by JJ Johnson
One Saturday, Louie made me grab one of the old scarecrows from the barn. We dragged the thing across the field and deep into the woods. We went past the clearing where I had first met Louie until we found the perfect spot.
I tied it up against a tree and looked at the thing.
"Okay," Louie said, "now you need to use your hips when you swing at Tony. That, combined with your arms, should be enough to at least knock the wind out of him."
"Where should I hit him? The head?"
"No, you try hitting him in the head, and he is just going to duck. You need to hit him in the body. You'll have less of a chance at missing him then. Go for the ribs. And Michael?"
"Yeah."
"You want to keep swinging until you hear a crack."
"You mean you want me to break his ribs?"
"That's the point."
"Wouldn't that be cruel?"
"Was it cruel when he held you down and beat your face until your nose bled?"
"Yes."
"Then show no mercy. Now swing at the dummy."
I grabbed Louie and tightened my grip. I wasn't sure about this, but something about holding Louie made me feel powerful. I could feel a strength moving through me, and I felt invincible. The hate slid through my veins like ice. I was cold and hot at the same time. I can't describe it, but Louie was living through me.
"Swing," Louie screamed, so I did. I nailed the dummy right across the chest.
"Swing harder, you sissy," Louie said.
I swung, I hit the dummy across the chest so hard it busted the shirt open across the front side. I stepped back and smiled.
"How was that?" I asked.
"It was weak," Louie said. "I didn't feel anything. It was like you were swinging at a pillow."
"What are you talking about, I busted his shirt open."
"Who cares? That's nothing. I want you to swing me like your trying to break through a concrete wall."
"I thought I did."
"No, you swung me like a little girl swings her doll around in the air."
"Don't call me a girl."
"Then don't swing like one. Now bust that dummy open."
"I already did," I said.
"So you are a little girl then? Afraid you might break a nail if you swing too hard? You sissy."
"Stop calling me a sissy."
"Sissy, sissy, sissy."
I screamed so loud I was sure that dad would hear and come running, but I didn't care. I swung hard busting the dummy in half. But I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I just kept swinging and swinging. And swinging. I hated that dummy. I saw Tony's face; I saw my father's face, I could see my parents and how disappointed they'd be in me if I failed. But there was one face I saw that scared me more, and that face- Was mine.
SIX
I never went to meet the neighbors that moved in just opposite of Tony's house. To me, they were just more people to avoid, because if I went that way, Tony would more than likely stomp a hole in me. The truth was, I imagined he was always waiting for me just on the other side of that big set of bushes that lined his property. So there was no chance I would ever venture in that direction.
I did meet their daughter, Madison Maguire, on the bus one day. She was kind and always said hi. That alone made her different. She was a year older than Tony and me, sixteen and in high school. On the bus, most of the guys flocked to sit near her. I steered cleared and sat towards the front. But because we lived so far out in the country, it never failed that she, Tony, and I were always the last three to get off the bus.
I didn't mind, of course. With Madison around, it meant I wouldn't get off alone, and there was less chance that Tony would pound on me then. In fact, he had started behaving a little better, and I even noticed he combed his hair and dressed a little nicer. Louie said it was because he liked her. That made me laugh and gave me something to tease Tony about. Louie said when the time was right, I could tease him enough to make him mad and come at me. Then we would be able to pound on him. She wouldn't think he was so hot then.
But one afternoon Madison stopped and turned back after Tony had walked away. She came strolling up my drive and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped and turned around, thinking Tony had figured out my dad wasn't home.
"Easy-squirt," she said laughing. "I didn't mean to frighten you."
I stared at her, shocked that she was even speaking to me.
"My name is Michael," I said, feeling stupid for it immediately. She didn't care about my name.
She shrugged, "I like squirt better."
"I don't like people making fun of me," I said.
She frowned. "Who makes fun of you?"
"Tony does."
She laughed. "Tony is just a kid who doesn't know who he is yet. And I'm not making fun you."
I narrowed my eyes at her, but she just smiled.
"So listen, my church is having this big pizza party tonight. Nothing huge, but the more people we invite, the more times our name goes into a drawing for a new iPad. And trust me, I want an iPad."
I didn't say anything. I just stood there. If there was a contest for the worst way to impress a girl, I might have just won it.
"Anyway," she said. "I was wondering if you would like to come."
"I've never been to church before."
"So, just come. You might like it. And besides, you'll be helping me out."
"My dad said God is just a self-help doctor people turn to."
She gave me an odd look. "Sounds like your dad needs to come along as well."
"I don't think he will."
"Well, that doesn't mean you can't come."
"What time? I'll have to ask my dad, but I think I can."
"Eight thirty, after the football game. My parents and I will swing by and pick you up."
She tussled my hair and turned to leave. "See you tonight, squirt." I watched her walk away and smiled. Tony didn't stand a chance with Madison. She was into me.
SEVEN
"She's a fake," Louie said. "She's not into you, not one bit."
I was busy pouring another handful of mousse into my hair, trying to get the part just right.
"You didn't see the way she smiled at me."
"Please. I was leaning right against the window watching, listening. She called you squirt."
