by Ian Mark
“Okay…” I said, unsure of his point. “So what’s stage two?” My phone vibrated. I pulled it out. It wasn’t Amanda.
“Stage two is we get married and have kids and guide our kids through stage one. That’s all there is to life. Our parents prepare us to get married and have kids and we prepare those kids to get married and have kids and they prepare those kids to get married and have kids and--”
“I get it,” I cut in. Kevin giggled.
“Kids and parents, that’s all we are.” He pulled out his phone and looked at it. Kevin grabbed his phone and looked at it. Not wanting to be left out, I checked the message from earlier. u comin to Louies thing tonigt? It was Murph. Everyone needs a friend like Murph. If they’re named Murph, that’s even better. Murph makes it his mission to get all the old college boys together every couple of months or so. He only graduated last year, so he’s still making the effort to keep in touch. I was like that last year, calling everyone up and having them over. Not this year though. I loved Murph. Louie too. Hell, I even loved stupid Kevin and smart-ass Randy.
“So basically, stage one is all excitement and possibilities.” Randy continued. He looked at me sternly. “Stage two is realization of one of those possibilities, and normally includes the realization that you realized the wrong possibility.” Kevin patted him on the back.
“C’mon, man, shit gets better.” Eloquent as always.
“Then you force your kids through stage one and try to get them to do what you never did.” Randy was killing the high.
“What are you guys doin’ tonight?” I asked Kevin and Randy, eager to change the subject. They seemed confused.
“This.” Randy had little desire to go out these days.
“You guys wanna hang with Louie and Murph?”
“Muuuurph,” Kevin said, laughing. “Of course, I love Murph.”
“Hell yeah man, when we goin’?” Randy said. We all giggled. I turned off the vape and gestured for the bong. Randy passed it over happily. Kevin gave me my lighter back. I took a hit. Kevin and Randy started arguing about the Yankee’s chances this season. I had no interest, and my mind wandered…
I slammed the door to our apartment as Amanda and I came in. It was a Saturday, towards the end of our senior year at NYU. “Zach?” I heard Brian call out weakly from his room. “Is that you?”
“Yeah,” I called back. I scanned the mess. No food left out, that was good. Both Kevin and Murph’s doors were half-open in a way that suggested they had gone out.
“Come in here man.” I looked at Amanda, her smile as she surveyed the apartment the same as it always was. I jerked my head to tell her to follow me, and made my way to Brian’s room. I stepped over someone’s dirty jeans and put a hand on the door, which was slightly ajar. I stepped inside.
Brian was lying on the bed, wearing athletic shorts and a white v-neck, which he was holding onto with both hands. Most of his belly was showing. He smiled at me lazily. I turned around and stopped Amanda from following me in.
“You wanna do something later?” I asked her. She tried to peer past me. I shifted with her.
“Suuuure,” she said slowly. “I thought we were going to hang out now?” She brushed her hair out of her eyes.
“I remembered I have to do something. For class.” I noticed the bag of shrooms lying on Brian’s desk, just out of Amanda’s view. There was still about half an eighth left, I guessed.
“Um, okay, I guess. Text me?” Amanda clearly didn’t believe me. But she left. As soon as I heard the door shut, I started eating the shrooms. They tasted dirty.
“Hurry up man,” Brian said from somewhere behind me. “I’m an hour in. They are… potent.”
“Patience is a virtue,” I said between mouthfuls. I went to the kitchen and drank some water to wash them down. I returned to Brian’s room and sat on the chair by his desk.
Twenty minutes later, they started hitting.
Forty minutes later, Brian and I had started talking.
An hour later, we were bouncing off the walls.
We would talk about something so passionately, debating and agreeing for ten or fifteen minutes, then reach some satisfying conclusion. Thirty seconds later, we had no recollection of what we had been talking about. I only remember one conversation from that trip.
I got a text from Kevin. There was some frat party that night that he wanted to go to.
“You wanna go to a frat thing?” Brian looked up from the bed spread he had been thoroughly examining.
“Not really,” he said. “Watching jocks who wish they hadn’t come here hit on girls who aren’t smart enough to be here?” He stopped abruptly and looked around. “Actually, I’m in. I think in this state of mind I just might be able to deal with the amount of testosterone in the room.”
I texted Kevin asking why we were going to a frat party. He shot back quickly that a bunch of the girls from our sophomore floor, Six East, were going.
