by Niquel
I grabbed the biggest bucket I could find from under the sink and tossed it in the tub with some cleaner in it. I turned the faucet on and let the water run while I grabbed some old ratty towels from the closet.
I ran back to the car as fast as I could and Mickey puked again. “Mrs. D, how about you and Mickey head into my bathroom and I’ll clean up the mess.
“That’s very kind of you, Johnny. I’m not going to be able to lift her inside though, plus I’m very particular when it comes to cleaning my van. You can keep watch for me, okay? I trust you.”
I placed Mickey’s arm around my neck and wrapped my arm around her limp body. She didn’t say anything, just kept opening and shutting her eyes. I felt so bad for her. Stupid chemo, hurting the girl I—my friend, it’s hurting my friend.
I managed to get her into the house and laid her on the couch for a minute. I grabbed a few bottles of water from the kitchen and then came back to finish our trip to the bathroom. “Mickey can you kneel at all?”
She moved her head back and forth and kneeled in front of the toilet. I placed her arms around the bowl and tried to hold her head back. “Here, drink this water.” I placed the opened bottle to her lips and she took a few slow sips. Before I could get her to drink any more she started puking again. I. Hate. You. Chemo!
“Johnny, I’m all set cleaning out the van!”
“We’re still in the bathroom, Mrs. Dawson! Walk straight down the hall.”
Mickey finally stopped puking and collapsed on my shoulder. My heart raced at the thought of her mom catching us like that, so I tried to help her up as fast as I could.
“Aww my poor girl. Can you help me get her back to the car?”
“Are you sure? I mean I’m sure Mom wouldn’t mind if you two stayed here for a while, ya know, to make sure she’s okay.”
“That’s very kind of you, Johnny. I’d hate to inconvenience you and your mom. If you could help me get her into the van, her dad will be able to help me once we get back home.”
“Okay.”
After I helped Mickey back into the car, I felt like someone punched me in the gut. She looked so sick and I knew she hated me seeing her like that, even if she didn’t remember it.
“Thanks again for the ride Mrs. D. Hey Mickey,” I whispered in her ear. “I got to go now, get some rest.” She didn’t budge so I gently lifted her arm, clicked her seat belt across her lap, and shut the door.
As I walked up the steps, I tripped over the loose board and caught myself on the door before I fell. I reached into my pocket for my keys, forgetting the door was already unlocked, and something fell out onto the porch. It was Mickey’s note. Crap! I can’t lose this! Ugh, I need to burn these sneakers.
I went inside and plopped down on the couch, finding a note from mom on the coffee table.
JJ,
I’ll be home around nine tonight. I’m hanging out with some friends from work. There’s a pizza in the fridge waiting for you. You can tell me all about the appointment when I get back.
Love you,
Mom
I wasn’t very hungry so I went into the kitchen for a drink, then sat on the couch and opened Mickey’s letter. After everything that had happened, it would be nice to see what she’d had to say before she got sick. I hope I didn’t freak her out or anything.
Dear Johnny,
You made me cry, dangit! I’d be lying if I said you didn’t. I’ve never really felt like I was “strong” or “inspiring” before, but it made me smile coming from you.
Going through all of this cancer stuff with my parents made me feel like I was all alone. I mean yeah, they were around, but I didn’t feel like they were really there, you get what I mean? They could never truly understand what I’m going through. But now that I have you by my side, I feel like I can seriously kick this cancer’s butt!
I hope we stay friends forever!
Good-bye with love,
Mickey
P.S. I kind of like our dash! Your secret is safe with me ;)
P.P.S. Thank you—for everything!
I couldn’t remember a thing from the night before. After Johnny helped me into Mom’s van, everything became a blur. My head was pounding and my stomach was in knots. What the heck happened?
“Mom? Dad?” I yelled out, hoping they could tell me what had happened.
The door slowly creaked open and Mom stuck her head in. “How you feeling, sweetheart?”
“Queasy, and my head hurts pretty bad.”
“I’m sorry honey. Is there anything you need me to do for you?”
“I want to know what happened last night. I remember getting in the van with you and Johnny, but that’s it.”
“Well.” She paused. “You got sick all over the van and partly on Johnny.”
“Oh no!”
“You puked half of the night after that too.”
I hadn’t noticed until she walked over to the bed that she looked like crap. I felt so bad that she and my dad had probably been up half the night with me while I was puking my brains out. I also felt bad that I had puked all over Johnny. I never wanted him to see this side of the chemo treatment. Sigh.
“Mom, was Johnny grossed out or anything? I feel terrible that I puked on him.”
“He was okay, Mickey. I actually think he took it better than I did. He was so willing to clean up the van for me, but I made him take you inside to the bathroom. You know how I am about cleaning. You were pretty out of it when I came back in to find you guys, but he was still there by your side.”
“I should call him to say thanks.”
“Yeah, that would be nice, but you might want to wait until a little later.”
“Why?”
“It’s six in the morning honey.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll go grab you some lemon and ginger water to settle your stomach. Then I want you to try and get some more rest okay? You still don’t look so good.”