"She wasn't making fun of me. She even said so."
Louie laughed. "Trust me, Michael, you're clueless when it comes to women. She is what? One, two years older than you? She's got guys, high school guys, worshiping her. I don't think she is going to chill with some lame junior high kid."
"I don't believe you." I surveyed my hair and decided that was as good as it was going to get. "I think she is into me, no matter what you say."
"Trust me, pal, girls, are nothing but trouble. Ask your dad. Look what happened to him after he fell in and out of love. Life just fell apart. Now he lays around drinking his troubles away."
I had to agree. But I'd already made up my mind that I would never wind up like my father, no matter how bad life got. In fact, outside of him yelling at me to take the trash out or feed the cattle, I couldn't recall one meaningful conversation we had.
"I'm not my father," I said. "And I won't end up like him. I promise you that."
Louie didn't say anything, and although he didn't have a mouth, I could feel him smirking at me. Mocking me, thinking I was crazy.
"Listen, Louie. I appreciate your concern. But I think I can do this on my own. Maybe you're right, and maybe she doesn't care one bit about me. Maybe she thinks I'm some dorky kid. But you're the one who tells me I need to take a chance."
"Yes, take a chance and stand up to Tony. But to take a chance on a girl, one who's obviously not into you. That's crazy. Not even I can help you with that."
I heard the car horn just outside on the drive. I looked at Louie. "I'll be fine, don't worry."
He didn't say anything, and I didn't expect him to.
I skipped down the stairs and checked my part o
ne last time in the mirror before heading out the door and down the porch.
Madison was sitting in the front and rolled down her window.
"Hi, glad you can come." I smiled back and saw her father in the driver seat. "This is my dad."
"Hello, sir, I'm Michael."
"Please son, call me George."
I smiled. Already in with the dad. That was supposed to be a good thing, right?
"Just hop on in the back," Madison said, smiling.
I grabbed the door and opened it. That's when everything sunk in. Maybe I was so focused on Madison's smile or trying to impress her dad. Either way, I still can't believe I missed it. Sitting there in the back seat, glaring at me, was Tony. His hands curled up into a fist. He wasn't happy to see me. I wasn't happy to see him, either. We were treading on each other’s territory. One thing was sure. Louie was right. Girls can't be trusted, and Madison- she wasn't that into me, after all.
EIGHT
I had only been to church two other times in my life, once when daddy's mom died and once for my Aunt Cindy's wedding. Both times, we were in and out. I always thought church was where people went and gave a bunch of money, drank some grape juice, sang some old boring songs, and then listened to some guy talk for an hour.
Dad's opinion of church was far different than mine, and so when I said I was going, he smiled and said it would be good for me. That surprised me. Dad used to go, years ago, back before he met mom, but he doesn't like to talk about it anymore.
Madison led Tony and me to what looked like a giant gym with several basketball goals, a volleyball net, and one area that had arcade games. Tony glared at me for half the trip, and then he suddenly started talking to me. Maybe he was warming up to me, or maybe he was just trying to impress Madison. Either way, we were becoming close friends quickly.
Madison walked us over to a couple of girls.
"Tony, Michael, this Miranda, and Amie." Both girls smiled, and I smiled back, hoping my part was still in place.
"Tony and Michael aren't in high school yet, but they will be next year."
"That's cool," Amie said. "We can hang out next year."
"Hey, Madison," Miranda said. "I need to talk to you and Amie. You guys mind giving us a minute?"
Madison turned to both of us. "The pizza is all you can eat, and it's free. Also, tokens for the arcade are free and can be picked up over at the registration booth. You guys just, I don't know, hang out. I'll catch up to you in a bit."
Tony tapped me on the arm. "I saw they had that new wrestling game. Want to go a couple of rounds." I nodded and headed in that direction.
We ate so much pizza that we felt sick. And Tony beat me all three times in the game, but to tell you the truth, I kind of did my best to let him. I figured right then, I was alone without Louie, and as long as Tony wasn't trying to beat me up, I was in pretty good shape. I wasn't much of a gamer, so even if I had tried, I'm not sure I could have done anything to beat him anyway. So there was no harm.
After a bit, the music shut off and an announcement called for everyone to go have a seat. Madison waved us over, and we took our seats in cheap plastic chairs. Madison sat next to me, which I felt meant something. Maybe I had misjudged her. After all, she wasn't sitting next to Tony.
Madison leaned forward to talk to both Tony and me. She pointed to the guy walking up on the stage.
"That's Pastor Vance. You'll want to meet him. He's cool."
Pastor Vance was young, probably no older than thirty-five, with a long beard and tattoos on his right arm. He didn't look like a pastor, but then again, I had only seen two pastors before.
"I want to thank everyone for coming tonight," Pastor Vance said.
“This is our Fifth Quarter fellowship. We're here after every home football game. And it's great to see everyone here tonight. I hope that you enjoyed the pizza and games, and I want to let you know what we are about."
"For years, I was like many of you. I thought I was cool, to cool for church or even God. I didn't believe in God. I had a problem with the concept of God. I couldn't understand how God, the creator of this world, could choose a guy like me. I was into drugs and a lot of bad stuff.
