Mitchell was nodding, almost pushing me out the door.
I turned to him before I bolted down to the car. "And Mitchell...can you just tell him to wait for me? That I'm coming back for him?"
He smiled and nodded. "Of course I can."
Chapter Thirty-Three
Finn
The set up was like a postcard.
The warm, soft breeze blowing the flowers in the arch above my head. The azure blue water lapping at the edge of the cliff I stood on. The sun setting in the background, the handsome stud in the tux waiting for his Cinderella...
"What are we waiting for?" I asked for the fourth time in the last half an hour.
A couple of crew members turned to me, their looks full of sympathy. That was the second time they'd done that. What the hell was going on?
"Finn my man..." Mitchell came over, patting me on the shoulder.
Why the fuck was he touching me like I was some kind of show pony? Right...I technically was their show pony until this was over and my fiancé and I had taped the reunion special.
"Let's chat, okay?" He gestured toward the alley way between the buildings we were set up near, the part of the hotel that overlooked this gorgeous cliff. Something about his face was off, or maybe it was because his skin literally didn't move that I had a weird queasiness in my stomach.
"What's going on Mitchell?"
He sighed, turning me away from the crew. "She's gone."
He must have read the confused "what the hell are you talking about" look on my face because he decided to forgo his typical dramatic style of delivering news.
"Leighton left this morning. Said she couldn't do this, couldn't handle it. She's not coming, Finn. She left you."
Raw, slicing pain, anger and sorrow surged through my veins, locking up all my joints and muting the sound around me. "No, no, she wouldn't do that. You have to have it wrong. Let me just go look for her."
I pushed past him, storming along the side of the villa he'd dragged me over to. Before I could take more than three steps, he'd grabbed my arm.
"Finn, she is gone. Leighton left you, for a second time. You had to know that this was a possibility."
I tried to look him in the eyes and but couldn't get past the haziness clouding my vision. What he was saying just wasn't plausible. She wouldn't do this to me, not again. We were happy. We were in love, finally in an honest and unguarded place. We knew each other for real this time. I'd seen that vulnerability in her, seen how hard she'd tried with my family. With me.
No one would put themselves through that kind of torture. The way I'd treated her at first, no one would willingly sign up for that unless they truly wanted something.
Would they? Would she?
"Think about it Finn. Her star was fading. She need to add some more glitter to her name. This was the perfect opportunity. Come on the show, romance you, win you...and then dump you all over again."
Mitchell's words felt like darts being thrown at my heart. She couldn't have done this to me. Except...we'd been standing here half an hour with no sign of her.
“She’s really gone?” The words were a shock to my system, like someone had just stuck paddles on my chest and electrocuted my heart.
“She’s gone. Didn’t leave a note, nothing. She played you Finn.” Mitchell’s face was grave, as if he was delivering the news of someone’s death.
Pain radiated through my body, along with nausea and heartbreak. I’d only felt this kind of pain one other time, and I’d been lying face down on a dirty street in Afghanistan that time. It felt odd to be standing here, upright and healthy on this beautiful island while liquid agony coursed through my body.
Leighton had sawed off half of my heart and stolen it, leaving me a bleeding, wretched mess. "I can't believe I fucking fell for her lies. Again...fuck..." I mumbled more to myself than to Mitchell.
"Hey...Finn, listen to me. I understand you're hurting here. I understand how horrible this is and what you must be feeling. But there is another woman on her way here right now. A woman who has been steadfast in her feelings towards you. A great, beautiful person who would make an excellent partner."
His words filtered through until they hit the minuscule part of my brain that wasn't focused on Leighton and my heartbreak. "Erin...shit."
Mitchell nodded, and out of the corner of my eye I could see that the cameras had been trained on us this entire time. Rage began to boil over but I took a few breaths, trying to reign in the monster struggling to rip its way out of my skin. I'd signed up for this, I had no reason to get mad. They could film whatever they wanted, even my utter destruction.
"That's right. She's pulling up in the limo now. Erin loves you Finn, and I don't want to assume here, but from what I've watched all season, you have been falling for her too."
I listened to his sentences, tried my hardest to focus on the past two months and my time with Erin. I wasn't even close to falling for her, but we did have a companionship. She was kind and smart, gorgeous and had a sense of humor all her own. I couldn't feel with my heart past the pain suffusing it, but I could think with my head. Erin was a good woman, and now there was no reason to break her heart. One of us could walk out of here with somewhat of a happy ending.
Getting down on one knee was not a possibility, not when I'd so mentally prepared myself to kneel in front of Leighton today and place her old ring on her left hand. But I could give Erin that final charm, see where things went. I'd come on this show to move on from my sadness, and even though the wound had just been reopened, was fresh and bleeding, over time it would scab over. Maybe Erin could help speed that process.
I looked up to see Mitchell staring at me. "Go get her, Finn. Do what you came on this show to do. Show that no matter how many times life gets you down or Leighton leaves you, you will prevail."
Shit, he sounded like he was spouting some prolific sermon instead of pumping me up to give them a great ending to their fake ass reality show. Because don't get me wrong…I knew that's what he was doing. But it didn't mean I wasn't also thinking about myself.
