by T. L. Clark
“Look, I’m sorry. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No. You’re right. It’s not fair. I owe you my whole story. I’ll see you later, okay?”
It was Frank’s time to fear the moment of revelation this time. He spent a very uncomfortable day, mulling over how he’d even begin to tell Tina about his troubles.
Could she understand? How could anyone imagine the feelings of alienation when they’d not been through it? He’d been bullied by people who saw his isolation as a sign of weakness; it had made him an easy target.
He’d been reviled by his father, and now felt like an outcast in his own home. He’d been made to feel like there was something wrong with him; a disease that should be hidden away.
And here he was, about to take the bandage off and show his hideous truth to his friend.
Tina was a great girl, even though there would never be a romantic involvement he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it.
He’d been alone for so long he couldn’t bear it if his only friend retreated. She had seem fine with the fact he was gay, but she’d also been disappointed.
And then there was the way she was already treating him differently. She’d almost not even said hello this morning.
He was seriously worried she was already considering pulling away. What if his story put the final nail in that coffin? But then what was a friendship worth if you couldn’t be yourself?
God knew Frank had not been himself for years, and it was getting boring. He hoped more than anything that with Tina he could reveal his true self.
It would be pure bliss to be able to just relax with one person, to have a respite from ‘the show’.
Frank was agonising over his dilemma all the way to Tina’s house.
Her mum was still thankfully at work. He had time to tell his tale, to roll the dice and see where they lay.
He and Tina walked into the house in complete silence. Tina hadn’t quite known what to say, sensing something big was waiting to unfold, and knowing it had to wait until they were alone.
Tina went into the kitchen and snuck a small glass of red wine from her mum’s box which sat on the counter.
It was her mum’s habit to down a glass at the end of “a long shift”, which to Tina seemed to be all of them. But she didn’t feel it was her place to say anything.
“Here, you look like you could use this,” she said handing the glass to Frank.
He smiled at her as he accepted the ‘Dutch courage’ and checked whether her mum would mind.
“It’s the joy of her having boxes of the stuff,” Tina admitted, “she never notices if a bit goes astray.
“You do this often?” Frank asked.
“No. Just occasionally, you know, just for medicinal purposes,” she winked.
She took a seat on the sofa next to her confidant.
“So, why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?” she asked warily.
“Probably ‘cos you’re not,” Frank replied awkwardly. “Oh God, right. Well, you know I’m gay. Well, you’re one of a very select few that do. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s not I hid it just from you or anything. I mean. I try to hide it from everyone. I have to.”
“Why?” Tina asked when Frank started to struggle for words.
“Two words; my dad. The bruises? They’re from him. He gets carried away sometimes. He’s not an arsehole. Not like yours. I mean…oh I’m saying this all wrong. It’s just he…my dad hates me being gay. To him I’m not. Not anymore.
“When I was growing up there were signs, just little things that made him realise I’m not normal. I was more interested in helping my mum bake than helping my dad in the garden. I hated getting my hands grubby. I resisted any attempts he made to make me play football. I was always quiet and thoughtful. I wouldn’t thunder around the house yelling at the top of my voice.
“Over the years all those little things added up. I hit my teens and wasn’t showing any interest in girls, but I’d look at the boys passing me by in the street. And my dad tried, oh God how he tried…” Frank’s voice cracked as he tried to hold back the tears.
He drew his thumb and finger in towards his nose, as if trying to squeeze out the pain which had accumulated there.
“It’s okay,” Tina soothed. “Take your time.”
She grabbed his free hand and rubbed it gently with her thumb. “I’m still here.”
Boosted by this small gesture of reassurance Frank took a few deep breaths before continuing.
“The funny thing is it’d be most boys’ dream,” he sneered.
“My dad would buy me lads mags, trying to get me interested in all the titties, but they just made me feel sick. When I was alone I’d desperately flick through the pages trying to find pictures of men.”
Frank covered his face with his hands.
“When I fantasised it was with the images of men in my head. And then I’d cry afterwards, ashamed of my depravity.”
Tears were flowing down his cheeks now, as he made his confession.
“My dad had tried talking to me nicely, explaining it wasn’t God’s way to make someone like this. That I should be interested in girls. He explained how homosexuality is a sin. He doesn’t even go to church every week, the hypocrite,” Frank bit the words out through clenched teeth.
“But then apparently that’s my fault too. He felt unworthy of the house of God. How could he go to worship when his very own son was a sinner? It only got worse as time went by. Then one day he pushed me. He shoved me backwards, making me stumble. He dared me to retaliate “I’ll make a man of you yet,” he shouted at me. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do.
“He shoved me again, “come on then, fight me,” he spat as he put his face right up to mine. I’ve never seen him so angry. And all the pent up anger and self-loathing just bubbled up inside me. Before I knew what I was doing I shoved him back. I’m so ashamed of myself now, but I couldn’t help it. I was yelling back at him, “ is this what you want? Is it?” I screamed as I pushed harder. He shoved back and I nearly fell. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I thought he was going to kill me.
