by Lee Ellis
“What’s up, bro-sef-ina?” Rock said, reclining on the couch.
“Not much. Ready to get some food?”
“Yes, sir.”
“So where do you want to go?”
“I could care less,” Rock said.
“How about that sandwich shop across the street. And couldn’t care less.”
“Huh?” Rock muttered like the Neanderthal he was.
“You could not care less,” said Jacob. “If you could care less that would imply that you care at least a little.”
“Oh, dude whatever,” Rock said as he laughed like a mental invalid with a brain-eating amoeba. Rock had no use for proper grammar, logic or making sense. “Let’s go.”
“So how you digging the new digs?” Rock asked after they’d gotten their food and sat down.
“You mean the new apartment complex,” Jacob said, clarifying the English-to-idiot translation. “It’s alright. I mean, I just moved in yesterday, so it’s difficult to tell. Some decent looking women, though. Like, uh, who’s that Australian chick we saw yesterday?”
“Oh yeah, Brenda. That accent really does it for me ‘down under’, if you know what I mean.” Rock said, impressed with his cleverness for some reason. Then, as if concerned that Jacob hadn’t caught the subtlety of his obvious reference, he continued, “I meant in my dick.”
“I caught that.”
“You know, like the accent is a major turn on.”
“Yep.”
“Like it gives me an erection.”
“Rock, I said I got it.”
“In my pants.”
“Where the hell else would you get an erection?”
“I don’t know. Maybe on your mom’s face. Hoh!” Rock shot back, then chuckled as he went about his meal, inexplicably satisfied with his comeback. “So, uh, you been in contact with anyone since you moved in?”
“What do you mean? I don’t know anybody else,” Jacob said, finishing off his sandwich.
“Yeah, you know, I was just wondering if maybe you had talked to Lucy at all.”
Shit. Where’s he going with this? Jacob thought. “Yeah. Well briefly. She told me about that dumbass from high school, Theresa. Anyway, what about her?”
“Well, can I tell you something kind of private?” Rock asked, leaning across the table because the rest of the restaurant was waiting with bated breath for what he was going to say next.
Fuck no, Jacob thought, saying, “Sure, Rock. What is it?”
“Well, I kind of have a little crush on Ms. Fontaine.”
I don’t care, Jacob thought. “Hmm. Good for you.”
“Yeah, and you know, with you back in town, I was thinking maybe you could help me out with that.”
What the fuck do you want me to do about it? Jacob thought. “What the fuck do you want me to do about it?”
“I don’t know, maybe text her. See if she wants to hang out, or better yet, meet at a bar. You know, because you’re new in town and all.”
“Why don’t you do it?”
“Why would I text her because you’re new in town?”
“No, I mean just text her, or better yet call her, and see if she wants to meet at a bar or something. She said you hang out sometimes.”
Rock slurped the last of his drink and pitched it in the trash can as they left. “Yeah, by hang out though, she means sometimes we run into each other at bars or parties. Anyway, I can’t just up and do it out of the blue. I hardly know her.”
“I hardly know her too. We haven’t spoken since high school,” Jacob said, hesitant to get involved in Rock’s idiocy.
“That’s what I’m saying though,” Rock said. “You’re new, so it’s not, like, weird for you to be texting her now. You have a reason. Me, I’ve been here awhile. I don’t want to be that creepy guy randomly texting girls he barely knows.”
Damn it, Rock, you fuckdick. “Fine,” Jacob said, pulling out his phone. Jacob sent Lucy a text message while Rock walked beside him in an awkward silence.
“Cool, cool. So what did you say to her?” Rock asked awkwardly.
“Nothing. Just that we’re heading to that bar up the street tonight, and if she’s free, she should join us.”
“Cool, cool. Are we heading to Shooter’s tonight?”
Jacob shrugged. “We are now, apparently. Oh, Lucy says she may stop by.”
“Cool, cool,” Rock said yet again. “Well, brosef, it looks like the two of us are heading out tonight, so I got to hit up the ole’ chain pharmacy store and then get myself ready. Peace.”
