by Doctor MC
“You shouldn’t be here,” I told her. “You’re uninvited.”
She turned to look at the man she was talking to. “Ooh, do I look like I don’t belong here?” To me, she said, “What are you going to do about it?”
“Get you gone,” I said.
I was just about to walk away and find Rhonda when a man’s voice asked, “What’s going on?”
Tim was standing next to me, with Susie clutching his arm. I told him, “This girl, her twin sister, and four other girls are party-crashers here.”
“Let’s go talk to Rhonda,” Tim said.
As we were walking away, Almira (or was it Elvira?) called after us, “You can’t make us leave till we’re good and ready!”
****
A minute later, Rhonda was glaring at both vampire twins. “I don’t want you here. You have to leave.”
The red-dressed twin replied, “Fine, we’ll leave.” Then she smirked. “Eventually.”
“No, you’re leaving now.”
“Or else what?” taunted the black-dressed vampire twin. “Because we’re not leaving now, in case you didn’t notice.”
I said, “All she needs do is give the word, and I carry you both out of here. One over each shoulder.”
“Yeah? You touch me and I’ll sue you both!” said the black-dressed girl. She tossed her hair.
Her cocky attitude changed when I made a point of flexing my arms as I said, “Marvin Steven Harper. Middle name spelled with a v, not a ph. Because I hate lawyers misspelling my name. But remember, wrongfully suing us gives us the right to sue you.”
“There’s not going to be anybody suing anybody,” Rhonda said. (I think she was nervous about Vampire Girl’s threat.) To the twins she then said, “Get your friends and leave now, before I call the police.”
“Did you hear that, Almira?” said the red-dressed twin. “Little Miss ‘Gets Naked For Pay’ thinks she can threaten us with the police.”
Almira (the black-dressed twin) said, “Call the police, ‘Jessica Rabbit,’ and it’ll be you who leaves in handcuffs. But don’t worry, I’m sure old Mr. Carver will put in a good word for you.”
Worried Rhonda asked, “And why would I be arrested?”
“After the Law finds out that you have crack cocaine in your bathroom? Such a pity, you seemed like such a law-abiding sort.”
The red-dressed twin added, “And if you call the police on us, we guarantee that the crack will be in the bathroom when the police show up.”
“Fuck it,” said Almira, “I’m not waiting.” From somewhere in all that black cloth, she pulled out a cel phone. “You pissed me off, lady. I’m calling the sheriff to see that you’re destroyed. Who will the Law believe—innocent college girls, or a stripper?”
Hearing that, Rhonda looked frightened. “Listen, maybe we can work something—”
Almira (the black-dressed twin) and Elvira (in red) were grinning. They thought they’d won.
Tim and I both said the same words at the same time: “Rhonda, take a walk and let me handle this.”
Then Tim and I both looked at each other in surprise.
Rhonda searched Tim’s face, gave a slight nod, then walked away.
Tim turned to his date. “Susan Cooper, go away and mingle with the crowd. Be friendly, and don’t come back to me till I call you back.”
Susie gave Tim a big smile. “Okay, I’ll talk to everybody, and if I can mention Tim Hanson Ford, I will. Because I want to be helpful!” Susie kissed Tim on the cheek, and then she click-clacked away.
I casually glanced around. Rhonda had walked into the kitchen. Wherever Natasha and “Helen” were, it wasn’t in the living room. Good, nobody would interrupt me.
Or rather, nobody would interrupt us. I was getting a weird idea about Tim Hanson.
Chapter 28
Tim & I Thwart Evil Twins
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Characters Tim Hanson, Susie, and Sunset are borrowed from my story Names Have Power.
****
Thinking it over, I decided that—
The only theory that fit the facts was that Tim Hanson had a magic power. A power that had something to do with names. And neither Tim nor anyone affected by his power (meaning, Rhonda and Susie) was affected by my genie’s magic. But by the same token, Natasha, Harold, and I were all immune to Tim’s magic, because Fatima had changed us.
Eight days ago, the idea would have struck me as ridiculous, that a small-city car dealer had a magic power. Ridiculous, because “everyone knows” that magic doesn’t exist, and only superstitious people or savages say otherwise. But then, eight days ago I hadn’t seen an adult woman billow out of a brass lamp that was smaller than a duck.
