I try the door to the pantries. It’s locked. My mother must not have let anyone else know I was going to visit Leo. I’m not the only rule breaker in the family.
I stand outside the door for several minutes. I still haven’t sorted through how I’m supposed to feel about Leo. But I have to talk to him. I didn’t kill Von Alston, but … I could have. And I think Leo is the only person who can help me work through why.
Having the other Slayers here has made me realize that I still feel separate from them. Different. And I don’t know if it’s my Watcher background, or if somehow the power inside me is wrong. Besides which, Chao-Ahn already seems weirdly suspicious of me. I don’t want to talk to her about all my murdery impulses.
I twist the doorknob until it snaps, then push the door open. The first pantry leads to the next door and the next pantry. This one is filled with cereal, pasta, bread, canned goods, and Imogen.
“Hey, Nina,” she says, holding up a finger. “Okay, sounds good! I think this exchange of goods will benefit everyone. Can’t wait for the chickens.” She hangs up and lowers her cell phone. “Trading some of the excess weapons for a coop.”
“Really? Big market for used swords and the like?”
“LARPers. Anyway, you broke in.”
I don’t know where Imogen falls on the Nina-seeing-Leo sides—with Rhys or my mother. I study the shelves as though I were looking for a snack of … pickled beets. I pick up the jar. It’s dusty, the contents floating in a vaguely menacing manner. “I was hungry?”
“I agreed to guard duty to keep Leo in. Never agreed to keep you out.” She gestures to a set of keys on a shelf next to her chair. “Feel free to not break the next doorknob. Hard to explain to Rhys and Ruth.”
“Thank you.” I take the keys, my fingers betraying me with a slight tremble as I unlock the door.
“I’ve got your back.” Imogen smiles.
I push the door open and slip inside, closing it softly behind myself and resting my forehead against it, trying to calm my breathing. Maybe Leo is asleep. Maybe I can’t talk to him right now. Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow. Maybe—
“Athena?”
I’d rather face a horde of vampires right now. Even broody ones. But I turn around. Leo’s propped up on a cot, and the sight of him is like a blow to the stomach. He looks worse than I remember. His eyes are sunken, the skin around them the color of old bruises. His jawline is sharper than ever, cheekbones sticking out over hollow cheeks. He’s wrapped in a blanket, but even his position screams frailty and illness. Leo was always so assured, so confident. Even the way he moved. He’s so much lessened that my nerves are swallowed up by concern.
I want to lie next to him and stroke his hair until he’s strong again. The impulse is almost overwhelming. But we’re not there yet. Maybe we never were. Maybe we never will be again.
“Hey.” I cross the tiny room in two steps and sit on the chair next to his cot instead of crawling on and holding him. “You look awful.”
“You look lovely.”
I laugh. It comes out sharp and braying because of my nerves. “Sure. So. Last time I saw you in person, you were unconscious on the floor and about to be crushed by the remora demon. Mind filling me in?”
He closes his eyes and smiles. His eyelids look too thin. I remember how soft his lips were; they still look the same.
“When I woke up and saw the remora filling the room, my first thought was how proud of you I was.”
“Really?”
He cracks one dark eye open. “Well. No. My first thought was Oh god, I’m going to die. But my second thought was how proud I was of how clever and strong you are. You stopped her with nothing but yourself. No powers. No mystical Slayer abilities. Just you. And then my third thought was a refrain of Oh god, oh god, I’m going to die.”
I try not to laugh, and instead put on my sternest face. “But you didn’t.”
“No. There was a door along the back wall. I made it in time.”
“Why didn’t you come out and find us?”
He sighs, sinking deeper into his pillow. “I never should have come to the castle in the first place. I put you all in danger. I knew what my mother was, who she was. But … she was still my mum, you know?”
Instead of my own mother, I think of Artemis in that truck. I could have stopped them. I didn’t. I was so distracted by the fact it was Artemis doing the bad thing that I didn’t do everything I could to stop it. “Yeah. I know.”
