Take a Look At Me Now

by Anita Notaro

  ‘Alison?’ I heard the voice but didn’t immediately turn around. In Dublin I was used to people confusing us, but not here. Besides, the details of the accident were well known and now I found my heart thumping when I realized that someone still thought she was alive.

  ‘Ali, is that you?’ The voice was closer now, and softer, and I thought I detected a slight Australian twang.

  ‘No.’ I hadn’t a clue what to say next. ‘Actually I’m—’

  ‘Oh sorry, I could have sworn you were Al—’ He was staring, as if unsure. ‘Then you must be Lily?’ His smile was lopsided and I noticed he was tall, and his face was open and friendly. ‘Well, she wasn’t lying when she said you were very alike.’ He laughed. ‘You’re the spit of her.’

  ‘Yes, hello.’ I was thrown.

  ‘I’m Daniel Williams, a friend of Alison’s.’ He held out his hand and something happened when he touched me. My stomach went plop, for a start.

  ‘Bloody hell, I knew you were twins, but you’re identical. I’m not sure I could tell you two apart.’ He searched my face.

  Stop looking at me like that, I wanted to say. It’s unnerving.

  ‘I don’t suppose she’s mentioned me?’ he asked when it was clear I wasn’t saying anything.

  ‘Eh, no, she didn’t actually.’ Oh God, not another man from her past was my next thought.

  ‘That’s OK, I wasn’t expecting that she had. Don’t look so worried. Is she around, by any chance?’ He waited, looking up and down at the building.

  ‘No, eh, I . . .’

  ‘It’s just we have a date.’ He grinned. I noticed his teeth were white and even. He was dressed casually and he carried a leather satchel on his shoulder. Not your typical Irishman.

  ‘A date? When?’ This had to be some kind of joke.

  ‘Tonight at seven.’ He laughed at the look on my face.

  31

  LILY

  I WAS LOST for words, most unusual for me, and he appeared to be waiting for an answer, so we simply looked at each other for what seemed like ages.

  ‘What is it?’ he said eventually. ‘You’re giving me an awfully funny look and it’s making me nervous.’

  ‘I, eh . . . I’m sorry, would you like to come upstairs for a moment?’

  ‘Sure, to the flat? She told me about it.’ He glanced around again. ‘Where’s the salon? I thought it was part of the same building.’ He seemed confused. ‘It’s just, I used to know this area very well. I was born in Wicklow, Mum lives just a few miles out the coast road.’

  Thankfully, I had keys in my hand so I was able to lead him up the stairs without having to say anything.

  ‘Please, sit down. Sorry it’s all a bit of a mess.’ It was the understatement of the year.

  ‘It’s fine.’ He was watching me, waiting for me to tell him what was going on. I noticed him properly then for the first time. He was a big man, big as in broad, not fat. His skin was olive and he seemed charged with energy. I wanted to touch him and grab some of it for myself, because all of a sudden the adrenalin that had kept me going all day evaporated.

  ‘The salon isn’t open any longer.’ I wasn’t sure where to start. ‘It’s now a café, actually, and we’re about to have our launch in’ – I glanced at my phone – ‘less than an hour.’

  ‘I see. Well, that’s a change.’ He smiled at me in an encouraging way and waited.

  ‘Eh, Damien, this is—’ I felt like I was going to throw up all over my new dress.

  ‘Daniel,’ he corrected me with a grin. ‘But I’ve been called worse.’ My stomach flipped again. ‘Is something wrong? You look awfully pale.’

  ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry, there’s no easy way to tell you this but my . . . Alison . . . She died a few months ago.’ I saw his body stiffen, so I looked away, just to give him a moment.

  ‘You’re joking?’ he said quietly and all I could do was shake my head. ‘How? Where?’

  I told him the details and he just kept nodding. I wasn’t even sure he was taking it in.

  ‘Would you like a drink? Brandy maybe, or coffee?’ I got up.

  ‘No, thank you.’ He still looked confused.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, I’m fine. Sorry.’ He seemed to snap out of it. ‘It’s just been a bit of a shock, that’s all. I lost my father recently as well, and that was sudden too. Heart attack.’

  ‘I’m really sorry, this must be awful for you.’ After a few seconds, when he didn’t say anything else, I went on. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how could you have been meeting her here, tonight?’

