by Anita Notaro
‘Sally asked me to pass on a message,’ Orla told me cheerfully as we grabbed a quick coffee as soon as we could. ‘She said she got your email last night and if you don’t call her in the next twenty-four hours and explain it all in precise detail she will personally arrange for both your kneecaps to be broken in a paramilitary-style shooting that cannot be traced back to her. Make any sense?’
‘Yes.’ I laughed. ‘Perfect sense.’
‘So when are you going to let me in on it all? I feel neglected.’ She made a face and then smiled at me. ‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes, I am and listen, Orla, I wouldn’t want you to feel neglected for the world. You’ve been the bestest friend – as Charlie would say – these past few months.’ I felt ashamed that I’d been so wrapped up in myself. ‘And the only reason I haven’t told you everything that’s been going on is that I needed to lose myself in work and not feel I had to talk, or that you were watching me. Does that make sense?’
‘Yeah, and I know you’ve had a lot on, but a trouble shared and all that rubbish . . .’
‘I know that and I can’t think of anyone except you and Sal that I’d want to share it all with – so how about, in the next day or two, I bring you out for a slap-up meal, ply you with alcohol and tell you everything, on condition that you wire your jaw so that it doesn’t hit the floor and permanently deform your face, OK?’
‘And then can I ask Sal any questions I have so that you don’t have to talk for twelve hours non-stop?’ She grinned.
‘Perfect,’ I told her. ‘You can fill in the bits for each other.’
‘I can’t wait,’ she said, still grinning as she went off to the kitchen after we’d exchanged hugs.
‘And Orla, thanks. I mean it. You saved my life.’ I winked at her over Naomi’s head.
Just when I was thinking of texting James, he phoned.
‘Lily, I was wondering if I could come and get a selection of your best bits and pieces?’ he asked after we’d exchanged greetings.
‘What exactly did you have in mind?’ I was intrigued.
‘Em, cupcakes as well as those lovely ones you do with the fruit and flaky pastry . . .’
‘Eccles cakes?’
‘Yes and some of that brack thing, oh, and that drizzled lemon cake maybe.’
‘You having a party?’ I asked and he filled me in on Tamsin’s accident, while quickly assuring me that she was fine.
‘It’s just the hospital food,’ he explained. ‘I’m trying to encourage her to eat. She’s lost a lot of weight recently,’ he told me and it sounded like he blamed himself.
‘James, could I come and visit her?’ I had to stop putting these things off. ‘And see you both?’
He hesitated.
‘I could bring the goodies?’ I suggested. ‘Save you coming all this way?’
‘Lily, I don’t want her upset . . . or anything. She’s still very fragile. Maybe another time.’
‘Please, James? It’s important.’ I was afraid of what would happen if I avoided the meeting for too long. ‘I’ll only stay a few minutes.’
‘I suppose so, then. Actually, she asked me to apologize to you. She feels she may have been . . . a bit too pushy . . . about, you know – the whole thing.’
‘Tell her thanks for that.’ I didn’t know what else to say so I decided to wait till I was face to face with them both. ‘If I said I’d see you about four?’ I checked the clock. ‘Will you be there too?’
‘Yes, but Lily, just a quick one, OK? And no mention of what’s . . . gone before.’
‘I understand.’ We said our goodbyes and I hung up and begged Orla for one last favour.
* * *
On the way I rang Daniel. ‘Would it be OK if we made it eight instead of seven?’ I asked him. ‘I have to go to Dublin for an hour.’ I knew I’d be stuck in the traffic getting back to Wicklow and I wanted to glam myself up for our dinner.
‘After the look on your face when I merely beeped my horn in friendly greeting at you earlier, I’m hardly going to argue with you today,’ he said pleasantly and I was smiling as I hit the off button.
‘Hi,’ I put my head round the door of the private ward less than an hour later. ‘I come bearing edible gifts, the best kind, don’t you think?’
‘Lily, hi.’ Tamsin tried to hoist herself up and I was shocked by her appearance. Apart from the bruises, her face was all sucked in and she had the kind of dark circles normally sported only by heroin addicts.