Now in the living room of Rhonda’s house, I hoped that if Tim did indeed have a magic power, that he would be a help and not a hindrance when I dealt with Almira and Elvira, the evil twins.
Up till this moment, I had not touched either of the twisted sisters. Now I laid a gloved hand on the arm of Almira (the black-dressed one) and said, “Girl, you need a new attitude.”
Reader, you’ve figured out, haven’t you, that the words were a smokescreen? The only thing that I cared about, right then, was touching a girl with my gloved hand and seeing what happened next.
Her eyes changed expression with my touch. “Oh gosh, Marvin sir, don’t be mad at me! Will you tell me what to do, so I can make things right? I’ll do anything, I swear!”
“Almie, what the fuck?” the red-dressed sister said.
I looked over at Elvira, and noticed that Tim was standing near her. Tim said to her, “If she’s Almie, what’s your name?”
“Elvira Karen LeClerc,” she said, while distractedly waving a hand in a “don’t bother me while I’m busy” gesture. “Almie, why are you suddenly talking like a do-gooder?”
Then Tim said, “And you, sister of Elvira, what’s your name? Your full name?”
Almira looked at me. “Should I answer that, Marvin sir?”
I replied, “Tell him only that your name is Almira.”
“Yes, sir,” she said. Then she did as I’d ordered.
Tim nodded, as if he’d confirmed a theory. Then he said, “Elvira LeClerc, walk over to Captain America, introduce yourself, shake his hand, then come back here.”
She shrugged. “Why not? I have nothing else to do, what with my sister acting crazy and all.”
As the red-dressed twin was shaking my hand (and not becoming a touch-slave in the process), her sister said, “So have you realized it yet? That Marvin deserves to be served?”
Elvira said, “Almie, you are talking whacko, and it’s freaking me out. I don’t intend to ‘serve’ anybody.”
As Elvira was walking back to stand by Tim, I asked her, “So why did you just do exactly as Tim told you to? One minute, you and your sister are giving me shit, then Tim asks you to shake my hand, and you do. Face it, you’re his mind slave.”
Tim looked nervous when I said that. But Elvira said, “Now it’s you talking whacko. What he said, sounded like a good idea at the time.” She shrugged. “No big deal, okay? I’m nobody’s mind slave.”
Tim said, “Elvira LeClerc, I think you’ve hurt Marvin’s feelings by calling him a ‘whacko.’ Why don’t you apologize by kissing him on the mouth and flashing your breasts for him? And wiggle your ass for him when you come back to me.”
Elvira nodded. “Yeah, I guess I’ve been a bitch, haven’t I?”
Elvira, it turned out, knew how to give a guy a boner with a mere kiss. Of course, what was also revving my engine was that Elvira was bare to the waist as she was kissing me.
I noticed, with some amusement, that Rhonda’s other party guests were only mildly surprised to see a woman among them be nude to the waist and tonguing some guy’s tonsils. The exception, of course, were the LeClerc twins’ four minions—they all were staring openmouthed at Elvira’s bare-breasted PDA.
As Elvira was zipping herself back up, Almira said, “Marvin sir, would you like me to show
my own tits off for you? Or I can get completely naked; it’s not a problem.”
Elvira made a raspberry. “No shit, it’s not a problem. You slut—lucky for you, I’m still normal.”
When Elvira had sashayed her way back to Tim’s side, I asked her, “And you’re positive, you’re not Tim’s mind slave?”
“Not a fucking doubt in my mind,” Elvira said.
I turned to Almira. “Almie, I need to talk to Tim in private. So go stand in that corner way over there, till I come get you.”
She grinned. “Thank you for letting me know how I can serve you, Marvin sir!” She promptly moved toward the corner I’d pointed out, striding as purposefully as if she were carrying a message for the president.
Tim said, “Elvira LeClerc, go stand there with your sister till we come get you.”
“Yeah, she needs someone to talk to,” Elvira said before she walked away.
Tim then said to me, “I need a beer. What can I get you?”
I said, “Dr Pepper’s fine. I’m only eighteen; and besides, I’m driving.”
