by Leo Romero
I caught what she was staring at and put a hand over her eyes. “Occupational hazard when you’re a shifter,” I told her as Olev marched away.
“Come on, Stone. We have to get out of here!” Olev said as he vacated the scene with Zane.
I nodded. “Let’s go.” I helped Aurora to her feet and she rubbed her tender head.
Ahead of us, Olev’s guys were already making their escape. I watched them race back into their sports cars and zoom off like it was a racetrack.
We made it to the end of the alley and Sergei was helping Olev put Zane in the back of the tangerine Ferrari. Olev spun to face me. “Come on, Stone!” he urged. He popped open the driver’s door and jumped into the seat.
“Get in the back,” I said to Aurora. I got in the passenger seat, while Zane was sandwiched between Sergei and Aurora in the back. His face was pallid and sweaty, and his eyelids fluttered like moth wings. Those wounds on his chest stood out, red and glistening; he’d wear those scars for the rest of his days with pride. Zane the little asshole had gone from beta male to hero with one brave leap. I was kinda proud of him.
He took a glance to his left. “Gabriel,” he uttered. “Why is there a...naked Russian man...next to me?”
“Would you prefer Chinese vampire?” Sergei responded. “Be my guest, we’ll take you back.”
Olev got the car started and pulled her away, and my face almost came off my skull. I grabbed hold of anything I could as we shot through the streets like a bullet.
“How did you know they were after me right now?” I asked Olev, my heart hammering in fear at the sheer speed we were going.
“We’ve been tracking their phones and hacking their emails since we found out they greenlighted you,” Olev told me. “Stupid idiots both decided to go after you tonight.”
“Olev, my guardian angel.”
“I can’t let a half-angel die at the hands of these creatures, Stone.”
“Ironic coming from a bearman.”
“We’ve got your back, Stone,” Olev told me. I didn’t know whether to be grateful or terrified. Man, I was making strange bedfellows. My closest allies were the Russian mafia, crazy necromancers, and mythical monsters. Man, my life sucks!
Olev shot through some more streets, while in the back, Sergei was trying to pull Zane’s jacket away from the wounds. In doing so, he found the Potion of Invisibility in the inner pocket. Sergei pulled it out, stared at it for a second, and unscrewed the cap. “Cheers!” he said and took a gulp without even knowing what it was.
Barely a minute later and he vanished from view. All of him except his nipples. They danced on the air like floating buttons. Sergei let out a laugh. “Hey, look at me!” he exclaimed, his voice laced with excitement as he wiggled his nipples. I turned and stared at those things in bemusement, my head and eyes rolling like I was trying to follow a fly. They were kinda mesmerizing.
“Hey, Olev, drink this!” Sergei said, and the bottle appeared out of thin air over Olev’s shoulder and fell on the seat between his legs. Olev looked down and immediately snatched it up. He unscrewed the cap, his palms still expertly on the steering wheel. He guzzled the stuff down without giving it a second thought, even though it was a brighter shade of orange than his car. Man, these guys were wild.
He put the cap back on and slung it over his shoulder. “Tastes like shit!” Olev said. A couple of seconds later and he was fading from view. All of him. I stared in astonishment as he went totally invisible, the steering wheel looking like it was being controlled by a poltergeist.
Hey whaddayaknow? It finally worked. I smiled in pleasant surprise.
And then I looked down.
I facepalmed. “Oh, for crying out loud!” Why the hell does that happen?
“Hey, Sergei!” Olev shouted with a laugh. “My prick didn’t disappear!”
“Bullshit!” Sergei said, his nipples moving forward toward us. Then, “Oh yeah, look at that!” he bellowed. “Don’t shoot!” Raucous laughter ensued.
I was so glad that these two were having so much fun.
Something out of the corner of my eye made me spin. Olev had veered into the wrong lane while admiring his floating manhood. “Look out!” I shouted.
The steering wheel swung the other way. We screeched across to the correct lane, narrowly missing an oncoming car. Its horn blared in our ears.
“Bastard!” Olev shouted back, blaring his own car horn.
The next thing I knew, Sergei started singing in Russian. Within a couple of lines, Olev joined him and they were both belting out Russian ditties. Their gravelly voices reverberated all around me.