James helped her by putting an extra pillow behind her head, then came to give me a hug. ‘You’re good to come.’ He took the pretty wicker basket that Orla had made up. ‘My goodness, this smells divine.’
‘Thanks a million.’ Tamsin smiled weakly. ‘The food here is, well, not for the faint-hearted.’
We chatted for a while and I could see she was tiring.
‘Lily, I understand James apologized to you on my behalf, but I wanted to say it myself too,’ she said eventually. ‘I know now that I was out of order, putting you under so much pressure . . .’
I raised my hand to stop her but she said quickly, ‘I went a bit mad, I think, but I’m OK again. We’ve accepted that we’re not going to have any children and we’re not putting ourselves through the wringer any more, are we?’ She smiled at her husband. ‘Not even the whole adoption thing,’ she said quietly. She leaned back then, as if the air had gone out of her.
‘We’ve both agreed enough is enough.’ James reached for her hand and squeezed it. ‘We need time to heal, mentally as well as physically.’
‘I need to tell you something,’ I took a deep breath, ‘and I hope that it will help you to heal.’
‘What is it?’ I could see James was apprehensive.
‘It’s a very long story and not for today, but Alison left a letter.’ I could see Tamsin’s face cloud over. ‘Ironically, I only had access to it because someone came forward claiming to be Charlie’s father.’ I wasn’t sure which one of them to look at. ‘It was all very messy . . . and not easy to deal with. Anyway, it turns out he wasn’t, thank God.’ They both looked puzzled. ‘It was difficult for me, and I wish she’d said more in the letter, but there you go. We don’t always get what we want, eh?’ I tried to smile. ‘Anyway, one good thing came out of a bad situation, at least.’ I saw them watching me closely and noticed Tamsin’s hand was gripping her husband’s. ‘In the letter Alison confirms that you’re Charlie’s father, James.’
I think time stopped for all three of us then. Certainly it did for me because I knew there was no going back from this moment.
‘Lily, this isn’t . . . You’re not . . . making this up?’ James asked.
‘No.’
‘Oh my God, oh my God’ was all Tamsin said, tears streaming down her face.
‘Lily, I need to know what this means,’ James said quietly.
‘Thank you for telling us,’ his wife added. ‘Even just knowing . . . you’ve no idea.’ I saw then that they were both crying.
‘Tamsin, I need to ask you something first. Are you certain that you can cope with the reality of this? What I mean is, the fact that Charlie was born as a result of a relationship between your husband and . . .’ I started to cry too, then, and the rest of the words remained unspoken. ‘Between your husband and my sister?’ I asked eventually.
She didn’t rush in, which I was happy about. ‘That’s something I gave a great deal of thought to before we . . . before I approached you initially,’ she said slowly. ‘And all I can tell you is that in my heart I know that James and your sister . . . Alison . . . had a special bond in spite of the circumstances.’ I sensed she was choosing her words carefully to avoid upsetting me unnecessarily. ‘That made me very sad – and very unhappy initially, if I’m honest.’ She paused for a moment. ‘But I can truthfully say that if you’d agreed to my . . . mad suggestion, that first day we met . . . I knew that I would love that little boy as if he were mine and James’s.’ She looked at him and smiled and I envied them what t
hey had. ‘It’s the next best thing, you see. And a very good second best, if your sister was anything like you,’ she said quietly.
All three of us had to swallow hard then.
‘In that case, what it means,’ I bit my lip, ‘is that I would like Charlie to get to know his father – slowly – and eventually to spend some time with you. But, and it’s a big but’ – I knew I had to be absolutely upfront with them – ‘I have sole custody of him. I am his legal guardian. The letter makes that clear too. So, he lives with me. And all of this happens on my terms. I hope that doesn’t sound hard, but I need us to be straight with each other. Can you understand that?’
‘Yes,’ James whispered.
‘We’ll do anything,’ Tamsin said quietly.
‘He’s all I have left, you see,’ I told them with a little smile. ‘And I need him so badly.’
‘Thank you,’ they said in unison and I knew they were decent people and was glad for them.
