Good

by S. Walden

  “Nice to see you too, Avery,” Gavin’s friend said.

  I looked him over. Blatantly. I had no choice because I was drunk, and when you’re drunk, it’s hard to be covert about anything. The man was all muscles, buzzed head, forearms tatted up like he owned a parlor. He looked the exact opposite of my ex-boyfriend, and I liked him immediately.

  Avery huffed. “Cadence, this is Nick.”

  “Hi, Cadence,” Nick said.

  “Hi, Nick,” I replied, and then giggled.

  “What’s so funny, Cadence?” he asked, walking over to sit next to me on the couch.

  “My martini,” I replied playfully.

  “You girls look like you’re up to no good,” Nick said, sitting so close to me that our legs touched.

  “We’re being perfectly good,” I replied. “We’re just watching a movie.”

  “And why aren’t you spending the night with your boyfriend, Cadence?” Nick asked. “It’s Valentine’s Day.”

  My face fell, and he saw.

  “I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to hit a nerve.”

  I shook my head. “I’m flattered you assumed I had a boyfriend.”

  “Well, a pretty thing like you? How could you not?” Nick asked.

  “I’m gonna barf,” I heard Avery mumble, but I ignored her.

  “I did have a boyfriend. Two days ago,” I explained. “He broke up with me.”

  Nick looked me over. “Then he’s a moron.”

  I hadn’t noticed Gavin settle onto the couch beside Avery, but somehow in the span of fifteen minutes, our girls’ night turned into a couples’ night. Halfway through the movie, Avery and Gavin disappeared to his bedroom, and I was left alone in the living room with Nick. We continued watching the movie for awhile, and maybe I should have felt a little uncomfortable hanging with a guy I didn’t know, but the warmth and relaxation that accompanied my martinis made me anything but. I let Nick put his arm around me as I rested my head on his shoulder.

  “You’re such a pretty little thing,” He said into my hair.

  I didn’t like that he used the adjective “little.” It reminded me of Mr. Connelly and how he liked to call me “my little Cadence.” I tried to block those words. I wanted to forget about him altogether.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “Are you sad, Cadence?” Nick asked. I think he wanted me to be, and I wouldn’t lie to him.

  “Yes.”

  He lifted my face to his, brushing my hair aside and tucking it behind my ear.

  “Would you like me to help you not feel so sad?”

  I didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

  It was a fuzzy blur. The kiss. Tongues twisting. Straddling his thighs. Feeling his mouth on my neck, his teeth sink softly into my skin. He carried me somewhere dark and secretive. I never protested when he strip me naked, laying me carefully on the bed. I never protested when he kissed all over me, spreading my legs and tasting me. I never protested when he slid inside of me and stroked me gently. It felt like making love, though there was no love. I never protested once, but I cried quietly, and he never heard.

  In the morning, I lay in Gavin’s guest bed alone, feeling the weight of sin on my shoulders. Not because I had sex outside of marriage, but because I had sex with a man I didn’t love.

  ***

  “Are we gonna talk about this?” Avery asked during lunch the following week.

  “No.”

  “I feel totally responsible, Cadence,” she said. “I shouldn’t have left you alone with him.”

  “It was my decision. It’s not like he forced me.”

  “I know, but still. You’re not the kind of girl who has sex with random guys.”

  I bristled. “I don’t have sex with random guys. I had sex with one random guy.”

  “Well, you’re not the kind of girl who has sex with one random guy.”

  “Why do you care?” I barked.

  “Because you’re my friend, okay?”

  I said nothing.

  “I mean, I get why you did it. But the whole point was to have a girls’ night and forget about guys.”

  “Avery,” I said patiently, “you disappeared to Gavin’s bedroom. With him. You didn’t seem too concerned with having a girls’ night.”

  “I know, and I feel awful about it.”

  “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. What’s done is done.”

  “Did you use protection?”

  “Did you not just hear what I said?”

  “Cadence, did you use protection?”

