When we were eight I got an invitation to a party. It was from Becky, the girl I’d been put next to on my first day at school. She thrust it at me as we were putting our coats on. We knew what it was because there were balloons printed on the front of the envelope and all the way home Lily was getting excited because she loved parties. It wasn’t until we were at home that I opened it and discovered that it was only addressed to me. Lily wasn’t invited. Her face fell. I started to cry. I was crying because I felt bad for Lily.
Mum came to see what all the fuss was about.
‘Never mind,’ she said when she found out about the party. ‘It can be your first lesson in being an individual.’ I didn’t know what she meant and Lily still looked cross and upset.
Later, in our room, I said to Lily, ‘I don’t want to go to the stupid party.’ I did but to say anything else would have been disloyal. It was a Pamper Party and we were going to get our nails painted and our hair done and even try out make-up but how could I enjoy all that when I knew Lily was all alone at home? We were sitting on the bed and Lily had her arm around me. She didn’t like it when I cried.
‘It sounds awful,’ she said, looking at the invitation.
‘I know,’ I lied. ‘I don’t even like Becky,’ I added for good measure. This wasn’t true; I did like Becky, she was nice but she’d left us alone since Lily had pushed her off the chair. I only said it because I felt bad about how much I wanted to go to the party, so I thought, if I pretended it was a big ordeal, Lily wouldn’t mind so much or be cross with me.
‘Don’t worry,’ said Lily, ‘you don’t have to go.’ She was right. It would be better if I didn’t go at all. I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice and said, ‘Let’s go and tell Mum I’m not going.’
‘No, we can’t do that. She thinks it’s a good idea and you don’t want her to think that you’re bottling out of doing something on your own. No, it’s simple – I’ll go for you; Becky will never know the difference.’
So that’s what happened. I was so swept up in Lily’s secret plan, and how funny it would be to trick everyone, that it wasn’t until Mum pulled up outside Becky’s house and Lily jumped out of the car that I realised it was me who was now missing the party and Lily who was going to have all the fun. All week I’d been grateful to her because she was ‘doing this for me’, as she kept reminding me if I’d had any misgivings.
‘Right then, Lily,’ said Mum from the front of the car. ‘It looks like we’ve got an afternoon to ourselves. Let’s have some fun.’
I felt momentarily jealous. Mum was looking forward to having Lily to herself. But it did mean that I was going to have Mum to myself, even if she thought I was Lily, which was some consolation.
‘What would you like to do?’ Mum was asking.
I wanted to say we should go home and have our own pamper party or go and get our nails done at a real nail bar, but as Lily had spent the whole week saying pamper parties were lame and who’d want their nails done anyway, it wasn’t really an option. I had to remember I was pretending to be Lily. What would Lily have chosen? Shopping probably. But I was worried about keeping up the pretence of being Lily. Lily talked a lot and already I couldn’t think of anything to say.
‘Lily? Are you all right?’ said Mum. Oh no, she was going to notice and Lily had only been gone two minutes.
‘Let’s go to the cinema!’ My voice came out far too loud, but then Lily was loud so that was okay.
So we went to the cinema and I remembered to ask fora mint choc chip ice cream even though I wanted a strawberry one. When Mum asked me which film I wanted to see, I said Pirates of the Caribbean because I knew Lily wanted to see it. I was so relieved when Mum said it was rated 12 and why didn’t we go and see Brother Bear instead that I didn’t object like Lily would have done.
When the lights went down I breathed a sigh of relief. This had been a brilliant idea. Sitting next to Mum in the dark I couldn’t go wrong, even though it seemed a waste of having Mum to myself for the first time.
When we picked Lily up from Becky’s house she had blue nail varnish on, her hair was up in an elaborate style, she had gold glitter on her cheeks and shoulders and a painted-on tattoo of flowers and leaves on her foot. She took her shoe and sock off in the car to show me. I would have chosen pink nail varnish.
