by Craft, Maggi
“You want to hold them?” I asked, trying to break the tension.
She looked at me and smiled. “Yeah, I really do.” She walked over and got the boy out of his bed as Slayde came in. He smiled at her and looked at me to see if I was OK. I smiled at him too.
“Milly and Eddie are here. I’m going to walk down to get some coffee with them so you can visit. Would either of you like anything?” Slayde asked; he left after we both declined.
“He’s really a nice guy, isn’t he,” Mom said.
“Yeah, he is. He’s really good to me. I’m very lucky.”
“His mom seems very nice too. You seem to get along well with her. I’m glad you have someone like that in your life.”
I really didn’t know what to say. I felt kind of bad at first, but I didn’t think that was how she meant me to feel. “Yes, she is wonderful. She’s always been there for me.” I know that could have been taken in many ways, but she didn’t say anything.
We visited a little longer before Slayde, Milly, and Eddie came in. And I was glad Mom had come.
The rest of the day was full of visitors, including Casey, Zac, Taylor, Brady, Aubry, and Chief Robbins.
Later that evening, after everyone was gone, Slayde and I finally decided on their names. We chose Ava and Noah.
Ava was a little jaundiced by the third day, and they wanted to keep her until her bilirubin levels were down. Noah seemed to be on the borderline, so they decided to keep him as well. So I was released before the babies were, and we had to go home without them. I had never even thought about that happening. No one can prepare you for going home without your babies. Luckily I knew most of the doctors in that hospital and felt confident that my children were going to be OK. Slayde and I both slept for ten hours that first night.
I still had to pump and store milk at home to bring back to the hospital. This was the most overrated part of motherhood. I hated everything about it. The only thing I hated more was actually breast-feeding. It hurt, and it just felt weird. I wasn’t really comfortable with any of it, and I was only doing it because I knew I needed to. Those mothers who breast-fed until their kids were toddlers really freaked me out. Maybe it had something to do with the lack of intimacy I had with my own mother. I didn’t know, nor did I care. I just thought it was weird, and nothing was changing my mind on that.
By the time the twins were home, I was completely worn out. Running back and forth to the hospital for two days, trying to pump enough milk for both of them, and just trying to take care of myself had completely worn me out. I didn’t see how people did this more than once. Asking Slayde to get a vasectomy sounded like a great idea at the time. That or just never having sex again. At this point, I was fine with that too. I didn’t know if it was just my issues or the fact that I was exhausted, but I wasn’t getting this mother thing as quickly as I thought at first.
I felt like all I did was feed a baby and hand him or her off to someone else in order to feed another one. Then they slept, and I did it all again. I started to supplement formula at least half the time because I wasn’t making enough milk. That helped, because Slayde or someone else could feed them, but either way, once they were fed, it seemed someone else held them until they were asleep.
The first few weeks I felt like I was walking around in someone else’s life. I felt like I was no longer the same person. I loved them like you love anyone who is related to you, but I didn’t feel like I understood the motherly bond women always talked about. Maybe I wasn’t going to have one.
Slayde was able to go back to work, but I couldn’t. I had to stay home with the babies. Once my body felt well enough to go back, I wanted to go back, but knew I shouldn’t feel that way. So it made me angry with Slayde. I resented that he was able to go on with his life. The same life he had had before but now with the excitement of coming home to cute little babies he hadn’t fed, diapered, or rocked to sleep in twelve hours.
I had Casey and Lexi helping, of course, but still. He was able to go be himself. Me, I didn’t think my old self existed anymore. And I wasn’t sure I liked the new me, whoever I was.
Chapter 20
Slayde
After the twins were born, I was able to run back and finish the filming in just nine days. Casey and Mom were both staying at the house with Arden, so I felt quite sure that my family was in good hands. This was a relief because, in all honesty, I wasn’t sure Arden should be left alone with the babies. She was stressed and anxious and just in a bad place. I had never seen her so insecure about where she was in life as she was now. I knew she was trying her best, but it just didn’t seem to come to her as easily as I thought it would. I was trying to pretend like I didn’t notice, but I was worried about her.
When I got home, Arden had gone with Milly to lunch. I supposed that was fine, but I hadn’t expected her to up and leave the babies so soon.
Mom was in the kitchen, boiling bottles and nipples. She was determined a germ wouldn’t enter this house. “Slayde, she needs to get out of this house. It’s not a big deal,” Mom explained as she turned off the burner.
I leaned up against the counter where she was putting up dry bottles. “I’m not trying to make a big deal about it, Mom, but I just think she’s not really attached to them. It’s kind of weird. I didn’t walk around with them inside my body for months, and I hate being away from them. I don’t know.”
“You’re right. You don’t know. You can come and go as you please, and that wouldn’t be a deal breaker for those babies. But that’s not the case for her. It’s a lot of pressure. Leave her alone, Slayde. She’ll come around, I promise.”
I wanted to believe her, but I just didn’t get it!
An hour or so later, Arden and Milly made it back home.
“Did you have fun?” I said to Arden and kissed her. “You smell like alcohol. Have you been drinking?”
