by Robin Hart
N: Yeah, probably. No one told me about it, but the photographer seemed to know what to do. My agent handled everything.
S: Man that sounds so spiffy, you have an agent.
N: Spiffy? Wow.
S: people say spiffy, right?
N: No. Not since the 30s.
S: Exaggerate much?
N: Fine. The 90s?
S: Better. I’ll be a child of the 90s any day. Bring on the Teenage mutant ninja turtle phase again.
N: Bleh
S: What? Those were good years.
N: Not for me.
S: What?
N: Well except for my time with you. I’m so glad we were friends, but I’m not one of those people who look back at childhood with nostalgia. I would never go back.
S: Really?
N: Being an adult is great. You are an equal. You don’t have to depend on anyone, unless you want to. When you are a child you don’t get to pick the people you have to depend on, and you have no way to change your life in any important way without them.
S: Them being parents?
N: Yeah.
S: Listen, Nicole. What happened back then?
N: What do you mean?
S: you were so sad sometimes. And you up and moved out without much warning. I know something must have been going on. I guess I know what you mean about preferring to be an adult, because as a kid I could never ask you. I know I was too young to do anything about it even if you told me.
N: I don’t know that there is any point talking about it now. Of course you’ve probably guessed some of it.
S: I have, from little comments here and there. I know someone hurt you, and the only person you lived with was your dad.
N:I can’t do this. I need to go to bed.
S: I’m sorry. I was just hoping to understand a little better.
N: Well don’t.
S: Sorry. Someone once told me women want to be understood, while men want to be accepted. But I won’t push you.
N: you already did. Now I feel like crap.
S: I guess today at the wedding was pretty upsetting too right?
N: yeah. He called me a slut.
S: …
N: I know.
S: I could kill him for you.
N: Ha ha
S: I’m serious.
N: I think I’m realizing that. You would really go so far for me?
S: I’d do anything for you.
N: Why?
S: Why shouldn’t I? You’re my friend. You’re a good person. You’ve always been there for me.
N: Oh.
S: I mean, who else would have saved my butt so many times? No one else even wanted to be my friend. And you kept in touch.
N: Yeah, I’m glad I did.
S: Yeah. It might not be a normal friendship, but I think what we have is really great Nicole.
N: Me too. It’s really different. Most people have to see each other and talk to each other and we have something really special because we didn’t need any of that.
S: Yeah. I wonder why that is, because I would have loved to have seen and talked to you.
N: maybe because for some reason this made it easier for us to have something different than anyone else did. Maybe if it had been any more contact than this, we could have fought, or had issues with the other person’s life, or how they were changing.
S: Maybe. Regardless I’ve loved it.
N: Me too.
S: I love you buddy.
N: Aw, you too Sean.
S: So what happened next with Jake? I hope you had a snappy comeback.
N: Not really. I slapped him when he said he helped me learn about men, but shortly after that Sean took over. I set him straight about him being in the wrong with how he treated me, and then I left, and that’s pretty much it.
S: Sean? Do you mean your escort?
N: Oh yeah, John.
S: :P
N: It’s hard to keep straight. He looks like you, and in some ways acts like you, and his name is John, which frankly rhymes and makes it hard to keep you two distinct.
S: Understandable I guess.
N: Sometimes I wish you WERE around to punch people.
S: Me too. Maybe we’ll have to meet sometime?
N: That’s a great idea.
S: I don’t know. What about our special ‘different’ friendship?
N: I don’t know.
S: Well there’s no rush. After all you have all the male company right now that you could want. And this way you’ll have someone to vent to about it.
N: Thanks. You’re the best.
S: : )
N: What?
S: Ha ha you know that’s like any man’s favorite thing to hear right?
N: Really?
S: Yeah we all want to be the best
N: Isn’t that just to the woman you’re interested in?
S: Ha ha. Usually. But it’s not bad from your best friend either.
N: Good. Glad to help.
S: My hero
N: *flexes muscles*
S: Ha ha, so you’re super buff then?
N: No. :P
S: you should work on that, so more Jakes don’t get away with just a slap.
N: I’d have only done a slap either way. Violence isn’t my thing, but a slap says it all.
S: Yup. Female displeasure is a killer in and of itself.
N: Of course.
S: Do I get to flex too?
N: You have anything to flex with twerp?
S: Hm, I don’t know. More than you probably.
N: Oh?
S: I AM a guy Nick
N: don’t call me that.
S: My bad. *wink*
N: *rolleyes*
S: Rude.
N: Well I guess it’s time for bed.
S: I suppose.
N: sleep well?
S: You too. Use those muscles to fight off the bedbugs.
N: Gross.
S: Yeah, that’s why you need your muscles.
N: Would you fight them for me?
S: Sure I would. Would be kind of inappropriate for me to be in your bed though.
N: True that.
S: But if you insisted
N: go to bed!
S: You first.
N: Fine. Goodnight.