She was so excited she couldn’t stop talking or showing off the tiara she’d won in the Catwalk game. I was sure I wouldn’t have won that game. I had to glare at her to get her to calm down.
When we got home and were sitting round the table, Mum said, ‘So, Lily,’ looking at Lily with her hair and nails all done and not at me, ‘Do you think Becky knew it was you at her party and not Milly?’
Lily looked guilty and sulky at the same time. ‘When did you realise?’ she asked.
‘About two minutes after you got out of the car,’ said Mum.
That night when we were in bed, Lily said, into the darkness, ‘That was the best party I’ve ever been to.’
On Monday, at school, Becky came up to us and asked me if I’d enjoyed the party. ‘It was the best party I’ve ever been to,’ I told her and she smiled slyly over my shoulder at Lily. Lily just smiled right back.
Chapter Eight
I stayed on the bus after school because I was going to Ted’s. Effy wanted to know where I was going so I told her I was going to see a friend. No way was I going to tell her I was seeing a counsellor.
It’s easy being with Effy because she does all the talking. I was wrong about her swallowing How to Make Friends because there’s a whole chapter in there on how you shouldn’t talk about yourself all the time, you should engage with the other person and ask them about themselves and find out what interests them. Luckily Effy doesn’t do any of those things.
When I told her I was going to see a friend she started going on about how difficult it was to stay in touch with her old friends and how it’s like they don’t want to talk to her now she doesn’t go to their school any more. I was glad she was talking, though, because it meant that I didn’t have to.
Ted asked me how the journal was going. I told him I’d made a start and that I was writing about Pond Life. He looked momentarily confused, probably thinking I meant newts and frogs and stuff, then it dawned on him that Pond is my surname.
‘Right!’ he said. ‘That’s cool.’
When Ted says ‘cool’ he does not say it in a cool way. He says it slowly and draws it out like some stoned hippy. It made me want to giggle.
I told him about my ‘new’ name, Emily, and how I’ve had it all these years and never knew. He looked as if he was about to say ‘Cool’ again but he changed his mind. Then he asked me if it made me feel like a different person. I had to think about that for a while.
‘Sort of,’ I told him. ‘It’s weird, I feel like the same person, only different.’ Ten out of ten for clarity. I tried again. ‘No, it’s not the name that makes me feel different. I mean, I am different since . . . you know.’ Ted nodded. ‘So it sort of feels right that I get a new name to go with the . . .’ I didn’t want to say ‘new me’. It sounded wrong. ‘New’ sounded good and I didn’t feel good. ‘. . . different me,’ I finished.
He asked me about the new school.
‘It sucks,’ I said.
I don’t have to pretend with Ted. He didn’t ask me in what way it sucks, he just waited for me to tell him.
‘I feel like a fake. I keep expecting to see Lily, only of course she’s not there, and half the time I want to explode – I want to shout that I’m a twin, that I’m only half a person. No one there knows about Lily – they think I’m just me.’
‘You are “just you”,’ said Ted tentatively.
‘I know! It’s just that all my life I’ve been one half of a pair – Lily’s twin – and now suddenly, at this new school, I’m not. That’s why I feel like a fake, like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.’
It was so hard to explain, especially to someone who isn’
t a twin. Of course, you know that you’re your own person. It’s just that somehow you’re more than that. You’re an individual but you’re also a pair. Suddenly being just an individual is scary. Lily defines me in some way. It’s not that I’m sorry I’ve gone to the new school where nobody knows about her. It’s just that it’s going to take a bit of getting used to.
‘Why haven’t you told any of your new friends about her?’
I thought about Effy and how she never stops talking long enough for me to tell her anything, and how she’s permanently cheerful no matter what life throws at her.
‘Because it would change how they see me. I need to be me. I guess I’ll get better at it.’
