"What did I say that upset you? Don't fucking shut me out like this. I don't like it."
"You didn't say anything that you didn't feel, Saxton. I'm fine. I just want to go and have fun. Can we do that? You said yourself you have a lot of stuff with your feelings to figure out, well, so do I. Can we just drop what happened at the course and go back to before? It will make things a lot easier for me."
"No," he responds. "But we can prolong that discussion if you want. Regardless, it's going to happen. Things have been said. I can't just ignore them. Whatever I said that upset you, I'm sorry. I can almost guarantee it wasn't meant how you took it, but a lack of communication won't fix it. Maybe I was thinking out loud when I should have been thinking to myself. Cut me some slack, Kambry. I'm probably more fucked up over my feelings for you than you are."
"You don't get it!" My hand clenches in my blonde hair. "Fuck, Saxton. I get that a girl screwed you over. I get that I don't know how that feels. I get that you're wigging out because this was all supposed to just be fun, and then you go back to fucking whoever is assigned to you; while I go back to being the runaway from Alabama that had a fling with a porn star, and then went back to being a nobody - the server in a club with no plans or aspirations to be something better."
A tear falls from my eye, but I quickly force it away. "But what you don't get...is that I'm just an ordinary girl, standing here with the realization that I've fallen in love with a normal guy for the first time. Like you, I hopped on the train too, speeding along the tracks to an unknown destination, but when two people usually admit that they're falling for each other, the results are exciting and happy. At least that's what I always imagined. You don't want this and you didn't bargain for it. I get it. Neither did I. But here we are. I can't change the fact that I love you. I accidentally fell for you along the way. If I could turn it off I would. I can't reverse time so that you were never hurt. Believe me, I would if I could. You are an amazing guy. I'd bet everything I have that there aren't a big percentage of guys like you left. You deserve happiness. If it were up to me, you'd be living with her in a cookie-cutter house with a white picket fence and babies running around in the yard, because I really want that for you. I really don't understand what was wrong with her, because I'm going to say that I'm probably not the only person that would feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have been in her shoes given the chance. I just need time in my head and we can go back to the basics. It's about the sex. We still have about three weeks left; so let's give them what they're paying us for. I'll be ready in an hour..."
I ignore the fact that he's standing there, speechless, and staring at me with his hands in the pockets of his shorts, and run up the stairs as fast as my legs will allow. I can feel the burn in my thighs and calves, but I don't stop until I'm in the safe confinements of my room. I grab my phone to call Meredith. When it starts to ring I place the phone to my ear.
The call connects and giggles sound in the background. "Mer. Are you there?"
"Kambry? What's wrong? I swear on everything I'm going to beat his ass. What did he do?"
"What is it?" A male whisper sounds in the background, but he must be close to the phone, because I can hear everything he's saying.
"Shhh," she says. "Kambry, what happened?"
"It's not anything like that. I just need a night out. Do you feel like going to a Neon Glow paint party at the club? I can get you a band to drink."
"Hell yeah. You know you don't have to ask me if you want to hang with your BFF. I'm always here, no questions asked. One sec." A muffling sound occurs, before she starts to talk, but I can barely hear her, like she pulled away from the phone. "We're going to a paint party at the club. Go get in the shower. I'll be there in a few, K?" She pauses. "Grab the door, will ya?"
The faint sound of a closing door occurs, before her breathing returns in the phone. "Tell me what's up, sweets. Why do you sound like you're upset? I promise it's between me and you."
Another tear sneaks from my tear duct and streams down my face. "I love him, Meredith, and I admitted it out loud, but it was kind of in an argument...sort of. I feel stupid. I just need to forget."
"Shit, babe. This soon? Are you sure?"
"Almost positive."
"When the end occurs, what is your first thought?"
"Tragedy, heartbreak, jealousy, sadness..."
"Damn. Okay. Does he feel the same?"
