by L A Cotton
“Sing to me, Angel.”
“Levi, I can’t sing to you.”
“Sure you can. I need it to stop. I need it to fucking stop just for a second. Sing to me, please.”
I had no idea what he was talking about, but I couldn’t deny him.
“Any requests?” I looked over at him, but his eyes were closed, his brows drawn tight, as if he was trying to keep out unwanted thoughts.
“Anything, Country. Just need to hear your voice.” His words were slow and quiet.
Pulling a pillow from beside me, I clutched it to my chest and sang the first thing that came into my head.
* * *
Woke up this morning, with tears on my pillow.
And I cried.
Went through the motions, the questions and anger.
And I tried.
Told myself I’d make it, would fight ‘til the end.
And I lied.
* * *
Because all it takes is a second for everything to change.
* * *
I woke with a start. My eyes strained against my unfamiliar surroundings. Where was I?
Oh.
Levi’s room.
I was in Levi’s room.
“He’s been like that for hours.” Rafe’s voice was flat. I tried to sit up to better see him, but Levi had wrapped himself around me like a child.
Or a lover.
I pushed the unwanted thought out of my head.
Gently inching Levi’s hand off my stomach, I sat up, pushing the hair from my face. “What time is it?”
“After three.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
Rafe let out a shaky breath. “I haven’t seen him sleep so peacefully for years.”
“He has nightmares?”
Rafe nodded.
“I should go.” It had felt necessary to be here earlier but now it felt wrong.
Now it felt like a betrayal to Rafe.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I said, hoping he would understand.
“I know.” He stood up and offered me his hand. I slid my palm into his and let him pull me to my feet. Levi stirred, mumbling something inaudible but quickly settled again.
Rafe leaned in, and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he breathed in deeply and then moved away. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your room.”
The suite was quiet as we left Levi’s room and headed for the door.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out. “I didn’t mean to—”
“Eva,” Rafe palmed my cheeks, “never be sorry for caring. Did I hate seeing you like that with him? Of course I did. But part of me is also so grateful that you were here. It doesn’t usually end so well when Levi loses it, but you... he responds to you.” Sadness washed over his expression, as if he already thought he’d lost me.
“This is very confusing,” I admitted. Not because I felt for Levi what I felt for Rafe, I didn’t. But I couldn’t deny I did feel something. It wasn’t as intense or as wrapped up in desire like the way my feelings for Rafe were, but it was there.
“It’s you I want, Rafe.”
“I know.” He curved a hand around my neck and drew me close, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “You should go. It’s late and we have a busy day tomorrow.” But Rafe didn’t move. There, in the cloak of darkness, he held me while I buried my face in his neck and silently wished things could be different. That things could be simple. That we could just be Rafe and Eva.
But we weren’t just Rafe and Eva.
We were Eva and Black Hearts Still Beat.
We were Eva and Rafe... and Levi.
And nothing about that was simple.
Rafe
“LA, you’re looking as sexy as fuck tonight,” my brother yelled into the mic. He was high on the rush, bouncing on the balls of his feet, his inked skin on display. Our stylists had long given up trying to make him wear the outfits they used to carefully pick out for him every show. Levi Hunter did his own thing, and everyone else could either get on board or go fuck themselves.
Strutting across the stage, he ran a hand through his hair. “Are you ready to rock?”
The crowd’s ferocious cheer almost blew me away. They were amped, anticipation rippling around the Staples Center. Eva and Letty were standing in the wings, and I couldn’t resist glancing over at them. She grinned and I smiled back. It had been less than twenty-four hours since Levi had lost it. Less than twenty-four hours since I watched the girl who held my heart in the palm of her hand, comfort my brother. Seeing them lying there asleep, Levi curled into her body, had almost fucking killed me. I’d sat there in the shadows, watching for hours, my jaw clenched, my fist curled against my thigh. I wanted to pick her up and take her far, far away from him. But Eva was right.
It was confusing.
Because as much as I didn’t want my brother to have her, I couldn’t deny seeing how much she calmed him gave me a sense of peace. It was a mind fuck—wanting her but wanting him to have part of her too.
Damon dropped the opening beat to Monsters in the Dark, pulling me back into the moment as Levi howled the lyrics in the night.
* * *
Sun fades, darkness comes, and I don’t want to be here,
I don’t want to see
Shadows rein, nightmares live, and I don’t want to move,
I don’t want to see
* * *
Beat me, berate me, but you can’t break me.
Beat me, berate me, but you can’t break me.
* * *
The lights go off and I don’t want to sleep. I can’t let go, and I know I can’t show that I’m afraid... I’m afraid of monsters in the dark
* * *
Beat me, berate me, but you can’t break me.
Beat me, berate me, but you can’t break me.
* * *
I’ll fight, I’ll resist, I won’t give in… I won’t give in to the monsters in the dark
* * *
He didn’t just sing the lyrics, he bled them out all over the stage. Every song we’d penned was personal: our story, the gritty details of our childhood weaved into every word. But we never publicly admitted it. Time and time again, we had been asked what our songs meant, about the dark and depraved meaning behind the lyrics. And time and time again we gave the same answer, they were just words.