On the bus home I struggled to stay awake. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep but I was scared I’d miss my stop. I nearly fell asleep in maths today because I had another nightmare last night. What I needed was a good night’s sleep. I wondered if I’d ever have one again. I seriously considered nicking some of Mum’s pills; I doubt she’d notice. The trouble is I’ve seen how groggy she is in the mornings and if they made me like that then there’s not much point.
The bus stopped at the lights right next to a bookshop. They had a whole window display of Mum’s ‘Twins’ books with the dolls and everything. A couple of years ago Mum’s twin stories were made into a television series. Lily was mad because she wanted us to play the twins but the twins in Mum’s stories are boys.
I think she did that so Lily and I wouldn’t think she was writing about us. Thank God she did. I’d hate people to think that.
The books are for younger children and the TV series was a great hit. In the end they did it in cartoon form and they brought out a couple of dolls to go with it. We used to have some but I think Archie took them with him when he left.
Mum bought the basement off Jeanie and David with the money. I’m really glad she did because I’d feel uncomfortable living there now if it still belonged to David; like we’d outstayed our welcome or something, now everyone else has gone and with the Americans coming.
When I got home Mum wanted to know all about the new school. I told her it was the best. She wanted to know if I’d made any new friends, so I told her about Effy because I didn’t want to worry her. And besides, Effy seemed to have decided I was her new Best Friend. She gets off the bus a stop after me. She lives behind the park which isn’t far away because it’s not a very big park, more like a garden really.
Lily wasn’t around so I wandered upstairs after tea to see Jeanie and David. They’re going next week and I wanted to make the most of being able to go up while I still can.
It’s just as well they’ve made all the changes up there, because they wouldn’t have been able to house swap with the Americans if it was still falling apart and full of random people.
Jeanie and David wanted to know about the new school as well. They said it sounded good and they’d be back in time for my GCSEs so I wasn’t to worry.
Jeanie said she was trying to get a room ready for the American couple’s son but she wasn’t sure what he’d want and perhaps I could help her. I didn’t have a clue and I told her so. What did I know about boys?
David said, ‘I know you’re upset with us for going away, Milly, and I’m really sorry it had to happen now. But please don’t take it out on the Americans. Be nice to them, okay?’
‘Of course I’ll be nice,’ I said, offended. Then, to convince him I meant it, I politely pumped them for information about the son. Not that I was interested or anything.
They told me he’s called Devlin. He’s nearly sixteen and he’s not going to school here; he’s going to study from home on the computer and stay in contact with his American school.
This sent David off on a long explanation about how he’s had to get Wi-Fi fitted and how he’s bought a new computer for them to use because he doesn’t want them using his PC while they’re away and would it be rude if he was to lock his study door for the duration.
‘Yes, it would,’ said Jeanie. ‘You’ll just have to remove all your personal stuff. We can lock the attic, they won’t need to go up there.’ I left them to it and went back downstairs.
Lily was in the kitchen. She didn’t ask me about the new school. I got my homework out and she disappeared. Which was fine by me.
I’ve just remembered. I did have to go to school on my own once. It was when we were ten and just before we left the house Lily started throwing up. As Mum was holding her over the sink – because she’d started really suddenly and didn’t have time to get to the bathroom– she saw Daisy and her mum walking past on the street above. Mum sat Lily in a chair, opened the door and called up to Daisy’s mum, asking her if she’d take me to school so she could stay behind and look after Lily. It all happened so quickly that neither Lily or I had time to object and before I knew it I was at school, on my own. When I sat down next to Lily’s empty seat I felt sick and wondered if I had the same bug as Lily. I kept thinking if I threw up Mum would have to come and get me, but however hard I concentrated on being sick it didn’t happen. By break time I’d got over my nerves and felt okay. I wandered out into the playground looking for someone to play with. I could see Daisy and Becky under the tree and was about to go and join them when my path was blocked by a big object. Hayden, the meanest boy in the school, was pushing his face into mine. I backed up and tried to go round him but he kept sidestepping and blocking my way until he’d forced me round the back of the old toilets.
