Good-bye, with Love

by Niquel

  “I know, but I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.”

  “You’ll have to wait a little longer. I can’t just forget the four years we’ve been apart.” She broke my hold and my heart sunk.

  I have a lot of work to do.

  There was so much darkness in my heart when Johnny tried to touch me because he came back into my life when I wasn’t ready for him. After four long years, my heart was still his and I was scared he was going to rip it out of my chest again, delivering the final blow that would kill the last ounce of love I had left in my soul.

  Being around him made me overly emotional. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling, from crying, and from wanting.

  “Johnny I have to go. I’m not ready for this. I need more time.”

  “Okay. I can respect that.”

  I got up off the blanket and walked back down the path, fighting the urge to turn around and run back to him, fighting the urge to forgive him even if he didn’t deserve my forgiveness.

  Age: Twenty

  Journal Entry: Why Does This Keep Happening To Me?

  Dear Journal,

  Why does this keep happening to me? Why is it that every single time he leaves I’m completely devastated and unable to fully recover, but the minute he comes back to me it’s like nothing ever happened? It’s like my heart is playing a cruel joke on me and picks back up where things left off.

  He is the only person that could affect me deep down in my core and it scares me. It makes me feel like he is the only person I truly belong to, and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he’d stop breaking my heart.

  If he could see through my eyes, just once, maybe he wouldn’t hurt me again. Maybe he wouldn’t toy with me, and maybe he’d believe that we were soul mates. When Sarah told me that all those years ago, I laughed; I didn’t believe in it then, but I’m convinced now.

  There has to be some fate or strong pull from the universe that’s destined us to be together, and if this was the sign to wake us both up to smell the roses, then I needed more time before I’d accept it.

  Time. I’ll give you time, Johnny, but you’ll have to work for it.

  Michelle

  It had been a few weeks since I last saw Mickey at the mill. She told me she needed time so I tried my damndest to give it to her, but it sucked. Every single day I wanted to go over to her house and beg her to come outside and forgive me, but that wasn’t the right thing to do. I couldn’t force something she wasn’t ready for. It ate me up inside that I’d damaged her to the point where she couldn’t forgive me right away. I knew being distant for four years didn’t help. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I even expected. I was just happy she’d agreed to talk to me again.

  “Hey man,” Landon said as he walked through my front door.

  “Hey.”

  “I brought beer, you like beer right?”

  “I like anything that keeps me from walking over to her house right now.”

  “Damn man, you have it bad.”

  “Of course I do. I always have. She’s all I ever wanted. No one else matters to me, nothing else matters to me unless she’s a part of it. I love her. Even when she was forbidden I loved her. Even when we were apart I loved her.”

  He put the case down on the wooden coffee table, grabbed a beer out of the case, and opened it with the bottle opener on his keychain. “I’ve also got whiskey if you need to forget, bro.”

  “Michelle, do you want to go out tonight?” Jessica asked for what felt like the millionth time.

  “No. I just want to sit here and mope,” I said, tossing the knitted blanket she had on her couch over my legs.

  “I hate to say this girl, but if you know deep down in your heart that you want to be with him, go and be with him. Don’t sit here and mope, wishing and wondering about him. Be with him. I’m sure he’s somewhere feeling just as shitty as you right now, but he’s trying to respect your wishes and I bet it’s damn hard for him.”

  Knowing him, she was right. “So what do I do?”

  “Call him, text him, mail a letter to his house, hell we could go over there right now if you want.”

  “Are you for real? You’d do that for me?”

  “Duh, I’m your best friend. I know you’d do it for me, especially if it was the guy I was meant to be with forever.”

  It was after midnight and Landon and I stuffed ourselves with chicken wings and beer while reminiscing about the good ol’ days and talking about what we wanted to do in the future. He was about to open the whiskey when I heard a faint knock on the front door.

  “Who could that be at this time of night?”

  “I don’t know. Mom’s out for the night and I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

  “I’ll be right behind you, just in case it’s a robber or something.”

  We walked over to the door and my hands started shaking. I took in a deep breath and turned the handle while Landon remained by the window.

  “Mickey? What are you doing here?”

  “Can we come in? It’s chilly out here,” her friend said.

  “Sure.” Mickey smiled at me and our eyes never left one another. Is she here to finally forgive me?

  “I smell wings, are there any left?” her friend asked.

  “No they’re all out, but Dellino’s is open until one so will you come with me to grab some more?” Landon asked.

  He went to retrieve his coat from the rack and they walked down the street, leaving Mickey and me alone. She unzipped her leather coat and hung it up on the rack, then smiled at me, flashing her big beautifully white teeth.

  “So, I’ve been thinking Johnny.”

  “Would you like to have a seat first?”

  “No, I need to say this now before I change my mind. I’ve had a lot to think about these past few weeks.”