“Dude, there not here yet. They aren’t going to show,” Rock said as Jacob ordered another round, too upset to use the correct “they’re”.
“How can you tell?” Jacob asked, handing Rock his beer. “This place is so crowded, you wouldn’t be able to find them even if they were. You wanna play some shuffleboard while we wait?”
“Shuffleboard? What am I, a 90-year old octogenarian?”
“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just continue to stand around, not talking.” Jacob pulled his mouth away from Rock’s ear, since the only way to communicate in the loud bar was to basically shout in each other’s ears, and looked around. This was a mistake. I could be drinking in my apartment. Alone. With Reginald.
His personal sulking session was interrupted as he noticed Lucy making her way through the bar with a busty blonde girl that Jacob thought he recognized. Guess that’s the fourth wheel, Jacob thought to himself as Lucy moved in for a greeting hug. Hmm. I wonder if she brought a fifth.
“Jacob! What’s up? This is Nancy Neal. She works with me,” Lucy said, introducing her blonde friend. Nancy Neal, that’s right. She was at a party I went to one summer when I was back from college. All the guys were talking about her, and I’m pretty sure over the course of the night she got hit on by every guy in attendance. Jacob shook her hand and looked at her face. I wonder why.
“It’s a pleasure. Lucy, you know Rock,” Jacob said as Lucy gave a polite wave. Rock just responded with the type of nod that people do when they’re trying and failing to look cool.
“Oh my god Lucy, take a picture of me with Jacob and, was it Rock?” Nancy said, unable to believe that anyone would confuse a mineral with a name. Lucy snapped a picture with her phone and showed it to Lucy. “Oh my god, that is perfect. I can’t wait to stick it on a social networking site that I won’t mention by name on the off chance someone were narrating our every move and wanted to avoid legal complications.”
“She’s got a bit of an ego on her,” the inconsiderate Lucy whispered.
“Seriously. What a weird thing to say,” thoughtless Rock agreed.
“What are you guys talking about?” the courteous and thoughtful Nancy asked, unaware she was being mocked by her devious and much less attractive counterparts.
“Nothing,” Lucy lied like the bitch she was. “I was just about to go to the bar and get a light beer. You want anything?”
“Vodka martini,” Nancy said.
“What type of vodka?”
“Generic. I’ll come with you.” The two struggled to make their way through the crowd until a kindly young man, noticing their plight, backed up and gave them a path to the bar. The two grabbed their drinks and made their way back to Rock and Jacob.
“Oh my god, guys, we have to leave. Like now,” Nancy said with a concerned look on her face.
“What’s wrong?” Jacob asked, foolishly assuming that something had actually happened.
“That guy. Was seriously. Checking me out. We need to leave before he comes back,” Nancy announced, grabbing her drink and marching away. “Guys, like seriously. At least move to the other end of the bar. I’m like, seriously, freaking out right now.”
Nancy continued her march from the man with the audacity to be polite to her, while Lucy looked at Jacob and rolled her eyes, because that’s what friends do. They went to the other side of the bar where, to Jacob’s surprise, they found an open table for the four of them. And I can actuall
y hear what people are saying. Maybe this chick should freak out more often.
“I texted Janelle. She said she’ll be here in about five minutes,” Nancy said to Lucy, but loud enough for Rock and Jacob to hear.
“Cool. Jacob, you haven’t met Janelle, have you?”
What the fuck is a Janelle? “No, I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.” She sounds like a goddamned antelope.
“Good, I’m glad you two will have the opportunity to meet then. I think she lives on your floor. You’re on the 8th floor, right?”
“Yeah, 801.”
“Yeah, she’s in 805, so it will be good for you two to meet,” Lucy said, bobbing her head like one of those water birds. “Yeah, I’m really glad we did this. I needed to get out after work this week.”
Ugh. Hear goes the yap-yap train. “What are you doing these days?” Rock said, saving Jacob from having to provide the obligatory prompt.
