Blue Saturn

by Jay, Libby

  “They’re heaps more personal, I think we’ll do more smaller shows from now on,” he said.

  I spoke with Gavin too. I felt bad that I never said goodbye to him, but he understood why I left. And without saying too much, Gavin let me know that Mike had told him about what had happened. I knew Mike would and it didn’t bother me. I knew Gavin well enough to know he wouldn’t judge me as I feared some would. He just said that he was sorry it had happened but that now I could look forward to better times.

  I couldn’t agree more.

  Mike is due to call any minute. He’s back in London. His UK tour has wrapped and it’s his last night before he goes into rehabilitation.

  The ringer on my laptop sounds and Mikey is quick to answer the call.

  “Hey Mike,” he says.

  “Hey, Little Man. What’s that all over your face?”

  “Indsy painted my face with zinc. We’re going to the beach soon.”

  “Is it hot there today?”

  “No. It’s not too bad. It’s just warm. Indsy said the water might be too cold to swim, but we can play in the sand.”

  “That sounds like heaps of fun. I wish I could come with you.”

  “We can go when you get back from working.”

  “I’d really love to do that. Is Lyndsay there?”

  “She’s folding washing, again. She always has to fold washing.”

  I hear Mike laugh. “Can you tell her I’m calling? I want to speak to her.”

  Mikey calls out my name. I leave the pile of washing and go sit next to Mikey at the dining table.

  “Hi Mike,” I say.

  He smiles as soon as my face comes into screen. “Hey. How you doing?”

  “I’m good,” I say. I want to say so much more, I want to tell him that I miss him and that I want him to come home. But I can’t. He needs to stay.

  “I was just reading my admission stuff for the clinic. I’m not allowed to receive any phone calls and I only get one five minute call a week. My time is a Sunday, between ten and eleven in the morning, which means it will be late in the evening for you. Can you keep Mikey up those nights? I don’t want to miss speaking with him.”

  “Of course I’ll keep him up.”

  “Thanks. And when I’m going through withdrawals, I won’t be able to call you. So don’t worry if I miss a week. But you’re allowed to email me. But the emails are monitored, so keep them clean.” He smiles that smile at me and I smile back. “The email address is patient-at...do you have a pen?”

  “I’ll put it into my phone.”

  “Patient-at-LCDA-rehabilitation-dot-uk. Put my name in the subject line and I’ll get it.”

  “No worries. Can we send attachments? Like if Mike wants to draw you a picture or something?”

  “I don’t know. It doesn’t say. Try though. I’d love to see his pictures.”

  “Okay. How are you feeling?”

  He rubs his hand up and down his face. “I’m tired. I’m a bit nervous. It going to be really hard, I know that.”

  “Just keep thinking about the rewards.” I smile at him.

  “Maybe you can send me some pictures of my rewards,” he laughs.

  “Not likely Mike.”

  Mikey looks up at me. “Is Mike going to get a reward for his work?”

  Mike laughs. “I hope so.”

  “We’ll make him a cake for his reward,” I say, trying to steer the conversation back to a child friendly innuendo free subject.

  Mike is smiling at us. “I miss you guys so much.”

  “We miss you too, Mike,” Mikey says.

  “You guys have fun at the beach. I’ll speak to you on the phone on Sunday night.”

  “Bye Mike,” Mikey says.

  “I love you,” Mike says before he blows us a kiss.

  “Love you too,” Mikey says and hops down from his chair.

  “Lynd’s,” Mike says.

  “Yeah,” I answer.

  We sit and look at each other for a few very long moments before Mike finally speaks. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” My voice is barely audible when I say it. But the smile on Mike’s face lets me know he’s heard me.

  My phone is ringing. It’s very late at night, or very early in the morning. Either way the sound brings me out of sleep.

  “Hello,” I mumble into the phone.

  “Did I wake you up?” It’s Gavin.

  “Yes, you did. It’s...” I look at the time on my phone. “It three o’clock in the morning.”

