork states that she has to. But no, we’re good. She’s his aunt. It’s who she’s always been. She says she’s thankful that it all came full circle. She’s remorseful that she didn’t try to reach out to your family before, but her reason is that she didn’t know how they’d feel about bringing a black baby to their front door. Her words not mine,” she chuckled. “But anyway,” she continued, releasing a breathy sigh and shaking her head, I assumed in disappointment. “My mother isn’t coming because she’s afraid of transparency.”
“Transparency? I don’t get it. Transparency of what?”
“She doesn’t want to be judged now that a new family is introduced into the fold. A new family with money and power. She’s intimidated.”
“What? She needs to meet everybody at some point. She’s gonna do it at some point, right?”
“I don’t know, and I’m not forcing her, Dario. I really don’t have time to do that. I can deal with her later. She’s all on this thing about reliving her past. She thinks that they’ll look at her with contempt for the fact that it was her young daughter to raise her grandchild and not her.”
“There were extenuating circumstances for that, though.”
“Right. But she sees it as a tool to judge her. She doesn’t want them knowing that she was strung out for some years. That she gave up her kids when we were two and three years old to run off with some dude that had her addicted to taking the tobacco from her cigarettes and replacing it with coke.”
“I’m sure that would be the last thing on their minds. Scratch that. I know that would be the last thing on their minds.”
“Tried to convince her of all of that until I just stopped. I was exerting good energy to that lost cause far longer than I should’ve been. She doesn’t see that out of her bad situation came some kick-ass shit. When I forgave her years ago, I said it to her. Not everybody gets the second chance at life that she did and she was ready enough, and brave enough to step into her new phase.” Chanel turned to me with an intense glare as we pulled into hospital parking. “This woman was strung out from twenty-three to thirty-five years old! That’s twelve years, Dario! But she did it. She met a girl who had an uncle who had the resources to help her.” Tears came to Chanel’s eyes. “I’m so proud of her, Dario. Yeah, life could’ve been a little bit easier and certainly different had she been there when I was growing up. But I wouldn’t have my son, so I didn’t need that life that could’ve been. I’m good. Having him is the best possible outcome for my life. But yeah, I tell her all the time how proud she should be and to stop beating herself up over the past. She did what a lot of addicts don’t do—accepted help. She did that and not only that, she recovered fully. This is a woman with multiple businesses, a 501(c)(3), owns her own home free and clear, and is about to get married to a good dude! You’d never know that she was a part of that previous life where shit was just all bad.”
I listened intently to Chanel pour her feelings out about her mother. “Baby . . .” I reasoned. “Unfortunately, even as proud as you are of your mother and how much you tell her that you’ve forgiven her, it’s not gonna resonate until she’s forgiven herself. She has this great life, but somewhere inside she doesn’t feel as though she deserves it. That’s what it sounds like to me. So, her being worried about how my family will look at her is really about how she sees herself through her own lens. You can’t do anything about that. Okay?”
“Okay,” she nodded. “And I get that. I guess I’m just still pissed about the long, drawn-out spiel she gave when I invited her in the first place. But you’re right.”
“Pssh, I’m always right.”
“Yeah, that’s false!” she exclaimed, laughing heartily. “That was a good one, baby. I mean, really good. Aaaand now that you’ve given me a good laugh, and my senses are working again, let’s get this smell-good up inside this place and chow down. Cool?”
“Not yet,” I said, leaning over to kiss her on the lips. “Now, it’s cool.”
CHAPTER 55
Chanel
The following week
The day had finally come when it was time to take Rai home. I was thankful and ecstatic. After having to spend three weeks in the hospital, it was going to feel good to be able to stay at home after my showers and get into my bed and sleep the night away. I hired two new managers in addition to the one I already had, to take care of the day to day at Suite 713 while I handled my personal affairs. And now, on the heels of Rai’s recovery, we’d be headed on vacation soon to celebrate his thirteenth birthday, and my thirty-second. Our birthdays were two days apart.
“Well, look at this young man decked out in all new gear,” Dario remarked as he stepped into the room.
“Hey Dario!” Rai exclaimed excitedly. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Are you kidding me? I’m hurt that you wouldn’t think I’d be here to take you out of this place! We got things to do, buddy. You’ve been cooped up in this place for weeks; surely you don’t think we’re taking you right home. Right, Mom?”
