by Elin Peer
Heads were bobbing when I held up my hand and spoke loud and clearly. “It’s better to be kind than sweet.”
Many exchanged confused looks so I explained. “Setting your boundaries in a firm but kind way is much better than giving a sweet yes that isn’t heartfelt and will result in resentment on your part. You see, sweet people often end up bitter because they feel taken advantage of.”
“Yes, that’s how it feels with her,” the woman agreed.
I spread out my hands. “No one can take advantage of you, unless you allow it. The truth is that your colleague probably has no idea you feel that way. Most likely she would describe you as a sweet and helpful colleague and be saddened if she knew that you felt taken advantage of.”
The woman drew in a sigh and looked down. “It’s possible.”
“Or…” I held up a finger and raised my eyebrows. “She literally doesn’t care and takes advantage of your helpfulness,” I said although I doubted it to be true. “But either way you’re the only one who can change the situation by setting your boundaries in a kind and firm way. Make it easy for her and other people to navigate around you by only saying yes when you mean yes, and no when you mean no.”
Scratching her arm, Susie looked uncomfortable. “I don’t want to be rude.”
I smiled. “I’m not asking you to be rude. You can say no and still be polite about it. People do it all the time. And look, what’s the alternative? You building resentment against her and complaining about her to others? Sweetness looks appealing on the outside, but it has a tendency to grow bitter with time, and sometimes even rot at its core. Practice kindness instead.”
She nodded again. I gave her a look of sympathy, before I addressed the audience “You may not have the exact same situation in your life, but I’m sure you have met a person that for some reason seems to annoy you more than others. As you know, we can’t change others, which is why it’s much easier to look at your own behavior. Are you allowing that person to overstep your boundaries? If yes, take responsibility and change it. If boundaries aren’t the problem, it’s time to look at why that person annoys you so much. It’s easy to blame the other person. But often our annoyance is triggered because of their being like a mirror to us.” I paused and looked around, making sure people were following. “We see something in them that we don’t like in ourselves, and it’s an annoying reminder that we’re imperfect.”
Some audience members chuckled a bit and nodded.
“Or the other person possesses character traits that we wish we had ourselves.” I looked at the woman. “Which I think plays a role in your case.”
“Oh?” She lifted her eyebrows.
“Your colleague makes something look easy, when that something is hard for you.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Susie said. “I’m the one helping her with her job because she finds it hard.”
I tilted my head. “I know, but it’s the part about asking for help that’s easy for her. You said she does it daily.”
“Yes, several times a day.”
“You could never do that, could you? Asking for help is hard for you.”
“Yes, I’m really bad at asking for help.”
“I know, or you would have raised your hand when I asked if anyone needed help with a conflict.”
She laughed a little. “Good point.”
“Do you see how that only emphasizes why it’s so annoying that your colleague makes it look easy.”
The woman bit her lip and looked thoughtful.
“As I see it,” I said, “it’s not her fault that you say yes when you mean no, and it’s not her fault that she’s good at asking for help while you’re not.”
Susie tilted her head. “I guess not.”
“It’s a big step that you agree.” I smiled. “I predict, however, that you still won’t like her much when you go to work the next time. So let’s look at a third factor.”
Susie nodded.
“Great teachers have taught us that at the root of every conflict there is assumption. You already agreed that in your case your colleague may not even know that she is overstepping your boundaries and taking too much of your time. You were assuming that it should be as obvious to her as it is to you, and therefore your conclusion was that she was taking advantage of you.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
Taking a step forward and angling my head, I asked, “What do you think would happen, if you took on a different assumption? What if you assumed that she is doing her best?”
Susie looked thoughtful but didn’t speak.
“If you took on that assumption, then you would have to believe that this is nothing personal, and your colleague isn’t trying to take advantage of you.”
“All right,” she said and nodded. “But then what do I say when she comes to ask me for help the next time?”
“You say ‘yes,’ if you have the time, and you say ‘sorry but I can’t help you right now,’ if you don’t have the time. It’s hard at first, but will get easier when you practice it.”
A teenage girl raised her hand in the audience, and I pointed to her. “Do you have a question, dear?”
“I just want to add that the colleague we’re talking about may not be good at her job yet, but she’s an expert at asking for help, so paying attention to how she does it will be a good chance for you to study an expert.” She blushed a little from having all the people looking at her. “I mean, just in case you want to get better at it yourself,” she added and looked down.
“What a great point,” I praised the girl and turned back to Susie.
“Thank you,” she said and bowed her head to me. “This has certainly given me something to think about.”
I gave her another warm smile. “You’re welcome, my dear.”
We continued the class, talking more about conflicts and how we could best resolve them. It was a wonderful way for me to distract myself, but once the class was over and I put down my VR device, nothing had changed.
My house was still as empty as it had been since Finn left, and new waves of grief knocked me over. I had no experience with a broken heart, except on a theoretical level, and I had already followed all the advice I would’ve given to someone else.