“Yes, Daddy, I had a few margaritas at lunch with Milly.” She looked at Milly and rolled her eyes.
“Arden, I’m not trying to act like your daddy. I’m just thinking you probably shouldn’t be drinking when you’re breast-feeding. You know what you consume gets passed on to the babies.”
“Slayde, I’m a doctor. You think I don’t know how the human body works? I have pumped and stored enough milk for the next two days. I’m not going to feed this milk to the babies,” she said, pointing at her boobs, and then she walked out.
I looked at Milly for help. “What’s going on with her?” I asked.
She just shrugged and gave me a hug. “Don’t be so hard on her. This is not as easy on her as it is on you. Remember that,” Milly said.
“What do you mean by that? I’m here. I’m helping her. I’m getting up with them just like she is. I change more diapers than she does, Milly.”
“No, it’s not that.” She got quiet a moment, like she wasn’t going to finish; then she lowered her voice, which let me know she didn’t want Arden to hear her. “You get to go back to your normal life. Back to the gym. Back to work. Back to doing exactly what you would have been doing before this. She can’t do that.”
“Well, I wouldn’t think she would want to.”
“Slayde, she wants to be a surgeon. Not a stay-at-home mom. She loves you, and she loves the babies, but she’s still the same person she was before this. She still wants the same things. So don’t make her feel guilty for that.”
“How am I making her feel guilty?” I was becoming defensive and a little angry.
“No one said you were. I’m just saying she already feels guilty or wrong for not wanting to be what you want her to be.”
“All I want is for her to be happy. Whatever that means.”
She hugged me. “Tell her that. Bye, Slayde.”
That night Casey and I got up with the babies. Arden never moved. No matter what Milly said, this was like a bad dream. I didn’t know what I had expected her to do, but this wasn’t it. It wasn’t like she had it hard. She had a live-in nanny, and I had hired a housekeepe
r who came every day. Mom was there, and I did more than she did. You would have thought that her world had ended, the way she acted. During the day, she did help with them, but she was their mother—you would think that she would be doing more of the work, not the helping. I knew Mom had told me not to say anything, but I really needed to.
The next morning, I went into our bedroom where Arden was folding burp cloths. I sat down next to her on the bed. “Arden, is everything OK with you?”
“What do you mean?” she asked, never looking up from her folding.
“I mean, ever since the twins have been home, you haven’t been yourself.”
“Why is that? Because I am not having sex with you three times a day?” She looked at me very coldly. I felt like I didn’t know this woman.
“Hell no, that’s not what I’m talking about. I wouldn’t mind that, but that’s not it.”
“Well, then, what is it?”
“You aren’t really acting like you want to be here. Do you not want to be here?”
She didn’t say anything for a moment. Her silence scared me. I had always been scared she might change her mind and leave me, but I never thought I would still be worrying about that after we had kids together. “I don’t know.” She started to cry.
I wasn’t sure what to say, if anything, at this point. I was confused and angry, but I was more concerned than anything else. She’d stopped folding but wasn’t looking at me. I grabbed her hands. “What do you mean, you don’t know? Don’t you still love me?”
“Of course I still love you. I just feel … ” She was trying to catch her breath.
I wanted to console her, but I was paralyzed with fear. I knew she had the power to destroy my whole world.
“I feel like I don’t belong here. All I do is feed them or pump milk and then hand them back to someone else who wants to hold them or kiss all over them. You, your mom, hell, even Casey. You all act like you are so beside yourselves with how in love you are with them, and I still feel like I don’t know them.” She laid her head on her pillow and cried.
I sat down beside her. “Baby, you’re the one who’s done all the hard stuff. All we can do is play with them. We can’t breast-feed them or do the things you can. So we play with them, because that’s all we have to offer. You’ve sacrificed more than anyone for them.”
“I feel like a horrible person. I have two beautiful, healthy babies and a wonderful loving husband, and all I want to do is run away. I just wish I could be my old self again. I feel like the old me, the real me, is gone, and I’m riddled with guilt because I hate it. Being a mother is supposed to be the most selfless job in the world, but all I want to do is be selfish and go back to work.”
I didn’t really know what to say. I wasn’t mad. I was just worried about her. I squeezed her hands. “Are you tired?”
“No, I got a good nap today. Why?”
“Why don’t we let Casey have the night off, and you and I get up together with the babies?” I really thought that if she saw that she could do it by herself, she would feel better.
She didn’t look too excited about the idea. “I don’t know. You think that’s a good idea?”
“I think it’s a great idea. I’ll get the bottles made for the night, and when they get up, we can both feed them.” She didn’t look too convinced, but she agreed.
Around five, Casey helped me put them down for their nap, and she got ready to go to her fiancé’s for the night. “All right, if you need me to come back, just call me, OK? I can come back,” Casey said.
“No, you relax and enjoy the night off. We’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks!” Before she got out the door, I stopped her. “Casey, do you think she’s gonna be all right? I mean, have you ever worked with a mom who didn’t want to hold her own babies?”