Messed up words from four messed up guys.
We all knew the truth, but it was our truth, and we weren’t ready to share that with the world.
Maybe we never would be.
It only added to the mystery, the intrigue and appeal.
It had been the four of us for so long, and now there was Eva. Sweet, compassionate, pure-hearted Eva. But she also carried a darkness, I’d seen it that weekend in Camdena. It had faded some since the tour commenced, but it was still there, deep inside her. Part of me wondered if that’s why she’d so easily slipped into life on the road with us. If maybe, in some fucked-up cosmic way, she was right where she was supposed to be.
Levi jogged over to me, winking as he spun around and tipped his head back on my shoulder, belting out the lines, “The lights go off and I don’t want to sleep. I can’t let go, and I know I can’t show that I’m afraid... I’m afraid of monsters in the dark.”
All those people in the crowd and not a single one of them knew. They had no idea how close my brother had come to relapsing last night. That his past and present had collided and splintered his reality in a way he couldn’t handle.
Usually, after such an incident, he woke up full of self-loathing and regret, reaching for a bottle or a chasing a high with whatever drug he could get his hands on.
Last night though, he’d reached for Eva.
To say his progress was bittersweet was a huge fucking understatement.
The knot in my stomach tightened. We hadn’t talked about what happened and thanks to a busy day of interviews it had been easy to avoid Eva. But we couldn’t avoid each other forever, and I didn’t want to. She
was so sure Levi didn’t want her; yet, she didn’t know him like I did. He was unpredictable and impulsive and he rarely gave a thought to how his actions might affect anyone else. He might not have wanted her now, but what happened when he decided he did?
By the time Levi invited Eva on stage with us, the atmosphere was electric. LA always turned out a good crowd, but tonight was a whole other level. As I watched my brother and Eva perform their stripped back version of Running Up That Hill, I knew it had something to do with him. He was revitalized.
Alive.
And I was pretty sure it was all thanks to Eva.
“We’re going out,” Levi announced once we were all back in the dressing room. The show had been one of our best yet and everyone was still riding the high.
“No way,” Alistair said. “No fucking way. After last night you’re lucky you’re not facing assault charges.”
“It was a couple of punches.” My brother shrugged in his usual arrogant way, running his busted knuckles across his jaw.
Ali straightened. “I mean it, Levi. Not tonight.”
“This is bullshit.” He leaped up. “We just killed it out there and you want to put us on lockdown? Well, newsflash, Portman, you can go fu—”
“Levi!” I snapped. “He’s right. We can hang on the bus, order in, and play cards.”
Or get some sleep, which was all I wanted to do.
“Fine, whatever,” he grumbled, and relief spread through me that he wasn’t going to fight me on this. “I only wanted to celebrate. She deserves it.”
That had me frowning. Alistair shifted uncomfortably, clearing his throat. “It was supposed to be a need to know basis,” he glowered at Levi, “but since he brought it up, I’m going to tell you. Eva has accepted the label’s offer of representation. It isn’t official yet, so I’d appreciate it if you can keep this between the four of you for now.”
I felt so many things at once, I didn’t know what to think.
I was happy, so fucking happy for Eva. She deserved this. But my happiness was tangled up in a web of fear and trepidation.
“Levi’s right, we should celebrate,” Hudson said, surprising everyone in the room. “What?” he added at our expressions of disbelief. “I’m over it. If anyone deserves it, it’s Eva.”
“No clubs, not tonight. Duke wants us on the road as soon as possible. Celebrations will have to wait.”
“Actually, they don’t.” Hudson smirked. “I have an idea."
“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?” Alistair groaned, rubbing a hand over his face.
“Just hear me out, okay?”
For the next ten minutes, Hudson revealed his plans to us. To our surprise, Alistair had gone for it. If it meant us being on the bus and not roaming downtown LA causing trouble, he was all in.
“Do you think she’ll go for it?” Damon asked me as we made our way back to the bus.
“Maybe.” I went to grab the handrail, but he stopped me.
“About last night—”
“Let’s not do this right now.” I let out a heavy sigh. “He needed her, and she was there.”
“Jesus, Rafe, you’re a better man than me. I’m not sure I could have watched that.” He made it sound like I’d walked in on them having sex. But I knew what he meant, and Damon was right. In some ways, seeing Levi curled into Eva hurt more.
“Tonight is about Eva, the rest can wait,” I said before ducking onto the bus. If we were really doing this, time was against us.
“Oh my…” Eva covered her face with her hands as she moved into the bus. We all stood there like idiots, streamers everywhere and a few random balloons taped to the wall. Hudson and Levi had even scrawled ‘congratulations’ on a homemade banner.
“We’re celebrating.” Hudson slung his arm around her neck and dragged her closer to us. “Alistair told us the news, congratulations, Eva.” He kissed her cheek and she blushed; a deep shade of pink that was so fucking adorable I wanted to see where else on her body I could turn that color.
“Congratulations, Eva.” Damon pulled a party popper before pulling her in for a hug.
“I can’t believe you guys did all this.” Letty smiled, pride glittering in her eyes.
“If a few streamers and pizzas get you all excited, Let, I feel very sorry for the guy you end up with.”
