I jumped out of the car and took off running.
“Dad!”
I gasp for air and curl into myself on the hard floor. The tears leave hot tracks down my face pooling on the floor as my heart breaks again.
I looked back over to the EMTs and watched in horror as an officer came walking back over with his head hung. With tears in his eyes and his head shaking, he said something that I couldn’t register. Mom started to fall to the ground screaming, but Henry caught her and just held on.
I slowly walked over to the gurneys carrying my dad and sister. Grabbing a mangled hand of each, I stared at the stars.
Why? Why now? Why tonight?
“I love you . . . ”
Sobs rack my body as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to cut off the flow of tears. I hug my knees in a small effort to stay grounded in the present.
My sister’s smiling face and her tinkling laughter fill my mind.
Who will sit up with me all night eating ice cream when I’m upset? Who will I talk to about boys? Sophie was supposed to tell me all about what to expect in college.
We were supposed to go shopping for girly things, talk about boys, and do all the things I can’t do with Henry.
I was never very close with her, but now I’ll never have the chance to rectify that.
Dad’s handsome face pops into my mind. His kind blue eyes that lit up when he smiled, his contagious laughter, and graying goatee.
I’ll never again walk into the kitchen and see my dad drinking coffee and reading the paper.
He’ll never take me car shopping, meet my first boyfriend, or chase him away. He won’t get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, if I ever get married.
No more snowball fights with Sophie, screaming and running into the house because she hates snow. But she cheats, she would throw ice cubes from the windows and they hurt, especially when you’re pelted in the head with one.
I’ll never again hear Dad sing his and Mom’s song to her in the middle of the grocery store.
No more wrestling matches in the backyard or contests to see who can catch the most popcorn in their mouths.
It hits me like a ton of bricks. Mom is selling our home. The house we grew up in. The place I learned to walk, ride a bike, draw, and paint. Everything about who I am, is in that house. That house is a part of me, like an extra limb.
The house Mom and Dad were supposed to have until they died, at a very old age. The house we were supposed to visit when we grew up and moved out.
Now, it’s just gone.
Suddenly, the song shuts off, my uncle is yelling and someone is screaming. I think it’s Alex. He must be hurt.
It dawns on me then. It’s not Alex, it’s me.
I feel arms around me. I’m not sure who they belong to, but I don’t care at the moment.
When my sobs turn into hiccups, I hear sniffling that isn’t me. Looking up to them both, I see they’re crying, too.
Oh hell, looks like my breakdown broke them, too.
Chapter 4
Trust and the Wall
Henry and I walk into the house Thursday after school, the delicious smell of chocolate chip cookies fill my senses.
“If she keeps this up, I won’t be able to fit through the door,” I tell Henry.
He smiles. “I’m glad she made them. I was beginning to worry about you.”
I take in his appearance and notice the dark circles under his eyes. I frown, trying to calculate how much sleep he’s lost.
I needed some time to come off of my waterworks display on Tuesday. I did it again. I shut everyone out.
I sigh. “I’m sorry, Henry.”
He puts an arm over my shoulder. “Do you need to talk?”
I shake my head. “I need to go get some cookies,” I grin.
He laughs and heads down to the weight room.
Hearing Alex’s giggle and the scraping and clanging of dishes, I guess Miss Jaynie has Alex in his highchair while she’s doing dishes.
I pause before entering. Maybe Miss Jaynie can help me.
Skeeter and Seth want me to stop dodging questions, and I keep flip-flopping my decision. I want to tell them, if only for the reason of understanding. I don’t want to tell them if they’ll just tell everyone at school, or if they just want to use me to meet my uncle. I also fear they’ll continue talking to me out of pity.
Who wants people to only talk to them because they feel bad for them? I wish I knew the right thing to do.
I wonder if Seth and Skeeter will even talk to me now.
Today and yesterday, I had my ear buds in all day. I wore my oversized hoodie and had my iPod hidden in my sleeve. I didn’t participate in classes. I didn’t talk to anyone, even Henry.