  “Yes! Okay? Yes we did! Why the fuck is this so important to you? I haven’t said anything to make you feel guilty for it! My life! My decision!”

  I grabbed my tray and stomped off. Avery stayed behind. I needed time alone. Time to sort out my guilt. Time to figure out the healthy way to mend my heart. I was by no means coming apart at the seams, but I felt the slight unraveling of my morals. I was a better girl than that person Friday night. I wanted her back, but I was afraid this new bruised and damaged girl wouldn’t invite her.

  Oliver was waiting for me by my car at the end of the day.

  “Kim’s going on a date with me,” he said. He sounded like a little kid bragging about his trip to Disney World, and I grew instantly annoyed.

  “Super,” I replied, yanking open the car door.

  “What’s your problem?”

  “Nothing,” I mumbled, climbing into the driver’s seat. “Hurry up and get in. I wanna go home.”

  “You want to go home?” Oliver asked, buckling his seat belt.

  “Whatever.”

  Oliver sighed. “What’s going on, Cay?” And then he gasped. “Did you find out if you’re pregnant yet?”

  I burst out laughing, and my sour mood lifted a little.

  “What?”

  “I just love how you all of a sudden remember that I might be pregnant.”

  “Sorry, okay? I’ve had things going on.”

  “Apparently,” I replied, pulling out of the student parking lot.

  “Just tell me if you’re pregnant or not,” Oliver said.

  “No, I’m not. And you better never mention it ever again in your life,” I warned.

  “I’ve already forgotten it.”

  “Good. Now tell me about Kim,” I said. I glanced at Oliver and saw the silly grin spread across his face.

  “We’re going on a date.” He didn’t elaborate.

  “Yeah. You said that already. Where are you going, and who’s taking you?” I asked.

  “Oh, well, I thought you would,” Oliver replied. “And I thought I’d take her to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.”

  “Wow, that’s really expensive. How many lawns have you mowed?”

  “A bazillion. And I’ve been saving every penny.”

  “And now you’re gonna blow it all on her,” I said, amused.

  “You gotta problem with that?” Oliver asked.

  Did I have a problem with it? I had a problem with anything lately that had to do with love.

  “No, Ollie. I think it’s sweet,” I said softly. “What time do you want me to take you?”

  “Seven this Friday.”

  “You better make a reservation. Fridays are date nights.”

  “I know.”

  I grinned because I knew he didn’t have a freaking clue. A little part of my heart was sore and jealous, but mostly I was happy for Oliver. He’d been pining over this chick all year, and finally she was deigning to hang out with him. She better treat him well, I thought, or I’d let her have it.

  Bitch.

  “Cay, did you ever tell the guy?” Oliver asked out of the blue.

  “Tell who what?”

  “Tell the guy you were fornicating with that you thought you might be pregnant.”

  “Did you seriously just say ‘fornicate’?” I asked, and grimaced.

  “Just answer me.”

  “You know, you have some nerve sitting there silently judging me when you know you wanna screw Kim
up and down.”

  “CADENCE!”

  “Oh, shut up. You know it’s true.”

  “Who are you? I swear to God I don’t know who you are anymore,” Oliver said.

  “Yeah, well I don’t know me either. So there you have it. And even though it’s not your business, I’ll tell you anyway. Yes, I told him. And yes, he ran for the hills.”

  “Jerk.”

  “Well, what are gonna do, right?”

  “Are you turning into some embittered woman?”

  “Yes.”

  “Great. Just great. Stay away from me at home,” Oliver said.

  “I don’t wanna be near you anywhere, Ollie. In fact, I’d prefer to strap you to the top of the car when I have to cart your ass around,” I replied.

  “You’re such a bitch.”

  “Don’t I know it.”

  There is no way I can describe the massive amount of jealousy I felt Friday night when I drove Oliver to pick up Kim for their date. I knew it stemmed from bitterness and humiliation, and a part of me felt guilty for hating Oliver so much right now. It wasn’t his fault. But I was hurting, and he was happy. No, it was more than happiness. He was off-the-charts delirious.

