by Amy Patrick
I kept telling myself people needed to know what happened, why it happened, and ultimately their friends and families would want these girls’ names to be remembered and memorialized. And it was my job.
As I got the one-minute cue in my IFB, my old friend nausea came back to visit me. Sugar. Not now. This was too important. I tried to remember one of the relaxation techniques Aric had taught me, and a slash of pain cut through my heart at the thought of him, sitting there at the bar, believing I’d gotten engaged to Hale tonight. Oh Aric.
I breathed deeply, closing my eyes and focusing my attention on my feet and calves, willing them to relax as I mentally said to myself, “I’m starting to relax now.” I tightened and relaxed my leg muscles, my torso, my arms and hands, shoulders, neck. “…starting to relax now.”
“Ten seconds Heidi,” Tony said.
And then the camera’s red light came on, and I began my live report. The nausea was gone. The adrenaline was still there, but it was helping me, giving me energy and bringing the right words to my mind at the right time as I recounted the details of the accident I’d learned so far. In a few minutes it was over.
“Nice,” Tony said when the director switched away from our camera.
“Thank you.” I smiled at him. I’d done it. My first live shot without the pre-show vomiting routine. And it was good. At least it had felt good. I’d have to check the show tape later to make sure.
I had many more chances to practice over the next hour, as the station’s accident coverage continued with cut-ins every fifteen minutes. I grew more confident, more at ease with each one. In fact, I could easily picture myself doing this on a regular basis in a bigger market, say Nashville, for instance. For the first time, I felt ready.
In between cut-ins, Tony and I interviewed the police sergeant, a witness to the accident, and some of the girls who knew the victims.
As they wept through their words, I cried, too. This was so messed up. So senseless. Four lives gone in an instant. I’d learned the girls were seniors, only one year younger than me.
As I wrote my wrap-up story to leave for the morning news, it hit me—you never know how long of a ride you’re going to get in this life. You might have till you’re a hundred and two. You might only get twenty years or thirty or forty, and that’s it. If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with the way I’d lived my life? Or would I be sorry I hadn’t reached out for more, taken more chances and found out where they would lead? Would I be sorry I hadn’t said I love you?
A charge went through my body, the aftershocks awakening the parts of my heart I’d been keeping in an induced coma since Josh’s betrayal. Those poor girls—they were out of time. But anyone who was still here still had a chance to change things, to make things right, to really live. I had a chance. So what was I going to do with it?
# # #
I pulled into Aric’s driveway after one a.m., hoping I didn’t wake his landlords. Oh my God, his car was in the driveway. How had he managed to drive home in that state? I shivered, thinking of the wreckage I’d witnessed tonight. That could have been Aric, driving as drunk as he reportedly was.
I knocked on the door of his apartment and waited. After getting no answer to a second knock, I turned the knob. It was unlocked. Aric was probably passed out. I’d just go in and check on him, make sure he wasn’t sleeping with his head in the toilet or something.
Thor met me inside the door, tail wagging, tripping me as I climbed the stairs.
“Hi buddy, hi Thor,” I whispered. “Is Daddy home? Does he hate me? Hmmm? No answers? Okay, I guess I’ll have to go find out for myself.”
Thankful for the lamp he’d left switched on next to our favorite chair, I crossed the quiet living room toward Aric’s closed bedroom door. Before I could open it, the door opened on its own. And out walked Colleen. Wearing Aric’s faded red T-shirt. And nothing else.
She was gorgeous, still in full TV-ready makeup, her tan legs looking swimsuit-competition perfect, and her long hair slightly mussed in a Victoria’s Secret-model-shoot sort of way.
“Oh, Heidi. My goodness, you scared me. I thought I heard something out here. What are you doing here?”
I could’ve asked her the same question, but then, it was pretty obvious what she was doing here, wasn’t it? At least Aric hadn’t driven himself home. Or been lonely.
“I, uh… came to see if Aric was okay. But I guess he… is.”
