by Dave Barry
* Wearing shorts and black knee socks at the same time.
* Calling you “Sweetie Beancakes” in front of strangers.
* Forgetting to buy beer.
* Repeatedly putting the ice cube tray back in the refrigerator with two or fewer ice cubes in it.
* Bringing the car home with just enough gas in it so that, if you shut the engine off and coast on the downhill slopes, you can get as far as the end of the driveway.
* Any cigar-related activity.
* Standing next to you with a sour facial expression at a party while you tell
a really terrific joke and then loudly announcing the punchline three-tenths of a second before you get to it and then saying: “Isn’t that AWFUL?” (NOTE: In some states this is grounds not only for divorce, but also for murder.)
* Golf.
* One day, with no warning, bringing home:
1. a cat, or
2. an Amway representative.
* Leaving his or her toenails in a prominent location as though they were decorative art objects.
* Using the word “frankly” a lot and not meaning it as a joke.
* Operating a loud household appliance during the Super Bowl.
* Secretly liking Geraldo Rivera.
The Divorce Proceedings
You want to keep them as quiet as possible. You don’t want them to be highly publicized, like the divorce a few years back in Palm Beach, Florida, involving wealthy socialites Peter and Roxanne Pulitzer, in which Peter claimed that Roxanne had slept with a three-foot trumpet. Naturally the national news media found this to be far more interesting than anything that has ever happened in the Middle East, so now everybody has heard about it. Roxanne Pulitzer could visit a remote and primitive Amazon jungle tribe, and the tribespeople would all gather around her and make trumpet sounds.
So you want to avoid letting your intimate secrets out. Not that I am suggesting for one second that you have ever slept with a trumpet. You are more the bassoon type.
Starting Over after the Divorce
Eventually the divorce will become final, and you can start picking up the broken pieces of your life and selling them to pay off your legal bills. But also you must think about the future, and, yes, meeting someone new. You must not be afraid. Oh, sure, you got burned and you got hurt. But that is no reason to give up. You must not be afraid. You must show the same kind of gumption as the cowboy, who, if he gets thrown off a horse, climbs right back on, and if he gets thrown off again, climbs right back on again, and so on, until virtually all of his brain cells are dead.
Back to Chapter 1.
Index
Bazooka bubble gum, 47
Bra Strap Research Center, 29
Clam goaders, 48
Cleaver, Beaver, 14
Deviled Egg Transporter, 27
Elephant Man’s Disease, 6
Esplanade, Victor, 50
Flag, Capture the, 42
Giant albino turkeys, 19
Godzilla, 73, 74
Guard, Right, 16
Harriet, Ozzie and, 17
Helmsley, Leona, 33
Indonesian Fighting Snake, 82
Jell-O, 26
Karamazov, Brothers, 6
LeGume, Baron, 30
LeGoon, Dwayne R., Jr., 49
Lodge, Out O’Town Motor, 78
Loins of Passion, 30
Marcos, Ferdinand and Imelda, 80-81
Mayonnaise, XI Mongolian Death Flu, 51
Mutant argument topics, 67
National Rifle Association, 43
Nature, Mother, 22
Pancreas, rat, 10
Perot, H. Ross, 33
Pez, 48
Planet of the Ideal Women, 27
Pope, the, IX Princess Diana, having a wedding as nice as, 46
“Pumpkin Surprise,” 47
Roni, Zoo-, 74
Sea Cucumber Island Resort, 56-57
Secretion, Compound Annualized Rate of, 62
Service, Internal Revenue, 26
Seuss, Dr., 74
Sin, living in, 13-14
Somebody, Archduke, 66
Squid, having sex with, X Staff, joint Chiefs of, 27
Strategic Defense Initiative, 71
Strychnine, IX Summer Bosom Camp, 24
Taylor, Elizabeth, 36
Trumpets, having sex with, 85, 87
Tupperware, hurling, 14
Tupperware, role in sex act, 27
Urchins, sea, 7
Whip, Cool, 20
Whitman, “Slim,” 82
Wipes, Handi-, 45
World Series, IX
Ziggy, 62
Zippos, 3
FB2 document info
Document ID: 195d6dcc-e183-4b8e-a53f-88ef4308c133
Document version: 1
Document creation date: 2004-10-20
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