by Robin Hart
Sean snapped his head back to Ben. He cracked his knuckles in his lap, not to be menacing, but to keep himself from flying across the room at him.
“Are you?” Sean said. He felt adrenaline rise as Ben stared back at him. “I just don’t think you’re worth talking to.”
“Whoa there big guy.” Justin waved a hand at Sean and shook his head at Ben. “I’m sorry about my friend here. He can be blunt sometimes.” Sean took back the gratitude he’d been feeling towards Justin earlier. Traitor.
“Why don’t you just shut up.” Ben said to Justin.
Sean started to rise in his chair but Justin turned to him so that Ben couldn’t see his face and mouthed ‘what are you doing’. Sean remembered the whole point of the night. If he scared Ben away they’d have no way to look after Nicole, to make sure she was okay.
“Alright.” Sean said, settling back in his chair. “Why don’t we all just calm down.” He looked sideways at Ben. “I’m sorry for being rude. Honestly? I’m a bit jealous. Nicole doesn’t date just anyone.”
Justin, noticing how the other man seemed to relax at that, chimed in. “Yeah, she’s rejected him tons of times.” He pointed with a thumb at Sean, who frowned.
Ben looked at him, and Sean could see that although he wasn’t smiling, he was planning to. His eyes lit in a different way than they’d been since he’d come in.
“That makes sense.” Ben said, sitting back and picking at the buttons on his blue button up. He held his head a little higher, pushed back his fine brown hair off his forehead.
Sean looked at Justin, silently asking him, ‘can’t I kill him’ and Justin shook his head in response, looking tired.
“Are you thirsty?” Justin asked Ben. “Nicole must have forgotten to offer you a drink.”
“Yes.” Ben said, watching the ladies room to see if there was any sign of Nicole. “Vodka tonic.”
“Sorry, the bar is non-alcoholic.”
“What?” Ben looked at him, then at the bar, with genuine confusion. “Fine, anything then.” Ben stared at Sean again and Sean couldn’t shake the feeling that he amused him.
Ben was thinking that this must be the best friend. This was the guy he was going to enjoy ruining. How quickly the night had gone from pathetic to interesting. It would be fun to mess with him.
“Sean, will you help me get drinks for the group?” Justin said, rising and sticking out a hand to help Sean up if needed.
Sean surprised himself by grabbing it and standing up quickly. “Sure.”
Sean moved to the counter and drummed his fingers against it while he waited for Justin to pull out drinks.
The girls entered the bathroom, and of course bypassed the idea of using the toilets and went straight for the mirror. All of them knew that ‘I have to go to the restroom’ was lady speak for ‘I need to check myself out for a good long while and fix anything that may have gone awry’.
Nicole looked at the mirror and frowned. The creases from her forehead tension and at the corners of her mouth had made indents into her powder, just barely noticeable but noticeable all the same. She looked in her purse for foundation while she saw Cheri apply lipstick.
“You’re really laying it on thick for Sean tonight.” The one with Black hair said beside her. She didn’t have any makeup on like the others, but didn’t seem to need it. Not that Nicole did either. Sometimes it just felt comforting. Like war paint.
“I know.” Cheri said. “He’s so fun to tease.” She moved a manicured finger over her lip line to clean it up. “I wonder where he’s been all this time.”
“It’s only been a month.” Nicole said, still looking through her bag.
“Is that it?” Cheri smiled at her. “I’m Cheri by the way. I know I’ve seen you around the club, so if I’ve already introduced myself, I apologize.”
“I’m Randy.” The black haired girl said.
“No apologies necessary.” Nicole said. “I’m Nicole. I’m still pretty new here, and there are a lot of faces. Not to mention-” She looked up and smiled at the girls. “How hard it is to focus on the women here with all of the gorgeous men around.” Even if there was really only one gorgeous man in her eyes, and he seemed to take up all of her attention. She wished he would just hurry up and beat Ben up already. No, she didn’t want him in jail. She really was enjoying seeing how different this new Sean was acting, now that he seemed to feel liberated from needing her approval.