“When she promised that she wasn’t going to hurt any of you, I let myself believe her. Both because I hoped she was something other than a monster, and because I wanted to come back. To be part of the Watchers again. I wanted to be with you. With all of you. And I let that selfishness blind me. People died. People got hurt. You got hurt. So I decided I’d never let myself be the reason you get hurt again.”
“Didn’t you think your death would hurt me? I haven’t been the same since! I’ve been—” My fists are clenched so tightly they ache. I’m almost shaking. Somehow instead of feeling sad, I keep diverting to rage.
He shifts, grimacing. “I figured you’d get over it.”
“It took me years to get over you the first time, and you didn’t even die then!” I flinch, biting my lip and wishing I could take that back. A ghost of a smile parts his lips. He lifts a hand like he might take mine. Then he looks down at it—slender fingers rendered near-skeletal—and puts it back on his cot. I almost reach for it, but I don’t.
“Well, I did come back. I had to return what was taken. I owed you that much, at least.”
“And that gave me hope! But then you never came back for real, so I was just confused and alone dealing with …” I run my hands through my hair, then I stand, pacing the tiny space. “First of all, thank you. That was nice of you to return my things. Pretty standard breakup procedure, I guess. Bringing back a box of sweaters. Books. Ancient demonic-based powers.”
“Wouldn’t fit in a cardboard box.”
I snort. “Not so much.” I have to ask him about why the Slayer powers feel different. I have to find out if it’s me, or if he felt it too. Maybe they got broken from too many transfers. Or maybe they were always this, but I hadn’t suffered enough to really feel what they were like. I wish I could talk to Buffy. At least I have Leo now. “But here’s the thing. When you—”
“I’m sorry I kissed you,” he rushes. “I shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve that moment. But I really thought I’d never see you again. And it was the only way I could think of to transfer the power. I’ve never really done it before. Transferred power, I mean. Obviously I’ve kissed you before.” His pale skin flushes, and I could almost laugh at making Leo Silvera blush. Almost.
The cell phone rings in my pocket, and I jump, startled. My eyes were locked on his lips. Honestly, Nina. I pull out the phone. “Hello? Artemis?”
“I’m—I was told you help demons in trouble?” Not Artemis. I deflate.
“Sort of. Sometimes. What kind of demon, what kind of trouble?”
“Oh. Right. Well, I’d rather not say what kind, and the trouble is I think I’m being hunted. A lot of us are.”
“You have to tell me what kind.”
“I’m nonlethal. And I barely have any power at all since magic died. I promise you won’t even notice I’m around.”
I’m suspicious that he won’t tell me what kind he is. Leo shifts to the side, and I sit on the edge of his cot, painfully aware of how close he is. “How did you get this number?”
“A friend of a friend. Tsip.”
“I’m sorry, it’s absolutely against the rules to even meet with you until you tell me what type of demon you are. I’m really not trying to be speciesist or judge you, but we have an entire group to think of. Like, I’m not going to bring a lilliad demon here. We for sure do not offer broth made from the bones of children on our weekly menu.”
“Right. Right. I get it. I’m …” He sighs heavily, then mumbles, “I’m a chaos demon.”
&
nbsp; “Oh.” I let the word out in a long exhalation. “Right. Chaos demon. That’s—that’s nonlethal. Right.”
“You don’t have to pretend. I know.”
Chaos demons are … slimy. They have giant antlers that drip a steady stream of slime. The slime can be used in various magical spells—or could be, at least—and the demons themselves are drawn to chaos and help foment more of it. They’re most typically found in countries with civil war, or riots, or very full and understaffed daycare facilities.
“Totally fine with the slime! It’s not—we’re not—how is the chaos end of things, though?” I’m not totally fine with the slime. I can imagine the protests about the chore rotation if we had to clean up his trail. And the laundry from his bedding. Oh gods, the laundry. But we already have more chaos here than we can manage.
“The chaos was a magic-based connection to my hell dimension. I’m all dry.” He lets out an awkward laugh. “Only figuratively. Literally, I’m still. Well. You know.”