When Karina called to say that Finn was on the news, I hesitated before turning it on. Just seeing him had my pulse going through the roof; I had to do some breathing exercises to calm my heart.
He, and the four other representatives from the Northlands stood with their mediators, some of the Councilwomen, and a small delegation from the Northlands consisting of their ruler Khan Aurelius, his wife Pearl Pilotti, and Magni.
“It’s the ceremonial ending to their visit,” Karina said. “Can you believe how many people have gathered by the border to watch it?”
She was right, there was a large crowd in front of the podium and a lot of camera crews as well.
“I’ll bet some of the women are hoping the men will take them home with them,” Karina said. “Yesterday on the news, they were talking about sending a group of representatives from the Motherlands into the Northlands, and many have already volunteered.”
“There’s always going to be people who are unhappy with their lives and hoping to find happiness in the next place,” I commented with a sigh just as the camera caught a woman in front of the podium, flashing a sign with the words I would marry an Nman.
“Those women are crazy.” Karina chuckled. “They make us look bad.”
“Do you think the Council will allow them to go?” I asked.
“No, there’s no way. And how could they? It’s like those women have lost their sanity; surely the Council will have to protect them from themselves.”
“But what if they could be happy with an Nman? I’ve met Christina, and she didn’t seem like a desperate or crazy type of woman.”
“Maybe not, but look at those women on the screen. The press has named them the Romantics.”
“Ouch, that’s kind of har
sh, isn’t it?”
“Yes, but you know that sometimes the press can be mean.”
“But Romantics – yikes, that’s offensive. They might as well call them naïve fools.”
While talking to Karina on the phone, and watching the ceremony on the news, I brewed myself a cup of tea.
“I hope that if they do send a group to the Northlands, we get to follow them on the news. I’m curious to see what it’s like there, and Tristan won’t stop talking about it,” Karina said and sighed. “Randa Christine is blaming me for letting her son meet Finn in the first place. I wouldn’t have allowed it if I’d known that Finn would plant obscene ideas in the boy’s head. Tristan is now convinced that he’s really the son of an Nman, and yesterday he raised his voice when Randa Christine refused to let him move to the Northlands. As if that’s just something you do.”
“I’m sorry about that,” I said. “I blame Magni, though. He is the one who invited Tristan to the Northlands.”
“Magni – wasn’t he the one who kidnapped you?”
“Yes, look to Pearl’s right, Magni is the tall blond man with a tattoo up his neck.”
Karina gave a small shriek. “Oh Mother Nature, no wonder you were scared. That man is huge, and look at the way he scowls.”
I watched him for a second and she was right. Magni was shifting his balance from foot to foot with impatience, his eyebrows pulled close together, and his eyes scanning the area in front of him.
“Finn says that Magni is a warrior,” I said. “I’m not sure what that means in detail, but maybe it’s made him a bit paranoid. He looks like he’s expecting someone to attack them at any point.” The moment the words left me, clarity struck. “Wait, no, I take that back.”
“Take what back?” Karina asked.
“Magni isn’t afraid someone’s going to attack them, he’s looking for someone.”
“Who?”
“His wife Laura, of course; she lives on this side of the border and I’ll bet he’s hoping that she’ll be in the audience.”
CHAPTER 26
Disaster
Finn
Hans and I had flown for hours to get to the border in time for the closing ceremony. I was nervous because I didn’t know if Laura would show or not.
To my surprise, our farewell ceremony was given with a lot more pomp than our greeting had been. Hundreds of people had gathered by the border, and it was an odd mix of media people, spectators, and officials from both the Motherlands and the Northlands.
Bruce Lee and his pretty mediator, Antoinette, looked intimate as they stood to the side whispering together. His forehead was leaning against her hair, and her hands were snaked around his waist.
Images of Athena showed up in my mind, and my feet grew heavy as I walked closer to the border wall that would effectively separate me from her.
Hans walked next to me and when he greeted Bruce Lee and Antoinette, she lowered her face with embarrassment and pulled back.
“Hey, why didn’t you leave them alone?” I grumped. “Couldn’t you see they were busy?”
Hans turned his head and apologized to the couple. “I didn’t mean to interrupt,” he called out, but then he spotted Isobel and waved at her with eagerness before he jogged off to say hi.
Khan and Magni waited for me next to their large drones, which stood parked right in front of the crossing to the Northlands.
“Good to see you again. We’ve got a large cold beer with your name on it back at the Gray Mansion.” They chuckled and both gave me bear hugs, as if I’d been gone for a month.
“Where is Laura?” Magni asked eagerly. “Did she come with you?”
“No, I haven’t seen her yet.” The three of us scouted around the area.
“I don’t see her,” Magni said with disappointment, and rose up on his toes, which seemed excessive for a man who was already close to seven feet. “Do you?”
“No, but she’ll be here,” Khan said and smacked Magni’s shoulder. “Stay positive, man!”
“Why don’t I go and see if I can charm something out of Isobel?” I suggested and went in the direction where I’d last seen the chairwoman of the Council.