"Yes...no...I don't know. He said he did, but then he said he didn't know how to feel about it, or if it was worth it. He doesn't have a good track record with serious relationships, so he doesn't really like them. I kind of shut down emotionally, because I didn't really know what else to do. That's why we were fussing if that's what you want to call it. He wanted to talk about the talk and I didn't. At that point, if the previous conversation about us starting to fall was vague or unsure...it isn't anymore. I pretty much belted out that I love him."
"Geez. Are you one hundred percent sure that you want him, even when this is over? This isn't some fly by night relationship, Kambry. If y'all take this further than that house, he pretty much has to give up everything for you. No relationship would survive with him still having sex with other women, career or not. Have you thought of that?"
"Not really. I don't want him to feel like he has to give up anything. I would never ask that of him."
"That's not the point. There isn't a way around that. Are you sure you want him? Only him for possibly forever? You're only eighteen."
"About to be nineteen."
"Same difference."
"It doesn't matter, Meredith. I'm not going to live my life that way. I'm not going to pretend that I'm too young to actually find the person I want to enjoy spending my life with and then he slip away because I did. If it happens there is nothing you can do about it. I just look at it like, if I find the one that I'm meant to be with at a young age then I have more time to enjoy him. I don't see that outlook ever changing."
"Yeah, it totally sucks when that happens."
"What?"
"Uh...nothing."
"Meredith Rose Love, you better explain what you mean right now! If you don't, I swear on my damn life this friendship is over. I've never been a liar."
"Fuck. Me and my big mouth." She takes a deep breath. "Kambry, I've loved someone before, okay. He was my first everything. Guys - they get squirrely when things happen they aren't expecting. They're fairly predictable creatures if you just watch and pay attention. Each one may look different, but their behavior is pretty much the same. You just have to prove that you are what you say you are and don't give up until he believes you. I didn't do that. I've regretted it ever since."
"Squirrely? Is that even a word?"
"Yes, Urban Dictionary even confirms so."
"You loved Chris Ainsworth?"
She face-palms herself. I'm assuming that's what she did by the slapping sound that occurred. "The snowball effect begins..."
"You're just confusing me more."
"I didn't lose my virginity to Chris! There, I said it. I can finally live in peace."
I narrow my eyes, forgetting that she can't see me. "Oh do tell. I can't wait to hear this. Backstabbing, secret-keeping hussy."
"I deserve that. I need to go shower. We don't have time to get into this and this is not a phone conversation anyway."
"So help me, Meredith, if you hang up this phone I will tell every embarrassing secret I have on you...especially that one."
"You wouldn't dare. He wouldn't even care anymore."
"Oh, but I would. Are you sure about that? I saw the way he was looking at you on graduation...still, after all this time."
I caught her once, hooking up with someone else when her and Chris were pretty hot and heavy. I don't think they were ever a real couple by title, but he was in love with her and she was good at playing the part. No one else messed with them, because to everyone else they were the couple. One thing Meredith hates is to look like the crappy one in a fight or c
ircumstance, even if she should. I never found out who the guy was. I just overheard them in the locker room when I was looking for Ben after a game. He was after curfew and his phone was going to voicemail. My parents being the psychos they were had to go looking. His truck was there, along with a few others. My guess, him and his friends rode together somewhere and lost track of time, because he wasn't there. Mom didn't want to get out of the car, so she sent me.
"It was Ben! Please don't hate me. Please don't say anything. He would be so mad at me. I swore I would never tell."
"Ben? Ben who?"
"Oh my god, Kambry. Let your mind think naughty for five seconds. Think the worst in someone every once in a while. You'd be surprised at how much your eyes would open."
"You fucked my brother! And didn't say anything! I thought he lost his virginity to Molly McCall!"
"It's all lies. Please don't hate me. It was just a cover up. Kambry, no one fucking knows. No one! I'm begging you to please keep this a secret. If you're mad at me, then I deserve it, but I swore on my life I would never let that secret slip. Please. To Chris, I was a virgin. To Molly, Ben was a virgin. I'm begging you to take this to your grave. I was only fourteen. He was seventeen. Please don't fuck up his reputation."