“Yeah. Okay.” I rub my forehead. “We need to meet in person so I can check everything out.” And get a sense for whether he’s still all chaosy. I’ll have to send Rhys and his grandma Ruth. They’re the least prone to chaos in the whole castle. I once saw Rhys’s sock drawer, which was organized by color, type, and level of wear.
“Great! Thank you! I can only meet at night. It’s hard for me to be out during the day.”
Giant antlers would definitely make staying incognito a problem. Poor guy. “When can you get to the Dublin area?”
“Dublin? Hmm. Next week sometime.”
“Okay. Call when you’re there and we’ll arrange a meetup.” I hang up. I’m not sure where I’ll meet him, but we decided after the warehouse attack we needed to range even farther away from Shancoom.
“Your mother told me what you’re doing here,” Leo says. “It’s good. It’s what Watchers should be. What we should always have been.”
“Thanks.” I stand, needing to move for this next part of the conversation. I wish we could go for a walk. My phone rings again, and I sigh, answering it. “What?”
“Nina.”
My heart stops. It’s Artemis. “Hey.”
“I got your text. You want the book in exchange for not telling everyone what I’ve been doing? You’re blackmailing me?”
“No!” I pause. “Yes. But I’m also protecting you. I should have told them.”
“You should have.” She pauses for so long I want to reach across the static distance between us and strangle her. “Fine. I don’t need it anymore, and you should know what’s going on. Meet me tonight. Outside Dublin. Bring Rhys.” She pauses again. “And Mom.”
“Won’t that defeat the purpose of them not knowing?”
“I don’t care if they know, Nina!”
“I do!” I cringe at how I shouted it. “I do. You need to be able to come back, and you can’t if everyone votes against you because you’ve joined some demonic zealot group. You picked the one thing we can’t overlook. Why would you do that?”
Her voice is neither soft nor vicious. It’s just far away. “I’m never coming back. I’ll text you the address.” The line goes dead. I leave the phone pressed against my ear for way too long, hoping she’ll say something, anything else. It dings, startling me. The address stares at me. I’ll see Artemis. I’ll get the book. But it feels so … final.
I look down at Leo. I need more time with him, but if I’m going to get to Artemis when I’m supposed to, I have to leave now. Artemis told me to bring Rhys and our mom, but I hold my hand out to Leo. “They said you can’t have free range of movement in the castle.” He isn’t handcuffed to the bed. I’m assuming they’ll save that for nighttime.
“I understand.”
“No, I mean, they said you can’t have free movement in the castle. So let’s go.”
“What?”
“Gotta take a partner on every trip out of the castle. Even one to meet with my sister.” I’m not done talking to Leo yet. Not by a long shot. And maybe it will distract me from my nerves over going to confront Artemis. Plus, this way she’ll still have the option of coming back, even if she thinks she doesn’t want it. “I could … I could use a Watcher.”
His face softens, and he grabs his blanket, wrapping it around his shoulders. I open the door to find the next pantry room empty, Imogen’s book lying facedown and open. “What is she, a sociopath?” I close the book so the spine won’t break, then peer out into the kitchen. The coast is clear. My mother gave me permission to talk to Leo, but I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t approve of this. Leo walks far too slowly for my needs, but we make it through the great hall and down the front stone steps without being caught. I get him in the car.
“One second.” I sprint back inside to my room and grab Artemis’s favorite leather jacket out of the closet. A peace offering. And a reminder. I saved my meager pocket money and sold half my novels to buy it for her for our last birthday. Once I’m back in the car and we’re on the way, I text Rhys that I got a call from a chaos demon—not technically a lie—and I’m going to check it out and I took Leo with me.
Then I turn my phone off.
Leo leans back in his seat, closing his eyes. The dappled January sunlight, as weak as he is but just as lovely, plays on his face, and something in my chest loosens for the first time in months.
21
“AND YOU’RE SURE YOU SAW what you saw?” Leo asks as I slow down, scanning the streets for the address Artemis texted me.