Tim laughed, and slapped me on the shoulder. “I’m not one bit surprised that you would say something so responsible.”
When Tim handed me the cold can of soda, he lowered his voice. “I got my magic mind control from an ancient god. You?”
I said, “A genie who creatively interpreted my words. So how’d that happen for you? You were minding your own business and this god walked up and said, ‘You look like you could use some magic mind control’?”
“Nah, it happened after I tried to rescue a man who I thought was dying. You know all those fairy tales about gods giving mortals secret tests? The stories are true.” Tim took a swig of beer. “Speaking of fairy tales, you really got wishes granted by a genie? That’s cool that you’ve still kept your head.”
I smiled. “Except that now I have a harem, which would drive the Abzug Society absolutely snakeshit if they knew. Especially as a former member of theirs is part of my harem.”
“Join the club, pal,” Tim said. “Before I accidentally reprogrammed Susan, I had to listen to a feminist rant at least once a day. Yet now, she’s a Stepford Receptionist, and it was her idea to quit Abzug Society. Instead of a lecture a day, she now gives me at least one blowjob a day. All very voluntary.”
I raised my soda can in toast. “Here’s to former feminists wearing push-up bras, killer heels, and cherry lip gloss, and with condoms in their purse.”
“I’ll drink to that,” he said.
After we drank, I pointed my chin toward the Evilness Twins in the corner. “What do we do with those two? How do we make sure that they don’t cause problems for Rhonda?”
****
Tim Hanson, it turned out, was a gentle soul.
Tim’s solution was to have Almira and Elvira grab their minions and drive away, and never bother Rhonda again. He was content to do nothing to the Evil Twins except make them leave. And I had to agree, that would solve Rhonda’s problem.
But I wanted a more solid solution. Those two witches had really offended me when they’d threatened to plant crack cocaine in Rhonda’s bathroom.
That offended me because I’ve learned for myself, the hard way: Slanders and false accusations work. I could tell you stories, from back in my 5′2″ days.
“But maybe this was a one-time thing for these girls,” Tim said. “Maybe they’re both having their periods and they both just bombed a test, so they’re unusually cranky.” (Both Tim and I presumed that the six girls were students at Gorshin.) “We shouldn’t mess with their lives when we’re not sure.”
I replied, “Then let’s get sure.”
Tim and I planned what questions we would ask the twins. Then we planned what we would do next, from the answers we got.
One minute later, Almira was replying with “Yes, we would have done it. I have a baggie of crack in my purse.”
“And in my purse,” Elvira told Tim and me, “is a latex glove for Almie to handle the drugs with.”
Tim said, “You sound practiced at this.”
Elvira gave us a rocking-hand gesture. “We’ve only actually had to do it once. But we’ve threatened it lots of times, and we’ve always been ready to do what we say.”
Almira smirked. “Our motto is, Don’t get in our way or we’ll make your life worse than hell.” Then Almira suddenly looked worried. “Marvin sir, is what I’m saying, making you not like me?”
I replied, “I’m pleased that you’re answering all our questions completely and truthfully.” Almira beamed at us.
I asked, “So if anyone really pisses you off, what do you do? If you don’t have crack in your purse, or you can’t plant it?”
Elvira said, “Well, last year this English professor gave Almie an ‘F’ in Shakespeare. So we went up to this nerd who I took French 201 with, and Almie and I got him to plant kiddie porn on Dr. Minelli’s computer.”
“And how’d you pay off the nerd? It’d have to be something big, or he’d run to the FBI and work a deal.”
Almira said, “He made us promise him a case of beer, a blowjob from each of us, and he could watch us go lezzie on each other.”
“And you did all that?” Tim asked. “You didn’t try to welsh?”
Elvira said, “We kept our promise, but we got him good and drunk before we got naked. Then while one of us was sucking him, the other was saying, ‘Drink more!’ ”
Almira added, “Fifteen minutes after we started sixty-nining each other, he passed out. It’s not our fault that nerds can’t hold their liquor.”
I had heard enough. So now I began Step One of the contingency plan. I said to Almira...