Seth tried talking to me, but I didn’t turn the music down on my iPod to hear him. He touched my hand and it tingled again, but I pulled my hand into my sleeve and looked at him with my eyebrow raised. He walked away after a few minutes.
He and Skeeter both asked me questions, too. I only heard a few because they were asked between songs. I didn’t answer them at all. They basically wanted to know why I was ignoring everyone. I wasn’t trying. I’m struggling and didn’t want to tell any of them why I was upset.
I take a deep breath and walk into the kitchen.
Alex spots me and squeals. Miss Jaynie startles, and I laugh.
She smiles. “Hi, Sugar! Sit, have a cookie while I finish up these dishes.”
I slide Alex’s highchair over to the bar and have a seat so I can talk to her while she’s loading the dishwasher.
“Miss Jaynie, may I ask you a question?” I ask her, while grabbing a cookie for Alex and myself.
“Sure, Sugar, what’s goin’ on in that pretty little head of yours?”
I wipe some crumbs off the cookie. “How do you know if telling someone something is the right thing to do?” I ask, then take a bite of the cookie.
She looks at me with a raised brow. “What do you mean?”
I look at my cookie for a second. “Well, you know everything that’s happened, with my mom, my dad and sister, and you know exactly who my uncle is.” I look up to her, and she nods before placing a bowl on the top shelf of the dishwasher.
“Is this the something you’re unsure about telling?” She asks, and I nod. “Who’s the someone?”
“Two of the friends I’ve made at school,” I say quietly. “I haven’t told them anything.” I shrug. “They ask, but I don’t answer. And now they’re mad at me, I think.”
She finishes loading the dishes and comes to sit across from me. “In order to find out who is trustworthy, you gotta trust them, until they give you a reason not to.” She moves Alex’s sippy closer to him. “When I was in my twenties, my parents passed away. I’m an only child and I thought to myself, ‘what am I to do without my family?’ The only things that kept me goin’ were my faith and my friends. No one will know when to hold you up, if you don’t let them in.” She looks at me for a minute. “Listen to your heart.” She pats my arm before wiping milk from Alex’s chin.
I frown. “How will I know if telling them is the right thing to do?”
“Sugar, your uncle told me about the other night. Now don’t get embarrassed, he’s just worried about you.” She smiles. “When you and your friends fought, did it hurt your heart?”
I think back and wince. “Yes, more than I care to admit.”
“I think you need them. It’s your decision, but if you’re honest and you apologize, they’ll forgive you.” She winks. Alex throws part of his cookie at me, causing us to laugh. “Just turn the situation around. If they wouldn’t talk to you about their family, or something that bothered them, or dodged your questions, wouldn’t you feel bad, too?”
I do what she says and turn the situation around. I imagine Seth in my shoes, and I can sort of see how they’re annoyed. Maybe it’s just me, but if someone doesn’t want to talk about it, then that’s their business.
“Thank you, Miss Jaynie.
” I smile. After helping her sweep up Alex’s crumbs, I head up to my room.
“Hope for the best but plan for the worst,” I repeat Mom’s words. Maybe telling Seth and Skeeter won’t be so bad. Maybe they’ll think it’s cool that my uncle is who he is, understand my grief for my family, and it’ll bring us closer as friends.
If it’s terrible, I’ll just have to deal with it as it happens, like I’ve dealt with it in the past.
I am going to tell my friends tomorrow about my crazy life, if they’ll still talk to me.
***
On the way to school, I ask Henry if it would be all right if Skeeter and Seth joined us for lunch, without the giants. He isn’t thrilled but he says he understands and he’ll be there for support.
Now, I just have to find Seth before lunch, and get him and Skeeter to agree to it.
Skeeter doesn’t look up when I walk into art, or when I set my stuff down.
On my way to get my canvas from the back of the room, I take a deep breath and focus on why I want to tell her. I’m still hoping that being honest with her is the right thing to do.