Looking past Colleen, I saw one of Aric’s long (bare) legs and a big foot hanging over the edge of his bed. A blanket blocked his face from my view, but his (bare) arm and shoulder were visible. He hadn’t moved since I’d arrived. Out cold.
Colleen followed my eyes and glanced behind her at the beautiful (bare) male with whom she’d been presumably sharing a bed. “Oh. Yeah. Well, that’s real sweet of you, but I took care of him.”
I’ll bet.
“He was hittin’ it pretty hard tonight at the bar, poor guy. Seemed upset about something. He’s a trooper, though,” Colleen continued with a satisfied grin. “He didn’t go down for the count until a while after we got back here.” A long-lashed wink.
Sugar.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Major Life Decisions
Janet called late Saturday morning, waking me from a miserable night of fitful sleep and troubled dreams. She told me to take the day off since I’d pulled a double-shift the night before and said Colleen would be filling in for me on the anchor desk. And apparently in Aric’s life as well. Great. Well, I deserved it after the way I’d repeatedly pushed him away and apparently led Hale on to the point that he’d felt confident proposing to me.
After Janet hung up, I stared at the phone in my hand. I desperately wanted to call Aric, but I couldn’t think of anything more embarrassing than having him pick up and hearing Colleen’s voice in the background. Except maybe if Colleen was to answer his phone. Something tipped over heavily and spun in my stomach. The thought of him wrapped in her spray-tanned limbs made me more nauseous than the after-effects of that consoling bottle of wine from my fridge. Which I’d emptied.
I had made such a mess of things. The surge of confidence I’d felt last night after my live shots was only a memory now. At this point, I might as well keep the ring and take the weekday anchor job here.
I fell back onto my pillow, my head swimming with confusion and the budding terror that Aric might never let me explain, never let me tell him I loved him, that he wouldn’t care what I had to say anymore after such a betrayal. Another wave of nausea rolled through me. I hated feeling like this. Maybe it would be better to go back to the way things were before, when I’d felt less, cared less. My life would be less, but at least I’d be safe again.
No. I sat up, and my feet hit the floor. I couldn’t stay where I was in life any more than I could hide under my covers in bed all day, no matter how tempting that might be. I had to at least talk to him and tell him the truth. I looked at the clock. What time would Colleen slither out of there?
In the meantime, I couldn’t stand being alone with my racing thoughts. I needed to speak to someone objective. Clearly my mom and sister didn’t fit the bill. They’d be all about the idea of my staying local. Mara was probably hung all the way over and still sleeping it off. I dialed Kenley’s number, hoping I wasn’t waking her or interrupting a romantic Saturday morning snuggle with Mark. She answered on the second ring.
“Hey girl. I’ve been thinking of you. What’s new?” Her tone was much brighter than mine, almost artificially bright.
“Well…” I spilled the whole messed-up engagement story and told her about the anchoring offer here in Pineland. “It’s a good offer,” I rationalized. “Both of them. I mean, I’d still be doing TV news, I wouldn’t have to worry about going off somewhere and failing again. And Hale’s such a great guy—I mean he’s practically perfect—anyone can see that.”
“Can you?” she asked. “Can you see the two of you being happy… for a lifetime?”
The
re were several seconds of silence. “I don’t know.”
“Well, you know me,” she said. “I’m a big fan of love and marriage and keeping it close to the homefront. But that being said, if you’re going to give up your career plans and your lifelong dreams to be with someone, you have to be really sure.”
“Right. Like you were.” There was an ominous silence on the phone. “Kenley? What’s wrong? Is something wrong?”
“No. It’s nothing. Anyway—I’ve already done it.”
“What do you mean? Kenley, what’s—”
“I’ve got to go. Mark’s here. He wants to talk. I’ll call you later.” And she hung up. That hadn’t sounded good. Had something gone wrong between her and Mark? If she didn’t call me back by tonight, I was definitely calling her again.