“Well,” Lucy seized the opportunity to talk about herself, and warmed up for her extended verbal onslaught. “I’m working at my daddy’s company. I’ve been working in the mailroom for the last month, but today was my last day of that. Monday, I start working as a secretary.”
“Your dad has you working as a secretary at his company?” Jacob asked. I’d figure he’d at least make her Vice President of Whatsa-Fuckit or whatever.
Lucy shook her head as a shapely brunette came up and greeted the girls at the table. Now, this fifth wheel I can work with. Nice body, good face. Other than the fish lips, she’s an attractive girl.
“Jacob, Rock, this is Janelle Atkins. She lives down the hall from you, Jacob. Anyway, as I was saying, he’s not making me work as a secretary. It was my idea. I’ll take over the company when daddy retires, so for now, I’m working every position. Learning how the company operates from the ground up. Besides,” she said finishing her light beer, “if I’m going to be handed the company, I figure I should do something to earn it. What have you been up to since you got back?”
“You mean the whole day and a half? Not a lot,” Jacob said.
“Hey guys, not to be rude or anything, but we have to get going if we’re going to catch the beginning of the new Urban Dick Hunters movie,” Janelle said. What a rude bitch.
“Oh. My. God. I want my life to be like that. Just shopping, drinks, sex, and a city as well. So. Perfect,” Nancy gushed.
“Alright, well we’re going to take off now. Um, you two are welcome to come along if you like,” Lucy said, standing up and gathering her things.
Rock looked to Jacob, who said, “Thanks, but I think I’d rather pluck my own eyes out with an ice pick.”
“Yeah, that’s what most guys say. Thought I’d ask. Anyway, I’ll see you around,” Lucy said with a hug. “We should do this again sometime.”
Chapter 2-Jacob Goes to a Disco.
The next morning, Jacob got up and had Reginald make him some eggs and coffee. As he sat at the counter eating, Reginald inquired about his night out.
“How was your night out with Sir Rock?” Reginald inquired, inquiringly.
“Blew monkey chunks,” Jacob said, chewing his eggs. “The bar was packed. There are too many people on this earth, Reginald. And the girls all left almost immediately to go see some slut movie.”
“Was it Poolyard Sluts Ten, sir?”
“No, Reginald.”
“Hairy Man Sluts of the Congo?”
“No, Reginald.”
“Tri-racial Bukakke Slut Gangbang?”
“Damn it, Reginald, it wasn’t porn. What is wrong with you?”
“An old man can always hope, sir.”
“Weird. And a little bit creepy,” Jacob said, returning to his eggs before there was a knock at the door.
“Sup bro,” Rock said as Jacob opened the door. Rock was wearing sunglasses despite being inside, because apparently he was one of the Blues Brothers now.
“Rock, what are you doing here?”
“What? A man can’t stop by for a quick visit with his bud?”
“That’s not what I meant,” Jacob said. “I mean, it’s before noon. I didn’t think you got up this early. Ever.”
Rock shrugged as he walked into Jacob’s apartment, plopped down on the couch, and flipped on the TV. “Today I did. So what? Anyway, how good did Nancy look last night?”
“Meh. I really don’t see what people see in her.”
“Dem big ole tittays. Heh heh,” Rock said, laughing like a sex offender. “Anyway, I think I found my latest target.”
“Really? Just yesterday you were all about Lucy.”
“Yeah, but Lucy was never going to happen. You saw how cold she was to me at the bar. She was never going to sleep with me. What a slut,” Rock said, unaware of what that term means. “Now Nancy, there’s a girl I could settle down with.”
“Settle down? I thought you were just looking to hook up.”
“No, dude, I’m telling you. She’s perfect for me.”
“Rock, you just met her last night,” Jacob said. I guess I can see that, though. I feel the same way about Brenda because I’m a big dumb idiot, Jacob thought, though I may have added that last part.
“Doesn’t matter, dude. See, unlike you, I’m a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, and I’m telling you bro, this is love.”
“By love you mean she has big boobies and you think she’ll put out.”
