by T. L. Clark
“You’re safe here. My number one rule is that it’s absolutely OK to cry, and there’s tissues if you need them. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and nothing you can say that will shock me. I’ve been doing this a long time. I am here to listen, not judge. I understand you’re going through a really difficult time, but it might help if you talk about it.”
Tina looked the woman up and down, and narrowed her eyes. How did she know she could trust her? What if she accidentally said something wrong?
So many what ifs went through that poor girl’s mind. She sat there in silence, going through all the possibilities.
Miss Nodin just sat there quietly and patiently. She could see Tina’s inner struggle.
Finally Tina found the courage to open her mouth.
“I can tell you anything?”
“Yes.”
“And you won’t tell the police?”
“No. Not unless you’re in danger.”
“But my dad’s already been arrested so I’m not in danger.”
“Right.”
“So, how does this work? What do you want to know?”
“This is your space, Tina. You can talk about what you want and need to talk about. You don’t have to amuse me. Just talk.”
“I don’t really know where to start. I mean, you already know what my dad’s done.”
“I do.”
“So, what’s there to talk about?”
“How are you feeling, Tina?”
And with that one simple question Tina’s counselling journey began.
Over the course of time she opened up, but there was always something left unsaid, that Tina wasn’t ready to admit to, even to herself.
At school, Tina had withdrawn even more into herself. She tried to be inconspicuous, it was as if she were a shadow or a ghost, just on the periphery of what the other kids were doing.
One boy had yelled at her in the playground one day, “Look, it’s the whore! Hey Tina, how much do you charge?”
His friends had joined in and laughed at her. She had run away, tears streaming down her face, cheeks burning with shame at what the other kids thought of her.
She barely spoke to anyone. And although she could have a civil conversation with her mum, the relationship was very strained.
The counselling helped her to function academically, but socially she couldn’t talk to anyone. She wanted to move away, to escape from everyone that knew her ugly truth, to start again somewhere, but her mum refused.
Deborah was exhausting herself, trying to take on extra shifts at work to make ends meet, so they wouldn’t lose the house.
The house itself demanded to be kept clean, and then she had to cope with a girl she no longer knew. She would often give Tina money so she could buy food on her walk home from school.
Tina would often end up cooking said food and doing the washing up. She desperately wanted to please her mum, to win back her love. But nothing she did seemed good enough.
Tina was tidying up one day, and returned a pair of her mum’s shoes that she’d left lying around to her wardrobe. A bag fell down and as she picked it up she saw it was opened halfway.
She recognised it as one of her dad’s bags. Curious, she peeked inside. It was stuffed with money. She gasped in surprise. There was hundreds, no thousands of pounds in there.
She showed her mum as soon as she returned home from work.
Instead of being pleased, her mum berated her for snooping. She was angry at yet another obvious betrayal of her husband. He’d obviously been hiding this money from her.
Was there no end to this nightmare? Who had she married? What was this monster? Well, she’d jolly well use the money to keep her house.
She counted the money when she was alone; it really was quite a hoard. It would mean she didn’t have to do extra shifts at least. The financial burden was eased. She hid it somewhere safe.
The police had already been in the house and confiscated the computer. Goodness knows how they missed this. She was just glad they had. And she certainly didn’t want them to discover it if they had to come back for a full search.
It took a very long time, but at last her dad’s trial date arrived. Her father had pleaded ‘not guilty’ in the hopes of staying out of prison.
He’d denied the accusations, thinking there was no physical evidence and this may help clear his name.
Part of him was ashamed of what he’d done, but he couldn’t bear the thought of incarceration.
The police had brought in Victim Support to help Tina deal with the court process. They help victims of many types of crime, and are well versed in the reporting of childhood abuse cases.
Deborah had refused their offered assistance for herself, feeling she didn’t deserve their help.
Tina was to go into a video link room, so she didn’t have to face her tormentor in the actual courtroom. This was supposed to make her feel better, but she was still terribly nervous as she was led into the Live Link room on trembling legs.
She sat down with the person from Victim Support and was indeed well supported, but it was still an ordeal.
Tina had to give an account of all that had happened to her. She broke down in tears as she divulged the details.
She thanked the heavens that she didn’t have to look at her father as she denounced him.
He was sentenced to four years in prison.
Tina should have felt relieved, but she felt guilty. She’d just got her dad locked up. It felt a long way off from a victory to her.
And what would happen in four years? She’d be a grown-up by then. Her inner conflict was massive; relief her dad wouldn’t hurt her any longer was the predominant feeling, but the guilt was playing a major role, excitement for a happy future featured, but then trepidation set in as she realised just how unsure she was about what lay in store for her, and wondered what her future would be.
Deborah felt even more useless as she watched her daughter go through this ordeal. She hated Dean even more than she thought possible. But she hated herself too.
She’d not seen what was happening under her nose, in her own home. She didn’t know how to cope with the shame and the guilt she felt about that.