“Okay, Mom.”
I woke up later that day still feeling sick to my stomach, but I couldn’t lie in bed any longer. I slid the sheets back and walked over to the window. Pulling back the shades, it looked like I had about an hour or two of daylight left.
I tossed on my sweat suit, grabbed my hat, and opened the door, peeking down the hall to see if my parents were around. The coast is clear.
I tiptoed down the stairs and grabbed my keychain off the hook beside the front door. I slipped my sneakers on and quietly opened the door, peeking up the stairs once more to make sure I wouldn’t get busted by my parents. I shut and locked the door behind me, then ran down the stairs and through the gate.
There was an old mill a few blocks away from my house that had a few trails I used to walk with my dad. My favorite spot was by an old tree that was right by the water. I needed to get there as fast as I could. It always made me feel better and I planned on bringing Johnny with me sometime.
The sun was starting to disappear behind a bunch of dark moving clouds as I got closer to my tree. I grabbed a large branch to help me climb in between the tree trunk and let my legs dangle over. The water was moving in different patterns down the stream. The further I looked into the water, the more it changed. The middle was full of zigzag patterns crashing into each other, and then rippling back toward me. I looked down at my reflection as a small streak of sunlight shined in the water. I don’t know what this means, but I feel good about it.
I felt like I was looking at a new and improved version of me, not the sick girl with cancer. Maybe the light was a glimmer of hope that everything in my life wouldn’t go to crap after all.
A cool breeze from the water hit me and I started shivering. That was the only thing I hated about the fall: the unpredictable weather. The leaves were blowing around on the path behind me as a man with his dog came jogging by. The dog stopped when he saw me and I smiled down at him. He was a cute tan golden retriever. The owner tugged on his leash but he stayed by the tree a little bit longer, looking up at me and wagg
ing his tail before they continued on their path. I watched them until they disappeared behind the bushes.
I was interrupted by a buzz in my pocket and I knew I was in trouble.
Johnny: Dude, where r u?
Me: Out, y?
Johnny: I just called ur house to check on u and ur mom said you weren’t there.
Crap.
Me: I’m in my special place. Meet me at my house in 15 mins.
Johnny: I’ll be there.
I hated to leave so soon, but the sun was starting to set and I didn’t want my mom to have a cow.
Surprisingly when I got home, I didn’t get yelled at. I told them the truth and they didn’t punish me.
I made Johnny wait outside because I was expecting the worst, but I was shocked. I figured my parents were too zonked out to yell at me, seeing as how I had kept them both up half the night. Score.
“So how are you feelin,’ Mickey?” Johnny asked as I closed the front door behind me.
“Still feelin’ kind of crappy.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“So I heard I puked on you. Was it really that bad?”
“Nah, you puked on my shoes, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. I was more worried about you than some dumb ol’ sneakers anyway. They can easily be replaced, you can’t.”
“I’m just glad you don’t hate me!” I smiled.
Mickey. Mickey. Mickey. I stayed up half the night worrying about Mickey. I was kind of scared for her. I’d never seen anyone puke as much as she did at one time and I knew that couldn’t have been good on her body. I wanted to call her, but I didn’t want to disturb anyone if they weren’t awake.
Besides, I knew she’d call me when she was up to it. Mom let me stay home from school the next day. I’d passed out on the couch at some point and found a note stuck on my chest when I woke up. She took my sneakers and threw them into a trash bag, and told me I could burn them when I was ready. It was a weird thing between me and my mom that most people wouldn’t understand.
Whenever we wanted to get rid of something for good, we would burn it. A few of my father’s things were burned in the backyard of her friend Janet’s house before we moved.
I was so bored that I went on the back porch to look for my sneakers. They were in a black trash bag with pieces of scrap paper surrounding them. I poured a little lighter fluid in and tossed a match inside, staring into the flames as they destroyed my gray and white sneakers. A small gray cloud rose in the air until I grabbed a bucket of water and put the fire out. I didn’t want the neighbors to question what I was doing because the smell of burning rubber was very strong. After the smoke cleared, I put the lid back on the can and walked down the steps further into the backyard, looking for a rake to clean up the leaves. I had to focus on something until I heard from Mickey.
After a few hours, I decided to call her and see what was going on. I was getting worried that something bad had happened. I called the house and then texted her once her mom said she wasn’t home. She told me she’d gone to some special place and that she wanted me to meet her back at her house in fifteen minutes, so I stopped what I was doing. I couldn’t wait to see her and see if she was feeling better.
My stomach was growling, so I grabbed a sandwich before I went to meet up with her. On the walk to her house, I got very nervous. Even though I’d seen her the night before, I felt like this was our first date or something, which was weird.
When I got to her porch she wasn’t there yet, so I finished my sandwich and placed the napkin in my pocket while I swung back and forth on the porch swing.
I finally spotted her walking through the gate and she looked better, but she still didn’t quite look like her normal self. She apologized for puking on me and I told her it wasn’t a big deal, as long as she was feeling better. She motioned for me to hold on one minute while she went inside.