S: Sweet dreams.
N: Unlikely.
S: :(
N: lol. Goodnight. Love you.
S: You too.
Nicole is offline.
Sean is offline.
Sean sat back in his chair with an extended sigh of relief. He’d thought he was done when he’d typed ‘my hero’, the exact same thing he’d said earlier in the day as John. That was close. Was he trying to get caught? Well he wouldn’t put it past his subconscious given how much he hated deceiving Nicole. Maybe he was trying to slip up so it would all be over.
But he didn’t want it to be over. Nicole was being more open to him than ever before. He’d almost even gotten her to confide in him about what happened when she was younger. He hoped someday she’d feel like she could share that. Not for him, but for her. Carrying it around on your own couldn’t be easy. He’d happily take half the burden, or however much he could. But he knew he couldn’t really take any of it.
Maybe once she worked through all of that though, she’d be able to stop going for such bad guys, wouldn’t need to hire escorts anymore. Then what?
It’s not like he could just automatically go and meet up with her after that. Would he have to wait another decade so that she didn’t recognize him when they met up? It would be agony, after getting to see her so much, but he could do it. He’d been through worse.
He wouldn’t be able to be the man to benefit from her newly improved taste in men, but it would be enough just getting to hear from her how much happier she was, being with a man who treated her well and loved her the way she deserved. He was sure the happiness he would have knowing he’d in some way been a part of that would be enough for him. He smiled and
got up to get ready for bed, burying any uneasiness, any jealousy, any worry, under that distant future happiness and slept well that night.
Across town, Nicole narrowed her eyes at the screen, scrolling through the conversation after they had both logged off. How stupid could he have been? Was he trying to get caught, saying the exact same thing John had said earlier? She thought she’d almost given away that she knew when she didn’t say anything about it. He seemed not to notice. She should have known Sean was just not suited to being a sneak and a liar. It was one of the things she respected most about him. It was easy to learn to be a good liar, if someone wanted to. It was hard to have developed the moral integrity that made it difficult or impossible to practice, and Sean had that in spades.
She wondered why she kept asking him if he would stand up for her. It had never mattered before. She didn’t want it to matter now. She turned off the computer and stood, looking around the dark living room. It was the perfect space for one person. She moved to the window to look out. She watched the water play on the beach below, the waves in the moonlight begging her to come out and walk into them, just keep walking till she met the horizon. But she knew that hobos owned the beach at night. Some day if she found the right person, they could go walk there together. Maybe after this whole host thing was over she could go there with Sean.
She stayed at the window watching the water, enjoying the way the moonlight created silver ribbons at the crest of the waves right before they crashed into the shore. She enjoyed how dark and silent it was. She opened the window a bit and breathed in the sea breeze, imagining she was out in it, that she lived in a world where a woman could just walk where she wanted, when she wanted, without needing any other person there to prevent bodily harm. It wasn’t fair.
She closed the window, shut the curtains, and turned to go up the stairs to bed. But it was hours before she slept, and those hours were spent contemplating whether it was worse to stay inside your whole life or take a risk and love someone.
Chapter 5: Risks
When Sean woke up the next morning he felt like calling his mother. It’d been months. Something about this charade with Nicole made him lonely. He grabbed his phone off the bedside table and checked to make sure it was an acceptable time to call. It was, so he rolled out of bed, feeling groggy from sleeping in too late, and walked into the kitchen and sat at the counter. He scrolled through the contacts on his phone until his mother’s number came up and then dialed it.
“Hello?”
“Hi mom.”
“Sean?”
“Yeah.”
“How are you doing honey?”
“Good.”
“It’s great to hear from you. What are you up to? Any ladies yet?”
“No.” He said. “Well, just the usual.”
“Well hurry up and get me some grandbabies.” She said. “Wait, what do you mean the usual? You don’t mean Nicole…”
He could hear the exasperation in his mother’s voice.
His mother just didn’t understand. And she didn’t need to. Some men seemed like they could fall in love with anyone, and moved from girl to girl like cheese tasting. Sean felt he was one of those men who loved only once, and intensely. Any woman wasn’t enough. Just like he’d wanted a best friend, not a group of friends, there was just this one girl who fit him perfectly. But what could he do if he had to choose between settling for something else and being alone forever? He had no idea what would be worse.
“Well.”
“Sean.” His mother sighed into the phone. “I understand why you feel the way you do. Well, no I don’t, but I’ll try to. I just don’t see why don’t just let her live her own life and move on with yours.”
“I have moved on with mine. I work at the dojang. I have friends. I’m happy.”
“Really? You have friends, or you have people that are acquaintances that you keep at arms length because they aren’t Nicole.”
He thought before he answered. The guys at the dojang would probably like to hang out more than he did. People in general easily saw him as friend material, but lately he’d been very focused on his new ‘job’, and on the whole Nicole situation. Usually it was just letters, just something in the background of his life that made him wistful for something more. But lately it had become a lot more.
