by S. Walden
I nodded.
“Just to make sure this great big web of lies we’ve created stays intact,” she explained.
I nodded again.
“Thanks for sharing about Mr. Connelly. You know you can trust me, right?”
I knew I could trust Avery. She’d let them burn her at the stake before she told. She was just that kind of person. Loyal. Trustworthy. A friend, perhaps?
I nodded for a third time.
“Use your words, Cadence.”
I grinned. “Yes, Avery. I trust you.”
Gavin emerged from the garage, and Avery jumped up to greet him.
“Hey, baby,” she said, leaning in for a good, long tongue-tied kiss. I averted my eyes. “I’d jump on you but you’re greasy.”
“Mmm. Jump on me. I’ll wash your clothes,” Gavin said. “I’ll strip you down naked and wash your clothes.”
Oh God. Maybe I should have gone to the record store.
“Stop, Gavin!” Avery squealed. “I want you to meet someone.”
I finally looked up at Gavin and smiled. He looked exactly as I expected: grease-stained white T-shirt stretched taut over formidable muscles. Ripped jeans. Messy blond hair with bangs that fell over his eyes. He looked like he belonged in an auto shop. And I have to admit that he was pretty hot. Just not my type.
“Hey, I know you!” Gavin said. “What’s up, Cay-Cay?”
Cay-Cay? What the hell was that?
As though Avery could read my mind, she said, “Oh, I call you Cay-Cay sometimes when I talk about you to Gavin.”
“Why are you talking about me?” I asked. And then I shook my head. “No no. Why the hell do you call me ‘Cay-Cay’? I freaking hate that.”
“I know. And that’s why,” Avery said, grinning.
“Fine. I’ll give you a stupid name,” I said. I looked up at the clouds and squinted. “How about ‘Avers’?”
“Totally love it,” Avery replied.
“Whatever. It’s stupid and you know it,” I snapped.
“I’ll be Gavvy,” Gavin suggested.
We laughed. It was probably the dumbest conversation I’d ever had. And it’s exactly what I needed to feel better. I laughed so hard I didn’t hear my phone buzz again. And I didn’t hear it buzz when the three of us—Gavvy, Avers, and me, Cay-Cay—went for pizza. Only when I got home did I see the dozens of missed calls. From Mark. He left no messages, and I was glad. If he apologized via voicemail, I’d lose it.
***
I averted my eyes when Mr. Connelly walked through the classroom door. The room fell silent immediately. Students seemed scared of him, I guess because of his little power performance the previous day. I had managed to forget all about it for several hours yesterday while I hung out with Avery and Gavin, who were the cutest and most annoying couple I’d ever seen.
“Good morning,” Mr. Connelly said, addressing the class.
A few murmured “good mornings” back, but mostly everyone stayed quiet. Absolute fear.
Mr. Connelly sighed and pulled a stool close to the front row. Students leaned as far away from him as they could. Mr. Connelly sat down and scanned the room.
“I’m a freaking jerk,” he said. “I mean, I was a jerk yesterday. And I owe you all an apology for the way I treated Cadence.” He looked at me, and I froze. “And I especially owe you an apology, Cadence. I like to think I’m a pretty nice, fair teacher, and yesterday I wasn’t any of those things. I treated you unfairly, I abused my power as a teacher to humiliate you, and I was unkind.”
Everyone seemed to be holding their breath.
“I will never treat you like that again,” he said, eyes locked on mine before he addressed the entire class once more. “And I will never treat any of you like that. I don’t want you to be scared of me. I don’t want you to fear my class. I want you to feel like you can come to me and ask for help.”
And then everyone expelled the breath they were holding at the same time. Students relaxed, and the tension vanished.
“Please forgive me, Cadence,” Mr. Connelly said, looking at me once more.
I nodded even though I was still hurt. But I was also impressed that a grown man and teacher had the balls to admit his wrong in front of an entire group of students and ask for forgiveness. It might have been a terrible mistake—showing vulnerability in front of seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds—but something told me that the class would respect him more because of his apology.
***
I stood in his doorway unable or unwilling to walk inside. He stared at me shamefaced.
“I’m so sorry,” he said softly.
I walked in then and closed the door.
“Cadence, I am so sorry for the way I treated you. It was disgusting. Just disgusting.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
He looked shocked.
“I . . . I was manipulative on the phone. I said those things to make you angry—those things about not being able to touch me anymore and how we probably shouldn’t be together. I didn’t mean any of them. I said them to be hurtful.”
He looked at me confused.
“I didn’t realize how much I hurt you,” I continued. “At least, I didn’t realize it until class yesterday.”
He grimaced. “Please don’t try to justify my behavior, Cadence. It was sick.”
“I’m not justifying it,” I said. “But I understand where it came from. I was a total bitch.”
“Don’t call yourself that,” Mark said, and then he paused for a moment. “I . . . I confess you made me crazy all day Sunday. And the longer I went without talking to you, the angrier I got. But I should have been more mature.”
“I should have been more mature.”