“Fuck you,” she said, punching Hudson in the shoulder.
“There’s cake,” Levi added. “Don’t forget about the cake.”
Eva leaned in, inspecting the tray bake. “Does that say Happy Bar Mitzvah Kenny?”
“Do you have any idea how hard it is getting a cake at eleven thirty in downtown LA?” Hudson chuckled. “Pretty fucking hard. But the lovely lady at Cakes ‘n’ Shakes had this bad boy going to waste. Bar Mitzvah or no Bar Mitzvah, it tastes good.” He stuck his finger in the frosting and dragged it along the edge before pushing it toward Eva’s lips. She jerked back, fighting him off, but Hudson gave chase, her soft laughter filling the bus.
“I’ll take your word for it. You guys, this is…” Her eyes found mine, silently telling me all the things I wouldn’t get to hear, at least, not while we were with everyone.
“Did you bring your overnight stuff?” Damon asked Letty, and Eva frowned.
“Overnight—” Just then, the bus rumbled to life and her eyes widened. “We’re moving, why are we moving?”
“Welcome to the party bus,” Hudson winked. “You and Letty can take the second bedroom since we finally got rid of Alistair. We’d give you the first but well...”
“I’ve heard about that bedroom.” Eva rose a brow at him. “The second one is fine.”
“A drink for the lady.” Damon handed Eva a plastic flute of champagne. We’d given Fenton and Jake a list of supplies to get from the twenty-four-hour gas station on the next block.
“Just when I think life can’t get any stranger,” Eva slid into the bench and everyone filed in around her. “I find myself on the tour bus with a rock band drinkin’ champagne and eating pizza. Cheers, everyone.” She lifted her flute, and we all followed suit.
“To Eva,” Damon said.
“To Eva.” Our voices echoed through the bus.
“And to livin’ for the music,” Eva added.
“Hear, fucking hear.” Hudson downed his beer and slammed it on the counter. “Anyone for another?”
“I’ll take another soda.” Levi shook his empty. Our eyes connected and I gave him a reassuring nod. Every day he didn’t reach for a bottle of liquor, a handful of pills, or a line of coke was progress. Even if his newest remedy was Eva.
We all dug into the pizza, eating like we’d never tasted tomato and cheese before. Eating on tour was a funny thing. You either wanted to devour everything in sight, or didn’t have time, energy, or the stomach for food. Given how quickly we went through four large pizzas and various sides, it was safe to say we were all in the former camp tonight.
“That was so good.” Eva rubbed her stomach. “I think I’m in a food coma.”
“None of that. The night is still young and we have games to play,” Hudson said.
“Games?” She smothered a yawn. “I’m not sure I have energy for games.”
“Eva, Eva, Eva, you’re killing me here. We wanted to take you out on the town but Alistair-Wouldn’t-Know-What-Fun-Is-If-It-Hit-Him-In-The-Ass pulled the manager card and put us on lockdown, so here we are.”
“Hey, give a girl some credit. Until a couple of months ago, I was just a high schooler tryin’ to get through senior year.”
“How’d your parents take it?” Damon asked. “It couldn’t have been easy letting you quit senior year.”
A sad expression washed over Eva. If anyone else noticed, they didn’t say. I saw it though. “It’s the dream, right? And I’m eighteen. Besides, I have a lifetime to get my GED.”
Her words felt forced. Fake, even. Damon’s words about her parents swam around my head. But it wasn’t the time or place to ask her.
“I can’
t even remember what it was like to be in high school.” Levi kicked his feet up onto an empty chair. “I can remember fucking hating that place with every breath though. Remember, Rafe, it should have been me keeping your ass in class, but it was always you dragging me there.”
“It wasn’t that long ago,” Eva said, nibbling the last slice of pizza.
“Long enough, Angel.” Levi used the nickname so easily now, but it was still like a punch to the gut every time it rolled off his tongue. Damon caught my eye. I dropped my gaze, unwilling to go there.
“School had its uses,” Hudson added. “I learned a lot from the senior girls back in the day.”
“Ugh, gross,” Letty fake gagged, but it only spurred him on. He made a V with his fingers and licked the air. “Can it, Ryker. We don’t know where that has been.” She balled up a napkin and threw it at him.
“You’re just jealous because it’s never been on you,” he teased.
“Yeah, that must be it.” She rolled her eyes, murmuring, “I can’t believe I ever thought you were the hottest member of the band. Pig.”
“Lighten up, Letty. Sounds like you need a good hard—”
“Ryker,” my brother hissed. “Shut the fuck up. If Eva doesn’t want to play a game, we don’t have to play a game. It’s her night, her rules.” Everyone’s eyes slid to Eva and she shrank into the bench. “So, Angel, what would you like to do?”
She tapped the end of her nose and then pointed to the corner of the ceiling. “Does that work?”
Quiet laughter rumbled in my chest. Here she was, in the middle of a tour bus with four rock stars and Evangeline Star Walker wanted to watch a film.
“Do we even have any DVDs?” Hudson asked.
“I think there’s a box in that overhead bin somewhere.” Damon got up and went to find a movie.