Someone bumps my shoulder as I turn to go to my seat. When I look up, it’s Derik.
He smirks. “Jaz, be careful, I might think you’re tryin’ to cop a feel.” He winks, disgustingly, and does that weird thing with his fingers again, like a lab experiment gone wrong, between a drunken monkey playing the tuba and a baton twirler.
I roll my eyes and walk around him. I need to talk to Skeeter. I take a deep breath. “Hey . . . Skeeter?” I start when I get back to my seat, and as I sit, I cross my fingers.
“Oh, you’re talking to me today. To what do I owe the pleasure?” She still isn’t looking at me, but she is talking, so that has to count for something.
“I was just wondering if you and Seth would join me for lunch today. I need to talk to both of you.” I wring my clammy hands in my lap.
When she finally looks at me, she smiles. “Do I need anything?”
I release a breath and feel my shoulders sag in relief. Just like that, she’s forgiving me. There’s hope for my plan yet. “Just meet me at the doors outside the cafeteria. I’ll buy your lunch, and Seth’s, too.” I tap my fingers on the desk lightly. “Speaking of, do you know where I can find him before lunch?”
She starts laughing.
Is it really that funny that I have no clue where to find him?
“You can always find him,” she says so quietly, I almost miss it. “He has this class next. So if you don’t mind being late to fourth, just wait for him here.” She shrugs. “He is kind of upset with you. You know, for the last two days, but he’ll always forgive you, Jaz.”
I’m not sure what she means by that. But that gives me hope that he and I can remain friends. Maybe we can agree that over the last few days, we were both wrong and just start over.
I collect the appropriate paints and focus on the lake for the rest of class.
When class ends, I wait in the hallway just outside the door. I’m not sure which direction he’ll come from, so I look like an idiot, checking left and right. When I look to the left for the twelfth time, my breath catches in my throat.
Seth.
My heart turns spastic, my hands are sweating and shaking, and my mind turns into a puddle with each step that brings him closer to me.
Come on, Jasmine! Pull yourself together!
Seth pauses in front of me and leans against the wall.
“Hey,” I breathe out.
“You do realize that you’re going to be late, right?” He purses his lips, and I find myself wondering what those lips would feel like if . . . Stop it!
I rush out a response so he doesn’t walk away. “Skeeter told me that you had art next, so I waited for you. Please don’t get mad or walk away, I just have a quick question for you. Please?”
He slowly takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes. “Ask away, I suppose.”
“Would you please join Skeeter, my brother and me for lunch today? I’m buying. I just need to talk to you and Skeeter about something.” I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath.
Lord, I thought waiting for Skeeter to answer was hard. Waiting for Seth’s response is borderline painful.
He laughs.
I open one eye, and see that he’s staring at me and laughing.
Well, this changes things.
“All you had to do was say, ‘no thanks’,” I mumble, turning away to walk to Gym.
I make it two steps before a hand clamps onto my arm. Last time that happened, I had it out with Derik, so my response is automatic. I spin and throw my elbow to the offender, but my elbow smashes into the wall.
As the pain races up my arm, I yell out. “Holy mother of . . . !”
“Jaz! What the hell did you elbow me for?”
Of course, it’s Seth this time, not Derik. At least he stopped laughing.
Wait a minute . . . “Did you just say I elbowed you?” He nods slowly. “Well, holy hell, Seth. Your side gives like a brick wall. I think I need to get some ice.”
Holding my arm, I sidestep around him in the direction of the nurse’s office. But he jumps in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders.
“I wasn’t laughing at you,” he says, giving me a smile that causes my heart to flutter annoyingly. “I just . . . ” he pauses and shakes his head. “Yes, I’ll have lunch with you guys. I’ll meet you by the cafeteria. I am truly sorry about your elbow. Let me walk you to the nurse.” He grabs my bag and moves beside me.
“Do you constantly lift weights or something? Underneath the pretty exterior you got goin’ on, you’re built like a brick-shithouse.” Oh my . . . I cannot believe I said that out loud!