  “So, I guess you’re sitting in the back seat with her?” I asked Oliver on our way to Kim’s neighborhood.

  “Uh, yeah,” he replied.

  “I don’t want any fooling around happening back there. Got it?”

  “That’s rich coming from you.”

  “You heard what I said. The whole idea of my brother making out makes me wanna puke.”

  “Stop being so dramatic. And I would never make out with a girl anywhere near you. That’s, like, sick.”

  I grinned. “She’s not just going out with you because you have money, is she?”

  Oliver laughed. “I don’t have money.”

  “Well, she thinks you do. You’re taking her to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, after all,” I said, glancing at Oliver. He was all dressed up in slacks and a tie. It was cute. “All I know is that bitch better not be taking advantage of you.”

  “Don’t call my girl a bitch, Cay,” Oliver said. “And she’s not taking advantage of me. She likes me. She told me so.”

  “When?”

  “Like a week ago.”

  “Where?”

  “At school.”

  “She just walked up to you and told you she likes you?” I asked, turning onto Maple Drive.

  “No. Her friend told me.”

  “Her friend told you? What are we talking about here? What, she walked up to you in the cafeteria and slipped you a note?”

  “Don’t be a jerk, Cadence.”

  “I’m not. I’m just really trying to understand this scenario. Did Kim get her friend to go tell you? What, she’s too chickenshit to tell you herself? I’m confused.”

  I pulled into Kim’s driveway and put the car in park. Oliver scowled at me.

  “Don’t open your mouth when she gets in this car,” he demanded. “You’re being a little bitch because you’re mad that whoever gave you a pregnancy scare dumped you. I’m sorry he did that, but don’t put your bullshit on me. I’m excited about this date, and I’m not gonna let you ruin it.”

  He exited the car without another word, and I sat speechless, staring ahead at the garage doors. And then the guilt swept over me like a hot wind. Uncomfortable. Stinging. Burning. My eyes welled. I’d turned into a bitch. And I’m not a bitch. I’m a nice girl. What was happening to me? And why was I allowing someone so much control over the way I felt about myself and how I treated other people?

  I watched as Oliver escorted Kim to the car, opening the door for her like a perfect gentleman. I know I wasn’t supposed to talk, but I decided to anyway because everything I was about to say was going to be kind.

  “Hi, Kim,” I said, turning around and smiling. Oliver narrowed his eyes at me.

  “Hey, Cadence,” Kim replied. “Thanks for driving us.”

  “Oh, it’s no big deal. I’ve got nothing better to do,” I said.

  Oliver cleared his throat. I turned on the car and backed onto the street.

  “So Kim, you play lacrosse, right?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “That’s, like, hardcore,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know. Everyone thinks lacrosse players are dykes, but we totally aren’t.”

  “Oh, I never thought you were a dyke. I just meant hardcore like, you go girl! Kickass, you know?”

  “So anyway,” Oliver interjected. “I hope you like this restaurant, Kim.”

  “I’ve never been,” she replied. “And I’m really excited.”

  I could hear the giddiness in her voice and relaxed. She was genuinely happy to be on this date with my brother. I decided to shut up and give them their time, so I turned on the radio and listened as Jonn Hart sang about booty—particularly “who booty.” I don’t know if he ever discovered whose booty it was, but I hoped for his sake he did. I’d never heard someone so desperate for ass, and I thought he’d lose his mind if he didn’t find that booty.

  I thought I was losing my mind.

  Somehow, I suppose by the grace of God, I managed to pull up my calculus grade to a low “B.” So I stopped going to tutoring. I would have stopped going to tutoring regardless, but at least my current average showed that I was starting to grasp the concepts better. Plus, there was always Jacob to help me if I fell behind again. He offered every other day. Funny how he approached me at my locker at the exact moment I thought about him.

  “Hey, Cadence,” he said, shifting his book bag from one shoulder to the other.

  “Hey,” I replied, squatting on the floor and packing my own bag.

