by Robin Hart
He looked at the phone for a long moment. Then texted “Sure. Where are u?”
He flipped the phone around in his hand, and felt a cool breeze wash over him, a sure sign that the afternoon was turning to evening. He stood to feel it all across his body. He took off his gi top to be cooler.
“Whoa there.” A female voice said.
Sean jumped, flipped around to see who said it. A girl was crossing the street. A typical tae kwon do girl, tall, thin, in a gi. He supposed she was pretty, in a ‘not Nicole’ kind of way. He tried to force any thought of Nicole out of his mind to fairly evaluate this woman.
She came closer and stuck a hand out for him. She had round, frank green eyes, and a small mouth. Nothing like Nicole’s almond eyes and wide, luscious—stop it! Sean tried to look normal. He leaned with a hand against the tree but came off balance and stumbled to the side. He caught himself with a hand on the ground, but it was too late to look cool.
The woman laughed. It was friendly and pleasant. She held a hand out but he just sat on the ground.
“I’m already down. Want to join me?” He patted the grass by him, liking this girl.
“Sure.” She plopped down. “You gotta warn a girl before you take that top off, that’s lethal right there.”
His heart sank. He was gross, huh? Should have warned someone before letting his sweaty-
“Don’t look like that, I mean that you’re hot.”
He looked up at her, shocked. Too shocked to realize his phone just went off in the grass next to him.
“You have a text.” She pointed with a long finger. Sean thought he could get used to a tall girl around. She was nice. Good friend material. Made him feel better about himself than Nicole-wait-text? He grabbed the phone. He looked at the girl first, who seemed a little disappointed that he was going to look at the text instead of talking to her. This was one of the reasons Sean avoided tech so much. It was rude to ignore people in person for people who weren’t there and might also be ignoring someone in person, wherever they were. This is why even cell phones were dumb, why should you talk to someone when you aren’t-
“So you a competitor?” The girl said, twirling grass between her fingers on the ground. “What’s your name?”
“Sean Rollins.” He said, chucking the phone down without checking it. “And you are?”
“Angela.” She said, smiling at him. He liked her nose. It was straight, long, pretty. Very much the girl next door. Very normal, very not Nicole. He looked down to her belt, noting with approval that it was black with two degrees.
“My face is up here.” She said.
Sean looked up, about to explain himself but she stopped him. “I’m kidding. I know you were looking at my belt.”
“Second degree huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Training for nationals, too?”
“No, just here helping with reffing and coaching a student.”
“Ah.” He said.
“You?”
“Nationals.” He said. “Why, do I look too old?”
“No.” She said, scrunching up her nose. “I mean too old in the TKD world is different from too old in the rest of the world, except for maybe gymnastics, but I think you look fine. As you know.”
Sean puffed up a bit. He wondered if he should puff down, but remembered Nicole had said that women like confidence. “Yeah, you aren’t the only one.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“I mean, my bare chest is basically a national threat. I thought I was safe out here and wouldn’t put anyone at risk of fainting if I took off my shirt-but…well.” He shrugged, and she laughed, putting her hand over her stomach.
“How are you going to make it up to me?”
Gosh, was it this easy to talk to women? This one was basically lining it up for him to ask her out. He should have tried this sooner. Not whipping off his shirt in public, but maybe just…being friendlier.
“I don’t know.” He said. “Ice cream?” He stood and held a hand out to her. She took it and stood up. She was only a few inches shorter than him, putting her around 6 feet tall. He approved.
“That sounds like a good start.”
“Great. I know a good place just down the street.”
“Ice cream during training?” She said, putting her hands on her thin hips. “Scandalous.”
“I know!” He said. “I’m a bad boy I guess.”
“Ooh. I like that.” She said. “Kind of a rare thing in TKD.”
“Oof, really? Are we all such straight arrows?”
“Usually.” She said. She looked around the parking lot. “Which one is yours?”
“I thought we’d walk.”
“In this heat?” She folded her arms.
“Hey, there’s a nice breeze.” He said, walking ahead and hoping she’d follow. “And remember, I’m in training, if I’m going to eat ice cream you have to help me work it off.”
“Oh, I’m so down for that.”
He didn’t know what she meant and looked at her as she caught up to him. She winked at him, heightening his confusion.
“I can already tell you’re adorable.” She said. She grabbed his arm and pulled him along.
Nicole looked out at the setting sun from her bedroom window, then down at her phone. He’d been sending almost immediate replies by text, then stopped, and hadn’t responded. It was growing darker outside and she felt slightly worried. She’d wanted a chance to talk with him about her date, selfishly wanted to ask for his help, so she’d been relieved that he’d asked something similar in return. Had he changed his mind? Was he not ready to date someone else yet? That was a huge step for him, and she’d been proud, if a little preoccupied with her Ben issue to really think through how she felt about it.