****
Now I began Step One of the plan that Tim and I had worked out, in case the LeClerc twins were always evil. I said to Almira, “And when you were eating out your sister, you realized how hot Elvira is. For you, she’s the hottest person on the planet.”
Almira turned and gave her sister a half-lidded stare, saying, “Oh yeah, Elvie is smoking hot.”
Elvira said nervously, “Almie, you’re acting weird again. Stop it.”
I continued, “Almira, when you think of any person you’ve ever soaked your panties for, you realize that your sister Elvira is hotter than every one of them.”
Black-dressed Almira started walking toward red-dressed Elvira, her hips swaying. “I want to slurp your juices, Elvie. Then I want you to slurp mine.”
Elvira actually put her arms out, to hold her sister off. She looked at me and begged, “She’s my sister. Make her stop.”
Almira was struggling to get past her sister’s blockade. “Surrender, Elvira,” she said.
Tim said, “Elvira Karen LeClerc, you now realize that Almira is sexier than everyone on earth. Being close to her gets you gushing wet.”
“Well, duh,” Elvira said. “Bad girls have the most sexual experience.” Then Elvira grabbed Almira’s head and pulled her close, for a long, wet kiss.
I said, “Almira, you’re way too horny to wait till you get home. You want to get naked and do Elvira right now.”
Tim said, “Elvira Karen LeClerc, you ache for sex with Almie right now. You crave it, you can’t wait.”
At that point, the twin sisters started making out, while also pulling off their own (or each other’s) clothing.
Minutes later, the twins were naked, and had rushed hand-in-hand to the living-room couch. (The partygoers who were already sitting on the couch, kindly got up for the naked twins.) Just before the sex started, Almira (who was barefoot) kissed Elvira (who was still wearing red glitter fuck-me heels, at Almira’s request). Almira then said, “I will delight you, my pretty, and your little pussy too. But do me first.”
“Oh shit,” a guy’s voice exclaimed. “Twins, going lezzie.”
“Stacked twins, even better,” a different male voice said.
“We got food, beer, and live porn. Life is good,” the first male voice said.
“You guys are disgusting,
” said a female voice.
Rhonda walked over. “Tim, what’s going on?” she asked nervously.
Meanwhile, Almira was writhing and gasping, and pulling on her own nipples, as Elvira’s head between her legs was bobbling and moving. Almira was saying, “Oh yeah, Elvie, right there, lick it, lick it! Ooh, that’s nice...”
Tim lowered his voice to talk to Rhonda. Then I saw Rhonda shake her head. She said, “If there’s gonna be any kinky stuff at my party, it’ll be my guests doing it, not these freeloaders! I’m calling the cops.”
Overhearing this, Almira pushed Elvira’s head away and tried to sit up.
I said, “No, Almie. You’re having way too much fun to stop this and plant drugs.”
Almira smiled at me, and went back to being licked.
A male voice said, “Jeez, how I wish the hottie in the red heels was slurping me.”
A woman said, “Yeah? I wish that she was slurping me!”
At that point, I went looking for the four other party-crashers. They were easy to spot, even if I hadn’t already seen them up close—they were the women staring in horror at the twins on the couch.
I had my Captain America shield with me. I reached into the hidden compartment, pulled out my wallet, and seconds later I was holding out a twenty-dollar bill. “Here, take this. Call a taxi,” I told the group. “The hostess has called the cops on those two. You don’t want to be here when they arrive.”
“No shit,” replied a brunette. She had a beehive hairdo, harlequin glasses on a chain, and a rose-colored skirt-suit; she was pretending to be Senator Paula Sarin of Alaska. The Paula Sarin-wannabee continued, “Being as we snuck into this party, we for sure don’t want to be here when Almie and Elvie get arrested.”
I replied, “True. Plus, I think one of them might have drugs in her purse.”
A blonde (who was dressed like an Eighties rock star) made a face. “Almie and Elvie, they are sooo around the bend right now. It’s kind of sad.”
“Sad? Really?” said a Marilyn Monroe-wannabee blonde. “They always treated us like shit on their shoes. Almie should have her own WWW site, ‘I’m better than you’-dot-com.”
The Paula Sarin clone was putting her cel phone back in her purse. “Taxi is on its way. Thanks, sir, for the cash.”