I shook my head. We were racing through Chicago at a hundred miles an hour in a tangerine-colored Ferrari being driven by a dick.
“Gabriel...I think...I’m...going to die,” Zane wheezed.
“You not dying,” the dancing nipples told him. “We’re gonna get you the best doctor.”
“Who?”
“We call him Doctor No, because he not know what he is doing.” Boisterous laughter filled the car once again.
“It’s just the lycanthropy, Zane,” I told him. “It’s got into your system. The sweats, the shakes, the delirium. You’re turning into a werewolf.”
“Oh no,” groaned Zane.
“We need to get’cha some anti-lycan milk,” I said. “I think we’ve got some at the Guild, if not, I’ll have to go to the Chicago Underworld for some.”
“Hurry. I don’t want to...turn into...one of those...things!”
“Relax. As long as you get some before the next full moon, you’re okay. I’m more worried about your wounds. You’ll likely die of blood loss or infection if we don’t get you seen to.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll get him a doctor,” Olev reassured me.
“Good work back there, Zane,” I said. “Proud of you, buddy!”
“It was…for Aurora. I-I really...like you...Aurora,” he told her in a woozy voice. “I couldn’t let...anything happen to you.”
Oh man, he’s gone back into beta male mode! Quit while you’re ahead, you idiot! You risked your life for her, that’s more than enough. Actions speak louder than words, now you’re just undoing all that hard work and those scars on your chest will be for nothing!
“I...think I’m...going to throw up!” he added, and boy, was that the end of that!
Aurora pushed Zane’s head in the other direction toward the nipples.
“Hey, I don’t want him!” Sergei grunted and Zane’s head was shoved back the way it came. Zane leaned forward and he gagged.
“Hey, not in my car!” Olev shouted and Zane was shoved back into his seat.
“I can’t...take...any more of this!” Zane said.
“Just hold up, buddy,” I told him. I pulled out my phone to make a call when Sergei decided to start singing again. Olev joined in and Russian songs were belting out once more, grating on my ears.
My phone rang and I absently answered it without checking the name. “Hello?”
“Daddy!”
She almost burst my eardrum.
“Sweetie!” I replied in as pleasant a voice I could muster. I plugged a finger in my other ear to keep out the din of crazed Russians.
“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you all day and night!”
“I’m so sorry, sweetie. I’ve had the craziest day, I—”
“What’s all that noise?”
“Oh, nothing. Just people being dicks. Literally.”
Olev and Sergei ramped up their patriotic bluster.
“Oh so that’s it. While I’m here all by myself, you’re out getting drunk with your buddies!”
“No, sweetie, it’s not like that.”
Zane let out a groan of pain. Aurora stroked his pallid, sweaty head. “Oh, Aurora, that feels so good!” he said. “Do it again!”
“Daddy! What’s going on there?”
“Uh...”
“Oh yeah, Aurora, you don’t know how good that feels,” Zane continu
ed while the other two carried on renditions of their favorite Russian songs.
“Oh, more!” Zane moaned while Aurora stroked his head. “Oh, that’s so good! Yes! Right there! You’re the best nurse anyone could ever ask for!”
“Oh I see now,” Lucy sneered down the phone. “It’s a drunk orgy!”
I rubbed my head. I really didn’t need this crap.
“Well, maybe when you’ve had your fill of booze and sluts, you’ll get on with finding that horse you promised me. If you’ll ever find time for me!”
The phone cut off. I pulled it away from my ear and stared at it, totally flummoxed. What the hell just happened?
“Oh, Aurora,” Zane continued in his delirium. “You remind me of my mother.”
“Oh shut the hell up, Zane, you necro-nerd!” I spat.
“Gabe, we really need to get him to a doctor,” said Aurora. “He’s losing it.”
“He never had it!” I retorted, dialing Jerome.
“Gabriel!” he answered. “Where are you?”
“Long story!”
“Did you find one of the Crazy Four?”
“Oh yes, and I have what we need to end this.”
“Good because we’re barricaded in here.”