Cheri and Randy smiled back at her.
“Do you need anything? My bag is your bag.” Cheri pushed her flowery makeup case over to Nicole.
“I don’t think you have my color.” Nicole said, smiling back. They laughed with her. “I’ll just have to wipe off the parts that get creased. I hate creasing.”
“What foundation are you using?”
“Bobbi Brown.” Nicole said, feeling grateful that more and more brands had started creating shades that were suitable for darker skin. It was one of those places where racism seemed a lot more rampant: upscale cosmetics. And she didn’t want a different brand for African American skin. She just wanted the main brands to realize that there was nothing different besides skin lightness and darkness, and cater to all colors.
The girl’s tittering faded out as she thought about going back outside.
“So, if you don’t mind us asking, why did you bring a date?” Cheri leaned back against the sink. “No offense.”
“I know.” Nicole said. “Actually…” She tried to decide how much she would say. “I guess in the end I just wanted a safe place to get to know someone.”
“Actually that makes a lot of sense.” Randy said. “Not a bad idea.”
“I’m not sure about that, based on how pissy Ben’s been acting.”
“Yeah, I thought Sean was going to punch him.” Cheri giggled. “Gosh he’s hot. He’s so alpha male and he doesn’t even know it.”
Sean, alpha male? Nicole felt like she’d been told the sky was white. “I don’t know about that.”
“Totally the strong, silent type.” Randy agreed.
Hm. Nicole felt like these women were somehow missing the whole point of him. Sean wasn’t an alpha male, if that was even a real thing, let alone something to be desired. He was just Sean. He wasn’t that interested in dominating the other males and showing them he could get all the girls. An image of him in the dojang, training to beat other men professionally, rose to contradict her and she laughed.
“I guess he can be a bit heavy-handed at times.”
“I’d like his heavy hands on me.” Cheri said, hugging herself with her arms.
Nicole shook her head and laughed. She headed for the door, using a paper towel from the dispenser to open it.
Randy sighed. “You perv.” She grabbed Cheri’s hand and pulled her along behind in the gap Nicole had left. “Keep it down when we get back. Your horniness is embarrassing.”
“Well my bad.” Cheri said, not sounding sorry at all to Nicole’s ears.
Not that Nicole was paying attention. All she could see was Sean and Justin, standing together, muscles bunching around folded arms, looking intensely thoughtful. They were talking, but obviously in low voices and trying not to attract attention. She tuned in wishing she could hear. But she couldn’t, and that would be rude anyhow. She steered towards Ben, but just as she was about to sit down, she looked over at them and waved. What was the point if Sean wasn’t there to watch?
“You’re blowing it.” Justin said. “I think you need to join another group. It’s too obvious.” He rested his palms on the bar so that he could look Sean in the eye.
“I’m sorry.” He said. “Did you hear him though? About the fish? Even if he’s not a woman beater he’s just such a douche-”
“I know.” Justin said, shaking his head. “But you aren’t helping. Didn’t you want to watch him?”
Sean nodded, feeling some of his hair fall onto his forehead. He pushed it back.
“How are you going to get a chance to see what he’s
truly like if he doesn’t trust you?”
“He didn’t trust me there. He was showing what he was really like.”
“Really a jerk. True. But that’s not why she’s here right?”
Sean nodded again, his head drooping a little now.
“I think I get him.” Justin said, keeping his voice quiet so that Ben, who was sitting alone and checking out women who passed by, wouldn’t hear them. “I don’t really get her though.” He said, putting the last juice on the counter. “That’s the last one, I guess we’ll need to put them in glasses. Big night tonight.” He reached under the bar and brought up some small, translucent plastic cups in varying colors. Disposable of course. And unbreakable. Sean thought it was too bad because he’d really have liked to break one over Ben’s head.
“What do you mean you don’t get her?” Sean said, looking over to make sure Nicole wasn’t headed back yet.