Once again, someone else was supporting and consoling her daughter better than she could. She scolded herself for being a useless mother, and detached herself further from the situation, which sadly also meant distancing herself away from Tina too.
The court case had also unfortunately attracted publicity, and the teasing at school started up again.
She was shunned as damaged goods, except from the boys who thought it was OK to try to get off with her, who she hit and ran away from. That just led to her reputation as “a psycho”, thanks to the maliciousness of the rejected boys.
Whilst the others were all finding boyfriends and girlfriends, and exploring their sexuality, Tina was doing her best to shrink away from any sexual contact. It wasn’t difficult to do, nobody wanted to get near her now.
Being left alone with no distractions meant Tina had a lot of time to study. Study and paint. She would save up her pocket money and spend it on art supplies. She kept her portfolio hidden away. It was for her own amusement.
Sometimes she would paint dark abstracts, which echoed her pain. Sometimes she would draw friendly faces, just so she had a smile to look at when she was feeling lonely.
Somehow, she managed to get good grades in her GCSEs, probably thanks to the aforementioned lengthy study periods alone. She got an A* in art. But she focussed on maths and finance when she went to college.
She found the world of numbers strangely comforting. There were rules that numbers had to follow; a logical pattern she found reassuring.
Fortunately, this meant she mixed with a new set of people at college. She was still shy though, and kept herself apart, scared someone would find out what she really was. She didn’t go to parties. She was looked upon as ‘the serious one’ and people accepted that.
One of her classmates noticed her though. Julian was seventeen, and was really sweet. It was his soft, gentle nature that allowed Tina to say hello when he began talking to her.
It had taken him over a term to pluck up the courage to do so. He was a bit daunted by her beauty, and she was so quiet it was almost impossible to start a conversation with her. But as time had gone on he knew he had to find something to break the ice.
Tina was in the library, quietly studying. Julian took the opportunity of taking the vacant chair next to her, and whispered across, “Can I borrow that text book after you, please?”
He’d been trying to speak to her for ages, yet this was the best he could come up with? He felt disappointed in himself, but he had to start somewhere.
“Sure,” was Tina’s whispered response.
“How are you finding the course? It seemed easy at first, but now we’re getting into it, I’m struggling a bit to be honest.”
“I don’t think we’re supposed to be talking in here,” she warned.
“Can we maybe go to the cafeteria then? I’d really appreciate your guidance. You seem like a natural.”
“That’s because I read the text books,” she huffed, and went back to her reading.
Julian was a little hurt by her rebuke. He didn’t really need her help, he just thought it may get her talking.
He picked up his bag and skulked out of the library to lick his wounds and come up with a better plan. As if someone as intelligent as her would fall for the ‘I need extra help’ line anyway.
The next day Julian bought his lunch and took it to where Tina was already sitting.
“Mind if I join you?” he asked hopefully.
She shrugged which he took as acceptance. He carefully sat down, as if he was going to disturb her peace if he moved too quickly.
“So, besides being a maths genius, what else do you like doing?” he tried.
“Not much really.”
She didn’t mean to sound rude, but there wasn’t a lot to tell him.
“I like films. Sci-fi mainly.”
“Oh.” She meant it as an affirmation, but was really thinking ‘what a geek’.
“OK. So, clearly not up to chatting?”
“Sorry. There’s not much to me really. I don’t have enough free time to go out.”
“Why?”
“I help my mum. She works a lot, so I do a lot of chores.”
Actually, Deborah had stopped working so much, and had started going out with friends sometimes. She just told Tina she was going out to work. She had to escape the house, and she needed to let her hair down a bit.
“That doesn’t sound fun. Where’s your dad?”
Tina paused. She hadn’t expected the question, and wasn’t prepared with an answer. She drew a breath before vaguely replying, “He’s not around.”
“My dad left my mum five years ago. It can be really tough. But you get through it.”
“Yeah. I guess. Well, it was nice talking to you.”
Tina stood up to leave.
“Wait. Would you like to go see a film some time? I’ll pay of course. I’m sure you can escape just for a little while?”
Tina shook her head. “Sorry. I can’t.”
Then she dashed away before he could push it any further.
Outside, in the fresh air, Tina drew a deep refreshing breath. Did that boy just ask her out on a date?
She’d said hello to Julian in class, naturally. She may even have shared a few sentences on equations, but she’d never picked up on any hint of attraction.
He was nice, and he had soft brown eyes. He looked kind. And she’d just turned him down. She started wondering why, but she already knew.
She knew she wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted, and that ultimately the relationship was doomed. Dating just wasn’t on her agenda; not now, maybe not ever.
But as Julian walked into their afternoon class she noticed how dejected he looked. She felt sorry for him. She didn’t want to hurt him. Maybe she was being paranoid?
She’d not ever had a boyfriend. How did she know until she tried?