She quickly returned and smiled at me. When she smiled I swore it could light up a whole room. “So where’d you run off to? I could tell your mom was ticked when I called and she realized you ran away.”
“There’s this place I like to go to escape from it all. I always feel better when I’m there.”
“Where is it?”
“It’s by an old mill. There are a couple of trails my dad and I used to walk during the summer.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yeah, I like to climb up on an old tree and stare out into the water, I feel like it helps to calm me down.”
“Nice, you’ll have to show me sometime.”
“I will. Maybe sometime next week if you’re lucky.”
I couldn’t quit staring at her and I could see it was making her uncomfortable. I knew it was creepy, but I couldn’t stop. She suddenly bent over the rail and started to puke again. I ran over to her and tried to help her up the stairs, but she pushed me off. “Just go home, Johnny.” I didn’t know why that hurt to hear, but it felt like someone stuck a knife in my chest the way she said it.
“Mom! I puked again. This time it was outside. I think I need more medicine!”
Dad ran over to me and helped me over to the couch. I plopped down on the leather and let my head sink back onto it. I was feeling nauseous and dizzy at the same time. Mom cleaned my IV and gave me two different medicines through it. I was so out of it that I didn’t even ask what they were. I just wanted to drift off to sleep.
I awoke several hours later and felt like I’d been run over by a Mack truck. I was in so much pain, I didn’t bother trying to get off the couch. I felt like I was going to be a permanent piece of it, until I felt the sudden urge to pee.
“Mom! It hurts to move and I have to pee—badly!”
“Dean, please go help her into the bathroom, I’m elbow deep in this hamburger meat right now.”
My dad ran in and scooped me off the couch. He gently placed my feet on the floor outside the bathroom and I managed to slide my body through the door. I plopped onto the toilet and sat there, staring at my coconut scented body wash sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I would have given anything to lie in the hot water and let it consume my body. I felt so gross from all the puking I’d done lately and wanted to wash away the pain.
“Dad, can you run the bath water for me? I need a good soaking right now.”
“Sure Champ. Let me know when it’s safe to come in!”
I grabbed a towel from the rack and slid it over my thighs, covering any exposed parts of me. “It’s safe, Dad.”
Dad came through the door, completely avoiding eye contact with me. He bent over the tub and placed the stopper in the drain before he turned the water on. “Can you toss those special soaking salts in there?”
“Sure, anything you want.” He stayed in the bathroom long enough to let the water rise halfway before he turned it off. “If you need anything else, give me a shout!” he said before rushing out the door, still avoiding eye contact with me.
My feet went numb from sitting on the toilet so long. I tried to slide them around to wake them up before attempting to stand up.
I removed the rest of my clothing and grabbed the plastic neck ring from the closet beside the tub to put behind my neck while I soaked. I sat on the edge of the cold tub and swung my feet over, dipping my toes in first to test the water temperature. Perfect.
I slid in and let the warm water sooth my aching body. This is nice.
“Mickey, what would you like for dinner tonight?” Mom yelled from down the hall.
“I’m not really hungry.” Once the words left my lips, I knew she’d come in my room and start lecturing me.
Three.
Two.
One.
“Michelle Rose, I know you may not feel like eating, but you have to eat something. You’ll feel even sicker if you don’t put something in your stomach, even if it’s a piece of toast, all right?”
“All right Mom, I’ll have some toast with strawberry jam and some water.”
“That’s better. I’ll be right back.”
&nbs
p; As I sat on my bed, I started to feel guilty about something. I couldn’t figure it out until I looked over at the giant purple hippo staring at me from across the room. Johnny. I needed to apologize to him for being snappy earlier when all he was trying to do was help me out.
Me: Hey
Johnny: Hey!
Me: I’m sorry for being such a brat earlier.
Johnny: No need for that. I’m just glad 2 hear from u. R u okay?
Me: I guess. Mom’s forcing me 2 eat and I don’t wanna :(
Johnny: Lol . . . Eat so u’ll feel better. Make sure u get some rest. I’m heading to bed in a minute.
Me: I will, I promise. Night and thank u!
Johnny: ;)
Several Months Later
Mickey wasn’t doing well at all and it almost broke me. After her second chemo treatment she had what they called a rest period, then she had to get two more rounds because the cancer spread throughout her body. She’d lost so much weight and her hair started breaking off. I was with her the first night it happened and the look of shock on her face brought out a number of emotions in me. Anger. Why her? This sweet innocent girl! Sadness. She doesn’t deserve this. Guilt. I wish it were me and not her. She couldn’t stop crying and I held her as close as I could.
She didn’t have to shave her head, but she did cut her hair real short. It was cut to her chin and went all the way around her head.
She was hospitalized for over a month and being the person she is, she still wanted to get her school work done. Her mom got her a tutor to visit her in the hospital to make up her work when she was feeling weak. It was a guy and I made sure I was there as often as I could because I didn’t trust him. He was a few years older than us, a high school senior, and looked like a jock.
It sucked so bad to see my best friend like this. I had to do something special for her, something to make her the star of the show just for a day when she got out of this place.