I put my phone on the charger and jumped at a sharp knock at the door. Sugar. Was Hale already here, seeking his answer? I didn’t know what to say to him yet. I looked through the peep hole. It was my mother. I wasn’t sure if I should be relieved or further alarmed.
I opened the door. “Hi.”
“Don’t ‘hi’ me.” She stepped inside in a rush of sweet perfume and fresh fall air. “Oh—you’re still in your pajamas. Why didn’t you call me and tell me you were getting engaged? And I thought you were with that lovely Aric boy now? When did you get back together with Hale?”
“Oh, Momma,” I sighed and went to her, unable to resist the lure of soft maternal sympathy. “I’ve really messed things up.”
She wrapped me in a deep hug as I’d known she would. “Tell me all about it.”
As I’d done with Kenley, I explained to Mom how I’d gotten unintentionally engaged and that Aric was most likely furious with me and that I had no idea what to do about the main anchor job here at WPLM. She listened without interruption, and when I finished blubbering and blabbering, she got up from the sofa and took a few steps over to my kitchen to make two cups of tea.
“Did you know I almost moved to Hollywood when I was your age?” She glanced back at me over her shoulder.
“You did?”
“Yep. Had my bags packed and everything. I was a student at MUW at the time. Someone from a movie studio was visiting a relative in Columbus and was in the audience for the school’s production of Our Town. I was Emily. He came up and spoke to me and my parents afterward and encouraged me to move to Los Angeles and look him up at the studio. Of course, I was over the moon and ready to get on a bus the next day. My parents were completely against it—they assumed he was a ‘dirty old man’ and forbade me to go. I never quite forgave them,” she said with a far-away tone as she stirred honey into her cup.
“You never told me that story.”
“Well, as a mother, you don’t really want to advocate disobedience to your children. But I do wish I’d done it. Even without their support. I’ve always wondered what might have happened if I’d followed my dream.” She handed me a cup and sat back down beside me on the couch with a soft smile. “Not that I’m unhappy here. I have a great life. I love our community theater and I have four amazing children. And I might not have ended up with your father if I’d moved away. I met him a month after the play closed. We got married six months later.”
“And you’re glad you married him? Even though he’s sort of… bossy?”
She laughed. “He’s not bossy with me, Heidi. Your father controls me exactly as much as I let him. He’s only trying to take care of everyone, protect all of us, keep all his little chicks under his wing.”
“Sometimes it gets pretty stuffy under there.”
“I know. His father was an absentee sort, so I think Daddy goes a bit overboard sometimes trying to be a provider and protector. He doesn’t know where to stop unless you tell him.” She reached out and took one of my hands. “You’re an adult now, darling. You can do that. You can take control of your life whenever you’re ready. And I—and Daddy—will support your choices, whatever you decide to do.”
“I thought you’d be so mad at me if I said I was moving away.”
“Mad? No. We’d be sad to know we’d see you less often. And I’d miss you terribly, but I’d never stop you from going. I don’t want you to feel like I did about my acting—that I could have done more if I’d only been brave enough to take some risks, to leave home and see what was out there for me in the world.”
I scooted toward her on the couch and crushed her in a hug I hoped expressed my gratitude and my distress at the thought of leaving her behind. “Love you, Momma.” I sniffed.
“I know you do, baby. I love you, too.”
After Mom left, I checked the station’s website to see how the car accident package had turned out. Tony had edited it for the morning news, and I had to say, the final product was powerful. Of course, I got teary again watching it.
But I also got a fresh dose of that same do something feeling that had compelled me to go to Aric’s house in the middle of the night instead of waiting for morning. Okay, so that hadn’t turned out so well, and yes, I’d probably lost him for good. Yes, that completely sucked. I didn’t even want to explore all the ways it sucked right now.
But Mom was right. I was the only one who could determine the direction of my life. And I was no longer afraid. I was still alive, unlike those poor girls in that car. I still had a chance. And wasn’t it scarier to think of a future playing it safe, never taking chances, settling for the comfort of the known quantity instead of going for it and finding out how far I could go?
