by Lee Ellis
“You’re going to kiss Lucy, and that’s final, sir.”
“Are you trying to tell me what to do, Reginald?”
“No, sir, not what to do. Merely what you are going to do.”
“I don’t follow.”
Reginald sighed. “You’ve been obsessed with this Brenda chick since you moved in here, yet you know very little about her. You haven’t gotten to know her well, keeping her at a distance so that you can pretend she’s your dream girl instead of getting to know her and risk finding out that she isn’t.”
“I don’t know if that’s true. I just haven’t gotten an opportunity yet.”
“Whatever, sir. The point is, sir, that you have this fantasy alive in your head, of you and her being together. If you try to kiss her, she may reject you, destroying this fantasy world you live in.”
“Harsh, Reginald.”
“Honesty often is, sir. Ms. Fontaine, on the other hand, has told you she likes you. You know she’ll accept. She’s safe, sir, and there’s no risk, so ultimately you’ll settle for her rather than risk the rejection and the destruction of the fantasy that’s keeping hope alive for you and Ms. Brenda.”
“No, Reginald. I’ll take the risk this time. For love. That’s what people in love do, Reginald. They risk everything.”
“No, sir, that’s what idiots do. People don’t fall in love. People settle.”
Chapter 14-Jacob Bangs Bethany.
“No way, dude,” Jacob said as he and Lucy walked into work on the Monday before the New Year’s Party.
“Yes way, dude,” Lucy responded, with an unnecessary amount of snark on the ‘dude’ which Jacob didn’t notice, but that I for one did not appreciate. Over the past month, the relationship between the two had normalized, which in this case meant that Jacob had stopped hiding every time Lucy walked by. The two now walked in to work together on a regular basis, and Jacob had made no response to Lucy’s advances, so the two remained just friends.
“You’re just angry because women aren’t funny. Like as a rule. There’s nothing wrong with that, women have plenty of other things they’re better at, but humor isn’t one of them. It’s a male strong point.”
“That’s so sexist.”
“Facts are sexist?”
“No, look,” Lucy said, punching Jacob playfully on the arm, since the two were clearly ‘just friends’. “This weekend, over at Nancy’s, it was me and her and like five of Rock’s friends, right? And Nancy made a joke, right?”
“I wasn’t aware she had a sense of humor.”
“Shut up. She doesn’t, but shut up. Anyway, she makes a joke, and nobody laughs. Then two minutes later, like literally two minutes, Rock says the same exact thing, and everyone cracks up laughing. I mean, what the hell?”
“See? It just proves my point. Women aren’t funny.”
“How? She makes the same exact joke, I mean says the literal same thing, how? How is he funny, and she isn’t?”
Jacob took a deep breath, and set about attempting to explain humor to a member of the unfunny gender, her unfunniness being proven by the fact that she sought explanation for humor. “Look, first off, I doubt it went down the way you describe it.”
“It did.”
“If you say so. Secondly, and most importantly, there’s more to being funny than just the words that come out of your mouth, you know?” She didn’t. “It’s all in the delivery. If you mess up the delivery, then it doesn’t matter how funny the words themselves were, the joke is ruined. And Nancy probably bombed the delivery because, you know, women aren’t fucking funny.”
“Bullshit. It’s just because men are so sexist. They think that women can’t be funny, even though they are, so that when a woman does say something funny, the men just ignore her. Then when a guy says the same thing with the same delivery, everyone cracks up. If men would just get over themselves and actually pay attention, they would see that women are just as funny as they are.”
“Whatever,” Jacob said, playfully rolling his eyes. “Hey, has Rock found another job yet?”
“I don’t think so. Wait, what do you mean another job? Don’t you have to have a job in the first place before you can get another job?”
“He had a job. He was a mall Santa.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that. So he’s looking for a real job, then?”
“No. Well kind of. He got fired.”
Lucy laughed in disbelief. “Seriously? How do you get fired from being a mall Santa?”
“You puke on a kid.”
“Ugh. Gross.”
“Meh. Kid probably had it coming.”