I stand still. Everything around me is spinning. My ears are ringing. Nothing makes sense. I didn't even think Ben liked Meredith. He always made shitty comments about her, saying she's just a girl with looks, living with stars in her eyes. He made it sound like she'd never amount to anything. Furthermore, I've never seen Meredith flirt with Ben. She used to stay at the house all the time when we were younger. They barely even spoke when around each other. Plus, he is older. He didn't hang out with us. When would he have even been around just her for that to happen?
"Kambry, shout at me...something. I need to hear you say you hate me, call me a slut, anything is better than silence." She pauses. "Not now, Bryant. I'm dealing with a female emergency. It's gory and gross and you don't want to know. Just like ten more minutes."
I shake my head, listening to her whisper shout at him. The girl is nuts. I'm not sure if I should be more concerned with the fact that she can spin a web of lies faster than a spider could, that she kept an atomic bomb of a secret from me for four years and I never could tell, or that she loves... I swallow. Ben. Meredith slept with Ben. Ben slept with Meredith.
Gross.
What in the hell could she see in Ben? He's been an asshole for...well...four years. "Oh my god."
"I'm ready. Get mad at me. I can take it."
"Where did this happen?"
"Which time?"
"Which time?!?"
"Uh, oh...you mean the first? Upstairs on the couch in the game room. It was that night you got sick from that pizza and went to bed early after you threw up for like twenty minutes. I was bored and I went up there to watch a movie so I wouldn't wake you. Well, when Ben came home he must have had the same idea. I offered to give him the room, but he told me to stay. It was fun. We talked and goofed off...and then he kissed me. He was so hot. I couldn't believe he was still a virgin. It just happened. When we were redressing post hormones, we realized exactly what we did, so we vowed to just pretend it didn't happen...as well as the other four or so times it happened until he graduated...like that night in the locker room."
"That was Ben! Why aren't y'all together if this was some big secret affair? Do you know what kind of person I had to live with until he went to college? He was in a permanent bad mood. I actually thought he was on steroids once."
"Because, Kambry, you know how your parents are...and Ben. He's expected to make something of himself, and he's expected to date a respectable girl that doesn't back talk or have her own ideals. Little miss preacher's daughter was exactly what your parents wanted him with, even though she was no better than me. They had sex just like we did. You know your parents never really liked me."
"But you said you loved him... They can fuck off."
"Kambry, sometimes falling for the guy doesn't keep him around. Sometimes you experience the best too young, before he's ready to be serious. I once heard some men settle down like hailing a cab. He may not be ready for a while, but when he is the one that shows up ends up being the one he takes. He didn't want me that way. He made it perfectly clear. I didn't question him either, so I moved on and I'll forever hold that regret in my heart. I haven't spoken to or seen him since he left for college."
"I definitely need alcohol tonight."
"Word of advice...from girl to girl with no bullshit jokes. Love him like you're going to lose him. That way, you'll love harder and with no restrictions. When you reach the end, if he lets you go then it really wasn't meant to be to begin with. It takes two people to love, boo. If he leaves you, you'll still be left with an unforgettable memory and more experience for the next one. At some point, you'll find one that can't walk away."
"So you're saying embrace it?"
"Absolutely. Never ever change who you are or hide how you feel. Just be you...like me. You can't hide this kind of crazy, so get up and make yourself hot. You remember the tips and tricks I taught you, right?"
"I think so."
"You still have that neon green underwear set?"
"Yeah."
"Wear that...and... Let me think." I walk to the dresser, as she's remaining silent, looking through my underwear for the one she's talking about. I find it almost immediately, tossing it on the bed. "Oh, I got it. Can you find the neon green, low neck shirt that looks like lace?"
I walk to the closet. "Yeah, it's here."