I was through letting the fear control me. I picked up my phone, ready to take control of my own future. First, I called Janet back and told her I couldn’t accept the main anchor job. She was clearly disappointed but said she understood.
I also asked for Sunday off. No doubt Colleen would be thrilled at another chance to anchor and to monopolize Aric’s time and attention. Next, I dialed the news director in Nashville.
“I’m so glad you called, Heidi,” Ken Zorich said. “I’ve already interviewed several candidates, but I really liked your reel. We need to make a decision pretty soon and get someone in here in the next few weeks. How soon could you make it here for an audition?”
“I can drive up tomorrow and come in on Monday if you’d like.”
“That would be perfect. Let me notify my assistant, and she’ll get a room for you here. We’ll have dinner tomorrow night after you get to town, and then we’ll get you on the set with the male anchor on Monday morning for the audition.”
“Great. Looking forward to meeting you.” I meant every word of it.
Okay, two major life decisions handled. Two to go. I dialed Aric’s number. No answer. Well, he was at work—maybe he was in the middle of an interview or something. I left a message.
“Hi. Listen, I know you might not be too thrilled to hear from me right now, but I really need to talk to you. Please call when you get a chance.”
Then I called Hale and asked him to come over when he finished work for the day. He agreed, sounding nervous. My fingers wrapped around the phone were itchy and restless. It was too soon to try Aric’s number again—the only thing less attractive than a girl who runs off and gets engaged hours after snogging with you against a live truck, is that same girl stalking you with phone calls every fifteen minutes. He’d get my message and call me back when he was ready.
I showered and cleaned up my place. On the upside, a studio apartment doesn’t require much cleaning. On the downside, cleaning it doesn’t kill much time.
On the kitchen counter my phone rang, and I lunged for it. “Aric?” I was breathless.
There was a pause. “Uh… Heidi—it’s Jane Elaine.”
“Oh… hi.”
“Hi. Nice to talk to you, too.” I could hear her smirk over the phone. “So Mom says you’re not engaged? And you’re moving?”
“Correct, and probably.”
“Well, good—I mean about the engagement thing—I thought you were with Aric now. I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw the vid
eo on the news last night.”
As I’d done with Kenley and Mom, I recounted the entire horror of the previous night and was rewarded with my sister’s sympathy, though she had laughed at some parts of my twisted story. I mean, she was a big sister, after all.
“I hope Aric will listen to me.”
“Are you sure about him? I mean, is this your forever guy?”
“Um… I think so. I hope so. I want him to be.”
“Then if he doesn’t call you back, show up naked on his doorstep.”
A shocked gak noise erupted from my throat. “This is the advice I get from a preacher’s wife?” I laughed.
“Hey, where do you think all those babies in the church nursery come from? Phil’s a man of the cloth, but he’s still a man. And men can find a whole lot more understanding in their hearts if they find a warm and willing woman in their bed.”
“Okay, I’m going to try very hard to put that lovely mental image of you and Pastor Phil getting it on out of my head. Thanks for that, sis.”
She laughed loudly. “Well, I do have some good news on the home front—the church is getting sued.”
“Sued? How is this good news?”
“Some guy attending a memorial service there says he slipped on some spilled punch in the fellowship hall. And I offered to represent the church. Pro bono, of course.”
“That’s great, Jane Elaine. So you’ve finally found something you can do for them that doesn’t involve wiping runny noses in the nursery or attempting to carry a tune.”
“Exactly. The church council is so grateful they told me not to even bother baking cookies for the annual cookie share next week.”
“Good news for you and those with whom your cookies might have been shared.” My sister was a kick-ass attorney. Baker? Not so much.
“All right. Well, I’ve got to get back to work. Have a good trip to Nashville and good luck in your interview. We’ll be praying for you. And go get your man.”