“You should have seen his face. He pulled his fist back, but before he unleashed his fury I let go of mine. I punched my dad. I caught him square in the jaw. I had never hit anyone before. It hurt like hell. But not as much as his return swing.
“I was off school for a week until my black eye subsided enough for me to show my face again. My mum wrote a note saying I had flu. She always takes his side. When my dad hit me I fell on the floor. He stepped closer so he could look down on me. You know what he said?”
Tina shook her head.
“That’s more like it,” Frank was shaking his head, “Can you believe that? The son-of-a-bitch actually smiled as if he’d achieved some great victory.
“After that I decided it was safer for me to play his game. On the days I had PE I’d stay behind after school. I’d tell my parents I was playing football. They never twigged as my kit was returned dirty. I don’t know if they knew I was lying and happy to go along with the deception, or whether they genuinely believed me. But I’d stay behind in the school library. It was quiet and it felt safe. It was a million times better than going home, and I could sit and draw undisturbed by anyone. It was the happiest time of my week. Shit, that sounds tragic,” he sighed. “So, that’s how you didn’t know I was gay.”
“Shit Frank. I don’t know what to say,” Tina said softly, feeling confused.
She was hurt, sad and angry all at once for her friend.
“I made the mistake of confiding in a friend at school. You should have seen him. It was like I had said I’d grown two heads. He physically backed away from me, like I was suddenly going to make a pass at him, or something.
“Then the bullying started. I’d find ‘fag’ painted on my locker. Boys would walk up behind me; on good days they’d mock me. On bad days they’d corner me in a classroom an
d kick the crap out of me. My dad was reassured that I was getting into fist fights.
“Can you imagine that? The person who should have been protecting me was actually on my tormentor’s side. He thought it was a sign I was ‘manning up’ and rough housing. He refused to see it for what it was; homophobic assault.”
“So the bruises on your arm?” Tina asked, trying to encourage Frank to continue.
He shook his head.
“No. That was just my dad. He started getting worried the gayness was returning and pinned me to the wall by my arms. He was just interrogating me. Of course, I told him I’m straight. No way I’m ever going there again. What the hell do you think he’d do if he actually knew rather than just thought I’m gay? Fuck, he might actually kill me,” Frank hung his head, and felt his despair surround him.
“My father hates me. And still all I want to do is make him proud.”
“Frank, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
“At least your dad’s in prison. Mine’s still fucking me,” Frank blurted out.
He took one look at Tina, at the pain his words caused her.
He gasped, “Oh Tina. I’m so sorry. That was an awful thing to say.”
He was reaching for her hands, but she withdrew from him.
“Tina, fuck. I didn’t mean it. Shit. I’m so so sorry. I was so wrapped up... Please. Please don’t hate me. Sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” he was crying again now.
Tina’s heart broke. She knew he didn’t mean what he had said. It still hurt like hell, but she knew he was just angry.
She reached out and held his hand.
“It’s OK. But I think I need some of that,” she said taking the now half empty glass of wine from Frank.
She took a sip, then another. It felt good. Its warmth spread through her. She gulped down some more.
“Steady,” Frank warned her.
“Or what? What’s going to happen?” she grinned, downing the rest of the glass.
She strode into the kitchen and poured a glass of wine for herself, and a fresh one for Frank.
“OK, but your mum’s going to notice.”
“So what? What’s she going to do? We’ve already faced the worst, right?”
“Right,” Frank chimed as he clinked their glasses together. “Bottoms up!”
“In your dreams,” Tina teased.
Frank almost spat his wine back out.
“You witch!” he yelped, but he was grinning.
Then he started giggling, which led to him laughing. Tina was laughing along with him. It wasn’t that what she’d said was funny. It was quite insulting, if anything. But it was a catalyst.
They’d both relived the horrors of their childhood in the telling of their tales, but it felt good to share it.
It was no longer a dirty secret hidden away from the rest of the world. They had each found someone to confide in, and it bound them together all the more closely.
It felt good to shed some of the load; it was cathartic. And once they started laughing they couldn’t stop.
Neither of them were used to drinking, and it really didn’t take much for them to get drunk.
They chatted and watched a film as they drank themselves into oblivion. It was the best night of their lives.
They found a freedom with each other that had been lacking so badly before.
For that one night they felt like they could do anything, be anything. Their souls soared like the proverbial bird set free from its cage.
They finally collapsed in a heap on the sofa together and fell sound asleep, at least until Tina’s mum got home.
Well actually, fortunately for them it had been a very long hard shift for Deborah, and she didn’t turn any lights on, didn’t go into the lounge or even the kitchen for her usual wine. She just went straight upstairs to bed, where she just about managed to change out of her clothes before collapsing onto her bed and into a deep sleep.
So the pair slept soundly, and woke in the morning with rather sore heads. They felt awful and both swore not to drink again as they staggered into the kitchen for some much needed water.