“I know. I was on my way but I got sidetracked by vampires and werewolves. I’ll be there as fast as I can. Just hang tight!” I hung up, right as Olev and Sergei ran out of juice.
“Okay, Olev,” I said, grateful for the silence. “Drop us off near the Guild and get Zane seen to. I’ll be round with the anti-lycan milk once we’ve closed that portal.”
Chapter 20
Olev dropped us near the Guild and raced off, taking Zane with him. He’d passed out by then, which probably wasn’t a bad thing. I wasn’t overly keen on leaving him with the Russian mafia, but I had no other choice. I knew Olev wouldn’t want to piss off Heaven by pissing off an angel, so he’d get Zane seen to.
It left us to worry about what was going on at the Guild. I pressed myself up against the wall of a close by alley and had a peek around the corner. My heart skipped a beat. There were three gargoyles huddled around the entrance. They were taking it in turns to try and smash through the door. Whatever was behind it was managing to keep them out. I rolled my eyes up and saw one or two more stationed on nearby roofs, standing perfectly still, mimicking what gargoyles were created to do. Looked like whoever was controlling them had given the OK to kill in packs. Maybe they felt they had enough awakened gargoyles now to just go for it.
I turned back to Aurora. “What’s going on?” she asked.
“It’s not safe. You stay here.” I took a deep breath and pulled out the ace of clubs. Time to see how good stonecrushers were against gargoyles. Electric eels squirmed in my stomach as I marched out onto the sidewalk and stormed up to the gargoyles like a man on a suicide mission.
“Hey, assholes!” I said, stopping at a safe distance. All three gargoyle heads on the ground spun my way. Red eyes focused in on me. Grins broke out on their faces. After the frustration of not being able to get to any angels, a stupid one was handing himself right to them. They stormed in. My heart leaped up into my throat. I muttered a tiny prayer, threw down the ace of clubs, and said, “Colin!”
The door to the Void opened up and Colin clambered into our world with a puff of smoke. Colin arced his head lazily around as he took in his new surroundings, drool running down his chin. His eyes fell on the incoming gargoyles and he almost choked on his excitement. “Uh! Stoneses!” he bellowed in his dumbo voice.
The gargoyles pulled up in surprise.
Colin’s eyes sparkled with delight. “Pretty stoneses!” he said in a giggly voice and went straight for them, his hairy feet stomping across the sidewalk.
The gargoyles didn’t know what hit them. Colin opened up his massive hands and grabbed the nearest one by the head. The gargoyle grabbed hold of Colin’s wrists and thrashed around in desperation, but Colin had the thing clamped like an insect caught in a Venus flytrap.
“Come on, pretty stoneses, break for Daddy,” Colin said as he exerted more pressure on that head. The gargoyle released a stony wail of protest, but he was powerless. A pleasurable groan escaped Colin as the gargoyle’s entire head crushed in his hands like it was an egg. Small chunks of stone and powder cascaded down onto the sidewalk. The gargoyle’s body seized up, its wings flaring before it collapsed to the ground. Colin raised his fists to the sky and brought them down on the body; it smashed into pieces.
“Pretty stoneses! Pretty stoneses!” Colin sang with a laugh as the gargoyle’s body obliterated under his Warhammer fists.
I watched on in excitement and disbelief. It was exhilarating to watch him crush that damn gargoyle like he was made of cardboard. But at the same time, I was taken aback by Colin’s brute strength. Thanks for the tip, Nigella!
The other two gargoyles didn’t like what Colin was doing to their buddy. They rushed in, flanking him while he continued to batter their friend’s remains.
“Colin! Look out!” I shouted, but Colin was too busy smashing gargoyle and singing like he was one of the seven dwarves going off to work.
The gargoyle on the right swung a punch. It struck Colin on the shoulder. The gargoyle’s fist bounced off like it had just hit rubber. The momentum staggered him. A short laugh escaped me at how ineffective that punch was. Colin stopped smashing and looked up at the other gargoyle, who’d unleashed a punch of his own. It smacked Colin in the jaw and bounced away, doing no harm.
Colin giggled in response to being punched. “More pretty stoneses!” He went for the nearest gargoyle, his huge hands up and ready. The gargoyle barely had time to turn when he was caught in Colin’s death grip. Colin got him in a bear hug and lifted him off his feet like he was his bride.