“Right,” I responded, giving Dario a knowing look.
“I kinda don’t mind going home. I haven’t played my video games in forever! I could go home and maybe Freddie can come over. Or maybe we can all go over to Dario’s, Mom. This time if I catch you guys kissing, it won’t be so awkward for you.”
“Ohhh, you’re so funny!” I said, bursting into laughter.
“Yeah, no more awkwardness, lady. There’s no such thing when you’re kissing your man, right?”
“Absolutely,” I spoke softly, blushing.
“Okay, young man, are you ready?” the nurse asked, standing near the bed with Rai’s wheelchair.
“Yep, I’m ready.”
Rai was all smiles as we left, and with my two guys by my side, I was cheesing just as hard.
~*~*~
Life was too good. Almost too good to be true and I just kept waiting for the ball to drop. Why, I didn’t know, but maybe it was just because of the events of late. But if Dario holding my hand in his as we drove along was any indication of a new reality, then I was sure that by the end of the day all of that paranoid thinking would crash and burn. I turned around periodically to look back at Rai who was so preoccupied with Lennox, that he barely spoke a word to Dario and me.
When we pulled into the long driveway and parked just outside of a huge garage, that was when I heard Rai yell out with excitement. “Freddie!” he exclaimed before throwing the door open for him and Lennox to escape the confines of the car.
When I turned to Dario with tears in my eyes, he was right there to give my hand a reassuring squeeze, before gently kissing it. “Baby, everything is going to be alright. I promise.” This was all a new beginning for not just Rai, but for me as well and I didn’t know how prepared I was. Nevertheless, it didn’t really matter how prepared I was because this was more about my son than it was about me. Truthfully, I wanted it for him. “See, look,” Dario said, pointing at an area in the distance.
I turned around to see Antonina, Veronika, Christoph and Giuseppe. The vision of Rai walking away from where I was and walking toward them tugged at my heart strings—in a good way. But even though it was in a good way, it didn’t stop the tears from returning.
“Baby, before we get out, let me say something to you really quick.”
“Okay.”
“I just really need to say that I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart for being there without question when we needed you. I walked away from you and lied about the reason. I hated myself for lying to you because you’ve never given me anything but the truth. I hated myself.”
“What’s this about, babe?” he asked quietly.
“In the hospital when I froze. You were asking what Rochelle was talking about when sh
e first brought up the situation with Rai. I stalled. I should’ve told you long before that moment, in that room. You’re the most honest, caring, and candid man . . . person . . . I’ve ever known. So, I’m so sorry. I need you to forgive me for that, Dario. I really need—”
“Hey, hey,” he said, brushing his hand against my cheek. “Listen to me. I don’t want you worrying about any of that. I came back because I was never supposed to be gone in the first place. I feel fucked up because I should’ve pushed for the truth. My ego allowed me to ignore the look that I saw in your eyes that day. So, you’re not at fault by yourself. I’m to blame too. I fed you to that motherfucker for four months because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do!”
The sincerity in his eyes made me love him even more. I could only stare into his eyes as he spoke, eating up all his words as though I needed them to sustain. And in a way, I did.
“You laid out for me clearly why he wasn’t worthy of you or Rai. I should’ve been on my game and figured out that something else was up. Shit, you texted me the day before, over the moon happy, about your spa day with pictures of the prettiest fucking shrimp salad I’ve ever seen! There wasn’t an ounce of sadness there. Not to mention the reason you gave me about my mother, we were past that. So, yeah . . . I share some of that blame, baby. I fucked up by allowing my ego to rule the situation. I knew that what we had was worth fighting for and I had no business letting somebody else slide into a position that he didn’t fit. As far as the hospital, that’s water under the bridge. I know your love for your son and I know that having to give life to any words or thoughts that implied otherwise, words, was a serious struggle. It’s all water under the bridge, baby.”
I closed my eyes and breathed a huge sigh of relief. “Thank you for all that you are. I love everything about you. I just do.”
“No thanks needed, sweetheart. And I love you right back. You ready?” he asked.
In the Ring: A Dario Caivano Novel Page 20