“I guess you’re right.” He said. “I have been neglecting my friends.”
“You don’t want to make the mistake of ditching your friends over a girl and have no one left when things with the girl go south.”
Sean felt that was assuming things go south, because if they went right and you had the girl, then it would be worth it and you might not even notice whether your friends were around or not.
“I know.” He said. “How’s dad?”
“He’s good.” She said. “Would you like to talk to your father?”
“Sure.” He said. “Love you mom.”
“I love you too Sean. Take care. We are always thinking of you, praying for you.”
“Thank you. You too, to all of the above.”
“No problem.” She said, and he could hear her shout away from the phone. “Walt! It’s Sean!”
“Coming!” His dad said in a voice far enough from the phone to be muffled.
“Well hi there, Sean.” His dad said, sounding jovial. “What’s doin’?”
“Not much.” Sean said. His dad sounded relieved to be granted a reprieve from his boredom by their conversation.
“Mom says you’re stir crazy.”
“That I am. Ain’t no reason a man should retire, ‘cept he’s got something to do.”
“So why did you then?”
“Well I could, and general wisdom is that you just do.” He said. “Thought it’d be good to have time with your mother.”
“Well, now you do.”
“Yes.” He said. “And I never would have thought that there could be an excess of time with her. Thing is we just aren’t used to being around each other for so much of the day.”
“Makes sense.” Sean said. “Have you thought of travelling?”
“Yes.” Walt said. “But even if I have enough money to retire, that doesn’t mean we can afford fancy vacations.”
“Yes you could.” His mother’s voice called faintly from the living room.
“Alright, well, I’m the one who’s always earned the money, she’s the one who watches it, so I guess she’d know. It just doesn’t work out in my head sometimes, that we won’t just run out now that I’m not earning any.”
“Dad, you’ve worked your whole life.” He said. “Don’t you deserve a break?”
His dad paused for a moment, leaving a scratchy silence on the phone for a while. “I guess so. I don’t know that anyone ever should deserve a break. Maybe people just need to work, son.”
“Maybe. I know I feel better when I work.”
“Speaking of which, how are things at the dojang?”
“Fine. Hired a couple of new teachers, so I have some more free time now.”
“About time. When you first started martial arts I thought it was a waste of time just to impress a girl. But you’ve really made something of it, proved me wrong.”
“Ah. Well I try.”
“Scamp.”
“Dad, I’m six foot four.”
“You’ll always be scamp to me, son.”
“I love you too dad.”
His dad grunted gruffly in response, mumbled something that may have been an endearment but was purposefully disguised so as to not be mushy or embarrassing.
“Anything else new?”
“What else would there be?”
“Well, come on now, Sean.” He said. “Couldn’t there for once be a lady friend for us to talk about?”
“Well, there is, sort of.”
“Oh, who?”
“Just a girl I met at work.”
“Not Nicole then.” Walt said. “Splendid.”
Sean let him think so.
“Tell us
about her.”
“Not much to tell, there’s only been one date.”
Sean could hear his mother whisper-yelling at his dad to ask for details, and complaining about not being told while she was on the phone with him.
“One date is great. One date is all it takes.” Walt laughed.
“Well, we’ll see.”
“Think there’ll be another one? That one date comment wasn’t a suggestion to do anything you shouldn’t on a first date by the way.”
“I know dad.” He said. “Sheesh. I’m the last person you have to worry about going too fast, you know that.”
“I know.” His dad said. “But then again what if you are just a late bloomer and once you find a lady you take off like a slingshot and go way overboard because you’ve never had practice to build up control.”
Sean breathed slowly out into the receiver so that his dad could hear his aggravated sigh.
“I’m rolling my eyes now dad.” He said. “Besides, with parents like you to raise me, how could you trust me so little?”
“We trust you son.” He said. “It’s just that you’re nothing like either of us. You’re so much better than we were at your age. We don’t know what to expect from you.”
“I see.”
“And sometimes we just worry that you never had your wild phase, never got to have fun, sow wild oats as it were.”
“Why would anyone sow wild oats? You can’t harvest them.”
“Spoken like a farmer. Be that as it may, you should at least be tempted to.”
“Well, I’m not.” He said. “You raised me well enough to know the consequences, and that makes it very unattractive.”
“We just want you to be happy son.”
“You want me to be happy in the way that would make you happy.” He thought of Nicole, the one person that would make him happy. His parents would never accept that as a route to happiness for him. He’d disappoint them if he had to, to make himself and Nicole happy.
“Now son,” His dad said. “I know we’re very vocal about what we want from you. But don’t believe for a moment we would ever want you to take that over what you really want if you know that’s what will make you happy.
“Well then stop pressuring me about girls.”
“Okay.”
“Even if you’re bored.”
“Alright.”
“Alright dad. Thanks for talking. It was great hearing from you. Call me anytime if you need to stave off boredom.”