“So he got fired for that? It doesn’t sound like it was his fault. He got sick.”
“Oh he didn’t get sick. He was drunk,” Jacob stated matter-of-factly.
“I see. I guess he should have been fired, then,” Lucy said. “Does Rock have a drinking problem? Drinking at work isn’t exactly a normal thing.”
“Yes it is. Shut up. Stop judging me,” Jacob said, his eyes darting from side to side.
“No it isn’t.”
“Well, the guy was a mall Santa. You kind of have to be drunk for that job.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yeah, you do. Having to deal with kids all day, and their stupid spoiled wishes and their stupid spoiled snotty noses. Besides, I’m pretty sure there’s a law requiring it.”
“Really?” Lucy said, arching her eyebrows. “You think there is a law requiring mall Santas to be drunk on the job?”
“Why not?” Jacob asked, shrugging. “There are a lot of stupid laws.”
“Jacob, what politician is going to run a campaign on getting people who work with kids drunk?”
“The type of politician I would vote for. Anyway, maybe it’s not a law, but it’s got to be a regulation of some sort.”
“A regulation? By whom? The National Association of Santa Impersonators?”
“Sure,” Jacob said, thinking for a minute. “Is that really the name they chose? Seems like a poor choice.”
“No, Jacob, I just made it up.”
“Why’d you do that? Do you not know the name of the organization responsible for regulating mall Santas?”
“No, Jacob. There isn’t one. And if there were why would they require people to be drunk on the job?”
“Oh, naïve little Lucy,” Jacob said, placing a hand on Lucy’s shoulder, “there are just some jobs that require you to be drunk to do them properly. Take my job for instance. Now, I’m a drunk janitor to be sure, but I have to be.”
“What?”
“You see, Lucy, my drunkenness and lowly physical labor job is what allows me to dispense critical, sage advice to the main characters at just the right time,” the main character said.
“How?”
“You see, my drunkenness allows me to think and operate outside the normal intellectual spectrum of sober humans, allowing me to come up with more creative solutions than my sober counterparts. Meanwhile, my menial job makes my advice unexpected and enlightening, along with allowing high powered executives to feel comfortable talking to me, since they don’t view me as a threat.”
“Right, you’re drinking the coffee I just saw you buy. You aren’t drunk.”
“Yet.”
“And for about the thousandth time, you aren’t a janitor.”
“Oh no? Then why do I keep going into people’s offices at night and throwing out everything on their desks?”
“Jacob, I’m certain nobody asked you to do that.”
“No,” Jacob shrugged. “But I like to be helpful.”
“That’s not helpful. It’s probably extremely annoying.”
“Annoying,” Jacob said, snapping his fingers. “That’s what I meant to say. I sometimes get those two things confused.”
“Whatever,” Lucy said, walking in and holding the door to LDC’s headquarters for Jacob, because this was the 21st century, god damn it. “I’ll see you at the end of the day.”
“Hey, Jacob. You want a cupcake?” Bethany said, pointing to the box of cupcakes she’d brought in for everyone. What a sweetheart.
“Sure. Why not?” Jacob said, taking a cupcake from Bethany. He ate the cupcake as she rubbed his arm, staring longingly into his eyes as he ate.
What the hell? This is definitely sexual harassment, Jacob thought as she continued to rub his arm. Jacob knew he should report it, but he didn’t want it to stop. Hell yes, he did. What the fuck are you doing?
Jacob finished his cupcake, licking the last bit of icing off his finger, sexily, seductively. Bethany bit her lip and shyly looked away, and knew it was time to make her move. She sat on her desk, pulling up her skirt slightly, just enough to let Jacob know her intent. Jacob wasted no time accepting, moving toward her, grabbing her in his arms, and planting the longest, most sensualist kiss on her that he’d ever had in his life. The second was an eternity, or some other lame line like that, as she leaned back and lifted her leg in ecstasy.