I nod, miserable. I brought him along to talk about my power, but he overheard my conversation with Artemis and asked what’s been going on. I told him the truth. Talking it out almost feels like what we were getting close to before everything went to hellmouths in a handbasket. What we should have been: Watcher and Slayer. Except he’s still wrapped in a blanket and can barely keep his head up, and we’re worrying about my sister instead of a demon or vampire. “Kind of hard to mistake her intentions when she told Honora to throw me off a moving vehicle.”
“Maybe she’ll have a good explanation.”
“She had better. But at least we’ll have that book back and we can get some answers about this nameless one or Sleeping One or whoever he is. Cillian’s mom—shoot, I was supposed to meet her this afternoon—knows some stuff too.” Maybe we’ll stop there on the way back to the castle. I have a feeling I’ll be in no hurry to get back and face the music.
“What will you do if you discover danger beyond just the zealots?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Slayers should have some sort of sign-up sheet where you post a threat and whoever is best equipped to deal with it steps in.”
“So, Buffy. Every time.”
I laugh. “Yeah, she probably wouldn’t appreciate it.”
“It’s going to be fine. You’ll figure it out.”
“Which part? Artemis, or the potential looming monstrosity?”
His smile has more faith in me than I deserve. “Both.”
“It might get messy, though. Oh gods, speaking of mess, I told that chaos demon we’d meet with him next week. What if he’s telling the truth and he isn’t chaos incarnate anymore? And we have to give him sanctuary?”
“How would he fit in the car?” Leo asks, staring at the backseat where the chaos demon would presumably sit.
“Oh no, you’re right. We’d need a sunroof open or something. Maybe if he turned to the side? And his antlers came up between the seats? But then he’d drip slime on us and … yuck. Maybe he’ll have his own car. Or we’ll get lucky and he’ll try to kill us, so we can deny him entry.”
Leo laughs. It’s soft and dry and a bit rattley, but still makes me happy to hear. “That’s a weird definition of getting lucky.”
“Only type of getting lucky I manage these days.” I cringe. Do not talk about getting lucky with the only boy you’ve ever liked. Fortunately, Leo’s laugh has turned into a cough, and he didn’t catch what I said or can’t respond.
I slow down even mo
re as we get close to the address, looking from side to side for a house, or an abandoned shack, or a lair. Whatever Honora might have picked to live in with my sister. Instead, I pull up alongside a cemetery weeping with the gently falling rain. Even the trees are heavy and bowed with time, nodding over the worn and age-pocked monuments. An angel with her head lowered, hands covering her face, is wrapped in her own stone wings as though trying to find comfort in cold granite.
The fence around the cemetery is old and rusting, and it doesn’t look like anyone new has been buried here in at least a few decades. It probably doesn’t get a lot of foot traffic on dreary, drizzling January days. We couldn’t have met at a coffee shop?
It’s not quite sunset, and I don’t really relish the thought of standing in the rain freezing my butt off, so I put the car in park but keep it running. This feels like my last chance to fix things. But I’m also defensive and angry and worried I’m going to snap and shout at Artemis like she deserves.
Leo rests a hand gently on my shoulder. “She’s your sister,” he says.
“Let’s hope that’s enough.” I lean back in my seat, surveying the cemetery. It must go on for some ways. The heavy trees and low gray drizzle keep me from seeing too far inside, but I don’t see any movement. I’ll wait until the sun actually goes down. Artemis said sunset. And I kind of like the idea of making her wait for me after what a jerk she was.
The windows quickly fog up, sealing us in the dim, warm interior. I turn my head so I’m looking at Leo. With the light fading and his face in profile, he looks like himself. I want to talk more about why he didn’t come back. I should ask him about what my power was like when he held it, if he can help me figure out why it feels different. But I don’t want to do any of that. I want to be a normal girl sitting in a car with a cute guy. Like a date. At the cemetery. To have a tense exchange of stolen goods with my sister. Total normal girl stuff.
I know I’m avoiding facing my problems, but I’m tired of life and death, of darkness and threats. I got Leo back. Maybe I’ll get Artemis back too. And then things can be normal and I can stop feeling terrified that I’ll lose someone else, or feeling so angry that I’m terrified I’ll lose myself.
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