"You see, my mother was murdered by a notorious serial killer when I was a teenager. I hated life. I hated everything about life. But my life was changed when I met him. I went from being an angry kid to being someone who knew how to forgive. And forgiveness has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. Many of you know the story of what my wife and I went through last Halloween.
I straightened up. I'd heard rumors about it. I didn't know the details, but I knew a pastor from around here had climbed to the top of the town's local water tower to talk to a man who was threatening to jump off. My dad said he admired him. Which was odd, my dad didn't admire anybody. It hadn't occurred to me that this was the same Pastor Vance. Wow.
I shifted in my seat and listened close. Pastor Vance sounded a lot like me. In fact, I started to think he was talking right to me. I was angry, angry at mom, angry at dad, angry at Tony for beating me up. I was angry at a lot of people. Louie said the only way to rid myself of that was to toughen up, but for the first time since I'd met Louie, I wasn't sure if I agreed with him. Maybe toughening up wasn't the answer. Maybe toughening up was the wrong direction entirely.
I had stopped listening to Pastor Vance. But he was still up there. "If you ever want to talk about God, Jesus, or anything else bugging you, then I encourage you to come and speak to me or one of our sponsors. We want to help you in any way we can."
I sat there after he was done, staring at the podium.
"I'm going to get more pizza," Tony said. When I didn't respond, he shrugged and walked away.
I could hear Madison talking to her friends, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. Or maybe I didn't care. I wanted to speak with Pastor Vance. I wanted to tell him about Louie and my mom, and dad. I wanted my anger, my fears- all of it to go away. But instead of going to talk to him, I just sat there.
NINE
"You're weak."
I looked at Louie. Was I weak?
"You're weak and pathetic," he said. "First, you think Madison is into you. Then you start buying into all this religious mumbo-jumbo this idiot is telling you. Trust me. You would be better off staying as far away from that girl as you can."
I shrugged. "Pastor Vance didn't seem like an idiot. He seemed honest."
"That's because he wants you to start coming and listening to what he's saying. Trust me, guys like that get paid by how many people they get in the doors."
"What do you mean?"
"Think about it, Sherlock. Why give away pizza, and let everyone play video games for free? It's because they want; no wait... They need you to come. They're all about the numbers. That's all they care about."
Maybe Louie was right. Maybe Vance didn't care about my problems the way he said he did. Maybe everything was just some way to get me in the door along with everyone else.
"If you're not careful, you'll turn into a Kool-Aid drinker overnight."
"What do you mean, a Kool-Aid drinker?"
"It means that before you know it, you'll be doing anything little Madison and Pastor Vance want you to do. No questions asked. And before you realize what's happening, wham. You'll be a convert and just do what everyone there wants you to do. Your life will revolve around something you can't even prove to be true."
I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure there was anything I really could say. Louie could be right. He could know what he was talking about. I didn't know. But then again what did Louie know? He was a baseball bat for crying out loud. What could he possibly know about God or about anything other than hitting a little white ball? But Louie had never steered me wrong. Louie prepared me for Tony. Because of Louie, I was stronger than I'd ever been before. Because of Louie, I had a friend.
"Louie," I said. "I just want a friend. That's all. Why don't people not like me?"
"I'm not sure
, buddy. I just know that this world is a dangerous place. People are cruel. They pretend to care, but they don't. When they act like they care, it's because they want something from you. Others, they don't even bother to pretend to be nice. They have no problem telling you to your face what they think of you. It's a cruel world, for sure."
I could feel a tear crawl out of my eye and start its way down my face, a wet trail left in its wake.
"I just wanted to have a friend."
"You do," Louie said.
I looked at him.
"You have me, Michael."
TEN
I was jerked awake by the constant banging of something downstairs. It was just after seven thirty in the morning. I wasn't sure what it was, but I knew it couldn't be good. There was a slight moan and then a crash. I reached over and grabbed Louie.
"What was that?" I asked.
"Not sure, but we need to go look."
"What if they have a gun?" I asked.
"What if they have a gun," he mocked me. "Stop being a sissy and go check it out."
I slid out of bed and put my feet on the cold wood floor. I cracked the door open, slowly so not to creak the hinges and draw attention.
My bedroom door opened directly across from the stairway. My father's room was down the hall, but the light was out. I waited, staring into the black hallway knowing that someone could, at any moment, jump out, grab me, and toss me down the stairs. I knew I would meet my end before I hit the second or even third step.
"What are you waiting for?" Louie asked.
"I just want to make sure no one is there." I pointed down the dark hall.
The first step creaked softly as I stepped down. I had hoped to avoid that, but I knew there was no possible way. I heard another crash and then a cry, not loud, but like someone weeping. The sound was familiar, and I was sure it was my father. And he was hurt.
I took the steps three at a time as I made my way toward the kitchen. The light was on, and my father, covered in sweat, was leaning over the sink, puking his guts out. He turned and looked at me. His face was all mottled and red, his eyes bloodshot, and I could smell the unmistakable scent of liquor seeping from his pores.