by Susan Meier
“Struggling?”
She turned on the sofa, putting her arm across its back and one knee on the cushion in front of her, getting comfortable. “When we first met, we shared a dorm room and expenses, and we also shared the goal of wanting to graduate. But when we graduated, he went to work for a corporation. I took a job at a newspaper. We worked different hours, had totally different goals. The only time our lives intersected was when he needed me to research a few things for him.”
“That’s why you thought he used you?”
She nodded. “I came to terms with the fact that any one of my friends could have asked the same kind of favor and I wouldn’t have thought it unreasonable, then inch by inch I realized that Nick and I had simply grown apart. Cleaning today, I even had some plesant memories.” She smiled. “It’s odd, but it feels good to know I can file him away.”
“Well, you’re about seven steps ahead of me. I don’t think I’ll ever file away Laura Beth.”
She tilted her head in question. “You still love her?”
“No. God, no! But remembering her keeps me from making the same mistake twice.”
“It probably also keeps you from trusting anyone.”
He frowned, wondering how they’d suddenly tumbled into a conversation about him, but also realizing it didn’t feel odd or even awkward to talk about Laura Beth with her.
“The woman I thought I would marry ran off with my best friend. If nothing else, that reminds me that I’m not a good judge of character.”
“And you don’t want to have to change,” she said, raising her eyes heavenward, as if she thought his reasoning ridiculous.
He chuckled, glad that she felt comfortable teasing him. “No, I don’t want to have to apologize for being who I am,” he corrected. “I also don’t want to hurt somebody just by being myself. Especially not you,” he admitted, glad they were getting this out in the open because he wanted to be friends with her. He needed this kind of openness with someone and nobody else in this town had really had the kinds of experiences he and Rayne had had. It was odd, but they were very similar. They’d both left town, gotten educated, become successful and lost the person they considered the love of their life. Instinctively he knew nobody could understand him or his life the way Rayne could. “You’ve been hurt enough.”
“And you don’t want to get hurt, either.”
He couldn’t deny it. “No. Who does?”
“You’re not even willing to take the risk that I might be the kind of person who could tolerate living with you and wouldn’t end up hurting you?”
He’d never thought about taking the risk that she might like him exactly the way he was and wouldn’t hurt him. Just letting the idea pass through his brain gave him an odd syrupy feeling. His long-held fantasy melted with the real woman he was coming to know and like, and crazy feelings erupted inside him. Arousal. Warmth. Happiness. Genuine happiness.
He leaned forward and kissed her.
He expected the kiss to feel wrong or at least dangerous, as it had the other two times he’d kissed her. Instead it felt wonderfully right, and he couldn’t understand why he’d been so hesitant to get involved with her. Everything inside him seemed to respond to her. He had a sense that he could never tire of her, never tire of looking at her or sleeping with her, if only because the better he knew her, the more he wanted her. If the ringing in his ears was anything to go by, she could just about knock him for a loop with a simple kiss.
It took a second before he realized that the ringing noise was the phone. He pulled away. Gazing into her pretty blue eyes, knowing he could get lost in them and lost in her, he whispered, “Don’t you want to get that?”
“No.”
He laughed. “Get it. It could be someone important.”
She slowly unraveled herself from the sofa and reached to the end table to pick up the portable phone. “Hello?”
Jericho sat quietly, trying to sort out his feelings, but when she gasped, “Dad?” everything inside him froze.
“Dad, where are you?” she asked, bouncing from the sofa.
Confusion, curiosity and anger warred inside Jericho. Everybody in town was curious, if only about where her father had gone. Most people wondered why he’d never even called his daughter.
It was his anger that didn’t make any sense. Particularly since he couldn’t stop it. Everybody in town was coming to accept that though Mark Fegan’s motives were bad, critical editorials were part of an election. Having been out of town for the entire debacle, Jericho hadn’t even seen what Mark had written. So he shouldn’t be angry. But he was. He was furious. He hadn’t ever liked Mark Fegan. To Jericho, Mark using his power against a man who was sick was actually an illustration of the greater problem. Fegan didn’t have a heart or a conscience. Using and then deserting his own daughter was the real proof of that.
He didn’t know if Mark Fegan’s call had come at the absolute worst time or the absolute best time, but he did know that a relationship between him and Rayne was not as simple as two people liking each other, enjoying each other’s company or even wanting to be together.
She loved her dad. She wanted him in her life. But Mark Fegan wasn’t a nice man. If Jericho started a relationship with Rayne, her father would be at every Capriotti function from baptisms to funerals. Jericho’s family would always be on edge, wondering if this was the time Mark would become belligerent and start a fight.
Jericho wouldn’t turn Rayne against the only family she had. That wouldn’t be fair. He also wouldn’t put her in a position of having to endure the humiliation of her father becoming the family embarrassment.
Seeing that she was focused on the conversation, Jericho recognized there was always a chance her dad wasn’t coming home. But he also knew that she had missed her dad and he shouldn’t try to cut her conversation short and his very presence might do that. No point in him staying. He’d have to wait until he saw her the next morning to know if he should let himself feel what he wanted to feel for her, or if he should quietly step aside.