  “Sorry, I can never remember if you’re ahead or behind.”

  “You’re nine hours behind us.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah. I just thought I’d let you know Mike is doing really well. I saw him today. He wanted me to call you.”

  “Oh good. I didn’t know he was allowed visitors.”

  “He was because he’s finished his withdrawals. They let you have one visitor when you get through your withdrawals.”

  “Was it hard for him? The withdrawals I mean.”

  “Yep, he had a rotten stinkin’ time. And it’s not over yet. The alcohol part is most likely done, but the cocaine, that might take months to fully recover. He’s through the worst of it now though.”

  “What about the cigarettes?”

  “The nurses are trying to encourage him to stay on the cigarettes for now, but he’s insisting he go cold turkey on the lot. I think the nicotine withdrawals are the least of his problems.”

  “Is Mike okay?”

  Gavin sighs. “The biggest part of rehabilitation is the breaking down to build back up again. He’s at the broken stage at the moment. I mean, he’s okay, but he’s...broken.”

  It’s taken ten days to break him. I have a feeling it’s going to take more than ten days to build him back up again.

  “Will you get to see him again?”

  “No. He’s only allowed that one visit. And since Mikey gets the one phone call a week, I won’t speak to him again until he’s discharged.”

  “Are you worried about him?” I ask.

  “No. He’s in pretty good hands. That place is like a bloody resort. I wish I’d gone to a clinic to detox. It beats having my mum and sisters screaming at me.”

  I roll over in bed. “I miss him,” I say.

  “He misses you too. He’s looking forward to coming home. Oh, and keep sending the drawings. He has them hanging up in his room.”

  “Okay, we will.” I yawn.

  “I’ll let you get back to sleep. I’ll see ya when we get back.”

  “I look forward to it, Gavin. Goodnight.”

  “Good night Lynd’s.”

  I eventually fall back to sleep, but it’s very restless. I dream of Mike, a small shattered version of him. He calls out for me, but I don’t answer him. He reaches out for me and grabs hold of my foot and slowly crawls over me. Then he melts into me and I feel warmth spread through my body.

  Then we both break.

  *****

  Mike has seven more days of rehab before he gets discharged and comes home. His phone call last week was brief but promising. He was in fine spirits. He spoke to Mikey for four minutes and then me for the final minute. Mostly he told me how much he loved me and that he can’t wait to be home again.

  He’s going to call again today. Mikey is sitting on the couch, holding my phone in his hand, waiting patiently for it to ring. He misses his dad.

  When the phone finally does ring, Mikey answers it with a big smile on his face. But I see his smile drop very quickly.

  “Mike is crying,” he says as he passes the phone to me.

  I put the phone up to my ear. “Mike, are you okay?”

  “I can’t do this,” he breaths down the phone. “It’s too hard.”

  “Mike.” I don’t know what to say. I listen to his heavy breaths down the phone, thinking and thinking of what I could say to make him feel better. “Mike. It’s almost over. Just one mor
e week and you can come home and we can be together.”

  “I can’t do it. It hurts too much. I can’t handle it anymore.”

  I hear someone speak in the background. Mike tells them to go away.

  “Lyndsay, I need something.”

  “What do you need, Mike?”

  “I need something, just one more hit.”

  I hear the voice in the background again. Then Mike says, “I’m talking to my girlfriend.” His voice is angry.

  “Mike,” I say trying to sound calm. “Mike can you hear me?”

  “Yes,” he says with a short clipped tone.

  “Mike, listen to me. The only hits you are going to get from here on are my hits. I will beat you to a pulp if you ever use again. Do you hear me Michael Greene?”

  He sniffs. “Only my mum called me Michael.”

  “Well, if I have to go all Mum on your arse, I will because I will not put up with your crap. I love you Mike. And if you’re going to be with me, you have to be with me clean and sober. Do you understand me?”

  “‘If I have to go all Mum on your arse’? What does that mean?” He sniffs again.

  “I don’t know. I just...I believe in you. I believe you can do this. For Mikey. And for me.”

