What did he want from her? Saying those words - I love you - seemed so pointless and empty. How could she make any kind of promises when her true home was still in the sea, a world away from everything he knew and understood?
Did she love him?
The question echoed over and over in her mind as she walked the last distance home. What an obvious answer - of course she did. But how could she face the kind of commitment that came with admitting it? She'd been imprisoned in a pirate ship, trapped in a human body, and almost forced into a marriage, yet somehow those few words had become the biggest trap of all.
*****
Chapter 19
The first light of dawn was only just creeping over the horizon, catching the tops of the waves and turning them to shimmering silver. Lisbetta walked slowly along the beach, feeling the breeze tangle her curls and lift the hem of her dress as it brushed against the sand. She couldn't stop thinking about Cormac and the hurt in his voice. He hadn't come to bed last night, although she had heard the door. He must have slept somewhere else in the house.
The air was fresh and soothing, sweeping away the ache in her head, but it couldn't clear her worries. What could she do? Rationally, she knew that her future lay with Cormac. But the magnitude of the commitment just seemed too much. There must be a solution, but even the clear sea air didn't bring it to her.
The feeling of a change came first. A ripple in the air knocked the waves out of their rhythm and cast a strange glow across the sand of the beach. A faint figure appeared in the surf, outlined by light. Erlend.
He stepped forward, arm outstretched, and Lisbetta reacted instinctively, throwing magic at him in a rough burst. The figure wavered for a second, but held firm. So, he hadn't really come at all. This was a casting - an illusion linked to the real Erlend, wherever he was.
“Talk to me, Lisbetta.”
The voice slipped into in her mind, not her ears. She shook her head hard in a vain attempt to dislodge it from her head, and sent another burst of power at the figure, trying to weaken it.
“I'm not leaving until you let me talk, Lisbetta.”
She tried again, harder this time, but he seemed determined to stay.
Oddly, unexpectedly, Lisbetta had a flash of memory. She had argued endlessly with her mother as a child, the two of them both too stubborn to give in. They had fought over petty details, over Lisbetta's behaviour, and, as Lisbetta got older, over politics and strategy. Young Erlend had been just as stubborn, never admitting that he'd lost a game. She couldn't help but smile a little at the memory of his determined little face.
They had been friends, once. She would give him one last chance. Heart beating fast, she lowered her magical shields and stepped into the surf until she stood an arm's length away from the sending.
“Say what you have to say, Erlend.”
“I love you.”
Lisbetta couldn't stop the laugh that burst out of her.
“You expect me to believe that? After everything you've done? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Leave.”
“It's true." He stepped forwards, his expression intense even through the glow that surrounded the casting. “Please, Lisbetta. I know that I've done everything wrong and I've hurt you, but I swear that I've always loved you, ever since we were children.”
“And you only thought to tell me now? Likely.”
She turned away angrily, her dress catching in the water as she headed back up the beach.
“What would you have done if I'd told you before? When you were the haughty princess and I was the border lord's son? You would have laughed at me and brushed me off. You always preferred cold logic, so that's what I gave you.”
“Oh, so seducing my sister was they way to show that you loved me?” Lisbetta shouted, spinning back round.
“I didn't ever seduce Anja!” Erlend protested. “I admit that I manipulated her, and I can never apologise enough - to either of you - but I swear that I never even kissed her. I'm so sorry, Lisbetta. I just didn't ever know what to say to you. I only wanted to make you mine. And now I've lost you.”
“Leave me alone,” Lisbetta said, continuing her walk along the beach. She kept her head down so that Erlend wouldn't be able to see the tears in her eyes. Had she really become so cold and unapproachable that even her oldest friend couldn't be honest with her?
Erlend sighed heavily, the sound sinking right through to her bones.
“I’ll leave you alone, if that's what you want. But you have to go home. I've come to bring you news, seeing as no one else knows how to find you. Return to the kingdom, Lisbetta. Your mother has died, and they need you.”
Her mother could not possibly be dead. She was too strong, too powerful. She would always be waiting on her throne, cold and disapproving, ready to tell Lisbetta everything she had done wrong.
“More lies?”
“I swear it's the truth,” Erlend said solemnly. His casting had kept pace with her along the beach. Against her will, she could see the truth in his eyes. Her stomach hollowed out and she fought back the fear rising in her throat. How could her mother be gone, just when she felt ready to earn her approval?
“What happened?”
“A raid by the western Atlantic tribes. Your mother took a spear in the side. Anja was already ruling on her behalf when you came to visit. She died just a few days later. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but you have to come home, Lisbetta. You know that Anja can't rule like your mother did. The kingdom will be weak just when it needs to be strong.”
“No.”
