by Lee Ellis
“It was good. I heard you had an interesting weekend yourself.”
“Yeah. I officiated my first pee wee football game this weekend.”
“Hmm. How’d that go?”
“It was good. I love those little fuckers. I mean, little angels. Watching them run around, learning the rules of the great game of football with smiles on their faces really warms my heart. It’s a sacrifice, giving up your Saturday to help out, but it’s all worth it for the difference you make.”
“Oh, really?” Brenda asked, resting her chin on her fist with an amused expression on her face. “And when are you officiating your next game?”
Jacob took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m not quite sure. You know, with scheduling conflicts and all, it’s complicated.”
“Mm-hmm. I heard you got kicked out at halftime.”
“Jesus Christ. Yes, but it wasn’t my fault,” Jacob said, rolling his eyes in exasperation. “Those other officials are so stodgy. I was trying to keep the game moving, you know, for the kids. But those other guys, all they care about are following rules and safety protocols. I bet they don’t even care about the kids.”
“They’re probably pedophiles,” Brenda said, smiling.
“I know, right? You should have seen me out there. I was like, the greatest referee ever.”
“Hmm. I did hear you killed a kid, though.”
“Well, I don’t know that that’s necessarily true,” Jacob said. “I mean, yes, a kid did die, but did I kill him? I prefer to think of it as God calling one of his little angels home.”
“So, you did kill a kid, then?”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened.”
Brenda shrugged. “Well, shit happens. Besides, I knew the kid. He was a little turd anyway. No one is going to miss him.”
“I know, right. Well, maybe his parents.”
“Fuck them. They raised a little shit. Besides, they’re young. They can always have another. You know, try again and maybe not shit this one all up like the last one.”
“Yeah. And he was young, so it’s not like they had that much invested in him anyway.”
Brenda laughed and pointed a knowing finger at Jacob. If you don’t know the gesture I’m trying to describe, then go fuck yourself. “Now you’re thinking.”
Jacob laughed, then smiled at Brenda. “So, you were there on Saturday, then?”
“Yeah. I went to watch my little brother’s game.”
“Oh. Well, that sounds like fun.”
“Oh, yeah. It was a lot of fun. I had a real blast.”
“Really?”
“Fuck no. Little bastards have no idea what they’re doing. It’s boring as watching shit dry.”
“Why do you go then?”
Brenda looked at him and shrug. “I don’t know. Because my little brother was playing and my father asked me to, and it’s what you’re supposed to do for family.”
Jacob looked at his watch. “Oh, shit. Hey, I’m late for my meeting. Anyway, nice talking to you.”
“Sure. See you around.”
“Hey, Jacob. How’s it going?” Henry greeted Jacob as he entered to conference room for their meeting.
“You’re late,” Olivia snapped at him like a vicious little alligator.
Jacob checked his watch. “It’s 10:03. I’m like three minutes late. Sorry.”
“Why’d would you show up at 10:03 for a 10 o’clock meeting?” David asked as if the entire concept of tardiness completely baffled him.
“I was running some errands. You know, mailing some things. Work related products and what not. Anyway, it took a little longer than I’d anticipated. I’m sorry.”
“But, I don’t get it,” David said. “Did you not know that we had this meeting at 10 o’clock? Why wouldn’t you have left earlier?”
“Christ, I said I’m sorry. Let’s just get started.”
“Don’t force your religion on me, please,” David said. “I’m just confused. Is your watch slow or something?”
“Forget it. Let’s start this meeting.”
“We can’t,” Olivia said, rolling her eyes. “Steve isn’t here yet.”
“What the fuck? You guys are giving me shit for being late, and the boss isn’t even here yet.”
“Just because he’s late doesn’t make it any more acceptable for you to be,” Olivia said, rolling her eyes aggressively and exhaling in frustration. “Five minutes now.”
“I don’t get it. How hard is it for people to show up on time for things?” David asked incredulously, like the perfect little smug fuck dick he was.