No, no fuck no. We are not doing this. None of this shit happened and you know it. I’ve put up with enough shit from you, no fucking way we are turning this into an erotic novel. Not now, not with this fat cow. Knock it off. Now, Jacob said, deciding at that moment to go into the priesthood and undertake a life of celibacy. No, not that either. Seriously, stop being a dick. No sex scenes with anyone over three hundred pounds, or I quit.
“Thanks for the cupcake,” Jacob said, heading to his office.
“Oh, Jacob,” Bethany said, sitting on her desk and hiking her skirt up. Jacob was mesmerized as he caught just the edge of her very seductive thong, his mouth starting to water. “Can you tell? I’ve lost weight. I’m down to two hundred ninety-nine pounds.”
Fuck off. No technicalities, Jacob thought, not letting me have any fun by making him fuck a fat broad. Everybody continued to work in their professional manner, but before Jacob could professionally enter his professional, non sex-having office, David opened the door to Steve’s office and stepped out.
“Oh, Jacob. Steve wants to see you,” David said as he shut the door behind him. “I think he’s upset about something.”
“I’m upset about your existence,” Jacob said.
“That was unnecessarily mean. Why would you say that?”
“Because I hate you. Obviously,” Jacob said entering Steve’s office. Steve was sitting on his desk, with Henry sitting in one of the two guest chairs in front of him. “What’s going on, boss?”
“Have a seat, Jacob,” Steve said, gesturing to the seat on in front of him.
“I swear to God, the girl said she was eighteen. I wasn’t online. I don’t even have internet. Uh, I just wanted to show her the dangers?” Jacob said, throwing out anything he thought might work.
“Jacob, just sit down.”
Jacob took a seat.
“Jesus Christ, Jacob, not on Henry’s lap.”
“Sorry. Sorry, Henry,” Jacob said, getting off Henry’s lap and moving to the empty seat next to him. “What’s up, boss?”
“It’s about your recent reports since I told Henry to help you on them.”
“Shit.”
“I don’t know what he told you to do differently or what you’ve changed, but they’ve been fantastic recently.”
“I’m sorry. Look, I can explain. Wait a minute, um, thank you?”
“Don’t thank me, Jacob, thank Henry. But I have to ask you, what exactly did Henry do to get you on the right track?”
“Um, friendly encouragement and good advice?”
“I mean, your reports were shit. Like, the worst I’d ever seen, and Henry’s were pretty bad as well, but somehow I sent him to advise you, and you start churning gold out of that shit. They’ve been better than even David’s recently, and he’s an anal retentive psycho.”
“Haha. Suck it, David,” Jacob laughed to himself. “Hey, you know, maybe you should think about firing him. You know, since my reports are better and all.”
“That’s a stupid suggestion and makes no sense. Shut the hell up.”
“Yes, boss.”
“Anyway, I need to know what it was Henry said to you. I keep asking him, but he can’t seem to put it into words. I don’t know if he’s humble or just has the eloquence of a stutterer with a bee stung tongue, but I’m not getting it. So, what exactly did he say?”
“Oh, uh, well you know. He said some stuff, and then some other things. It’s difficult to put it into words.”
“If I may interject,” Henry interjected, “it’s not so much about the words that were said as the chemistry that Jacob and I have together. It’d be difficult for anyone else to understand or work with the advice that I gave Jacob, as much as it helped him.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Steve asked.
“Well, Jacob and I communicate in a way that others can’t understand. We’re like twins speaking in their own language.”
“Exactly. We’re like twins using their own language,” Jacob said. “Only we were born three years apart.”
“And we aren’t related.”
“And the language is English.”
“Alright. Enough of this,” Steve said. “You two, get back to work. I guess I can forget about having Henry help anyone else. Just keep up the good work.”
The two left Steve’s office and stopped outside Jacob’s.
“Good cover,” Henry said, patting Jacob on the back. “I had no idea what to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him that I just took you out drinking, but that was all I could come up with.”
“Yeah, telling the truth never helps the situation,” Jacob agreed. “I haven’t changed anything about the reports though. I don’t know why he’s so happy about them.”
“Probably because he’s stupid.”