She sat on the bedspread, admired how the blue looked steely in the setting sun and waited. The phone finally vibrated and she grabbed it, flipped it open, and froze.
“Too late! I found one.”
Her shoulders fell. The room’s silence hung around her gloomily. No excuse to talk to him now. Maybe he’d still listen about her date though.
“Can we still talk for bit? I need advice.”
“Sure. Is tomorrow good? My night just got tied up.”
“Sure. Text me tomorrow.” She sent the text and felt it wasn’t friendly enough, so followed it up with one that said, “And congrats by the way. Have a good night.” She closed the phone and lay back on the bed, she pulled up her laptop on to her lap and looked for something to do online. She felt lonely in a way she never had before. She looked at the phone, which sat silent on the bed.
Too late, indeed.
Sean was feeling good by the time he dropped Angela off. It’d been a good night, all in all, he couldn’t complain. She’d been easy to talk to, fun, and hadn’t seemed to mind that he compulsively mentioned his best friend who happened to be a good-looking female. He grinned, striding inside his house, turning the lights on, even getting a drink of water felt a little better. He sat on one of his stools, trying to pin down why.
It was the way she had looked at him. Like she wanted him. Like he was the only guy around. Like he was hot, not some kind of monster, as Nicole seemed to look at him sometimes. He liked her green eyes that turned brownish when you got closer. The way she occasionally touched his arm, casually, as if she hadn’t meant to. It was a lot different from the girls at the club, he thought, but that thought triggered something vaguely off about her. No. She just wasn’t Nicole and nothing was going to change that. He couldn’t do anything about it. She’d seemed like she wanted to be kissed when he dropped her off but he wasn’t in the mood, and he had resolved not to use her as a rebound, tempting as that was.
Just being wanted was so nice. He looked at the clock over the sink for the time. Eight forty five. Not too late to text Nicole. He pulled out his phone and looked down at it. There were three texts, one saying goodnight and congrats, and one more asking if he was still up.
He felt bad h
e hadn’t been able to talk to her earlier, but there needed to be some kind of boundary. He texted back, yes, I’m home, did you still want to talk? He headed upstairs to get ready for bed in case she said no. He was barely at his bedroom when his phone vibrated.
“Sure. Can you go online?”
Sean shrugged at her wanting to chat rather than meet up and talk. Honestly most of their communication had been written, why would it change now? He wondered if she’d ask about his date. He hoped so.
“Sure. I’ll be on in 10.”
He stumbled into the bathroom, pulling off his shirt as he went. He wanted to be all ready for bed in case she wanted to talk late, then he could just fall into bed right after.
He looked at himself in the mirror for a minute before washing his face. He flexed his abs, then turned around and flexed his back. Oh yeah, peak shape. He looked at the little dark trail of hair that led into his pants and wondered if he should shave it, if a girl would think it was gross if she saw it. He wasn’t a very hairy guy, despite his dark complexion, probably from his Asian part, so his chest hair was pretty negligible. He’d noticed the other guys at the club often shaved off their chest hair and had wondered if he was some kind of abomination for never thinking of doing the same. Wasn’t that the whole point of being accepted? Being wanted just how you were?
Still, he thought, running his hands over the scratchy hair, he might actually have a woman seeing him naked soon. That thought stilled his hand and he looked up at his reflection in horror. He had no idea how to deal with that eventuality. He scratched his chest, then his head, thinking to himself. He didn’t know how you dealt with a girl like Angela who seemed to know exactly what she wanted from you. He’d always sort of pictured that happening with Nicole, and only after they were married, so it was weird to think of something casual now. Realizing it was probably time to get online, he hurriedly washed his face, enjoying the cold water and then the rough toweling off afterwards.
He continued to towel his hair as he sat on the computer chair, shirtless. He logged in and waited for his chat program to start up, then realizing he was still in his jeans, got up and replaced them with soft flannel pajama pants. He thought this was a good look for him, showing off his chest and abs, and sort of wished they were video chatting, but knew the nudity might freak her out. Who was he kidding? He didn’t know what would freak her out sexually, it was just sort of a general hunch that everything did. If so, what did that say about him that he was attracted to someone like her rather than someone like Angela? Did he have his own sexual problems? His penis didn’t think so. He got hard normally. He assumed that it would function properly when the time came. He’d masturbated occasionally and that’d worked fine, if empty and pathetic enough that he was sure it wasn’t worth it, ever.
A chat bubble popped up with Nicole’s username.
N: Hi
S: that was fast.
N: Sorry. You still getting ready?
S: No, just finished.
N: great.
S: So what did you want to talk about?
N: how was your date?
S: Good, how was yours?
Sean smiled, she had asked. Maybe she did care, after all. But mentioning her date made him too angry to care again.
N: Interesting.
S: Interesting? Is that good or bad?
N: I dunno. I’m not sure I’m cut out for dating normal guys.
S: What do you mean?
N: I don’t know.
S: you seem down ;(
N: is that a winky sad face?