“She seems DTF and has a nice pair, I’ll give you that,” Rock said, nodding. “But it’s more than that. This girl, she gives me a funny feeling that I haven’t felt in forever.”
“That’s called an erection, Rock. It’s natural, but if it lasts longer than four hours you should call a doctor.”
“Shut up, dude. I know what an erection is.”
“Apparently not.”
“But it’s more than that. I mean, Nancy, she’s so beautiful, you know?”
“No she’s not.”
“Yeah dude. I can’t remember the last time I felt like this about somebody.”
“It was Lucy, and it was twenty-four hours ago.”
“I just want to get to know this girl better.”
“You mean you want to get to know her tits better.” Jacob sighed, unhappy about being brought back into the fold of Rock’s idiotic dramas but too curious to tell Mr. Douchetastic to piss off, as he probably should have. “So, what are you going to do?”
Rock thought for a moment (you could see the strain on his face. It looked like he was taking a shit, but it wasn’t coming out easily). Then he clapped his hands resolutely, as if he were going to actually attempt to accomplish something meaningful, and stood up. “I think I’ll give her a call.”
“Good idea, Rock. Let me know how it turns out,” Jacob said as he walked his terrible friend to the door. As the door shut behind him, he turned to Reginald. “Not that I give a fuck.”
“If you don’t giveth a fuck, sir, then why did you ask him to tell you how it went?” Reginald asked, being the only sensible person in the room.
“Giveth? Are we in the Middle Ages all of a sudden, you dumb twat,” Jacob said, being the abusive dick that he was. “And because it’s what you’re supposed to do. What was I going to say? Do whatever the fuck you want, but don’t tell me, because I don’t give a shit?”
“That would seem to have conveyed your feelings quite succinctly, sir.”
“I can’t say that, Reginald.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because I just, shut up Reginald. You don’t know anything about anything. I’m going for a run.”
When he got back from his run, during which he admirably managed not to intentionally run over any little old ladies or young children, Jacob noticed for the first time a bulletin board with a variety of events posted.
What the fuck? Why would anybody want to do things with random other people in their apartment complex? Don’t these losers have lives? Who would want to meet the people they live with? Oh, right, he thought, stopping in his tracks and returning t
o the bulletin board. Now, what is it Australians like? Bingo.
Finding the perfect event, scheduled to start at eight o’clock the following evening, Jacob made his way to the elevator. Waiting to board the elevator was a cute brunette girl with lips that stuck out, kind of like a fish.
“Jacob, right?” asked the fishy brunette.
“Yes,” Jacob said, trying to remember who the hell this girl was.
“Janelle Atkins. We met briefly last night.”
“Yeah, I remember,” Jacob lied. “What are you up to?”
“Not much. Just running some errands,” Janelle said, holding up the bags that Jacob would have offered to carry if he weren’t such a self-absorbed toilet bowl. “You?”
“Just got back from a run,” Jacob said, getting on the elevator. “What floor?”
“Eight.”
“Oh, nice. We live on the same floor.”
“I know. Lucy mentioned that last night.”
They got off on the same floor and went their separate ways. Reginald greeted Jacob as he entered his apartment.
“How was your run, sir?”
“It was alright, except for the people. I hate people.”
“You’ve mentioned that, sir. How far did you go?”
“4.”
“Miles, sir?”
“No, kilometers. Of course miles. Do I look fucking Canadian to you, Reginald?”
“Actually, yes, sir. Americans don’t differ much from Canadians in terms of physical appearance.”
“Just shut up, Reginald. Now, I have to shower. Oh, and I’m going out tomorrow night.”
“With Sir Rock, sir?”
“No, alone. You remember that Australian chick, Brenda?”
“The one you won’t shut up about, sir?”
“Yes, Reginald.”
“The one you’re inexplicably in love with, though you haven’t had so much as a proper conversation, sir?”
“Yes, Reginald.”
“The one you’re fawning over like a schoolgirl…”
“Shut up, Reginald. You know I’m a romantic.”
“No you’re not.”
“Well, I am now.”