By the time Daniel collected me I was an emotional wreck. I’d had to redo my make-up twice because I was crying so much.
‘You’re very quiet,’ he said as we looked at the menu. ‘Is everything OK?’
‘Yeah.’ I really wanted to share it all with somebody, but I was scared.
‘This is supposed to be a celebration, remember?’ He was teasing. ‘So, are you excited about the house?’
‘Yes, wildly excited,’ I told him and I meant it.
‘Then I don’t have to send back the champagne I arranged earlier?’ he said as a waiter appeared with an ice bucket. ‘Otherwise I’m afraid I’ve just spent the entire profit we made on the sale of the house on a taxi ride for no reason,’ he told me.
‘That driver thought all his birthdays had come together all right, when we told him we were going to Gorey.’ I laughed at the memory. ‘So, what are you having?’
‘No idea. You’re the foodie. Advise me. Is it any good even?’ he asked as he browsed the menu.
‘Yes, it sounds amazing. I want at least two starters and three main courses.’
‘Well then, you order.’ He sat back and looked relaxed as his glass was filled.
‘Seriously?’ I was thrilled.
‘Yep, I’ll be your guinea pig.’ He made an oinking noise which the waiter tried gallantly to ignore.
‘So, tell me about Charlie’s visit the other day. I was sorry I missed him.’ He’d been in London when Charlie and my aunt had arrived unexpectedly to give the house the once-over.
‘It was a complete surprise, I only got the call on the day,’ I explained. ‘You see, I made the near-fatal mistake of mentioning the house to him on the phone the other week and Aunt Milly said he’d been driving her mental ever since. She got a chance of a lift when one of her neighbours had to visit a relative in Loughlinstown Hospital. How lucky was that?’ I asked, and went on to explain how I’d collected them from the hospital, which is barely half an hour from Wicklow town.
‘God, he was so excited.’ I laughed, remembering Charlie’s face, and suddenly all my earlier tension disappeared. ‘Your mother was great with him, by the way. He was fascinated by the colours in her kaftan. He followed her about for ages.’
‘She said he was gorgeous,’ Daniel said. ‘Which for my mother is quite something. She’s not big into kids.’
‘Really? Well, she did very well then.’ I filled him in on how the day had gone.
‘Pity they had to go back the same day,’ he said. ‘That was quite a journey for your aunt. It must have taken a bit out of her.’ I was touched that he sounded concerned.
‘I think it did, although she denied it,’ I told him. ‘Her own excitement kept her going. One was as bad as the other, I swear. She looked about five years of age.’
Daniel laughed at the picture I painted.
‘Anyway, Charlie immediately picked his room and he wants a Thomas the Tank Engine duvet like his friend in Cork has, apparently. Oh, and a black and white spotty bean bag for the dog as well.’
‘So no negatives then?’
‘Only when he saw the sea, initially.’ I told him sadly. ‘He still associates it with the night Alison died, obviously. He was a bit upset at first, just like he was the last time, although Milly insisted he wasn’t nearly as bad. I spent ages assuring him it was a different sea altogether.’ Before I could stop myself, I was remembering the night she died all over again, and I said a silent prayer that it would get easier soon. ‘Anyway, at least I was ready for it this time and I had a number of distractions planned.’ I took a deep breath and made a big effort not to get too morbid. ‘But Max was the saviour, in the end. I’m going to have a hard job keeping them apart, especially at night, once the bean bag arrives. My aunt says he has a tin of baked beans in a brown paper bag in his bedroom in Cork, with his toy puppy sitting on it, practising “stay” and other commands.’
Daniel smiled.
‘He wanted to bring the dog back with him to Cork as well, you see, and now every night when I ring him he asks to speak to Max, so we have this ridiculous conversation where he kisses the phone his end and I bark like mad my end.’
‘Hey, women get paid good money for that sort of conversation,’ he told me and this time it was my turn to smile.
‘Your mum is really good to look after Max until I get organized, by the way. Will you tell her I appreciate it?’ I asked and he nodded.
‘And you’re happy Charlie’s coming to live with you?’ he said in a gentle voice.