“I don’t think she even likes him. Given that you already told her your concerns, I don’t know why she’s even putting up with him. Like you said, even if he’s not abusive, he’s a total loser."
“Yeah.” Sean said, slumping forward on his elbows as if talking to the counter and not to Justin. “I guess anyone is better than dating me.” He ground his teeth together.
Justin looked at him intently, nearly spilling one of the juices he was trying to pour. He spoke again, but kept his focus on the cups this time. “I don’t think that’s it. I think there’s more to it.” He said. “It’s almost like she’s, naw.”
“What?” Sean asked. His head bobbed up in a comical way. Sometimes he really had the face of a child, Justin thought. It was an interesting contrast.
“Nothing.” Justin decided not to tell him. Even if he had his own suspicions that Nicole was trying to make Sean jealous, he didn’t think he’d interfere. Sean deserved it for all his stalkerish and unmanly behavior in pursuing her. Justin had to admit he thought they were a good couple.
“Did something happen between you two?” Justin said, putting the cups in a neat line and aligning himself so that he could see the restroom over Sean’s shoulder and be ready to bring the cups over when the ladies returned.
Sean shook his head. Then scratched it. Then pulled at his tie, and his cufflinks. “No.”
“That was a pretty complicated no.”
“Okay. I don’t know.” Sean said. “I came over to help her the other night.” He turned with his elbows behind him resting on the bar and talked over his shoulder to Justin. It looked more like they were in casual conversation that way.
Justin waited for more, keeping an eye on the rest of the women in the room. His number one responsibility was still to keep them all happy. It was just nice to have some drama to spice things up a bit once in a while. “What do you mean help?”
“She thought she was being watched by someone.” Sean whispered. “She called me over.”
“Ah.” Justin said. “Late at night?”
“Yes.” Sean said. “How’d you know?”
“People don’t generally stalk people in broad daylight.” Justin smiled. “You’d be the exception there.”
Sean hmphed. “Anyway, when I came over, she got really clingy. She sort of, came on to me.”
Sean felt like a betrayer for telling Justin details. He wouldn’t haven’t pegged himself as the type to kiss and tell. But he’d never had anything to tell before. And like it or not, he was beginning to trust the guy. After all, he’d given him no warning, just busted back in here and asked him for backup on something potentially dangerous with no foreseeable profit for him.
“Wow.” Justin said, not sounding as surprised as Sean had expected. Maybe there was hope after all? Justin got women a lot better than he did. Justin came around the bar to stand by him, arms folded.
“Well friend, it sounds to me like she’s got a crush.”
Sean turned to him, brows down, eyes wide. “What?”
“I know. I’m shocked too.” Though he didn’t sound it. “But come on, you were the one she called when in trouble. And then she came on to you.”
“Nicole is damaged though.” Sean said. “She’s not like other women when it comes to sex stuff.”
“Ouch.” Justin leaned to shove Sean with his shoulder. “If you talked to her like that, no wonder she’s here waving douche bag in your face.”
“What do you mean?” Sean asked.
“I just mean, even if a person’s been through a few things, that doesn’t mean they can’t change. It doesn’t mean that it’s permanent, or that all of their actions should only be looked at through that lense.”
Sean knew Justin was right. He set his palm to his forehead. He’d been so clueless. He saw Nicole emerge through the bathroom door, smiling and laughing with the other girls, and wanted to kick himself. Had he really allowed himself to think he was superior in some way? Sure she’d been through a lot, but she was an angel. She treated people well. She worked hard. He really hadn’t meant that she was damaged. Perhaps all he’d really been trying to say was that she was wounded, and he didn’t want to add to those wounds. That smile seemed so fragile, he was scared to death he would do something to wipe it off. And he’d be so much guiltier than other men for doing so, because he would have known beforehand how much she’d been through.
“Look.” Justin said. “Just because a person has been through some stuff, doesn’t mean they can’t change. The fact that you want her says that you respect her.”
Sean looked at him, puzzled as to which direction he was taking this.