Apparently, my mind-filter is in my right elbow.
He chuckles. “So, you think I’m a pretty brick-shithouse, huh?”
“I knew I couldn’t get lucky enough for you to leave that one alone.” I smirk and stick out my tongue.
He full out laughs. His laugh is as inviting and warm as his smile, and equally distracting. It warms me to know I caused that sound, even though he’s technically laughing at me.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why does his laughing make me mushy?
I shake my head and glance over to him. I wish he wasn’t so fit, “I feel squishy.” Oh shit! “My elbow, it’s squishy, feel it!” I thrust my elbow in his direction.
I’m such an idiot!
He stops us just outside the nurse’s office and places a hand on my shoulder. “I would, but I’m pretty sure that would cause you more pain. I won’t ever intentionally do that.”
I can feel the words ring true. It’s like his words found a direct path to my heart.
I swallow and nod before opening the door.
“What happened? Gym class accident?” the nurse asks as we enter.
“No, I’m the klutz that gets hurt before gym even starts.” I keep myself from glancing at Seth. “My elbow met a wall outside the art room.”
“Let me see, dear.”
After examining my elbow, she tells me that Tylenol and ice will hold me over until I can visit the family doctor. I don’t think I’ll need to go see my doctor, but I guess she has to say that.
She writes out some passes for us and sends us to our next class.
Seth is awfully quiet on our way back.
“Hey, you okay?” I ask.
Why am I asking him that? He’s the damn wall.
“Yeah, I’m good. I just thought . . . I don’t know what I thought.” He hands me my bag and goes to class before I can respond.
What the hell just happened?
I shake off my confusion and head to gym.
Getting through gym is torture. Since I can’t participate, I don’t get a break from my thoughts.
What happened with Seth just now? Did I say or do something wrong? Is he still going to meet me for lunch?
What if he takes what I say badly? What if he thinks of me as a charity case?
As soon as I think it, I know that fear can be dismissed. I don’t know why. I just know that telling Seth will do nothing except bring us closer together.
But, what if I break down when I try to tell them about my family? Henry will be there, so he can finish for me. But I don’t want to cry anymore.
It feels like a whole day is crammed into this one hour. Every time I look at the clock, the minute hand seems to move backwards. I tap my feet against the steps on the bleachers and pick at the plastic on the corner of the icepack that’s poking out of the paper towels.
I glance up, and watch my classmates serve volleyball after volleyball. I’d rather be out there, even with a bum elbow.
When the bell finally rings, I practically run to the cafeteria doors. Henry is already there, so we have to wait for Skeeter and Seth. I’m just starting to worry when Seth comes up to us.
“Hey, Jaz.” He gives me a smile, then turns to Henry. “Hey, man,” he says and shakes Henry’s hand.
“How’s it goin’?” Henry asks.
Before anyone can say anything, Henry zeroes in on the ice pack attached to my elbow. His eyes go wide and his mouth opens, when Skeeter suddenly pops up.
“Oh my gosh! Are you okay?” she winks. “Seth told me about your smashed up elbow! What were you thinking?”
“Oh, you know. The wall said my butt looked big.” I shrug. “I tried to defend myself.” I hold in my laughter. “As it turns out, walls can offend me all they want. I’m physically no match.” I eye Seth.
That does the trick. The three of them laugh.
Henry and Seth say at the same time, “I’ll protect you.”
They both stop laughing and stare at each other. I roll my eyes.
Oh, goodie! Another staring contest.
Skeeter reacts first to save the day. “Alright, boys. We know where you stand. Jaz won’t fight walls anymore, tone it down a notch.”
Henry eyes Skeeter for a breath and chuckles again.
“Let’s go, guys.” I smile. All I can think is, ‘let’s do this before I chicken out!’
After paying for everyone’s lunches, I lead them outside to a picnic table far enough away from any ears. I sit next to Henry and across from Seth.
PANDORA Page 143