S: no I meant to do a normal sad face.
N: oh lol.
S: yeah lame.
N: Tell me more about your date? I’d rather talk about that.
S: not much to tell. She’s nice. Met her at the dojang. She saw me take my shirt off and that caught her attention.
N I would imagine
S ?
S what do you mean?
N just that it would be sort of attention getting.
S why?
N stop fishing for compliments.
S boo
N What’s she like?
S I don’t know her that well yet…
N fine, what does she look like?
S like her face?
N like all of her
S hm.
S brown hair, green eyes. Tall, thin. Maybe 6 ft, so I guess that might be part of why she’s interested in me.
N part of it, probably. That’s huge.
S ?
S huge like bad?
N no, I was just being rude. That’s just really tall for a girl
S I see.
N is she white?
S very
N …
N is she pretty?
S ha ha what?
N is she pretty?
S yes. I guess you would say so. I’m not sure how you are defining that.
N do you think she’s pretty?
S Yes. I do.
N is she prettier than me?
S what?
N never mind
S you sure?
N yeah I was just being stupid.
S she isn’t prettier than you.
N whew, good.
S ? Why does it matter
N I have a rep to keep up?
S well, I don’t think anyone is prettier than you. ;)
S that wink was on purpose.
N ooh. Nice. Flattery will get you everywhere with me.
I wish, Sean thought.
S noted.
N so she seemed interested? Do you have another date planned?
S no.
N what? *Eyeroll*
S why, was I supposed to already? I only just met her.
N usually you decide by the end of the date if you want another one. Poor girl, doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.
S yeah she does. She said I’m adorable.
N really?
N well then.
S what?
N is adorable really what you want to be called?
S so if you are supposed to decide by the first date if you want another one, are you going out with *Sean almost typed douche bag, but deleted it in time* your date again?
N I don’t know. He did ask though. He knows how to play the game
S I bet.
N what is that supposed to mean?
S nothing
N do you know something about him? Are you not telling me something
S whoa miss paranoia, no I don’t. I was just being sarcastic. Most guys know the game, don’t they? Otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten a first date with you.
N darn straight
N maybe I should try someone who doesn’t know the game though. I think I’m tired of the game.
S really?
N yeah
N and I just don’t trust my judgment
S how do you mean?
N like, I feel yucky about this guy
N sorry if this is TMI for you, I guess you probably don’t want to hear about my dates.
S no I do, go on.
N you are a good friend. Better than I deserve probably
S eyeroll. Anyway you were saying
N if you do an action you should put *’s around it
S my bad…
S stop changing the subject
N why do you want to talk about it so bad? Trying to dodge the topic of your date?
S not at all. You can tell me what you want and then if you still have questions you can ask them
N okay. My instincts just don’t really trust him.
S hm.
N I know, my instincts have failed majorly in the past. So I’m trying to trust him, to give him a chance
S don’t trust him more than he earns
N is there a point to trust if it’s only earned?
S good point. Stop being tricky
N I can’t. It’s like I waited all day to talk to you about this, and now I feel too awkward to. I feel like I don’t
have any right to.
S I don’t know if anyone has a right to friendship, nevertheless people put up with us. I put up with you.
N thanks.
S you put up with me
N true. It’s sooo rough too. :/
S I don’t know what you mean by that, and I’m going to ignore it. :P
N fine.
S so tell me more, what is it you don’t like about this guy?
N I just feel off about him, but truthfully, that could be a good sign
S how so?
N well I’m attracted to the wrong guys. I-fine I’ll just tell you all of it.
N I don’t know how much you picked up on as a kid, but you must have known things weren’t good with my dad
S *nods*
S go on I’m listening
N well, I think that now that I’m grown up, I keep ending up with people like him, attracted to people like him
S what happened with him Nicole?
N I’m not ready to go that far yet
N but just believe me when I say that I don’t trust my instincts. Anyway going to the club, meeting up with you again, has all felt like training to be attracted to the right kind of guys
S sounds good to me
N but now I can’t tell if this guy turns me off because of my issues or because I’m more able to spot creepers now. I just know I’m not very attracted to him
S how so
N well, he kissed me
S the blaggard!
N I know, not a big deal right? I’m overreacting, huh?
S not necessarily.
S did you want him to kiss you?
N no
N but I didn’t stop him. I just froze up. I was sure you’d want me to give a nice guy a chance.
S and is he a nice guy?
N he’s done nothing that shows him to be otherwise.
S that’s good, I guess
N you guess?
S I don’t know. I’m not sure what to tell you
N I know, sorry for putting this on you.
S it’s okay. It’s just that today I realized that I’ve always been lecturing you about your taste in men and I realized today I don’t know anything about choosing a good woman.
N sorry
S it’s not your fault, I just never focused on myself. And I, well, was always so into you that I didn’t try looking around. So I don’t feel like I have any right to lecture anymore
N I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time