  ‘We arranged it a year ago,’ he told me. ‘Ah, it was a joke really, I suppose.’

  ‘I don’t understand?’

  ‘No, you couldn’t,’ he said quickly. ‘This must be a shock for you, too, meeting me like this.’

  ‘How well did you know her?’

  ‘Not well at all, really. Where do I start?’ He scratched his head. ‘I met her in London last year. I’d been living in Sydney for a few years and was on my way home, via practically every capital city in the world.’ He laughed but it seemed forced. ‘She was in London at some health and beauty thing . . . in Earl’s Court.’

  ‘Yes,’ I remembered.

  ‘She, eh . . . We hit it off, spent a couple of evenings together, talked a lot. I really liked her and I think she felt the same way. She told me that she had a lot of things going on in her life that she needed to sort out.’ He paused, as if remembering too. ‘I was in a relationship back home . . . in Sydney, I mean. I had sort of decided on the trip that I didn’t really want to settle down . . . or at least that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere . . . so I laughingly suggested that we meet up again when we’d both sorted out our lives. She seemed really taken with the idea.’ He smiled. ‘She’d seen some old black-and-white movie, apparently.’

  ‘An Affair to Remember.’ I bit my lip and smiled at him. ‘It was one of our favourites.’

  He nodded absently. ‘Some broad with broken legs, I think.’

  ‘Paralysed, actually,’ I told him and we both laughed, to ease the tension, I suspected. I liked his smile and there was something about the way he looked at me, as if he was really taking it all in. It was disconcerting.

  ‘Right. So, we agreed to meet in exactly one year – today – in Wicklow, to see if we’d both sorted out our lives. So here I am.’ He shrugged.

  ‘It was six months in the movie,’ I told him. ‘And what a stupid conversation to be having after the shock you’ve just had.’ I tried to pull myself together. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’

  ‘Yeah, I’m fine. We weren’t an item or anything . . . It was just a bit of fun, really.’ He seemed miles away for a moment or two and then he smiled that smile at me again. ‘She was quite a girl, though. A looker, and a nice person as well.’

  ‘Yes, she was.’ I bit the inside of my cheek.

  ‘You’re the image of her.’

  ‘I’ll take that as a compliment.’ I tried to grin and he seemed to relax a bit. ‘Christ, I’ve just realized!’ I nearly had a heart attack. ‘The café . . . downstairs. We’re opening . . . launching . . . whatever you call it, in less than half an hour.’ I jumped up. ‘I’m really sorry but I have to—’

  ‘Go, please.’ He got up with me.

  ‘Will you be OK? You can stay here as long as you like, it’s just . . . oh God, Orla’s going to kill me.’

  ‘Can I do anything to help?’

  ‘No, not at all.’ I grabbed my keys. ‘Unless you’d like to come?’

  ‘Oh no, thanks. Anyway, I should be—’

  ‘Why? You’ve nothing better to do now . . .’ I winced at my lack of cop on. ‘Sorry, that came out all wrong.’ I was mortified. ‘It’s just that it would give us a chance to chat a bit more, later on.’

  He seemed to come to a decision then. ‘Well, if you’re sure, that’d be great. But put me to work, please?’

 
‘Terrific.’ Neither of us knew what to say then.

  ‘Are you certain you’re up to it?’ I felt terribly responsible for him all of a sudden.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘OK then, come on, or we’ll be skinned alive.’

  I needed a drink and a soluble headache tablet, preferably in the same glass, I thought as soon as I was downstairs. I knew that neither was a possibility until I’d finished a few bits and pieces.

  ‘Hell, Lily, where’ve you been?’ Orla pounced. ‘I need you to taste something in the kitchen, I think it’s too salty.’

  ‘OK, let’s go.’ I sprang into action.

  ‘Give me something to do,’ Daniel Williams reminded me.

  ‘Chairs need to be moved . . . and that corner needs to be swept, oh, and those boxes need to go to the back room.’ I indicated over my shoulder, heart pounding as panic set in. I noticed Orla looking at him.

  ‘Orla, this is Daniel Williams. He’s . . . was . . . a friend of Alison’s.’ I smiled at him. ‘He’s from Sydney,’ I said, as if that explained everything.

  ‘Blainroe, actually, three miles out the road.’ He held out his hand.