I followed Mitchell as he walked back towards the romantic scene on the cliff, and took my position just as a car pulled up.
Erin emerged, the sun from the waves radiating all around us. It was the perfect setting. The beautiful girl, the dapper man, her Mr. Right. Except...she was the woman I wanted. Not really. Mitchell took her arm, leading her down the path and stopping just outside of the chuppah covered in flowers that I was standing under.
"Erin, you look beautiful." I choked the words out even though they felt like shards of glass.
"Thank you, Finn. You don't look half bad yourself." She smiled kindly at Mitchell as he let her go, walking out of the cameras shots.
Now that I was ending up with a different woman, the speech I'd been practicing for almost a week was shot to shit. I'd rehearsed exactly what I would say to Leighton, all of the things I'd felt in my heart that was now a broken, bruised mess.
"I first want to thank you for sticking it out in this process, I know it hasn't been easy on any of us." The words were swirling around in my head, and I was just talking, no idea where I was going with it. "From the first night that I met you, I knew that you were someone special. You are inherently good Erin, and I've enjoyed so much getting to know you these past two months. You've shown me how to open my heart again and how to have a good time without feeling pressured. Which is a hard feat in a process like this. You've continued on this journey even when you might have had some doubts."
Erin came to stand in front of me, her lilac dress blowing the gentle wind. She looked incredible, was wearing that earnest expression she always had on, and still my heart didn't even skip one beat. I tried to will myself past it, thinking that this was best.
"I know that we had a talk a while back, about letting other options in. About letting go of my past. Maybe Leighton and I..." I had to trail off, my chest cavity ripping open even though no one could see it with a naked eye.
I felt like someone had grabbed a hold of my heart and was strangling the life out of it. "Maybe she wasn't the one I was meant to be with. If someone can leave another so easily-"
"Wait...Finn, what are you talking about?"
I waited to see if her eyes flashed with jealousy, surprise, love, anything. But they only crossed in confusion.
"I want to give this a try Erin. Leighton left this morning, and while I can't lie and say her departure isn't influencing this decision right now, I can also say that I genuinely have feelings for you. And I'd like to see where they go."
Erin's expression remained confused. "Finn, Leighton didn't leave you...I mean yes, she left the show, but only because her mother is dying. No one told you that?"
Raw confusion fills my entire body. "What?"
"Yes, she left this morning to go be with Mary. She's in the hospital, they aren't giving her much time. Mitchell was supposed to tell you."
My hands balled into fists, so ready to strike something that all of sudden I was shaking from the rage flooding my system.
“She didn’t fucking leave…” I turn to where the crew is standing, Mitchell shifting through the crowd, glancing back at me like a skittish cat.
The beast inside of my chest let loose as I stomped after him, grabbing a hold of him as he tried to squeeze through the mass of people it took to set this finale up.
“You’re a piece of shit. And I almost believed you.” Those are the only words I spit out before I rear back and clock him in the face. Mitchell goes down in one blow, crumpling to the ground with the most feminine cry.
“Someone restrain him!” He screamed at the crew just gaping at him, but no one moves. “Do you know how much this face cost!?” He screams that one at me.
But I’m already turning, already headed toward Erin.
“Erin…I—“
She smiles and takes my hand, silencing me. “I know, you’re sorry, but I’m just not the one you want. It’s okay Finn. What you and Leighton have…I get it. Go get your girl.”
Her voice cracks on the last word, and there are no amount of words I can say to her that would convey just how grateful I am at how mature she is. So I simply nod, thank her, kiss her cheek, and then sprint as fast as I possibly can to the nearest car.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Leighton
I will be the first to admit that I’m not an emotional person. I don’t cry at sappy TV commercials, I rarely bat an eye when one of my favorite fictional TV characters gets the axe…I’m not even a sobber at weddings.
But something in me changed. A switch flipped. Everything with Finn and the show and finding our way back to each other has made me vulnerable, turned the spigot on in my tear ducts and caused all of the backed up tears to come flooding out.
I cried the entire plane ride and drive to the hospital to see my mom. I prayed…me, I actually prayed. I asked God so many times to please just make her healthy, to keep her alive so I could hear her voice one last time.
None of that emotion even measured up to the myriad of feelings that coursed through me when I finally arrived at her room and saw her frail body under the standard hospital sheets.
I’d peeked in the window and my heart plummeted while nausea hit me square in the back of the throat. Running, I made it to the bathroom around the corner just in time to heave the contents of my stomach up and into the bowl.
Turning over and slumping against the stall, my body was wracked with ugly, furious sobs.
“I can’t do this…” I said to no one but myself.
They say the ugliest, hardest thing in life is for a parent to lose their child. And I wasn’t taking away from that, I had no idea what that kind of pain felt like, but watching your parent die is the most agonizing thing I will ever go through.
My mom isn’t just my parent, she’s my best friend. We have held each other up through all of the hardship, and held each other’s hands through all of the good times. I wasn’t just losing my parent, I was losing my entire world, the woman who had been with me since the day I started my life.