  Mike takes a long deep shuddering breath in. “Do you mean that?”

  “Yes. I have full faith in you Mike.”

  “Do you love me?”

  “I just said that I do.”

  “Tell me again.”

  “I love you Michael Greene.”

  I hear the voice in the background again.

  “Say it again,” Mike says.

  “I love you.” And the line goes dead.

  18.

  Today is the day. Mike will be here in three hours. He texted me yesterday to tell me that Gavin and Steve will be with him. Apparently they have all missed us.

  Mikey wants to have a big party, so we’re making a cake. It’s shaped like a guitar and it’s chocolate flavoured. Both the design and flavour were Mikey’s idea.

  I’ve done my best to decorate it, but Mikey insisted that it be bright green and he is currently sticking small dinosaurs into the green icing.

  We’ve blown up a few balloons and Mikey has already let go of a few party poppers, so there are small coloured streamers all over my kitchen and lounge room floor.

  I helped Mikey make a big welcome home sign. It’s mostly green, but I managed to convince him to add a few other colours too.

  Mike texted me ten minutes ago to say they’re one hour away. And I’m nervous.

  While we’ve both said that we love each other, I still want to take things slow. Mike has said he will respect my wishes and move at my pace, but I’m not sure I will be able to control myself once he returns and the last things I want is to be out of control. Mike promised me he wouldn’t let me be that girl again, but now, with all he’s been through the past few weeks, he might not be feeling so strong.

  I wipe my sweaty palms on the legs of my jeans and take a deep breath. I have to believe in myself.

  “Mike is back!” Mikey jumps up from where he was playing on the floor and runs to the front door.

  I’m just getting to the door myself when I hear Mikey laughing.

  “Daddy!” he yells out, jumping up and down, waving his hands.

  Mike gets out of the car and takes Mikey in a huge bear hug.

  “Daddy, I missed you,” Mikey says as he wraps his arms around Mike’s neck.

  Mike’s eyes are clenched shut as he holds his son against him. “I missed you too, Little Man.”

  Gavin approaches me and gives me a hug. “I have missed you,” he says before he gives me a kiss on the cheek.

  “It’s good to have you back,” I say.

  “It’s good to be back.”

  Steve hugs me too, albeit briefly. “Thanks for letting me stay. Mike says it’s really quiet here.”

  “It is,” I say.

  “I need some quiet.” He does look tired. After the tour, Steve did two Contiki tours of Europe and the UK, apparently burning the candle at both ends, trying to keep up his rock star image.

  Steve and Gavin head into the house.

  Mike finally puts Mikey down and comes to me. He doesn’t hesitate to take me in his arms. He lifts me up from the ground and really hugs me. “He called me Dad. Do you know how good that feels?” He puts me down and looks at me. It’s then that I notice that he has tears in his eyes. “It feels really damn good.” He runs his hands up my back and around to hold my face. Then he kisses me. The same soft slow kiss that until I feel it again, I had failed to realise how much I had missed it. “That felt pretty damn good too,” Mike says.

  I look up at his face. “You look really good Mike,” I say. He looks rested and fresh and that tired look around his eyes has gone. His eyes are bright. And he doesn’t smell like cigarettes. He smells like Mike, a cleaner and fresher version of Mike.

  “I feel good Lyndsay. It was tough, but I got through it.”

  “I never doubted you would.”

  Mikey grabs onto Mike’s leg. “Come on Dad. We made you a guitar cake. It’s green.”

  I’ve never thought my house to be too small, but with three larger than life musicians in it, it seems like we’re all squeezing into a matchbox. Fortunately, Steve keeps ducking outside to smoke.

  Mike watches Mikey playing in the sandpit with his trucks. “He’s grown while I’ve been away.”

  “Has he?”

  “Yeah, he’s taller and heavier. I really noticed it.” He smiles as Mikey knocks down the sandcastle they built earlier. “He must’ve been happy here with you.”