Chapter Nine
When Rayne saw Jericho at the diner the next morning, she nearly walked over and took a seat at his booth. But she couldn’t. She knew she couldn’t. He liked her best when she was happy, normal, uncomplicated, and this morning she wasn’t any of those. So pretending to be in too much of a hurry to pause to chat, she smiled and waved from her position at the counter in front of the cash register, then turned away.
The night before they’d shared their first real kiss. Jericho hadn’t kissed her to prove a point or even to demonstrate that his attraction for her was something odd and out of control that he wasn’t sure he wanted. He’d kissed her because he liked her. And why did he like her? Because she’d been relaxed and comfortable in a home that was of her own making and her own taste. He’d seen her quiet, comfortable, confident. At her best. Or at the very least at her most normal. Not somebody so poor she couldn’t eat, so empty and alone she was sarcastic and snippy. But her real self. Her strong self. The woman he liked. Then her father had called and her entire world had fallen apart.
Her “hello” was barely out of her mouth when her father had blurted that he was done. He’d taken responsibility for her mother’s family’s newspaper for decades and he’d run from the loan shark, rather than try to figure out a way to pay his debt because he just couldn’t take it anymore. The good news was that his breakdown wasn’t about Rayne. She was an adult with an education, who could go anywhere and do anything, so he had simply assumed she would move on when he did. He’d told her that she’d been an enormous help for the year she had been home, but when he couldn’t pay the loan shark the burden of the failing newspaper had become too much to bear.
Rayne had hastened to tell him that she’d not only paid off his loan shark, but also she was making the business profitable again. Advertisers were coming out of the woodwork, not just to put ads in the paper, but also seeking a spot on one of several place mats she was creating each mo
nth.
But he’d told her he was done. Finished. He was tired of being the responsible one and he wanted to be free. He wanted to see what life was like when you were the one drawing the paycheck and somebody else had all the responsibility.
Understanding that, Rayne told him that the paper would be there for him when he returned, but he’d exploded and said he didn’t want to return. Ever.
Rayne had to concede that she understood that, too. Her dad had never been popular in Calhoun Corners and after his incessant questioning of Ben Capriotti in the weeks before the election, he was very close to being hated. She accepted everything he told her and wouldn’t have been too upset, except he wouldn’t tell her where he was. He assured her that he was fine. He didn’t want her to worry. But he also didn’t want her to find him. He didn’t want anybody to find him. Then he’d hung up.
Throughout the restless night, Rayne had told herself she didn’t blame her dad. He wasn’t well liked. Calhoun Corners reminded him of his failures. And he did have a right to make a new life while he was still young enough to enjoy it.
Intellectually, she understood. Emotionally, she was spent. She was especially tired of being left behind, being dispensable. Keeping his whereabouts a secret was the same as saying she wasn’t welcome in his life.
Jericho rose from his booth and came over to pay his bill as Elaine handed Rayne her cup of coffee. She smiled a silent greeting, hoping he wouldn’t question her, and turned to leave the diner, but he caught her arm.
“Can we talk?”
In Baltimore, when Rayne was working her way up the ranks at the newspaper where she worked, when she had always dressed well and had tons of friends, she would have swept this man off his feet. In Calhoun Corners, she couldn’t get her act together. She wouldn’t sweep him off his feet because every time she thought she might have a shot, her life fell apart, and she couldn’t stop being another problem to him.
“Rayne?”
“We can talk,” she said, though she knew she wouldn’t tell him anything. What would telling him accomplish, except to make her look like a needy fool? “Pay your check and you can walk me to the paper office.”
He said, “Okay,” gave his money to Elaine and put his hand on the small of Rayne’s back as they walked to the exit.
The bell tinkled when he pushed open the door and directed her outside. She stepped onto the sidewalk, hardly noticing the frigid January air that burned the inside of her nose.
Jericho rubbed his hands together. “Sure is cold.”
She nodded and headed toward her building. It really was her building now. In the course of their phone conversation, her dad had told her that he had been considering selling the building. He’d told her that he believed the paper was worthless, but the building had value—if nothing else, the lot did. However, since she was making a go of the paper he’d decided to deed everything to her. This way if the paper failed, she’d still have the monetary value of the building. All things considered, her dad hadn’t really abandoned her. In fact, he’d given her his only two assets. His home and the building for the Chronicle. She shouldn’t feel too empty and alone.
“Yeah. It’s freezing.”
They walked a block in silence. Finally, Jericho sighed. “I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye last night, but I knew you would probably want to talk to your dad for a while.”
She shrugged. “Yeah, we talked for a long time.”
Jericho kicked the snow. “Good.”
She nodded. “Yeah. It was a good talk.” And she really, really wanted somebody to discuss it with. She longed for someone she could fall apart with, someone who would listen and understand what it felt like to be left alone, but she refused to be in a position again where Jericho would pity her. She didn’t want his pity. She wanted him to love her, respect her, honor her. Instead she was nothing but the village idiot. “I’ve gotta get going.”
“Okay.” He caught her gaze.