“I saw that look in your eye.” He said. “You don’t want to hurt her. Well newsflash buddy, we hurt each other. She’s hurt you for years. And she’s not as fragile as you think. Whatever she told you she’s been through, or whatever you think she’s been through, she survived it. What makes you think she couldn’t survive you?”
Sean laughed, letting out all the air that had felt like it had been trapped in his chest since he first saw them come into the club together.
“You’re right.” He said. “And she’s right.” He waved back to Nicole who was settling back on the chair but looking over at them with a hesitant smile. “She doesn’t need me.”
“But it looks like she does want you.” Justin said. “At least, right now it looks like she wants us over there with her buffering against the douch-…Ben.”
Sean smiled, genuinely, softly, at her back after she turned. Right as she did, Ben looked over at them. He caught Sean’s stare, and winked at him.
Oh dear, Sean thought. I’m going to kill him.
Sean picked up several of the cups and Justin did the same, and they walked over to the girls and Ben. As they did, Sean took several slow breaths. Justin’s reminder that Nicole wasn’t so easily broken had really helped lower the urgency of the situation for him. It also made him look at Justin a little differently, because while Sean wasn’t the most observant of people, even he had to notice that Justin was just a little too intense when talking about people who have been through things, people other people think are damaged. It sounded like he’d been on the other side of it, not that Sean wanted to ask about it. Just one of those things you sort of file away about a person. A note about something that they react to, or are sensitive about, so that next time, you can watch yourself. Or know who to go to if you want a certain, damaged perspective. As they sat, and handed the girls the glasses (Sean let Justin hand one to Ben, or to Nicole who handed it to Ben) Sean was sinking deeper and deeper into thoughts about what Justin had said.
He looked at Nicole. Seeing her was such an anchor for him. She looked up and into his eyes, and the intent there, the sparkle, made it hard to breathe. He felt like she could suddenly see through him, see everything about him, and he suddenly felt bared to her. And it had the same effect it always did, it made him want to be better. Less selfish, less judgmental. Less unkind. More patient. A better man. She’d always made him feel this way, but he was only recently becoming aware of how important th
at was. And how intense. He felt so selfish right now, but felt that the power to change it was completely within him. He wondered if women felt similar, if the right men made them want to be better than they were, the best version of themselves.
He remembered Nicole’s hurt expression and wide eyes when he’d called her damaged. He winced. He remembered that she often said something about wanting to change, to like better men, to be more normal. Was that to be liked or to be loved? And was it for a man she wanted, or was it so that she could like the right man? Sean figured the latter. He seated himself on the couch. When Cheri moved to sit on him, he scooted to the arm of the chair, smiling at her.
“Sorry Cheri, if you’re in my lap I just can’t focus on the other guests as well.”
She pouted, but nodded.
“But I’ll be right here, closest to you and we can still tell secrets and laugh about people.” He gave her what he thought equated to a charming smile, and she smiled back. Sean just liked a lot of the women in this club, he realized, taking a quick look around the room, from the women with him, Sam, Randy, Cheri, and the blonde whose name he’d forgotten, though he hadn’t forgotten her shy half smile, to the women standing or sitting with other hosts, paying them absolute respect. He knew that if this was a club for women to entertain men, the same wouldn’t be true. It made him ashamed. It wasn’t that he was sexist enough to say that all women were better or different than all men. But the women here tended to be conscientious and shy, rather than out to exploit, as men at strip clubs probably were. As a result, he felt protective of all of them.
He was glad for a somewhat pensive mood. It helped him ignore Ben’s hand on Nicole’s shoulder, helped him not think about how often her smile was lost because of Ben’s comments, none of which he heard through his thick thoughts.
He did notice that Ben had become pretty wrapped up in talking to Justin. Nicole looked between them nervously. He tuned in. He noticed that Nicole was now in the chair and Ben was on the arm. That was a little more gentlemanly at least.
“Stop it.” Nicole said quietly to Ben.