They were as quiet as possible so as not to awake the slumbering Deborah. Frank made sure Tina was OK and left as quickly, worrying about what his father was going to do to him when he got home.
Tina was left to quietly clean up and dispense of the evidence of their illicit evening.
Frank tried to let himself into his house quietly, but his father was waiting for him.
“Where the hell have you been? Your mother’s been worried sick,” he bellowed as soon as Frank was through the front door.
“Round Tina’s. Sorry. I should have called...” he began, but was interrupted by his shocked father.
“Tina? And just who is Tina?”
“She’s my girlfriend if you must know,” he blurted out without thinking.
Well, she was a girl and she was a friend, so he wasn’t exactly lying.
“Your girlfriend? You have a girlfriend?” His father’s attitude had completely changed, and was that a hint of a smile?
Frank merely nodded, and found himself swept up in his dad’s arms.
“Oh my boy, I knew it was just a phase. I’m so happy for you. The Lord has blessed us.”
He was so happy that Frank couldn’t bring himself to correct him now. Besides, he hoped it would keep the old man off his case. And you know what? It did.
His father grilled him for more details, and then insisted on meeting the girl who had “turned his son”.
Frank suspected this was his father’s way of making sure his son was truly straight.
It made him feel sick to his stomach, but he wanted his father to be happy for him. He desperately wanted his father to be proud of him. And he was even more anxious not to go through another beating.
He had underplayed the incident when he’d told Tina. He’d been really quite seriously injured and lived in fear that one day his father would actually kill him should he reveal the truth about his sexuality.
It was a very awkward conversation at college on the following Monday, but Tina was surprisingly agreeable.
“Tina. Look. I’m really sorry, but when I got home my dad was ready to tear strips off me for being out all night. When he asked where I’d been I told him I had been at yours. And, well, he assumed you were my girlfriend, and I didn’t correct him.”
Tina actually laughed.
“Wow, I’m privileged,” she chuckled.
“Yeah, but he wants to meet you. You know, like proof.”
“He wants to meet me?”
That stopped the laughter quite rapidly.
“Yeah. He says you’re to come round for dinner Friday night. Is that a problem? Am I asking too much from our friendship to ask you to do this for me? Will you go along with it? Please?”
“Of course. Frank, I want you to be happy. If this is what it takes so be it.”
She put an arm around his shoulders. Then her face dropped.
“Oh, but mum’s going to be home. I’ll have to ask her.”
“Will she mind?”
Tina snorted, “Ha. Weird, isn’t it? Here I am pretending to be your girlfriend. And I think I’ll be doing the opposite. I’ll have to tell her I’m going round a girl friend’s house. No way would she let me go round a boy’s house.”
“I don’t get it. Doesn’t she want you to be happy?”
“No. I don’t think she does,” she admitted sadly.
“It’s like she blames me for stealing her husband, so now I can’t ever have a boy of my own. I don’t deserve it in her eyes. At least, that’s what I think. I just know she forbids contact with the opposite sex. I’m surprised she didn’t send me off to an all girl’s school, or something. Not that it matters. I’m not exactly up for a relationship. Maybe I should turn gay too?”
“Don’t. Please,” Frank interrupted, suddenly serious. “It’s not something to joke about.”
“Shit. Sorry. I wasn’t th
inking. No. I know it’s not something people choose.”
She was blushing wildly.
“It’s OK. I’m sorry. I’m just a bit sensitive about it. I know you weren’t being serious. Ignore it.”
It was his turn to look sheepish. Tina looked at him and then laughed.
“What are we like?” she guffawed and gave her mate a hug.
So it was arranged, somewhat awkwardly and with many lies being told, Tina was allowed out Friday night.
There was a nervous moment when Frank’s father wanted to pick Tina up from her house, but they managed to arrange it so she just went home with Frank straight from college.
She was so nervous, and was slightly overdressed for the occasion, both of which actually helped with the deception.
Frank’s father naturally assumed the nerves were because the girl was meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, and had overdressed to create a good impression. ‘Just as any nice girl should’, Frank’s father mused to himself.
The dinner was incredibly uncomfortable, and was more of an interrogation.
“So, where did you two meet?” Frank’s father asked, peering down his nose and with a cocked eyebrow.
“At college,” was Tina’s shaky yet short answer.
“I see. And what are you studying?”
“Finance.”
“But you met Frank at college, despite him studying a completely different subject?”
He really hated his son doing Art & Design, but Frank had assured him it was so he could get into design more, perhaps even car design. His father chose to believe that.
“Well, yes sir. You see, I was in the library studying…” Tina fidgeted with the corners of her napkin and cast her eyes downwards as she replied.
“Oh, so you do study then?” he asked with some surprise.
“Oh yes. I need to get good grades. I’m hoping to become an accountant.”
“An accountant?” he asked incredulously.
“Well, yes…” Tina was suddenly worried she had said something wrong.
But Frank’s father let the corners of his mouth edge into the start of a smile. At least Tina thought it was a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes, and she thought it could just as easily have been gas.