The word slipped out so quickly that Lisbetta barely realised she'd said it until the sound entered her ears.
“What? Lisbetta, there is no time. Go now, before Anja is crowned. She'll see sense and step aside.”
Lisbetta drew in a deep breath.
“I'm not leaving. This is my home now, and I intend to stay here for the rest of my life.”
“I know you're unhappy with a lot of things,” Erlend said. “But don't be foolish. You are not human, and this place can never be your home. Come back where you belong. I've even been looking after Delfie for you. He misses you.”
She shook her head, ignoring the growing dizziness.
“You're wrong. This is my home. Anja will rule as queen, and I will not regret it for a single day. She is stronger than you give her credit for, and she will dedicate herself to the kingdom in a way I never could. Now leave me.”
“You have to think about this,” he began, but Lisbetta had heard enough. She did not want to be queen. She had never wanted it, but the guilt and fear had clouded her eyes. The selkie kingdom finally had the chance to become a better, kinder place, under Anja's leadership - and with Erlend gone.
She threw up magical blocks, the strongest she had, sending him reeling backwards from all the power in the air. She shoved at him, hard, crashing a solid wall of magic into the sending over and over again. Every hair on her body tingled with exhilaration and force as Erlend pushed back. She fought harder, almost screaming with the pleasure and pain that flowed through her body. And then, suddenly, he vanished, and her power spiralled back into her in a rush.
She tossed her head back, spinning around on the sand, laughing until she almost collapsed from exhaustion and sagged down to sit on a rock at the base of the cliff. No thrill on earth could match the magic that came when she united with her sea-self. It was pure and sensual and utterly magical.
But she had sworn to give up that sea-self. The realisation hit her like a rush of ice-cold water. She could not have both lives, and she had chosen Cormac. As the last warmth of the magic faded from her veins, she understood exactly what she had to lose in order to live a human life.
A liberating thought, strangely. At last, she had her answer. She could not commit to Cormac until she gave up all of her old life - the good along with the bad. Time to say goodbye to the selkie princess. She would forever be the woman who might have become a selkie queen. The magic that she
had loved passionately since she first felt it rise in her as a child - that magic would be gone. The sea could only survive a little while on land.
She cast out a strand of magic, brushing along the cliff face until she found what she looked for. Cormac's secret cave. She clambered inside, marvelling at how well it was hidden from the outside. Without magic, she would never have found it at all.
Pulling her body through a tight opening, she squeezed into the small, dark hollow. A narrow passage beyond led further into the cliff face. She breathed a little light into the air, squinting to look around. A cluster of boulders, no doubt shaped by ancient waves, lay clustered in one corner of the cave. Perfect.
She pulled her sealskin out of her bodice, where she had worn it ever since finding it in Red's house. Its absence against her skin already ached. She lay it down beside the boulders.
Next came the silver rings that adorned her fingers, and the silver chains around her neck, the last traces of all the wealth she had worn as a princess. It went on top of the sealskin. Her hands looked nearly naked now, the familiar silver all gone - but she still had her golden wedding ring, a sign of her decision.
With a final burst of magic, harder now that she could not reach her sealskin, she lifted the boulders and brought them crashing down over her little pile. The silver and sealskin vanished instantly, buried under a heap of immovable boulders. She could already feel her strength flagging from just that one act of magic. Done.
She climbed back down onto the beach, her bare feet sinking into the sand as she landed hard. The tide had gone out, the water so far away that even the strongest waves didn't reach her feet anymore. She began to walk back along the beach, letting the sense of numbness gradually fade.
The soft sound of the waves still filled her ears, even if it did not sink quite so deeply as before. It had not entirely left her after all. She drew in a deep breath, smiling up at the blue sky and feeling the calmness of the gentle waters. Soon, the tide would draw in again, like it always did, and that little cave would be covered.
“The eternal sea is always changing,” her mother had told her, over and over again. Lisbetta had hated the expression as a child, but she finally understood it.
She had made her decision, and the sea was gone from her. And yet, it would always be waiting, always in her blood.
Still smiling, she smoothed down her wrinkled dress and headed home.
*****
Chapter 20
“I can't believe you're leaving,” Lisbetta said, hugging Moira tightly. “It seems so sudden!”
Moira laughed, hugging her back.
“I'm only going a few streets away! You'll probably see me just as much as before.”
“I know,” Lisbetta said mournfully. “It's just strange to think of you not being here.”
“Cormac was right. The two of you need your own space.”
Lisbetta sighed. “I suppose so. It's just a big change.”
“There's been a lot of those,” Moira said, her own voice a little wistful. “But if this is the life I want, it's time I have my own space. It was good of Norah to buy the place.”