  “My mom wanted me to tell you that she really liked that flower arrangement you made,” he said. “She’s sending you a ‘thank you’ card, but she insisted I tell you in person.”

  I smiled. “I’m glad she liked it.”

  “You’re really good at that, you know,” Jacob said. “Ever thought about a career in plants?”

  I chuckled.

  “That sounded so stupid,” he muttered.

  “I like botany, actually,” I said. “And yes, I have thought about a career in plants. Specifically what it would be like to own my own flower shop.” I stood up. “Did you get taller?”

  He chuckled. “You noticed. And yes. Two inches since the start of this year.”

  “Oh my God! That’s crazy!”

  “And weird. I didn’t grow at all last year,” he replied.

  I stood on my tiptoes and leveled my hand over my head, guiding it to Jacob. It hit right below his shoulder. “Good grief. You’re gonna have to get yourself a tall woman to keep up with all that.”

  Jacob shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know if I like tall girls.”

  “Why not? Tall girls are the models,” I replied.

  “Eh.” He shrugged his shoulders, and I laughed. “You working today?”

  “Nope. Just heading home.”

  “You think your parents would let you get coffee with me? I mean, if you want to,” he said.

  I considered him. “No drugs in your pockets?”

  “Not one.”

  “No tranquilizer gun in your book bag?”

  “Left it at home.”

  “Then I think they’d be okay with it. I have to call first,” I said.

  He nodded and waited for me by my locker. I walked a little way down the hall to make the call. I flinched when I saw Mr. Connelly round the corner. It had been three weeks, but I still felt raw. And ridiculous. I mostly felt ridiculous.

  He paused in front of me. “Good job on your quiz today, Cadence.”

  “Thanks, Mr. Connelly,” I said, then turned my back on him and called Dad.

  The conversation was easy, short and sweet. Dad didn’t seem to have a problem with anything I did now. Or anyone I hung out with. My short, two-week depression scared him so badly that he was just happy to see me functioning again. I thought he’d even let me han
g out with Dean because he was so desperate to see me smile.

  “Meet you there,” I said to Jacob.

  “Where?” he asked.

  “The Starbucks right down the street,” I clarified.

  “Okay.”

  I’d never spent any significant time with Jacob and didn’t realize how funny he was. He had me laughing so hard I spilled coffee all down the front of my shirt.

  “Oh shit! I’m sorry!” he said, handing me a stack of napkins.

  “It’s okay,” I chuckled, wiping my shirt.

  “Well, anyway. Those were my Pokémon days,” he said, taking another sip of his coffee. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  I shook my head. “I won’t.”

  “I don’t ever remember you being that dorky,” he said, eyeing me thoughtfully.

  “Oh, believe me. I was. Still am, actually.”

  “Don’t believe it. You’re one of the cool chicks now,” he said.

  “And where are you getting that from? I’m a social outcast,” I said.

  “Well, that’s what makes you cool,” he said. “I mean, who wants to be in with the losers at our school?”

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “The popular kids aren’t losers. We’re the losers,” I clarified.

  Jacob laughed.

  “And anyway, being “in” would make things a lot easier,” I admitted.

  “You’re not still finding surprises in your locker, are you?” he asked.

  “Oh, no. Nothing like that, thank God. I just meant . . .” I paused for a moment. “Actually, I don’t know what I meant. And you’re right. I don’t think being ‘in’ with popular kids would make life any easier.”

  “Probably harder,” Jacob said.

  “Yeah. Too much pressure to look and act a certain way.” I finished my coffee and sat back in my chair. “Thanks for being nice to me this year.”

  Jacob smiled. “Well, I had an ulterior motive, but it fell flat.”

  I squirmed, and he saw.

  “Don’t worry. I think I’ve finally gotten over my crush on you. I’ll settle for friendship if you want,” he said.

  I looked him over. He was a bean pole complete with button nose and oversized ears. He had kind blue eyes and the curliest blond hair I’d ever seen.