Sinking in the Shadows

by Alexandria Bishop

  “Tinley Scott?”

  As her name leaves the nurse’s lips, the butterflies in her stomach flap around like crazy and her hand falls down to where she has the very beginning of a growing bump. It’s the moment of truth. She has no idea what this first appointment even entails, but then again, this is all new territory so she doesn’t know what any of these appointments will be about. Something about this being the first one seems important. She gathers up her purse and walks toward the nurse, whose giant smile does nothing to ease her anxiety.

  They walk back toward a scale and the nurse makes small talk as they check her weight. After, while getting her blood pressure checked, Tinley realizes she has no idea what the woman asked her or how she answered. The whole thing is completely unreal and she can’t focus on anything other than the fact that a human is currently growing inside of her. When the nurse leaves the room and she’s all alone, the silence becomes deafening. Her heart is pounding, and that’s all she can hear as she slowly undresses the bottom half of her body and sits on the table to wait.

  The ticking of the clock on the wall seems to increase in volume as each second passes by. She never understood why there’s so much waiting when you go to a doctor’s office. You make an appointment, and yet they always make you wait in the waiting room for an additional fifteen to thirty minutes minimum after your appointment time. Then when they finally call you back, you do more waiting in the exam room before the doctor shows up. What’s the point of making the schedule in the first place if they aren’t going to follow through with it?

  She’s contemplating getting up to just leave when there’s a knock at the door and her doctor pokes her head into the room. She has a huge smile on her face as she pulls the chart away from her chest and opens it up. After a quick glance down, she looks up and asks, “Are you Tinley?”

  Tinley can only nod her head, unable to find the words to answer even a simple question. She darts her tongue out to lick her lips, but it doesn’t seem to do much to help her dry mouth.

  Her doctor places the chart on the counter and washes her hands while looking over the nurse’s notes. As she slides on a pair of gloves, she turns on the monitor next to Tinley’s head and pulls out what can only be described as a teeny tiny condom. “It’s nice to meet you Tinley. I’m Dr. Laughlin. I’m going to have you lie back on the table and slide your bottom all the way to the end, just like when you have your annual exam.”

  She nods her head, follows the doctor’s directions, and asks, “Is this safe for the baby?”

  Picking up an alarmingly long wand and putting the condom on it, her doctor chuckles. “Since you’re so early in your pregnancy, we’re going to be doing an internal ultrasound. I assure you it’s perfectly safe for your baby.”

  Tinley breathes a small sigh of relief, but she still looks warily at the extremely long device that’s about to be forced up her lady bits. The length alone makes her wonder how it could possibly fit up inside her.

  “Just relax.”

  She didn’t even realize she was tensing up, but she forces her legs to calm down and releases some of the tension she was holding in. The giant wand is slid into place, and suddenly the room is full of a distorted galloping horse sound. Tinley’s eyes go wide and she feels scared as she asks, “Is everything okay? Is something wrong?”

  Dr. Laughlin smiles and nods her head. “Everything is perfect. That’s your baby’s heartbeat that you’re currently hearing.”

  Heartbeat? She never even thought about hearing her baby’s heartbeat and this early. She thought maybe she would get a confirmation of pregnancy and then a prescription for prenatal vitamins. But not this. She suddenly feels so in love and connected with her child just listening to the sound from the ultrasound machine. Her child is barely big enough to be considered a person at this point, but she couldn’t imagine not having the child in her life anymore. She’s always laughed off the idea of love at first sight when describing a relationship, but love at first sound when it applies to your own child is one hundred percent true. She loves this baby with her entire heart, and it’s not even born yet.

  The rest of the appointment moves quickly as her doctor explains about prenatal vitamins and everything she needs to be doing to ensure her pregnancy progresses the way it should. After making her next appointment, she finds herself sitting in her car, processing everything that just happened. The whole appointment was completely surreal. If anything, she couldn’t help but think about Marek the whole time, how wrong it was that he wasn’t there. She knows telling him is the right thing to do, but the thought of it and the actual doing it are two completely different things.

  Me: Hey

  * * *

  Marek: Hey…

  * * *

  Me: I know this is weird. I’m still trying to figure shit out, but

  * * *

  Marek: But what?

  She feels weak as she types out her message to him. She is the reason they aren’t talking or working on their relationship right now, but it’s hard being apart, especially in moments like these.

  Me: I miss you.

  The minute she sends the text, she instantly regrets it. She had a quick moment of weakness and she shouldn’t have put those feelings onto Marek.