  “He missed you Mike,” I say. “There is no doubt about that.”

  Mike wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me in to his side. “And what about you, Lyndsay? Did you miss me?”

  “Not even a little bit,” I say, failing to hold back my smile.

  Mike laughs and kisses the top of my head. “Liar.”

  My jet lagged house guests are falling like flies. Steve is snoring his head off on Mikey’s cot bed which he has dragged into my narrow hallway. Hopefully, no one needs to get into the laundry any time soon.

  Gavin is looking awfully uncomfortable on the three seater lounge. He is far too tall and broad to sleep peacefully on that couch all night, but for now he’s managing.

  Mike is reading a story to Mikey. They’re in my bed.

  I’m finishing tidying the kitchen. There’s a half eaten green guitar cake in the fridge and an endless supply of streamers thanks to Steve who thought it was absolutely necessary to pop every single popper.

  Seeing as I have a houseful of sleeping men and I can’t get to the laundry to get the vacuum cleaner out, I decide to pick up by hand what I can before checking in on Mikey.

  Mikey is fast asleep. So is Mike. The book is resting against his chest and his arm is slowly slipping toward the edge of the bed. I take the book from him and carefully move his arm under the blankets. I’m slowly pulling his glasses from his face when his eyes open before they close again.

  “Lynd’s,” he says.

  “Yes Mike.”

  “Thanks for everything.”

  “Anytime, Mike.”

  It’s only eight o’clock but as I don’t have anything better to do, I get ready for bed, slide in next to my Mike’s and watch them sleep.

  *****

  I watch his eyes open and close. He takes a deep breath, a small moan escaping his throat before he rolls onto his back. His hand moves to his face, where he moves his hair from his forehead before he rolls back onto his side.

  “How long have you been watching me?” he says.

  “Not very long. I came in to grab some shoes and...I got distracted.”

  Mike moans again and moves the blankets back on the bed, inviting me to get in with him. I lie down next to him, he pulls the blankets back up then he moves in closer to me. “Where are you going?”

  “Nowhere.”

>   “Why do you need shoes?”

  “Oh, Mikey wants to go check the chicken coup for eggs.”

  Mike’s hand settles on my hip. He still hasn’t opened his eyes again. “I’m so tired.”

  “Stay in bed. I’ll take Mikey for a walk and we’ll come back and cook up breakfast.”

  “Are Gav and Steve awake?”

  “Gavin is. Steve is still snoring loudly.”

  Mike laughs. “He’s a shocker.”

  “Don’t you talk. I’ve heard you do your fair share of snoring.”

  “Only when I’m drunk.”

  “Yep, I can categorically say that you were drunk.”

  “When?” His eyes shoot open and he frowns at me.

  “That night in Melbourne when you came into my room after one of your shows. The night Wayne came and got you.”

  He shakes his head. “Did I scare you?”

  “You didn’t scare me. Anyway, you snored that night.”

  I feel one of his feet touch mine before he moves closer again. He hooks his leg around mine and moves his hand from my hips to my back, pulling me in close. He holds me like this for ages, silently apologising.

  “Indsy, we have to go.” Mikey comes running into the room. He has a small wicker basket in his hands. “Hi Dad. Are you gonna come get eggs with us?”

  Mike instantly lets go of me and reaches over to pull Mikey into bed with us. “I would love to get eggs with you, little man.”

  “Well there are ten hens and they lay about one egg each. Sometimes two. But sometimes they don’t lay any eggs so there are five eggs sometimes or six or seven. One time there was thirteen. Some of the hens must’ve been very busy.”

  Mike laughs and holds Mikey against him. “You are beautiful,” he says and then kisses his cheek.

  I get out of bed and get my shoes from the cupboard.

  Mike lifts Mikey off him and gets out of bed too. He’s still dressed from the night before. He looks scruffy, his hair is a mess and his shirt is wrinkled, but he is as handsome as ever.

  Maybe even more so.

  Mikey runs ahead in the direction of the chicken coup, pulling Gavin along with him.