Picking myself up off the floor, I splashed some cold water on my face and gave myself the stink-eye in the mirror. “You will not break down in front of her.”
When the nurse opened the door to her room a few minutes later, I had to bite the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood just to stop myself from crying out in grief. Mom stirred at the noise, turning over and smiling as much as her weak body would allow.
“My darling…” She reached out her hand, so tiny and fragile, even more so than when I’d seen her just over a week ago.
“Mom…” I couldn’t force the word out without it breaking. I felt an errant tear roll down my cheek and cursed myself for not being able to be strong for her.
“Oh stop that now, none of that. This is sad. It fucking sucks. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want you to lose me. Stop trying to shoulder the pain for everyone else. It is okay to break down, Leighton.”
I rushed to her side, burrowing my way into her shoulder carefully and letting the tears wash down her skinny arms. She rubbed my back as best as she could, whispering comforting words into my ear.
“Is Finn with you?” She finally let me go, allowing me to sit down in the chair positioned next to her back and grasp her hand in mine.
“No. I left right before I was able to see him for the final charm ceremony.”
“Leighton! Why?! No…you should have stayed. I wanted you to get your happy ending.”
My mom, always so headstrong. And a sucker for the sappy stuff.
“Mom, are you kidding me? I had to come…to see you before…”
“Before I die, sweetheart? It’s okay, you can say it. I know this is scary, I know you feel lost right now. I’m so angry that I have to go. Not just for you, but for myself. I’m too young to die. But…someone decided it’s my time. And so when I go, you’ll be sad. And you’ll be angry. Heartbroken and confused and pissed off. And that’s okay. It’s normal. But after awhile, you have to get over it. You are going to have such a wonderful life, you and Finn.”
I couldn’t compose myself to say anything that she would comprehend through my tears, so I didn’t say anything. I just held her hand and looked into her eyes, knowing that it would be the last time for a long time that I’d be able to do that.
* * *
Death in movies or on TV is overdramatized. All of these people rushing around, yelling, machines beeping. In reality, that’s not how it is at all.
My mother died at 9:32 a.m. on a Thursday morning, going peacefully in her sleep. It wasn’t until I woke up from falling asleep in the chair next to her that I realized she’d passed, her hand cold and still in my own.
She had been in the hospital to die, so there was no need for loud machines or rushed medical procedures. The doctors had given her enough drugs to numb the pain, and they’d monitored to make sure she was comfortable. They’d assured me she went easily, passing from this world to the next.
When it finally came, as I sat there holding her hand, I didn’t shed a tear. Shock and numbing grief swept through my system, not allowing me to feel a thing.
I was alone. I had no more family on this earth. Sure, technically I had my father, but creating a child did not a parent make. He’d never been there for me emotionally, or even physically in my life. He’d left us when I was still young. My mother was an only child, her parents were gone.
I was an orphan.
The thought hit me as the door to the room hospital personnel had allowed me to sit in opened. Finn stood at the entry, his tux rumpled and face half-crazed and half-filled with exhaustion.
He didn’t say anything, just looked at me cautiously, as if I were a rabid animal. As if he was unaware what I’d do in that moment.
All I could muster was a nod before I burst into tears and he was gathering me in his arms.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Finn
My girlfriend is a zombie.
/> Leighton hadn’t eaten, slept properly, or changed the look on her face from one of mild haziness for a week and a half.
I understood. I knew why she was acting the way she was. I knew why she couldn’t let the pain in, why she couldn’t accept the grief and deal with it. Hell, my best friend had died horrifically in front of my eyes and I still had nightmares about it years later. I knew what she was going through.
But it didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to pull her out of it. Didn’t mean I wasn’t pushing her to feel it, to acknowledge the splinters beneath the skin.
“Come on, baby, you have to get up. I made you some oatmeal. The kind with cinnamon and apples, your favorite…”
I set the bowl down next to her and cupped her cheek as she stared blankly out the window. My efforts were futile, especially today. She…we would have to bury Mary. Her mother. The woman who had, in such a short amount of time, become a second mother to me.
Leighton hadn’t picked herself up out of bed for a week and a half, the only time she’d stop crying was when I got in and wrapped my entire body around her. Only then did she sleep, fitfully and only for an hour or two tops.
I’d be here for her. Through it all, through everything she threw at me. Because that is what you did for the person you loved. This was the lowest point I’d ever seen Leighton at, and I’d be here to get her through it all. Through thick and thin, I’d made the choice the minute I left the set in Hawaii. If I was being honest, I’d made that choice on the beach in Bermuda a long time ago.
We hadn’t talked for one second about the show, the finale or the future. We hadn’t discussed an engagement, hadn’t addressed her leaving Hawaii.
Filming was on hold. Each time a producer or studio exec called me, I hit ignore. Sure, they could sue me, but they needed Leighton and I to give them an ending to their show. It was like a Cold War standoff. They could take me to court, and I could not complete the season and/or go to the press with all of the dirt I’d collected. We each had destructive weapons to use against each other, but using them was not mutually beneficial to either of us. So…they waited.
Kissed by Reality Page 17