  ‘Hi.’ Orla sounded as panicky as I felt. ‘I used to live in Sydney. You’ll be sorry you came, by the way,’ she told him as they shook hands.

  Within an hour the place was hopping. Most of the invited locals had turned up, which pleased me, even though I knew they were only having a nose around. My friends and family were a paltry lot. Milly had cancelled at the last minute, which left me feeling even more like an orphan. I wanted to see Charlie so badly and I needed Milly’s approval too. Aunt Rose had come though, and she was trying hard not to be impressed.

  Brian Daly arrived bang on time with his brother Kevin, who was ‘a bit of all right’, according to Violet, after she told me that every single Wicklow woman had casually enquired who he was and if he was available.

  ‘You look familiar,’ I said hesitantly as soon as we were introduced. ‘Have we met somewhere?’

  Orla, who had magically appeared from nowhere, gave me a look that said, ‘you wish’.

  ‘No, I wouldn’t have forgotten.’ His grin said he knew it was the worst cliché in the world and didn’t care. He had the most incredible purply-blue eyes and hair that looked as if it had been buffed up with black polish. ‘A looker’, as Daniel had described Ali.

  ‘I would.’ I knew I was trying a bit too hard to be witty. ‘I have a terrible memory.’

  ‘Can’t have everything, I guess,’ he retorted just a little too smoothly, which put me off slightly. I didn’t know whether I fancied him or wanted to slap him, but my chef clearly approved.

  ‘Hi, I’m Orla Parker. I work with Lily, just moved back from the UK.’ She grinned. ‘Before that I was in Sydney.’ I wanted to tell her she was gushing.

  ‘Well, Orla Parker, your mother shouldn’t let you out in public.’ He wiped a speck of flour off her nose.

  ‘What is it?’ She was horrified.

  ‘Nothing green and slimy, don’t worry.’ He winked at me, seemingly enjoying the attention. ‘That’s gross,’ I gave him a withering look. There was something about him, I decided then. He was completely over the top but in a very funny way. I knew I could fall for him big-time if I wasn’t careful. My father would have hated him, that’s for sure.

  His brother looked a bit uncomfortable.

  ‘Brian, have you met Orla?’ I enquired, practically shoving them together. ‘And let me get you a drink.’

  ‘No, no, we’re not staying. I just popped in to wish you all the best.’ He produced a small box from his pocket. ‘It’s from the angel shop.’ He grimaced. ‘The girls in the office seemed to think it was appropriate. It’s for luck in a new venture apparently.’

  ‘Well, bro, you’re becoming a noughties man, that’s all I can say. I can’t imagine a lawyer in an angel shop. Where is it anyway, Paradise Road?’

  It wasn’t remotely funny but Orla laughed like a hyena and eased back into a threesome with the brothers as I turned to greet some new arrivals. Kevin Daly could easily spell trouble for me, I decided.

  Richard and Daisy had arrived just as I’d finished speaking, for which I was truly thankful. I hadn’t intended saying anything at all, it’s not my style, but people insisted and eventually I caved in and mumbled a few sentences that I’d half rehearsed just in case. Being in the spotlight didn’t come easily to me. I felt hot and sticky, whereas Ali would have glowed. I was missing her all over again that night, I realized as I listened to the applause. Under normal circumstances we’d have headed home to discuss every aspect of the evening over tea and toasted cheese sandwiches, or hot crumpets if I was feeling energetic enough to whip up a quick batter. I was happier than I’d been in ages, but still it felt like a little bit of me was missing, which of course it was. I had so much to tell her, that was the problem. And I always would have.

  ‘Congratulations, the place looks amazing.’ Richard leaned over to kiss me. We were both awkward so he ended up brushing my ear with his lips.

  ‘Yes, well done.’ Daisy smiled.

  Kevin was over in an instant. I kind of liked the way he stood so close to me; it helped fill the void. ‘Kevin Daly.’ He shook hands with Richard but his eyes were on Daisy. Within seconds she was lapping up the attention.

  ‘Let me get you both a drink,’ I said, smiling, needing to escape.

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ Richard offered, but got sidetracked by two admiring yummy mummies. Kevin and Daisy didn’t seem to notice either of us go.

  ‘Can I do anything to help?’ Daniel Williams appeared from nowhere.