  Marek: I miss you too. Dammit. I know I screwed up, but you have to realize where I was coming from.

  * * *

  Me: I know. I get it, I really do. Luna has to come first for you, always, but even if you didn’t want us to meet right away, you could have at least told me about her.

  * * *

  Marek: I wanted to be sure about us. What’s the point of telling you I have a daughter if it doesn’t work out?

  * * *

  Me: Don’t you think you should have considered that before telling me you love me? Or do you just go around saying that to every girl you hop into bed with?

  * * *

  Marek: You should know me better than that. How can you even think that’s possibly true?

  * * *

  Me: Yeah, well, I thought I did, but here we are.

  * * *

  Marek: I guess I deserve that.

  * * *

  Me: I’m sorry. This was a mistake.

  * * *

  Marek: No, don’t go. We can work through this Tinley. I do love you. I want us to be together and I want you to meet Luna for real.

  * * *

  Me: It was selfish of me to text you. I gave in to temptation and I’m sorry. I’m still not ready.

  Tinley places her phone on her lap and her hand gravitates to the very small protruding bump that has popped up. A small tear falls down her face, and she’s left feeling more uncertain than she did a few moments ago. She doesn’t know if she’s strong enough to do this on her own and the thought of that terrifies her, but worse than that, she’s scared of how Marek will react when she finally musters up the courage to tell him the truth. Maybe he won’t feel the same about her anymore and it’ll be the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

  Me: How do you even know what a baby needs?

  After her appointment, she took a detour at a small and very expensive baby boutique. She passes it every single time she drives to work, and she’s always thought it looked absolutely adorable. When she stepped foot inside, her suspicions were confirmed, but what she wasn’t ready for was the sticker shock. Do people really pay five hundred dollars for a diaper bag? She’s always heard people say babies are expensive, but that’s just ridiculous.

  Tara: Most stuff these days is completely pointless. Trust me, you don’t need as much stuff as you think you do.

  * * *

  Me: Are you sure? It all seems to serve a purpose.

  * * *

  Tara: Do you wipe your ass with warm toilet paper? I’d like to think not. A baby does not need warm wipes for their ass. Just get in there, get the shit cleaned, and get out. No need to waste time.

  * * *

  Me: Okay wise one, what else don’t I need?<
br />
  * * *

  Tara: A stroller. YOU will never use it.

  * * *

  Me: What do you mean? Isn’t that one of those things you automatically need to buy?

  * * *

  Tara: I’m not saying they don’t serve a purpose, but tell me this: do you exercise? Do you ever go on walks?

  * * *

  Me: No.

  * * *

  Tara: So what makes you think you’re suddenly going to take walks because you have a child?

  Her sister does have a pretty valid point. The most walking Tinley ever does is from the couch to the bathroom or kitchen. Just the thought of putting on pants and going outside to walk sounds awful, and those people who run for enjoyment? They sound like fucking masochists. No thank you.

  Me: Fine, what else?

  * * *

  Tara: You sure you’re ready for this? I can rant all day about stupid shit people waste their money on for an infant that won’t know the difference.

  * * *

  Me: Should I talk to you later?

  * * *

  Tara: Because I’m so busy? I have a newborn that eats, sleeps, and poops. When he’s not attached to my tit, he’s sleeping or shitting himself. I have all the time in the world.

  * * *

  Me: Gee, you’re doing wonders for getting me all excited about becoming a mom myself.

  * * *

  Tara: Have you told Marek yet?

  Well, that was really subtle. Tinley knows she needs to tell him, she just hasn’t done it yet. Really there could be only one of two reactions from Marek: he gets upset and chooses to leave her to take care of their child on her own, or he mans up and they figure things out together. She doesn’t anticipate that he would completely ditch her, but she also doesn’t want him to just step up out of obligation. She wants him to want both her and their baby.

  Tara: Tinley, seriously, are you just going to ignore me now?

  * * *

  Tara: I may be bleeding out of my vag and have limited mobility right now, but I can still beat your ass if I need to.

  * * *

  Tara: Tell him.

  * * *

  Me: I will! Just stop pressuring me.

  * * *

  Me: And stop talking about beating people’s assess. That’s just weird.

  * * *

  Tara: If I don’t, who will? Pressure you, not beat your ass. I really don’t want anyone to do that to you.

  She knows her sister means well, but the added pressure isn’t helping one bit. If anything, it just gives her even more apprehension.

  Me: I’ll tell him. Just leave me alone about it.

  * * *

  Tara: Fine, but you better do it soon.