“I don’t know, but this is fucking ridiculous,” Olivia fumed. “I’ve got stuff I could be doing. I don’t have time to sit here all day, waiting for this fucking inconsiderate jackass to show up because he doesn’t fucking understand that ten means fucking ten. How unprofessional. How irresponsible. What a terrible example to be setting.”
Their mutual circlejerk and bitchfest was interrupted as the door swung open and Steve walked in, followed closely by Bethany, carrying a box full of doughnuts. How sweet.
“Hey, folks, sorry I’m late,” Steve Manchild said as he walked to the head of the table and took his seat. “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”
“Oh, it’s no problem at all,” Olivia said, lying through her sniveling teeth, while David kept his mouth shut for the first time in his entire life.
“Look, everybody, I brought doughnuts,” Bethany declared a little too cheerfully, opening the box and holding it up to Jacob’s nose. “Hear, everyone take one. Jacob, you just have to try the jelly. They. Are. Heavenlyyyyyyyyyy.”
“Uh, no thanks, I’m good,” Jacob said, turning his head uncomfortably away from the box.
“Oh come on, now, don’t be shy,” Bethany said, jiggling both the box and her big fat ass. “You know you want some. Besides I can’t eat all these by myself, or else I’ll get fat.”
“Uh, no, really. I just had breakfast.”
“Oh, alright then,” Bethany said, looking as if Jacob had just run over her dog with his car, then got out of the car and pissed on the dog’s body. Which, given his recent history, Jacob probably would have done. Bethany offered the rest of the group doughnuts, with Henry and Steve accepting, and placed the box in the center of the table before taking one herself.
“Alright. Let’s get started,” Steve said as Bethany reached for a doughnut. “Olivia, did you finish on those advertisements to send to the churches?”
Churches? Jacob thought. What the fuck could we do at this company that would involve churches?
“Um, yes and no. I finished the ones for the Catholic churches and synagogues, but not the Protestant churches.”
“Alright. Why not?” Steve asked as Bethany reached for a doughnut.
“There’s just too many Protestants.”
“So? That’s a good thing. We’re trying to get a lot of exposure. The more people, the better.”
“No, I mean there are too many types of Protestants. Like, with the Catholics, you make one mailer, and it reaches a bunch of people, but these Protestants, they have a different church on every block.”
“I think you may be exaggerating just a little bit there.”
“No, I’m serious. To research this, I went to church with a friend of mine. On the way, we passed like seven other churches, all closer to her house. Three of them were the same damn denomination. And then we got to the church, and across the street, another church! It was ridiculous.”
“That is ridiculous,” David said, scoffing in the process. “It’s all the same nonsense. Why can’t they all just worship space dad in the same place?”
Steve rolled his eyes as Bethany reached for a doughnut. “Alright, I get it. Protestant churches are more common than Starbucks. Have you considered just making a single ad for all the Protestant churches and using that?”
Olivia looked at Steve like he was an alien from another planet, with green eyes, tentacles, and three teeth.
“You really want to be that lazy about it?”
“Why not? It’s not like those people are smart enough to notice. They spend their Sundays talking to an imaginary friend for Christ’s sake,” David said, surveying the room for any sign of reaction. Bethany reached for a doughnut.
“Anyway, if it’s taking you that long to make up individualized ads, then yes. Moving along, Jacob, that report you sent to me last week?” Steve said, looking at Jacob.
“Yes? What about it?” Jacob asked, looking at Steve. Steve and Jacob looked at each other. David looked at Steve, Olivia looked at her watch, Henry looked at Olivia, and Bethany looked at the doughnuts. Then she reached for one. Now that you know who everyone is looking at, let’s continue.
“Well, I don’t really want to call you out in front of the group like this, but it was complete and utter shit,” Steve said, calling Jacob out in front of the group like this.
“Really?” Jacob said. “What was wrong with it?”