  ‘No, I just needed an excuse to catch my breath,’ I told him. ‘Do you think it’s going OK?’ I’d no idea why, but his opinion was important.

  ‘Yes, I do. Everyone’s talking about the food.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Really. Are you happy with the turnout?’ He glanced around as he sipped his drink.

  ‘Yes, I think I am. I’m very excited.’

  ‘Good. You should be. And proud.’ That look was there again. ‘From what you told me earlier, it’s been quite a year.’

  ‘It has. Thank God my speech is over, at least.’ I laughingly explained that I’d been pushed into it. ‘And thank you so much. I saw you clapping very enthusiastically at one point.’

  ‘Pleasure.’ He seemed quietly pleased.

  ‘Lily, you look great by the way.’ Richard flicked my hair as he passed. ‘Very sophisticated and—’

  ‘Not like me at all,’ I interrupted, feeling the heat spread down my throat.

  ‘I was going to say . . . and very like your sister,’ he said gently, then went to answer Daisy’s call.

  ‘You must miss her a lot?’ Daniel looked cautious, as if he was afraid of upsetting me.

  ‘I do, yes. She was a special person anyway, as you said earlier, but on nights like this . . .’ I looked around and Kevin Daly winked at me. ‘Tonight it feels like the hole in my heart is massive.’ I was staring but not really seeing him.

  He reached out and pulled me close. It was an oddly intimate gesture and I didn’t want to move. I felt safe with him, although my heart clearly didn’t. It was bashing around again. I sensed Daniel was about to say something just as the door opened and Aunt Milly flung herself inside. When she saw the party in full swing she beamed.

  ‘How did you get here?’ I broke away and hugged her, still with tears in my eyes. She smelt of laundry.

  ‘Don’t ask. There is no easy way to get from Cork to Wicklow by public transport,’ she told me, her eyes shining. ‘But I made it.’

  ‘This means so much to me.’ A weight was lifted as I took her hand and introduced her to everyone. Daniel got her a drink and a plate of beef in Guinness, which she pronounced ‘just like good, old-fashioned stew used to taste’. I was delighted.

  ‘I’d hoped to bring Charlie,’ she said, matter-of-factly, ‘but he didn’t want to leave his friends.’

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nbsp; ‘That’s OK.’ Selfishly I hoped he wasn’t having too much fun without me in Cork. ‘I miss him a lot more than I thought I would, it’s just incredible,’ I told her, half sad, half in awe.

  ‘I know, love. Anyway, here’s your present instead.’ She pointed to where Orla was pushing a big square box out from the kitchen. It was enormous, covered in bright red wrapping paper.

  ‘It’s too heavy to lift,’ Orla apologized.

  ‘What is it, a dishwasher?’ I said, laughing. Aunt Milly had told me I needed one last time she’d been up, after we were left with a shedload of pots and pans one night following a marathon cooking session.

  ‘Looks like it,’ Daniel said smiling as he moved to help Orla push it towards me. By now everyone had stopped talking and people were straining to see.

  ‘Christ, it’s wriggling.’ I nearly jumped out of my skin, then looked horrified. ‘It’s a dog, isn’t it?’ I wasn’t sure I was ready for this.

  ‘Don’t be silly, the ISPCA would have you up on charges.’ Orla laughed.

  I started to tear away the paper, a bit gingerly at first. Then all of a sudden the whole thing burst open and I panicked and screamed, almost knocking a drink out of someone’s hand.

  ‘It’s me, Charlie!’ said a small but very loud voice unnecessarily.

  ‘Charlie!’ I screamed even louder. ‘Oh my God, how did you get in there? You could have suffocated.’

  ‘Don’t be so melodramatic.’ Orla laughed. ‘Your aunt and I planned it between us. He only went in ten seconds ago in the kitchen and we had holes in the sides of the box, look.’

  ‘I climbed in the box myself,’ Charlie said helpfully, smiling shyly at me. ‘And I saw the choo-choo.’

  ‘You came on the train.’ I grabbed him and hugged him to death. ‘Thank you so much,’ I said to my aunt. ‘You’ve no idea how much this all means to me.’

  ‘This is Charlie, everyone.’ I showed him off. ‘My sister Alison’s little boy . . . and mine too.’ I kissed him and he struggled to get away. I glanced quickly at Daniel, wondering if he knew, but he smiled and nodded at me.