  “Okay, I’m all yours. I mean the floor is all yours.”

  “Johnny, I know that things between us tend to be complicated. We both fell in love with each other and have never stopped since we were thirteen years old. You gave me my first real heartbreak and I still haven’t gotten over it. I haven’t gotten over any of them. I just want you to know that if I accept you back in my life, I need to know that this is it. I need to know that there will be no more running, no more leaving, and no more excuses. I need to know that our love for one another is real and no one will ever be able to destroy that.” Her eyes searched mine and I already had the perfect answer.

  “I love you, Mickey, and I promise that with every beat of my heart I will never break yours again.”

  She walked over to me and I put my hands on either side of her face, gently pushing her hair around her ear. She looked at me with eyes full of pain and I was reminded that there was no going back. This was it for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She was mine and I was hers forever.

  Every day that passed Johnny tried to make up for lost time with me. After I forgave him, we decided to take things slow and see where things went. For me, I knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted him. I’d wanted him even when I shouldn’t have. I’d wanted him even when I couldn’t have. I felt like an idiot at first for forgiving him so easily, but it wasn’t in my nature to be cruel, especially to the man I loved. The man I’d always love.

  Every time he was around me I felt a spark between us. Whenever our eyes connected, I felt the love. Whenever he intertwined his fingers with mine, I felt the love. When he said goodbye to me on the phone at night, I felt the love. He totally regained my trust by never trying to take anything a step further than what I’d allow, and focusing solely on proving his love to me. This made me fall harder.

  We’d just left from having dinner together at the old Bistro and it was just like old times, except without our parents bugging us. He was so handsome that night. His hair was styled in a controlled mess on his head and slightly covering his eyes; he’d bought a new black leather jacket and wore new cologne. I’d gotten lost in his ocean blue eyes every single time he’d looked at
me from across the table, and his smile sent chills down my spine.

  I’d tried to be strong, but I craved intimacy with him. I couldn’t fight this feeling inside me any longer. I needed that bond; I needed to become one with him. This wasn’t some random guy I’d just latched on to; this was the man of my dreams and I never wanted to wake up.

  It was a special day because I decided to give him something I’d wanted to give him ever since I was sixteen years old. I wanted to give him all of me.

  I sat down on my bed, nervous for what was to come. I’d waited years for this moment and I was finally ready to give him the chance to really make things up to me. My parents were out of town for the weekend and I invited Johnny over. The sexual tension between us was so thick, no knife could penetrate it. Every touch, every kiss made me feel things I’d never felt before.

  I showered and had on a pair of white boy shirts with a matching cami. I slid my purple fluffy robe over my shoulders and waited for him to let me know he was downstairs.

  I slid the curtains back and impatiently looked out the window into the yard. My hands started shaking as I clutched the silk fabric in my hands. It wasn’t my first time having sex, but it was my first time having sex with someone I knew truly loved me. It was my first time having sex with someone I knew I truly loved. He would be the one to make me feel like a woman.

  I spotted him walking down the street toward my house and my heart started fluttering in my chest. I sucked in a deep breath to calm myself from running out the door and pouncing on him in the middle of the yard.

  I watched as he reached into his leather jacket pocket and pulled his phone out. I smiled as my phone vibrated on my nightstand.

  Johnny: I’m outside.

  Me: I know.

  Johnny: Creep ;)

  I smiled as I tightened the strap hanging from the back of my robe around the front. I walked downstairs and saw him through the window on top of the door. I looked down at myself and rubbed my hands against my sides before I reached the bottom step, then reached for the doorknob.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey.”

  “Come on in. You can head right up to my room.” Goodness Mickey, could you sound any more desperate?

  He looked back at me as he placed his foot on the first step. His left eyebrow raised and his lip was curled to the side in a smirk. I was pretty sure he knew what my intentions were, and I didn’t even care.

  I followed him up into my room and untied the strap from my robe as I shut the door and pressed my back up against it. As I let the robe fall to the floor, his eyes widened and he threw his leather jacket on the chair beside my bed. His eyes traveled the length of my body before he slowly walked toward me. He stretched his arms on either side of my head, pressing his palms against the door. “Are you sure you want this, Mickey? I’ve been waiting for a very long time to make love to you and I want it to mean something. I want it to be special.”

  “Yes. I want you Johnny, I’ve always wanted you.”

  He cupped my chin with his hand and pressed his lips against mine. I melted against his subtle touch. He removed his shirt and I could clearly see every tattoo on his body. Colorful decorations were etched into his skin but I was too distracted to ask him about them. He licked his lips and reached for my hand, leading me to my queen-sized bed. He put his arm around my back and laid me down in the middle of the bed, kissing me on the way down. His jeans hung low and I could see the top of his boxers before he mounted me.

  His eyes searched mine, silently asking me if I was ready. “Take me,” I said, taking small breaths to calm my nerves.