She looked over at Julian. He really was nice looking. He lifted his head and his gaze met hers. A hint of a smile played at the corners of his mouth. She walked over, her feet carrying her, her brain unaware of what she was really intending to do.
“I’m sorry if I sounded rude,” she said.
“Don’t worry about it. It was just a thought.”
“Maybe we could go to see a film? I’ll clear it with my mum.”
What she really meant was, she was going to check the planner and see when her mum was next working nights so she could sneak off after college without having to tell her.
But Julian didn’t have to know that. And now he was smiling at her. Such a lovely white smile! It created little dimples in his cheeks.
They only had to wait a few days before their first date.
They caught the bus into town. Going to the cinema was a brilliant idea. It gave Tina a good excuse for not talking, yet they could enjoy being in each other’s company.
She sat in the darkness, not really paying attention to the screen. She was busy trying to get used to having a male so close to her.
She realised she’d had some sort of barrier around her ever since ‘the trouble’ and nobody had really come close to her. She hadn’t even noticed.
She’d sort of shut down on the day of realisation, and just drifted along in a quiet ebb.
She’d never been actively social, and she had found her own way of coping on her own. Other people always started talking and then asking questions, and then things got awkward.
But it was nice now, sitting next to Julian. She thought she might be able to get used to this.
When the film was over Julian insisted on catching the bus to her house with Tina, to make sure she got home safely.
She stiffened when he leaned in and kissed her cheek, but then he pulled away, and she released her breath. OK, that wasn’t too bad. She could cope with that.
“Thanks for a really nice afternoon. We’ll have to do it again soon.” Julian commented, yet questioned.
“Yes. I’d like that.” Tina admitted shyly.
They had a few dates like that. And Tina gradually started to relax.
Julian wasn’t really aware of it, but he was slowly starting to dismantle her brick wall barrier. He just knew the more he got to know this strange quiet girl the more he liked her.
They had started chatting at college in their breaks. Tina never gave any details away. She always tried to get Julian to do the talking, so she could avoid it.
There was no easy way of discussing her life without saying what happened with her dad, and she felt quite convinced he would run a mile if she told him.
She didn’t want to scare him off. She was starting to really like Julian. She wasn’t lying, just omitting some details about her life.
Tina invited Julian into her house for a drink one day. The trouble is she meant for a drink, and he thought it was an invitation for more.
Their kisses had only ever been light pecks before, but now he was in her house he felt it was OK to give her a proper kiss.
They were sitting in the kitchen, and he moved closer to Tina. His head drew nearer to hers.
Tina felt tingles rise in her body, and her breath hitched. She looked into his eyes and saw lust.
She pulled away, scared by what she’d seen.
“Are you OK? What’s wrong?” a bewildered Julian asked.
“Sorry. I just wasn’t ready.”
Tina took a deep breath. She could do this. This wasn’t her father.
This was nice, gentle, kind Julian.
She momentarily closed her eyes, took another deep breath and let herself be drawn in to the kiss.
Julian somehow knew to take it gently. He widened his mouth a little, and gradually increased the passion. His lips caressed hers so lovingly, Tina’s insides turned to jelly.
She was wrapped up in his arms, and was slowly relaxing. But she had a breaking point, and she pulled away. She smiled bashfully at Julian, “You’re a good kisser.”
“You’re not so bad yourself.”
But he was disappointed. She clearly wasn’t going any further today.
He was so confused. Why had she invited him in? He went home soon after that.
Tina was relieved when he went, and tried to get her thoughts back in order.
She felt something for this boy, and his kiss was really good, but she also felt her own resistance to him.
She couldn’t trust her feelings. She felt so jaded by her past. It all felt a bit bewildering.
Tina caught up with Julian at college the next day. “Sorry I got a bit weird yesterday,” she apologised.
“It’s OK. I’m guessing that was your first proper kiss?”
“Yeah. Kind of,” she told him.
She missed off the rest of the sentence which was in her head ‘unless you count my own father’s kisses’. It turned her stomach even to have the words in her head. There was no way she could bring herself to say them.
“Well, that explains a lot. You should have said. I’m sorry. You probably think I’m a jerk now.”
“No. I’d never think that about you. You’re lovely. I’m sorry I didn’t say. I just didn’t know how.”
Yeah, that sounded plausible. She’d go along with the story that she was a virgin. That would explain the awkwardness.
The next kiss was a little easier, and each one after that.
Tina began to build her trust along with her love for Julian. She felt so lucky to have such a patient, lovely boyfriend.
They gradually built their way up to sex, and Julian thought he was going to explode with frustration. But they finally got there.
They were sitting on Tina’s bed, which had been replaced not long after her dad’s arrest. It had been clear Tina was never going to sleep on her old one again, so her mum gave in and bought her a replacement.
Julian started pecking his way across Tina’s cheek and across to her mouth. He moved his body closer to hers as his mouth brushed hers.
She could feel his warmth, and was melting into his soft kiss. His tongue caressed hers, and she felt the flames of desire start to lick their way through her.