Knowing she had to push herself through this without anybody’s help, she smiled broadly, as if she didn’t have a problem in the world. Let Jericho think her dad had told her where he was. Better yet, let him think her dad was coming home.
“I’ve got lots to do today. You know,” she said, gesturing with her hands, not really saying anything substantial, but enough that he’d draw his own conclusions, “with my dad and all.”
“Yeah, there’s probably lots to do at the paper.”
“And at home. If nothing else, it might take me all day to figure out how I’ll explain giving away his books and burning half his articles.”
Jericho laughed. “I’ll bet.”
She nodded. “So I guess I’ll see you around.”
Holding her gaze, Jericho said nothing for a few seconds, then finally he smiled slightly and said, “Yeah.”
Rayne could feel tears welling in her eyes. Why did her life have to be such a mess? Why couldn’t she be in a position where she could flirt and tease and make this man beg for her attention?
She had no idea why fate was tormenting her, but it was. Still, she smiled brightly before she walked away. At her building door, she took out her keys and unlocked it. Stepping inside the main room of what was now her business, Rayne looked around. This was it. This was what she had left of her life.
Glancing from desk to desk, she wondered if her dad was right. Was she only picking up a family burden?
She would have forgotten her Saturday night dinner invitation from the Davises except Alvin called. “Theresa wanted me to remind you about dinner.”
Rayne winced. “Sorry, Alvin. But I’ve been busy.”
“You still have to eat. Theresa’s been cooking all day. I’m not taking no for an answer.”
With that Alvin disconnected the call and Rayne placed her receiver in the phone’s cradle. Because it was already three o’clock and she’d been working since seven that morning, she rose from her seat. As if on autopilot, she drove home, took a long bath to relax her back and dressed in jeans and a sweater. Alvin met her at the door before she knocked.
“Come in! Come in!”
She entered the foyer of the bed-and-breakfast, the scent of roast beef wafted to her and her stomach rumbled. She smiled her first real smile in days.
Obviously having heard her stomach, Alvin smiled, too. “See that. I told you you needed to eat!” He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Theresa! Rayne is here.”
Rayne glanced around the foyer, looking at the family pictures scattered about. “Are these your kids?”
“Yep. These are pictures for the past ten years. It’s a tradition now. Every year each son takes a picture of his respective group when on vacation and at Christmas-time and we put the photos around the rooms.” He smiled proudly. “The newer the picture, the closer it is to the front door. It’s like a slice of their lives for us.”
Rayne picked up a photo of a handsome man with a pretty red-haired wife and three kids with missing teeth.
Alvin winced. “Oh, that was a bad year for the twins. Eleven through thirteen are awkward years for girls.”
“I very painfully remember that because I lived it.”
Alvin laughed and led Rayne into the kitchen where Theresa was setting the roast on the table. “You don’t mind eating early?”
“She needs to eat early,” Alvin said. “I heard her stomach rumbling when I took her coat.”
“Then my timing is perfect!” Theresa pointed to a seat and said, “You sit here, dear.”
They spent the next few minutes passing hot rolls, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots and roast beef around the table. Alvin said a quiet grace and Theresa happily said, “Amen! Let’s dig in.”
Rayne laughed, fully relaxing.
“So what happened in the past few days that made you sound so tired on the phone?” Alvin asked, making conversation.
Rayne smiled and said, “Nothing much.”
“Oh, dear, your shoulders are too tight,” Theresa said solemnly. “S
omething had to have happened.”
Shaking her head, Rayne said, “You’re too observant.”
“We see a lot of people in and out of here. We know the signs,” Alvin said, then took a bite of roast beef.
“Yeah, I guess.” Rayne drew a quick breath. There really was no sense hiding from the truth. “My dad called. He doesn’t want to come home, even though I told him I paid his debt and found a way to make the paper profitable.”
“So he’s running?” Alvin said.
“I think it’s more that he’s tired of working to provide jobs for others, and wants to find out what it’s like to work for somebody else and have real free time and an actual paycheck.”
Theresa considered that, then said, “Makes sense to me.”
“I makes sense to me, too.” Rayne shrugged. “At least logically.”
“But emotionally you’re having doubts?” Theresa asked.
“It’s not really doubts. I feel empty.”
Alvin said, “You need a guy.”
At his complete lack of guile, Rayne laughed. “Oh, really?”
“I think so, too,” Theresa said. “You’re what? Twenty-four? Twenty-five?”
“Twenty-four.”
“And you’re about to take over the business,” Alvin said. “Probably make it your whole life.”
“I don’t want to do that,” Rayne said. “It was my dad’s whole life and look where he is.”
“Which is exactly why you need a fella.” Theresa reached for her coffee. “Life’s all about balance, but without somebody to balance with, you won’t find time for anything but work because work will always seem more important, more pressing.” She took a sip of coffee, then asked, “Is there somebody?”
“No.”
“Of course, there’s somebody,” Alvin scoffed. “Otherwise you would have taken the first road out of Calhoun Corners and never looked back.”
“I stayed so my dad would know he still had the paper to come home to.”
“So why aren’t you going now that he’s called and said he doesn’t want to come home? Why didn’t you pack Friday morning and head out of town?”