  If there’s one thing she knows for sure, it’s that she needs to tell Marek about her pregnancy. She can’t start buying stuff for this baby and going to all of these appointments and leave him out of it. They might not be squared away on where their relationship stands, but he is still the father of her baby. Now she has to worry about how he’s going to handle it. He might already be a father, but that doesn’t mean he wants more children, and the fact that he might not want to have anything to do with their unborn child scares her more than the uncertain state of their relationship. What if he decides he doesn’t want to have anything to do with either of them?

  Chapter Nine

  “I’ll make sure to pass that information on for you ma’am. I don’t have any authority over that, but I’m making a note right now on your account and flagging it. The right people will get a notification of it.”

  The woman on the other end hems and haws for a few seconds and replies, “Well if you’re sure there’s nothing else you can do further, I guess that’ll have to do.”

  Tinley rolls her eyes and is grateful the customer can’t actually see her right now. “I appreciate your understanding. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

  A long sigh comes out and Tinley isn’t sure if that’s the end of the call or if the woman is going to say something else. She’s tempted to repeat her question again when the customer says, “No, I supposed that’s it for me today.”

  “Thank you for calling Wanderlust International. If you ever need anything else from us, we’re just one phone call away. Enjoy the rest of your day ma’am.”

  As she hangs up on yet another customer service call, Tinley turns toward Dakota and asks, “Is it just me or have the customers been especially annoying today?”

  Somehow Dakota is able to shrug her shoulders and continue typing a response to her customer as she says, “I don’t know. I pretty much think they’re all assholes every day of the week. Not sure there’s anything particularly different or special about today.”

  But she’s wrong. There is something different about today, but it has nothing to do with the customers at all. Tinley looks past her best friend to the far corner of the call center, over to Marek’s desk, where he should be sitting but is unfortunately not working today. After her appointment and stopping by the boutique yesterday, she finally decided today would be the day. She’d wait until the end of the day when they would both be getting off work and she would ask him to go to dinner or someplace where they could talk, and then she would break the news to him. Instead, her entire plan went to shit because he’s not even here today, so now she has to get up the nerve to reach out to him once she gets off work. It’s a lot easier to push those thoughts aside and put it off for another day when she doesn’t have to look him in the face.

  Before she gives herself a moment to think about what she’s doing, she asks Dakota, “Don’t you think it’s weird that Marek hasn’t been working the same schedule lately?”

  The distaste is overtly present in her best friends voice when she responds, “Do you think I’d have his shifts memorized? I’ve honestly been happier without him here. Besides, it’s probably for the best that he isn’t working when you’re here anymore. Maybe he did that on purpose to make whatever it was between you easier that it’s nonexistent now.”

  Tinley wants to correct her so badly, but the serious annoyance and disgust is written all over her face with an intense scowl. Whatever it is between Tinley and Marek is certainly not over especially with the news she has to tell him. But something Dakota says does have her thinking. Is it possible that he switched his work schedule around so they wouldn’t see each other so much?

  Her thoughts are suddenly interrupted as another call comes through. She crosses her fingers for a sales call this time around, but she’s not holding her breath since they’re a month into the busiest time of year for customer service. The summer cruises always book up the most, and once those months hit, the calls start coming in, and those are always the calls she hates the most. It’s only because the call volume is up during that time of year, but it always feels like people are so much angrier.

  Tinley gently tosses her phone from one hand to the other. Her nausea is escalating, and she can’t tell if it’s from her nerves or the pregnancy. With Marek not being at work today, she has to resort to sending him a text message to hopefully arrange a get-together so she can finally tell him about the pregnancy. She’s been home for a half an hour now and she’d much rather do this and get it over with before Dakota gets home from work. When she first walked in the door, it felt like a sauna so she busied herself with opening windows, changing her clothes, and grabbing a glass of ice water. With all of that out of the way she really has nothing that’s more important than reaching out to Marek. She keeps talking herself out of it and her finger hovers over the send button with his contact information pulled up. Her hand shakes with the heavy weight of her phone in her hand and instead she pulls up her text messages and quickly types one to him. It’s probably safer to do that than talk anyway.

  Me: I have something I need to tell you, but I don’t know how to.

  Her first instinct is to stare at her screen until a message comes through, but she knows that’ll just drive her cr
azy. Not that attempting to focus on something else is really going to help, but she attempts to do it anyways. Instead, she locks her phone and lays it down on the couch next to her. She reaches for the remote to pick something on Netflix, but she freaks out when her phone dings with a response almost immediately.