As expected, she was in a conversation with Hans, and the first sentences that I picked up on made me curious enough to eavesdrop without them seeing me.
Isobel had her hair in a tight bun and stood wearing a long shawl in warm red colors. Her voice was soft and kind, like always. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you kept Finn under control, Hans. Pearl kept telling me he would do fine, but to be honest he was the one I was most worried about.” Isobel lowered her voice. “Honestly, Finn’s first visit was a bit of a disaster and I was worried he would only return to chase women.”
Hans squared his shoulders. “Your intuition was right, because chasing women was Finn’s intention when he arrived. He admitted it to me without shame.”
Isobel nodded. “Yes, but I have to say that he has been exemplary. How in the world did you talk sense into him? Or was it Athena?”
Hans was only a bit taller than Isobel, and with a look of self-importance he brushed invisible crumbs off his yellow jacket before he said, “Now, Athena may have helped a little, but I would say that mostly it was me. You see, I really managed to get through to Finn and offer him that spiritual connection he’s been missing in his life. It was like all he really needed was a solid male friend to talk to about his problems.”
“Aww.” Isobel’s face softened and she reached out and placed her hand on Hans’ elbow. “That’s so beautiful. What a generous gift to give Finn. Well done,” Isabel praised Hans, who had been laying it on thick.
“I know. Finn even told me that he was grateful, because he can’t share his feelings with his friends in the Northlands. They simply don’t have that level of maturity or empathy.” Hans shook his head with a sad expression. “It’s no wonder he was seeking validation through sexual encounters the first time he was here.”
“Hans, you are a precious man.” Isobel sighed and rubbed his arm. “I always liked Finn. He’s like a sweet child with his infantile humor and infectious charm. I’m only sorry that he’ll be missing your friendship when he goes back. It will be a great loss to him, I’m sure.”
“I’ll miss him too,” Hans said with drooping lips. “We’ve grown so close, you see.”
“Yes.” Isobel pulled back her hand from his arm, and placed both her hands on her heart. “I understand your pain. I miss my daughter every day too. But, now that Finn knows how wonderful it is here in the Motherlands, it’s my hope that he’ll serve as a great advocate for us in the Northlands.”
“Your words are wise, dear Isobel.” Hans bowed his head to her. “I’m at your service should you need a skilled mediator for other important tasks.”
“I appreciate it.” Isobel gave him a warm smile. “You have my word that I will make sure you get all the recognition you deserve.”
“You do me a great honor,” Hans called after her when she walked away.
“Hey, Hansi,” I said and stepped forward as soon as Isobel was out of earshot.
Hans jerked back when he saw me. A forlorn expression crossed his face when he realized that I must have overheard his conversation with Isobel.
“Please don’t be mad at me,” he held up both palms as a peace sign.
A smile grew on my face. “Hansi, my closest friend in the world. I’m so happy to hear how much you’ll miss me.”
Hans looked down, while I continued.
“It’s sweet of you to worry about me going back to all my immature friends,” I said and stepped closer. “I suppose I’ll just have to numb my grief with beer, while wishing we Nmen had your level of empathy. I mean, if we did, maybe we would understand why a man would let himself be oppressed by women the way you do.”
Hans’ eyes were darting around. “In case you haven’t noticed, women have all the power in our country. It’s not like I have many options.” He sounded defensive, and it made me
smack him on the shoulder, with a small chuckle.
“Relax – I already told you that I don’t blame you for being opportunistic. Women have been running the Motherlands for way too long.”
Hans looked over his shoulder, before he leaned in and whispered, “Some of us Motlander men agree with you on that part.”
“I knew it!” I smacked his shoulder again. “The world needs men with ambition.”
Hans lit up. “It does?”
“You know what, as long as you don’t ask me to trust you, I’m on your side.”
“Sometimes you have to lie a little, otherwise we wouldn’t have found Laura,” he pointed out.
“That’s right.” I looked up, searching for her one more time. “Now we just need Laura to show up.”
A loud whistle made me look back to see Khan waving his hand for me to come. He was pointing to the podium where the other representatives and officials were beginning to gather.
“Looks like it’s show time,” I said to Hans, and kept scouting for Laura as we walked back to the others.
It would’ve been easier to spot her if the large group of spectators and media people hadn’t been there. Now I was forced to take my place on the stage, and stand still while Isobel and Khan made their official speeches.
“Do you see her?” I whispered to Magni.
He shook his head in answer. His whole body tensed up and his brows lowered in a deep scowl.
First there was Isobel’s speech followed by a sequence of highlights from our visit. I rather enjoyed seeing what some of my countrymen had been up to. It looked as if my program had been the most boring of them all, but at least no one had made me sing with a choir, dance ballet at a public performance, or made me ride one of those bicycles. Richard cringed when the large screen showed a bit of his humiliating ballet performance.
After that, Khan took the stage and spoke of great things to come, promising that if it were up to him every woman who wanted to come to the Northlands would be welcomed with open arms.