“Cadence,” Mark said, exasperated. “Please stop blaming yourself, okay? I was a jerk, and I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me any time soon, but I hope in the future—”
“I do forgive you,” I interrupted.
Mark smiled. He didn’t look happy, though. He looked sad and defeated. “I shouldn’t have gone on a date with Tiffany.”
“I understand why you did,” I replied. “And you’re right. It’s not as though we can go public with our relationship. Your mom would want to know who you were dating.” I hung my head. “I wish it weren’t so hard.”
Mark walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me. He lifted me off the floor, cradled me like a baby, and walked me over to the couch. He sat down carefully, holding me close to his chest, and kissed the top of my head.
“It won’t be hard forever,” he said. “You’ll turn eighteen and graduate. I’ll be finished teaching at Crestview. The whole world will open up to us.”
I smiled. “I turn eighteen next Friday.”
“I know.”
“You remembered?”
“Cadence, you think I’m an idiot? Of course I know your birthday,” Mark said.
I nuzzled his neck. “I want to tell you a secret.”
“You better,” he replied.
I cupped his ear and leaned in to whisper, “I liked you from the first day of school. That’s why I acted so weird around you.” I pulled away and grinned at him.
He leaned in and cupped my ear, whispering, “I know.”
I smacked his arm. “Mark!”
He chuckled. “I know because I felt the same way.”
“Then why did you wait so long to tell me?”
“Not exactly the easiest thing to do, Cadence. I mean, what we’re doing here is . . . dangerous. I thought maybe my attraction to you would fade with time, and that’s why I didn’t say anything. I almost wanted it to because I knew how difficult it would be.”
“But then why did you do all those nice things for me if you were trying not to be attracted to me?”
Mark chuckled. “Because it’s impossible to not be attracted to you. I couldn’t help myself. Every day after school, I would resolve to start over the next, to ignore how cute you were, to try to be unaffected by you. And then you�
��d come into class the next day, and my resolve would melt to nothing. I felt powerless, but not in a frustrated way. I liked the feeling. I still like the feeling.”
I smiled and sat up in his lap. “I’m glad your resolve melted to nothing.”
“Me too. Because I couldn’t imagine you not in my life.” He took my hands and held them, palms up. “Do you remember when I cleaned your hands?”
“Yes.”
He leaned over and kissed my open palms. “That’s really when I knew there was no going back.”
He tried to kiss my hands again, but I placed them on either side of his face and made him kiss my lips instead.
“I’ll never belittle you again, Cadence,” he said into my mouth. “I swear to you.”
“I believe you.”
And with each kiss, the soreness faded until my heart was healthy again.
“I love you.”
I dropped the plates with a loud crash. One broke, and I grimaced. I bent down to pick up the pieces.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, squatting and scooping and replaying his words over and over in my head.
“Cadence, it’s all right,” Mark said. “I can get more plates.” He squatted beside me and grabbed my hands. “Stop. Listen to me.”
I froze, unable to look him in the face. I stared at the broken plate pieces instead.
“I love you. I realized I loved you last week. I know the exact day and hour.”
“You do?”
“Mmhmm.” He stood up and pulled me to my feet. “It was last Monday at 4:37 P.M. You sat on my lap and whispered your secrets into my ear, and that’s when I realized I love you.”
I buried my face in his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me.
“Why didn’t you tell me then?” I asked.
“Because I wasn’t ready to.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t expect you to say it back, Cadence,” Mark said.
“Okay.”
“I want you to say it when you know.”
“Okay.”
He squeezed me lightly.
“But doesn’t it make you nervous? Waiting to hear me say it back?” I asked.
“No. It’s not conditional. I don’t love you because you love me. I love you because I love you.”
Well, that made sense. And it filled me with happiness. I thought I could never be happy. I remember thinking it at the beginning of the school year, but now everything had changed. I was happy. Finally happy.
“I—”
“Don’t you dare say it,” Mark warned.
I looked at him and saw his grin.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re not ready. And you’d only be saying it because I did.”
I smiled. “Would not.”
“I mean it, Cadence.”
“But I—”
“Don’t you do it!” he said, lifting me off the floor. I wrapped my legs around him.
“Mark! I’m allowed to say it if it’s true!” I argued.
“I’m not convinced of your motivations,” he replied, setting me on the kitchen counter. He stood between my legs, holding my hips.
“I don’t have any motivations except to tell you what’s true.”
“Cadence . . .”
“I love you!” I blurted before he could interrupt me.
Mark sighed, then let his mouth settle into a wicked little grin. “Well, that does it.” He tossed me over his shoulder and walked to the bedroom. I squealed the whole time, smacking his bottom until I felt myself fall backwards onto his bed.
“I warned you.”
I giggled and squirmed when I felt his hands go to the button on my jeans.
“You’ll never be able to get them off,” I laughed. “They’re skinny jeans.”
“Oh, you underestimate me,” Mark replied. “If I want in, I’m getting in.”
I twisted my hips halfheartedly in an attempt to pretend I was putting up a fight. I liked the playful struggle, and it seemed to fuel his need for my body. The truth was that he couldn’t get my jeans off fast enough.