‘You’re Milly, right?’
I nodded and couldn’t help looking round for Lily even though I knew she was at home.
‘What do you want?’ I said, as boldly as I could.
‘What do you think?’ he sneered.
I had no idea what he meant so I just stared at him. Then it dawned on me. He must want a kiss or something. Yuk! Still, if it meant he’d leave me alone I supposed I’d have to get it over with. I darted forwards and gave him the briefest kiss on the cheek that I could manage. Hayden went bright red. I remember wondering why he was embarrassed when he’d asked for it. But it turned out it wasn’t embarrassment turning him red, it was rage.
‘God! Get off me, you freak!’ he yelled in my face. Then he grabbed my arm and started twisting it. I thought it was going to snap. ‘You bring it tomorrow or next time I’ll break it,’ he said, letting go of my arm. ‘And don’t even think about telling your sister.’
I was shaking and I wanted to ask him what exactly it was that I was supposed to bring him tomorrow but I couldn’t get the words out.
‘Do you get it?’ he yelled, covering me in a fine spray of saliva. I felt a hand on my arm. It was Anil from my class.
‘She gets it . . . She’ll have it tomorrow,’ he said to Hayden.
‘Make sure she does and tell her what’ll happen if she tells,’ he said, walking off.
‘Are you okay?’ Anil asked me when Hayden had gone.
I nodded. ‘I don’t . . . What does he want?’ I managed.
‘Payment.’
‘What for?’
‘For not hurting you. Remember last year when Oliver broke his arm?’
‘You mean when he fell off the wall?’ There’d been a big fuss about it and nobody was allowed to play on the wall any more; Oliver hadn’t been too popular for a while.
‘He didn’t fall off the wall – it was Hayden.’
‘But that’s . . . How come no one knows? I mean, shouldn’t we tell someone?’
‘You are kidding, right?’ said Anil, looking at me like I’d gone crazy. ‘How come you don’t know, anyhow? Everyone has to bring Hayden something every week.’
Which reminded me I didn’t know what I was supposed to bring.
‘Well,’ said Anil, when I asked him, ‘he prefers money but it has to be over fifty pence. If you can’t get that then he’ll make do with sweets, but if he doesn’t like them you’ll get a Chinese burn. Mars bars are his favourite or most things in that line. Just don’t bring Jelly Babies or
you’ll regret it.’
That night I was so worried I couldn’t sleep. Lily knew there was something wrong but I wouldn’t tell her what had happened at school. She’d stopped throwing up and told me she’d had a nice day at home with Mum and she was going to have another day off just to make sure she was better.
That did it. I knew Hayden had said I mustn’t tell anyone and I’d held out for ages, but in the end I had to tell Lily. She looked furious.
‘So I have to take something tomorrow. Have you got any money?’
‘I’m not giving my money to Hayden.’
‘Please, Lily. If I don’t have it he’ll break my arm.’
Lily laughed.
‘You don’t understand!’ I was close to tears now. ‘He broke Oliver’s arm because he forgot to bring something.’
‘No he did not,’ said Lily. ‘Oliver fell off the wall because he’s a clumsy idiot.’
‘He didn’t,’ I whispered urgently. ‘It was Hayden.’
Lily laughed again. How could she! Now I was crying, not only because I was scared but because Lily was being so heartless.
‘Oh Milly! Don’t,’ said Lily. She got out of bed and climbed in beside me. ‘Stop worrying,’ she said, giving me a hug. ‘I’ll go to school with you tomorrow and it will be fine, okay?’
So Lily convinced Mum she was well enough for school and at break time we went into the playground.
‘Right,’ said Lily, leading me to the old loos, ‘you stand here and when Hayden comes, tell him you’ve got something. Then I’ll come out and you run away.’
I stood there while Lily disappeared round the side of the building. I felt like that goat in Jurassic Park; the one they tie up to try and lure the biggest dinosaur.
Me Myself Milly Page 5