To everyone's surprise, Norah had saved enough gold, despite the wedding, to buy a little office for Red and Cormac to operate their new shipping business from. It had a small bedroom above, and a kitchen at the back, so it had been decided that Moira could move in. It made sense, seeing as she would practically be running the business anyway. A woman living alone was very unusual among humans, from what Lisbetta gathered, but Moira had never been conventional.
Having the house to themselves would be strange as well. While Moira had lived with them, Lisbetta could almost pretend that she wasn't really married. But the time had come to change that. She drew in a deep breath, already planning the words in her head. She had to tell Cormac just what he meant to her.
At last, Moira had the last of her bags packed. Her little cat sat beside her, sunning itself in the patch of light that shone through the window. Cormac appeared in the hallway, frowning.
“Are ye absolutely sure?” he asked. “Ye ken that a woman living alone is going to cause gossip. It's not too late to change yer mind and get married. I'd feel a lot better if ye had a man there to take care of ye.”
“I can take down a fleet of pirates and you still don't trust me to live alone?”
Cormac grimaced. “Please don't remind me. I hate thinking about it.”
“I think, between us, we've proved that women can look after themselves,” Lisbetta pointed out.
Cormac nodded reluctantly. “I still wish I could take care of ye both all the time, but I know ye're right. Just be careful, Moira.”
As they both hugged Moira one last time and saw her out of the door, Lisbetta shook her head and covered her smile with one hand, wondering how she could tell Cormac all about the women of her family. Her ancestors had fought and won the kingdom of the North Atlantic, then held it for generations. Her mother had died fighting - news that didn't yet sound real. Cormac might not even believe that women could be so violent and warlike.
“So,” Cormac said, as the door shut behind Moira. “Just us.”
They stood there a little awkwardly, facing each other in the hallway of a suddenly empty house.
“There's something I wanted tae ask ye,” Cormac said, looking down and fiddling with one of his sleeves. “That selkie. Erlend. What happened with him?”
Lisbetta hesitated for a second, not quite sure of the real question.
“He’s gone,” she said finally. “And I'm glad. I made sure that he left, and he won't come back.”
Cormac still didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Ye’re sure?”
How sure could she really be? Could she trust Erlend's word?
She closed her eyes, sinking deep into the earth below her feet, then deeper still to where the water filtered through on its way to the sea. She let her consciousness ride along, darting from droplet to droplet until it reached the open ocean and flew threw the waves.
“Anja. I must talk to you.”
Anja's voice sounded faintly in her mind - her sister's magic had never been strong - but it was definitely there, even with her sealskin gone.
“Sister, what do you need?”
“Congratulations,” Lisbetta said, a little stiffly. “Long live the queen.”
“Thank you. I was still expecting you to arrive right up until the moment the crown was on my head.”
“I won't be coming back,” Lisbetta told her. “I wish you luck. Anja, has anyone heard from Erlend? Is he truly gone?”
Anja fell silent for a moment. Lisbetta prepared to repeat the question, worried that her message hadn’t gone through, when the answer finally came.
“He's left. I made it clear that there was no place for him here anymore. He has been exiled. Alone. Only your stupid little dolphin went with him.”
Lisbetta drew in a sharp breath. Exile, to a selkie, didn't just mean banishment from the kingdom. It meant that his skin would have been taken away from him. Erlend would be on land somewhere, as weak and limited as her.
“I'm sorry for how he treated you,” Lisbetta said. “He deserved the punishment.”
And, hopefully, Delfie had found a new home as well, somewhere with others of his kind.
“The women of our family are strong enough to survive any man,” Anja said. Lisbetta could almost hear the smile in her voice.
“Goodbye, sister,” she said, and pulled back into her body, Anja's answering farewell ringing in her mind.
“He's gone forever,” she said, opening her eyes and focusing them on Cormac.
He looked startled.
“I felt that,” he said, a touch of wonder in his voice. “Ye went... somewhere, and I felt ye come back.”
How could he feel her magic? Perhaps Moira's gift ran in the family more than anyone realised.
“I just needed to speak to my sister,” she told him quietly. “But yes, I'm back now.”
“Good,
” Cormac said, his gaze uncomfortably settled on a point just behind her shoulder. Lisbetta resisted the urge to look behind her. They stood in silence a little longer, the muffled noises from the street outside drifting in around the edges of the door.
“So, will ye be leaving as well, now Moira’s gone?” Cormac asked, his voice blunt and rough.
“What?” Lisbetta asked, the words coming out weak and shaky. How could he have misunderstood so much?
“Don't you realise how much I've given up to stay here?” she demanded. “How can you ask something like that? Of course I'm staying - or I was, until you asked me that!”
The Wild and Lonely Sea Page 13