‘Happier than I ever thought possible,’ I told him truthfully.
‘Good.’ He seemed satisfied. ‘Now feed me, woman, because I’m so hungry I’d eat the leg off the lamb of God right now.’
* * *
Two and a half hours later another equally happy taxi driver got the fare of his life and we were still laughing when we pulled up outside the café.
‘Imagine, very soon you’ll be able to drop me home and walk to your own place.’ I got a tingle down my spine when I thought of it, and not just because of my new house.
‘So will there be other nights like this then?’ He raised his eyebrows at me as I opened the door to the flat.
‘If you’re lucky,’ I told him and we both laughed and then he leaned over and kissed me and just like that one other time it started off innocently enough and suddenly we were inside, in the hallway, and if there’d been anywhere to sit or lie down we’d have been stretched out and glued together, I reckon.
Again, it was me who pulled away first.
‘If you do that once more,’ I said only half jokingly, ‘I will take it your intentions are serious – and I’ll assume we’re a couple and I’ll tell everyone, so be warned.’
‘What’ll you do, put a notice in the window of the café?’
‘No, I’ll take out an ad in the Wicklow People.’ I was making it up as I went along, fuelled by half a bottle of bubbly. ‘And what’s more, I’ll send a copy to my friend Sally in Oz, and she’ll put it on the internet and then all your old girlfriends will find out and you’ll be ruined.’
‘And why would you do that to me?’ He pushed my hair back from my face.
‘Because . . . well, just because . . .’
‘Because what?’
‘Because I’ve had it with men who aren’t honest,’ I told him softly, the emotions of the day rolling back in to knock me for six. ‘And because my sister, my lovely sister whom I adored, spent the last few years of her life having sex with men who were lying to their wives or girlfriends and today I agreed to let one of them spend time with Charlie – my Charlie – because I just found out he’s his father.’ I was stone-cold sober now but still I had a need to say it out loud to him. ‘You see, Daniel,’ I swallowed noisily, ‘I don’t really think my sister had a number of affairs . . .’ My voice faltered for a second. ‘I think she got paid for it . . . for sex. And that made her a—’
‘Don’t.’ He pulled me over to the stairs and sat me down, then knelt down in front of me. ‘Don’t torture you
rself.’ He put his arms around me and held me like a baby while I cried my eyes out.
‘And what’s more, I’ve known for ages, but I refused to accept it,’ I told him and neither of us said anything for a bit.
‘It must be the truth,’ I said quietly. ‘It has to be, there’s no other explanation . . . and God knows I’ve tried to think of one.’ I said it just to finally say it out loud, because talking to somebody meant there was no going back. I also knew I had to give Daniel the opportunity to back off now, while I was still able to let him go easily. I was sure he’d run a mile once he knew the truth about our family.
‘It must be,’ I said again, just to make sure he’d heard. He looked at me then and I could tell he was struggling with his own thoughts.
‘I know it is, Lily,’ he said eventually. ‘Alison told me.’
55
LILY
‘WHAT DID YOU just say?’
‘I said I knew about it already.’
I still thought I’d misheard. ‘What did you know?’
‘Look, can I come up? I can let the taxi go and get another one.’
‘No, just tell me what you knew.’
‘I knew that Alison was . . . got paid for sex.’ He looked directly at me.
‘And she told you this herself?’
‘Yes.’
‘Send the taxi away,’ I said after what seemed like ages.
‘Come on, let’s have a cup of coffee.’ He took my hand and led me towards the flat a minute later.
‘Actually, no.’ Suddenly I knew I didn’t want to talk to him there. ‘Let’s go for a walk.’
‘Lily, it’s freezing and you’re wearing high heels and a see-through top. I don’t think so.’
‘Well, I’m not talking to you up there, in the flat. It’s where . . . it all happened.’
‘Fine, I understand now.’ He sounded relieved I wasn’t cracking up. ‘Come on so.’ He took off his jacket and put it around my shoulders. ‘I’ll treat you to coffee and a brandy in the only greasy spoon in Wicklow.’ He put his arm around me and we set off down the main street and headed for the port.