She hesitated for a minute and then walked back toward me, I was assuming so she could talk quietly and Arden wouldn’t hear her. “Yes, I have, and they did come out of it eventually. It takes a little time. I think there’s a strong likelihood that she is suffering from a mild case of postpartum. Just back off and don’t ask her a lot of questions. That will make her feel worse about how she feels. I think she’s having a harder time than we know. Are you sure you don’t want me to just stay here in case?”
“No. I think we need to try it by ourselves, but thanks. See you tomorrow.”
Mom had left a little while before Casey. So now it was just the four of us. I decided to make all of the bottles while the babies were sleeping. Arden hated breast-feeding, so she pumped what she could, and we supplemented the rest with formula.
She came into the kitchen while I was getting everything together. “Is everyone gone?”
“Yep. Do you want me to cook you something?”
“Banana pancakes?”
“You want me to cook you banana pancakes?” I asked, stifling a laugh.
“I sure do.”
“All right. Banana pancakes it is.” I popped her on the butt with a dishtowel as she walked out of the kitchen.
As soon as I started cooking, I heard one of the babies start to cry. I stopped what I was doing and headed to the nursery. Arden was already in there, and she had picked Ava up and sat down in the rocking chair, holding her. Ava had immediately gone back to sleep, but Arden didn’t lay her back down like she normally did. She sat there and held her for a little while, which made me feel a little better. I was standing where she couldn’t see me, but I still decided to let her have some alone time. I went back to the kitchen to finish making her something to eat. After a few minutes, she joined me in the living room, where I had put her food.
“Yummy, I am starving. Maybe I should be eating celery instead of fattening pancakes,” she said.
“Babe, you’re still hot. You have three-week-old twins, and you are almost back into regular clothes already. I don’t even think that’s normal.”
“Whatever—I look like a cow.” She rolled her eyes at me.
I laughed. “You do not look like a cow.”
“I do think I’ll miss these boobs, though, after I let my milk dry up. I always wondered if I’d want big boobs, and now I know I definitely do.”
“There’s nothing wrong with your boobs.”
“No, not now. But before, I didn’t have boobs, I had tits, and that’s completely different. Now I just don’t know if I want to go back to that,” she explained.
“Well, you can breast-feed as long as you want.” I knew she wouldn’t like that, and sure enough, she made a horrible face.
“No, thanks. In three weeks, I’m done. I’ll just get a boob job.” I didn’t know what I thought about that, but I wasn’t gonna tell her. “Maybe I’ll get some like your friend from Range Rover,” she said. We both laughed.
“Oh, please don’t!” I said.
We ate, watched some TV, and relaxed. It was nice to be home with her and have her be in a good mood. I realized how much I had missed her the last month.
The babies woke up around eight. She and I tag-teamed it, and it went smoothly. Nothing stressful. Arden seemed to be happy, which made me happy. After we put them back down, she and I got in bed and watched TV like we used to. She even put her head on my chest and let me hold her. That was the first time she’d done that in months. I started to feel like we might be about to turn a corner.
“When do you start filming again?” she asked.
“Three weeks.”
“Where?”
“Chicago.”
“Oh!” I felt her body stiffen.
“What’s the matter?” I knew that tone.
“Nothing, I just forgot you were going to be that far away, that’s all.” Then she let me go and rolled over. “Good night.” So much for our good night. The ice princess was back.
“Please come back. Don’t sleep on your side of the bed.” I tried to pull her back to me.
“I’m tired, Slayde, and you know we can’t do anything for a few more weeks anyway.”
“I’m not trying
to have sex with you,” I assured her.
She interrupted me. “I know. I don’t think you’re attracted to me anymore.”
“What in the hell are you talking about? I haven’t tried to have sex with you because I know I can’t, and I don’t want to piss you off. Why are you acting like this?”
She didn’t say anything at first. “I don’t know. Can we just not talk about this?”
“Sure, because that’s been working for us so far,” I mumbled. I was aggravated with her. “Good night!” I rolled over too. I didn’t know what she wanted me to do or say, and I didn’t think she did either.
I didn’t even wake her up when the babies woke up at one. I figured I would rather do it by myself then make her do something she didn’t want to. She did have to get up for their four-thirty feeding because she had to pump milk anyway, so she took Ava and didn’t say anything to me. I thought grumpily, I know she’s doesn’t like to be woken up, but who does? This is part of life. But I just let her be grumpy. I knew better than to agitate an angry bear.
The next morning when I woke up, Arden was gone. I walked into the kitchen to find Casey was there and had both babies. “Where’s Arden?”
“She said she was going to the hospital and would be back in a little while. How did last night go?”
“The babies were perfect little angels like always and”—I picked Noah up before finishing—”and Arden was Arden.” I paused for a moment. “You know, I’m scared she’s not coming back.” I felt tears threatening in my eyes and I looked away.
“She will. Be patient.” She squeezed my arm.
A few hours later, Arden came in just as I was getting out of the shower. “Where are you going?” she asked.
“To the store. There’s no food in the house.”