“Everything. I mean, it was exactly the same as your last report. It even had the same title, which is weird, because the topic was supposed to be completely different. Now, I know that you’re new here, so I’ll cut you some slack. If you want, I can ask Olivia or David to help you write them, until you catch on.”
“NO NO NO! Fuck no,” Jacob exclaimed. Olivia and David looked at him, looking offended, and Jacob quickly moved to cover his steps. “I mean, with the whole church thing, it seems like Olivia has more than enough on her plate as is. And David’s a pompous ass.”
“Fair enough,” Steve said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “But these reports need to improve, or else there are going to be some major problems. Bethany, put the doughnut down.”
“Hey, Steve, if you want, I can help him out,” Henry said.
“Henry, with all due respect, you helping someone with their reports is like France helping someone not surrender.” Steve sighed. “But, I suppose it’s better than the alternative, which is to let dipshit over here continue to write his own reports. Fine. I think we’re done here for the day.”
“Oh perfect timing. We just ran out of doughnuts,” Bethany said. Bethany liked doughnuts.
Following the meeting, Jacob unlocked the door to his office and walked in, followed closely by Henry.
“So, you want to get working on that report I’m supposed to help you with?” Henry asked as Jacob tossed his stuff on his desk.
“Oh. Are you actually planning on doing that? I thought you were just trying to get Steve off my back.”
Henry shrugged. “I was, but I have a lot of work of my own that I’m trying to avoid, so if you want my help, I’m more than happy to give it to you. So, do you want to work on that report?”
“No, I think I’m good,” Jacob said, shaking his head and turning on his computer. “I think I’m just going to base it on the report I sent him last week. You know, use that as a template.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan,” Henry said, looking around Jacob’s office. “So, you don’t want to go to a coffee shop and work on your report?”
“No.”
“Do you want to tell people we’re going to a coffee shop and instead hit up a bar?”
“Henry, it’s 10:30 in the morning on a Monday. So yes, of course I do.” Jacob turned off his computer, grabbed his stuff, and locked the door behind him. As the two started to leave the building, Bethany stopped the two of them.
“Where do you two think you’re going?”
“We’re heading to a bar to get drunk,” Henry said nonchalantly.
“Oh, yeah, right. I’ll tell that to Steve when he asks.”
Jacob grabbed Henry’s arm and whispered into his ear as they walked away. “Hey, what happened to our cover story?”
“Relax. She assumes I was joking. She’ll either tell Steve that we went to work on something, or tell him we’re at a bar, but do so in a manner that implies she is joking. After all, if we were going to a bar during working hours, we wouldn’t tell people we were going to a bar, would we?”
“But we are going to a bar, right?”
“Of course.”
“So then the weasel said to Dan Quayle, ‘That’s not my cheese!’” Henry finished the punch line to what was by far the funniest joke Jacob had ever heard.
“Hahahahahaha. Oh man, that is by far the funniest joke that I’ve ever heard,” Jacob said, struggling to breathe through fits of laughter as tears of pure ecstasy streamed down his face. “I sure do feel bad to anybody who hasn’t heard that one before. Seriously, anyone who doesn’t hear that joke is missing out on one of the greatest experiences in life.”
“I know, right. You’d have to be a real pathetic, sorry excuse for a human being to not know that joke.”
“What a bunch of dumb assholes!”
“Jacob?” The voice that interrupted their good time was that of Nancy Neal.
“Nancy,” Jacob said cheerfully, just buzzed enough not to care. “How are you?”
Nancy took a seat at the table with Henry and Jacob. “Good. Uh, why are you two drinking in the middle of the work day?”
“Uh, why are you not drinking in the middle of the work day?”
“Because I’m not an alcoholic.”
“Oh, look at Nancy, on her high horse of not-alcoholism,” Henry said.
“Yeah, maybe next she’ll be expecting us to be sober in church,” Jacob added.
“Yeah, or suggest that we should golf sober.”
“Or watch sports sober.”
“Or drive sober.”
“Whatever,” Nancy said, putting her purse down on the table. “Though you are supposed to drive sober.”