"Get that. Put it with the white, denim, cut-off skirt and the neon pink bandeau. Wear comfortable shoes. Heels serve no purpose with paint flying everywhere."
"Skirt? Are you sure? The flyer looked like tee shirts, tanks, and cotton shorts."
"Yep, you'll thank me later. I'll bring the rest. Make sure you cab it. We'll be too fucked up to drive. See you in about an hour and a half. Love you, chick."
"Okay. Love you too."
I toss down the phone and run for the shower. My mood is already improving. I have a feeling this night is going to go down in the memory book...
I stand under the water with my hands firmly against the wall, letting it rain on my head, running down my face in a steady curtain. I was done showering fifteen minutes ago, yet here I stand, still sulking over my own bullshit.
I feel like hitting something, but I refrain. Instead, I tap my fist against it, making a light thumping sound. The constant rhythm calms me. I'm going to fuck this up somehow. I know it. I already am. Sometimes I want to kill her: Salem. She ruined my life. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad had I left at the first sign of bullshit instead of staying, giving her chance after chance to change.
You could hang me off a cliff and I'd be fine, steadily searching for a way to survive, climbing it one groove at a time, yet throw a woman in front of me that my heart is wanting so desperately to love and I freak the fuck out, paranoid I'll be that guy again; the one keeping my dick zipped up while my girl is out giving away what's mine, spreading her legs for every-fucking-body. Sex with her was cut back after that. I just didn’t want it as much.
She said she loved me...standing right there on the stairs. Do I believe her? God, I want to. I've always believed a person's true feelings come out when they're upset, because you don't have time to think or lie. Watching her cry and yell her anger was killing me. Every organ I had inside was constricted. All I could do was stand there and listen. There was nothing I could do or say at that point to fix upsetting her. The knife in my heart, though, was her wishing she could change my past, giving me a forever in love with someone else. The fuck? Who genuinely feels that way? What I wanted to say...was that I wanted that with her. There isn't a single part of me that wants Salem back or wished things had turned out differently, because things always happen exactly like they're supposed to, no matter how much it hurt at the time.
My head is so fucked up. I wouldn't even begin to know how to g
ive her a normal life. What the hell would I even do? Go back to school at twenty-five? Sure, I have the money for it, but do I even want to go back? I'm not a teenager anymore. I sure as hell wouldn't want my girl working in a bar while I'm spending my days finishing up junior and senior year. LA is competitive though. I have no shot at bringing in the kind of income to support a family with my taste without it.
I growl out. I'm never going to make myself see reason...
I'm whining like a little bitch. I don't deserve to carry around the set of balls that's swinging between my legs. You know what... Fuck it. Fuck it all. I've never been a fucking pussy and I'm not going to start being one now. I want her. Just about the sex, my ass. Three weeks isn't good enough. That's not enough time to learn everything there is about a person. There is no way I can figure out the path for my future in that short amount of time.
I refuse to let her shut me out. If the studio wants a couple in love with explosive sex, then that's what they're going to get. The only way to get over your fears is to fucking face them head on.
I shut off the water and shake my head, ridding of any excess. Stepping out, I grab the towel from the bar and wrap it around my waist as I wipe my feet on the rug, before taking off for her room without even drying off. When I enter, she looks up at me through the mirror with a straightening iron in her hand.
I halt, taking her in, but I seem to be having trouble figuring out simple motor skills...like speaking. Her top is see through, bright green and accentuating her skin, showing off a pink-banded bra of some sort. Barely any material is left once her ass is covered in that skirt.
She places the straightener down on the dresser and turns around, propping her hands against it. "You're wet."
"You're hot," I say honestly. "And isn't that a phrase I should be saying to you?"
A grin starts to appear, but then she destroys it. "What do you want?"
The cold demeanor sends a tingle down my spine. I don't like it. "To see you. I don't like the way you left things downstairs."
"I'm fine. You can go get ready now. I need to finish my hair and makeup."
Sex Sessions: Uncut (Camera Tales #1) Page 35