“Lovely, lovely, stoneses!” Colin said in rapture as the gargoyle squirmed and thrashed in his grip. He slammed his fists down on Colin’s chest, but they just bounced off. Colin was totally immune to anything they could do to him. It was glorious. Colin squeezed harder. The gargoyle’s forked tongue popped out of his mouth and there was loud crack. The gargoyle’s midriff was crushed to powder. His legs fell to the ground, while his upper body went limp. Colin let go and it dropped to join its lower body. Colin went to work, crushing everything down to fine rubble.
I clapped my hands like a demented seal, appreciating this guy’s work. “Woot! Go, Colin!”
The final gargoyle was still in denial. He tried his luck. He sent out a kick to Colin’s head now that he was bent over, busy demolishing his friends. The gargoyle’s foot bounced off Colin’s nose and it was sent staggering away in a comical circle, hopping on one foot.
“Stoneses dancing!” Colin said, hopping from one foot to the other, mimicking the gargoyle. “Dancing stoneses is funny stoneses.”
I wished I found gargoyles funny.
Colin hopped over to the gargoyle and threw a right hook. The gargoyle hopped straight into Colin’s fist. His face crushed under the impact, leaving a fist-sized dent where his nose, eyes and mouth should’ve been. Colin chuckled. And then brought down his fists. The gargoyle obliterated under the impact with minimal effort, becoming a neat pile of chunks.
Relief swept me up and tossed me around in its loving caress. Finally, we had a weapon to use against the damn gargoyles. Not just a weapon, a goddamn angel of death for gargoyles. Colin the stonecrusher.
The gargoyles up on the roofs got twitchy. They saw what was happening and took off. They hightailed it out of there as fast as they could. I watched them go in disdain. Cowards. Now they knew what it felt like to be hunted.
“Where are stoneses going?” Colin asked in a glum voice, his flat eyes filling with sadness.
“Don’t worry, buddy. There’s loads more stoneses waiting for you.”
Colin’s eyes lit up. “Oh goody! Pretty stoneses is the best stoneses! They’re so pretty!” He hopped from one foot to the other.
“Yeah, just hang tight. I’ve got plenty more for
you.” I aimed the ace of clubs at him and conducted the binding spell. The Void opened up and took Colin. I replaced the ace of clubs in my Deck of Death and looked back at the chunks of gargoyle arm, leg, and wing ahead of me. I muttered a small prayer for the souls that had been possessing them as they were dumped into Purgatory. I shuddered with sadness, relief, and joy all at the same time. We had them. Had ’em on the run. Now it was time to finish this. We had everything we needed.
“Aurora!” I called out over my shoulder. “It’s safe.”
She came scuttling up next to me. She gazed down at the chunks of gargoyle on the sidewalk, open-mouthed. “Awesome.”
“Uh-huh,” I agreed with a nod. “Let’s go tell the others.” I got on my phone and called Jerome to tell him the coast was clear. I stepped up to the entrance, kicking at a half gargoyle head and stubbing my toe. “Son-of-a-bitch!” I spat down at it, pain shooting up my toe.
“Who are you talking to?” came Jerome’s voice through my phone.
“To Mr. Dead Gargoyle,” I replied. “Open up. I’ve got good news.”
We waited a few seconds and the battered door flew open. Rabid came stumbling out. Looked like he’d been the barricade.
“Where the gargoyles? Wanna smash some gargoyles!” he said, fist-smacking.
“Too late, buddy,” I said, cocking my head toward the rubble behind me. “Already done it.”
Rabid gazed down at the mess and gave me a firm nod. “You real good.”
Jerome stormed out of the Guild and laid his eager eyes on the dead gargoyles. “Praise be,” he said with a grin. “How did you do it?”
“Got myself a new monster. A stonecrusher. Thing crushes gargoyles like they’re pebbles.”
“Do we know where they’re coming from?” asked Jerome.
I let out a sigh and nodded. “They’re coming out of the portal Samuel and Beelzebub tried to open when they kidnapped Aurora.”
Jerome’s eyes flicked toward Aurora. She lowered her head.