“Oh yeah. I forget that sometimes. Anyway, I’ll see you later,” Jacob said, putting his key in the door and unlocking his office. Before he could go in, he was stopped by Olivia.
“Hey, Jacob? Have you seen that list I’ve been working on for the past week? I could have sworn I’d left it on my desk, but I can’t seem to find it.”
Later that day, Jacob stopped for coffee on his way back from lunch, looked across the store and saw Brenda sitting alone on the other side. She was beautiful, looking like a pasty white Nubian princess, only wearing a blazer and dress pants instead of whatever Nubians wore, and she was on a laptop computer, which I’m pretty sure didn’t exist back then. Anyway, Jacob walked up to her and pulled out a seat as she looked up.
“Hey, you mind if I sit here?” Jacob asked.
“Yes. I mind greatly.” Heartbroken, Jacob turned and started to walk away, but Brenda stopped him. “Sit down, I was joking. Obviously.”
“Oh. Well I didn’t know,” Jacob said, quickly sitting down in the seat he had previously pulled out. “I thought maybe you were working on something and didn’t want to be disturbed.”
“Yeah, I should be. Instead, I’m shopping for shoes and looking at wedding pictures.”
Shopping for shoes and looking at wedding pictures? We’re perfect for each other, Jacob thought. We both enjoy things that aren’t working. I bet she also likes to laugh and have a good time, just like me. That’s such a hard quality to find in a woman.
“Nice. Are you off today?” What a stupid question, considering she was on a work computer and wearing work clothes, but Jacob’s penis was temporarily preventing his brain from functioning properly.
“No. I’m fucking around on company time.”
“Yeah, I should totally be back at work now, too. My lunch break ended about ten minutes ago.”
“Ooh, you’re such a rebel. I just left and came here. I have little enough supervision that nobody really notices if I decide to work offsite, as long as everything gets taken care of and the clients are happy, and I can’t stand being around some of the people there. Especially that fat bitch Bethany, your boss’s secretary or whatever. She fucking stinks.”
“Yeah, I know. She’s t
he worst,” Jacob said, smiling, apparently really enjoying the fact that Brenda was as mean and cold-hearted toward the perfectly kind, albeit a bit large and pungent, secretary as he was. This was apparently more common ground they had, picking on and mocking someone without the social advantages of being young, attractive, and olfactorily inoffensive like they were, although Brenda was thin as a twig and I’m pretty sure Jacob just farted, so it’s not like they were perfect themselves. “So how’s the whole running Australian accounts going?”
“It’s alright,” Brenda said. “It’s really all about making sure the clients are happy.”
“Does that keep you pretty busy?”
“Not really. Sometimes I have to lean on people to get their work done, but usually if there’s a problem I can just go to the boss and he’ll take care of it. As for the clients, I take them out when I can and get them drunk, so they’re always happy with me. If they’re upset, it’s usually whoever’s been assigned to work on the accounts that gets the blame.”
“Hmm. What happens to them?”
Brenda shrugged. “Not my problem.”
“Fair enough. Who got married?”
“What?”
“You said you were looking at wedding pictures. Who was it?”
“Oh. Uh, just some girl Lucy went to high school with. I don’t know her personally, it just seemed like a good way to not work.”
“True dat. You know, Lucy and I went to the same high school. Let me see the pictures, see if I knew the girl,” Jacob said to Brenda, who turned the computer around so he could see.
That girl has had my dick in her mouth, Jacob thought as soon as he recognized the picture as Annie, an ex-lover of our Don Juan. Ew. It’s surprising how weird this is, seeing her in all these lovey dovey pictures of a couple “in love”. Seriously? Her “one and only?” More like last in a long line. Maybe Reginald is right, this whole true love thing is some hypocritical bullshit. I guess you just take what you can get.
“So?” Brenda asked, bringing Jacob back into reality.
“So what?”
“So do you know her?”
“Oh, uh, yeah. I mean, not well. It was a big school, but I recognize her. I don’t think we ever spoke or anything though.”