“God, are these things painted on or something?” he said, yanking and tugging.
“Stop!” I cried. “Are you trying to bruise me?” I slapped his hands away and wriggled out of the jeans. He watched in fascination.
“I don’t know how you girls do it, but it’s fantastic,” he said when I was lying once more on his bed in only my panties and top. He climbed on top of me and looked down at my face. “Now, here are all the things I plan to do to you.”
I closed my eyes.
“Nope,” he said. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
I obeyed.
“First, I’m gonna slide your panties down your legs.”
I turned my face.
“Cadence, look at me.”
“I can’t. It’s embarrassing! Just do it. Don’t tell me first!”
He placed his hands on either side of my face and gently turned me to look at him once more.
“You’re very impatient.”
I took a deep breath and waited.
“Next, I’m gonna slide my hand between your legs and play with you.”
My breathing came a little faster.
“What do you think about that?”
I nodded.
“Would you like me to slide my finger in your pussy?”
“Mark!”
“Or maybe you want me to rub your little clit. I know you really like that.”
“Stop it!”
“Stop what? Stop telling you what I plan to do to you? Why are you embarrassed?”
“I don’t know,” I managed, feeling the heat of embarrassment burn my skin and throb between my legs.
“I just wanna get you wet, Cadence,” Mark continued. “For what I plan next.”
“Oh?”
“Well, did you think I wouldn’t put my mouth on you? How could I not? You have, hands down, the sweetest little pussy on the planet.”
“Oh my God . . .”
“And I’m gonna bury my face in it.”
“Jesus Christ . . .” And I never say “Jesus Christ.”
“No, Cadence. My name is Mark Connelly. And I’m about to give you the most explosive orgasm of your life.”
And holy shit, he did.
***
I remember very little from my birthday dinner. I know the restaurant was nice. The atmosphere was cozy. I remember being slightly nervous initially to go out in public. The club was different. I wasn’t afraid I’d run into church members there. But dinner? It didn’t matter that it was at a restaurant an hour from home. I was on edge. And I remember Mark telling me a dozen times to relax.
Relax. I kept repeating the word over and over throughout dinner. And dessert. And on the car ride back to Mark’s apartment. And in his bedroom when he told me he wanted to undress me and make love to me.
“But if you’re not ready, Cadence, it’s okay,” he said. I was clad in only my bra and panties, and he was on his knees in front of me, face buried in my stomach, inhaling my scent.
“I’m ready,” I replied. My voice didn’t shake a bit. I sounded quite confident for a girl who had a trillion questions running through her head.
“But?”
Okay. Apparently I didn’t sound that confident. Apparently I sounded like I had a trillion questions running through my head.
“I know it’ll hurt, but will it hurt really badly?” I decided to start with the scariest.
“Really badly? I don’t know. But I know it hurts,” Mark replied.
“Will you use a condom?”
“Yes.”
“If I were on birth control, would you use a condom?”
Mark hesitated for a moment. “Are you on birth control?”
“No.”
“Then what does it matter?”
“But would you if I were?”
“I would let you decide.”
“Do you have any diseases?”
Mark look
ed up at my face and smiled. “No, Cadence.”
“Have you been checked for diseases?”
“Yes, Cadence.”
“When?”
“Five years ago.”
“That’s a long time,” I said.
“I know. But I was with one partner when I got checked. And only her since then.”
“Just one?”
“Just one.”
“Was she nice?” What a stupid question. I don’t even know where it came from. I think I was becoming increasingly nervous and needed to keep talking to keep my heart rate down.
Mark’s face clouded over. “Yes,” he whispered into my belly.
“Why aren’t you with her anymore?” I asked. Cadence, what the hell are you doing? Stop asking these questions! You’re being rude!
Mark stood up. “Cadence, we don’t have to have sex if you’re not ready. It’s really okay.” He combed his fingers through my hair, studying the strands.
“I want to, Mark,” I whispered. “I really do.”
He bent down to kiss my lips then scooped me up and laid me on the bed.
“Are you sure?” he asked.
I nodded and smiled. I really was sure. I knew if there was anyone in the world I wanted to give my virginity to, it was him. I trusted him. Completely.
“I’ll be very gentle,” he reassured me.
I nodded again and felt his lips on me once more, trailing across my cheek, down my neck, between my breasts. He unfastened the front clasp of my bra and laid open the cups, staring at my hard nipples. I closed my eyes on instinct.
“‘This is the female form’,” he quoted, dragging his forefinger around my breasts. Slowly. Softly. It almost tickled, but I knew to take him seriously, so I didn’t laugh.
“‘A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot’,” he continued, letting his hand glide over my breasts. He rolled his thumb over one nipple then the other, making me gasp and squirm.
“‘It attracts with fierce, undeniable attraction’,” Mark said, and then he leaned over and licked my nipples.
I arched my body to him, begging him to take more of me into his mouth.
He spoke into my breast, “‘I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapor, all falls aside but myself and it’.” And then he pressed his lips to mine, and I panted into his mouth while his hands ran the length of my body.