  He ran his hands up my sides and a chill went through my body. He slid my shirt up just underneath my breastbone and placed delicate kisses up my stomach. My skin heated from his touch and I could feel the warmth radiating from in between my thighs. He licked circles around my navel as he gently pushed my shirt over my breasts, massaging them both in his hands. He gently rolled my nipples between his fingers and a moan escaped my lips. This is happening, this is really happening.

  His lips crashed against mine and I wrapped my arms around his back, pulling him chest to chest with me. His skin was so warm and he smelled like the outdoors, exactly like he had when we were younger. He placed tiny kisses on the side of my neck then over the mounds of my breasts, circling my nipples with his tongue before sucking each one into his mouth. He pulled the shirt up and over my head and traveled back down to my core. He ran his hands up my thighs and over my stomach before his fingers gripped the sides of my boy shorts and pulled them down my legs and onto the floor. “You’re just as beautiful as I imagined.”

  I snapped my legs shut because I was so embarrassed by him seeing me like this; I felt so vulnerable. He pried my legs apart and ran his tongue up the inside of my thigh, all the way until he reached my sex. He flicked his tongue against my clit and I let everything go, all the worry, all the pain, and all the stress from the past as he brought me to ecstasy. My legs quivered against his mouth and the sun seemed to be brighter, more vibrant in my room when he was done with me.

  He never demanded anything from me, like other guys. He was truly focused on me and my needs.

  He pulled his pants down as I caught my breath on the bed. He rolled the condom down his thick, full length before he climbed back onto the bed. He rubbed the tip of his cock against my entrance before he pushed himself inside, slow and steady. My body relaxed, stretching to accommodate him. He slid in and out of me until I was wet enough to fully accept him. I rolled my hips against him, wanting to feel every part of him, wanting to be one with him. He started off slow, then picked up the pace, pumping deeper and deeper inside my core. This is what I’ve always wanted, what I’ve missed.

  His blue eyes bore into mine as he smiled at me. “I love you Mickey.”

  “I love you too, Johnny.”

  There was no better feeling than finally making love to the woman you’d been in love with since you were practically a kid. I took my time with her, because I knew she was nervous. Hell, I was nervous. I’d never made love to anyone before, but I was glad she was the one I got to experience it with.

  She was tense at first, but once my lips touched the most sensitive spots of her body, she relaxed. Part of me regretted not trying this sooner, but on the other hand, I was glad I’d waited. All those years of angst, pain, and hurt made this moment worth it all. We gave each other something no one else could: complete love.

  As I lay next to her in her bed, I stared at her as she fell fast asleep in my arms. My nose was buried in her hair and I felt at home. This was everything I’d ever wanted and I would never let it go—ever.

  Age: Twenty

  Journal Entry: The Love Of My Life

  Dear Journal,

  I regret absolutely nothing. It was everything I’d imagined and more. He made me feel like more than just a woman, I felt like a queen. My body has never felt as alive as it did with him. For the first time ever, I feel asleep right after sex and it felt natural. When I woke up, we did it again, and the love was still there. When he made love to me, it felt like our souls were combined as one. We were completely connected inside and out and I am so happy he made it back to me.

  Have you ever wished you could have something so bad, even though you knew it was forbidden?

  Jonathan Gates used to be that—forbidden. He was everything I could ever want in a man: charming, a great listener, open-minded, and funny. It also didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes.

  We’ve been through a lot together and now that he’s back, I can’t wait to see what else we’ll go through, because I’ll never let him leave my side again. This is forever—we are forever.

  Michelle

  Two Years Later

  “Johnny I’m nervous.”

  “Don’t be Mickey. It’s amazing.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yes, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Even more beautiful because it came from you.”

 
Things with Johnny had never been better. He’d enrolled in online school to get his high school diploma so he could train to become an HVAC technician, and I was getting ready to take the biggest step of my life. I’d submitted my painting on love to the Metropolitan Museum downtown a month ago. They receive hundreds of submissions a day and I had just found out mine was in the top five. We were on the train riding into Boston to find out who the winners would be. There were three top prizes. All included cash and a spot in their monthly magazine, but the top spot would have their artwork featured in the museum forever and to me that was more valuable than any amount of money.

  After Johnny and I reunited, it ignited my true passion to paint again. I collaborated with other artists from my school to paint a mural called HOPE on the side of our school, and I submitted my butterfly paintings to online art auctions for charity.

  My love painting was a depiction of everything I’d felt in the last eight years. It was an image of a young girl with her hands covering her face, kneeling on the grass in the rain. Her hair was long and brown like mine and there were dark clouds above her head with broken hearts surrounding them. I painted one ray of sunshine penetrating through the clouds and lighting her heart, proving that there is always light when you feel surrounded by darkness.

  Johnny was my light shining through the darkness and I hoped to have many years with him.