“Really?” Henry asked. “You mean I’ve been doing it wrong all these years?”
Nancy gave him a dirty look as if to imply that driving drunk was bad and something to be looked down on, which was strange because to the best of my knowledge it’s never hurt anybody. Anyway, she then turned to Jacob.
“Jacob, do you have any idea what’s going on with Rock?” Nancy asked aggressively since obviously Jacob was responsible for everything Rock either did or didn’t do. I don’t know why he even talked with this bitch, who was obviously pretty stupid if she kept hanging out with Rock. He should have just told her to piss off.
“Yes, when you come up to me and randomly ask what’s going on with Rock, I immediately know not only specifically the actions that you are upset about, but also him motivations and reasons behind engaging in said actions, since I’m not only with Rock constantly, I’m also reading his mind.”
“Um, what?”
“I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.”
“Oh. So, last weekend, we were hanging out, having a good time, going shopping and cuddling up with a warm cup of tea or a pint of ice cream and watching movies together.”
“Gay. Go on.”
“Anyway, out of the blue, he just stops calling me. I mean, I thought our relationship was going really well.”
“Gay. Go on.”
“He keeps doing this. Just when I think we are starting to get somewhere in our relationship, he starts ignoring my calls. Do you know what’s up with him? I mean, is this a common thing, where he just goes off radar for a week or so at a time, or is it something with me where he’s avoiding talking to me?”
“Gay. Go on.”
“That doesn’t really fit. The thing is, if he doesn’t want a relationship now, like if he just wants to screw around, I’m totally cool with that. I’d like a relationship, but I’m not desperate for one, you know. I just kind of want to know what’s up with him. Whether we’re dating or just having fun, you know?”
“Gay. Go on.”
“Whatever. Anyway, I’ve got to get back to work. If you see Rock, tell him I’ve been wanting to talk to him.”
“Gay. Go on.”
“How was work today, sir?” Reginald asked as Jacob stumbled through the front door.
“Um, it was intoxicating,”
Jacob said, opening the fridge to look for something to eat. “Jesus Christ, Reginald, do we have anything in here that isn’t super complicated to make?”
“Most of it, sir. All you have to do is put most of it in the oven, and I think you have some microwavable stuff in the back there.”
“Fuck it. Too much work,” Jacob said, shutting the door to the fridge and sitting down at his laptop. “What’s the name of that cheap Chinese place?”
“The one that always gives you the shits, sir? I believe it’s David’s.”
“David’s? It’s a Chinese place, Reginald. Why the fuck would it be called David’s?”
“I’m not sure, sir. Perhaps they Anglicized the name.”
“Anglicized it? This is America. Why the fuck would they Anglicize something? We’re not Angles.”
“Anglicize simply means to make something English, sir. You know, like the language we speak.”
“Shut up, Reginald. A fucking Chinese place isn’t going to be called David’s. Maybe Din Wong’s, or Shin-huan Choo’s, but not David’s. Oh, found it.”
“And what was it called, sir?”
“Daniel’s, Reginald. See? Not fucking David’s. Dumbass.”
Chapter 13-Rock’s a Mall Santa. A Drunk One, Of Course.
“Good morning, Jacob,” chipper little Miss Bethany said, greeting Jacob like a chirpy little bird as he walked in the following day. “Did you and Henry get your report finished?”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Don’t play coy with me, you little rascal you,” Bethany said, rubbing Jacob’s shoulder and leaving her arm there a little too long for Jacob’s comfort, though to be fair being touched at all by Bethany made Jacob uncomfortable. That sizeist. “That ‘bar’ you and Henry went to yesterday. I know that the two of you just went to work on your report for Steve.”
“Oh, yeah, of course we did,” Jacob said laughing, the laugh starting out as a slight, phony fake laugh and quickly becoming the exaggerated laugh of a psychopath, complete with the crazy eyes. “I mean, really, who would go to a bar in the middle of a Monday? I mean, a bar? Wahahahahahahahahaahaha.”