“Ah,” I said to no one. “A reunion.” I directed my words to Brian. “It’s a Six East event.” He laughed. I texted back that Brian and I would go.
“I don’t like this whole community thing we have going on,” Brian said. He sat up. I felt the air in the room shift. We had reached an important topic, something worth discussing in great detail for at least ten minutes.
“Whaddyou mean?” I scratched my chest. I felt grimy, like I always did towards the end of the trip.
“I feel like everyone thinks we all stick together because we lived on the same floor and had this great big community.” Brian looked at me. His cheeks were red.
“Yeah, but really, I’m just friends with some of the kids that lived on that floor,” I agreed, as I was obligated to do. We had long ago laid down ground rules for these trips: It was a safe space where we could say anything, no matter how crazy it sounded, and the other would either agree or just listen. It was part of the reason I liked tripping with Brian, but not with my other friends, who I always felt were restrained with me, or were judging me when I said crazy things.
“Exactly. I don’t give a fuck about Six East.” Brian scratched his chin. I ground my teeth. They felt weird. I looked around for a piece of chewing gum. “Here,” Brian said. He tossed me a piece.
“Like, I’m not going to hang out with these kids after we graduate.” I unwrapped the gum and slid it into my mouth.
“Well, I might, but it won’t be out of any real kinship.” I chewed as I thought this over. It sounded kind of like a disagreement. When I didn’t respond, Brian continued. “I mean, I’ll hang out with Murph and Kevin and Randy, but not because we lived on a floor together.”
“Because we’re actually friends.” My voice rose as I finished the statement. I wasn’t actually sure what he was getting at.
“Sure, in some sense. But we’re only friends because we are similarly aged men who do similar things on the weekends. Not like…” He trailed off.
“Us?” I asked. We had never really discussed our relationship. He was my best friend. Hell, I loved him. But I would never say it.
“Yeah, I guess. Basically, what this boils down to, is you and I, we’re best friends. Zach, you’re my best friend.” He looked away. I did too.
“Right.” I laughed. “It took almost four years and a lot of drugs, but we can finally say it. You’re my best friend.” We were both uncomfortable.
“And with these other guys, I just feel like, we have so little in common. I mean, our friendships are so superficial. What do you really know about Kevin?” I considered the question. I knew biographical stuff, sure, and some of the things he liked, mainly his sexual preferences. But did I know him like I knew Brian? I didn’t.
“I guess that’s just how it works, though, isn’t it?” I gained confidence in what I was saying as I spoke, mainly because I was just repeating what Brian had said. “Men, and I’d guess women, have only one or two truly close friends, and everyone else is just kind of out of… convenience.” I took out my phone and conside
red writing this down.
“Yeah, and so we hang out, or hung out, with Six East, because they lived on our floor and they were kinda like us.” He lay back against the wall, looking at me again.
“But aren’t we like that? We were friends because we were roommates.” I knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth. He spoke quietly.
“At first, of course. But I think we’ve changed. This boils down to, you and I are friends. And that’s all we’ve really decided here.”
“Great. Now I’ve gotta take a leak.” I got up and walked towards the door.
“Zach?” I turned. Brian looked hyper vulnerable, his eyes were wide and he leaned towards me as he spoke. “I love you.” We looked at each other, then both collapsed in a fit of laughter.
Kevin and Randy had finally agreed that the Yankees were pretty good. I looked at both of them. Not much had changed in the two years since we graduated. We hung out, but it was mainly to avoid making new friends. I didn’t know much about them, and frankly I didn’t have much interest in learning about them. It was kind of sad. I missed what I had with Brian, what I had with Amanda. I rolled another joint and lit it, smoking it to the very end.
* * *
We left sometime later, I’m not sure how long it was. I was high, but nowhere near as high as Kevin and Randy. We walked to West 4th street to take the subway into Brooklyn. I wonder if Amanda will be there, I thought. I resisted the urge to text her. I tuned in to what Kevin was saying as we walked.
“So basically, the computer buys it, and sells it a fraction of a second later. And if we do it with enough money, we make shit-tons without doing anything.”
“That’s sick man.” Randy was watching the dog walking in front of us intently. The dog’s owner, a middle-aged soccer mom with wavy black hair and a large wart under her right nostril, eyed him suspiciously.
“I get paid to just sit there and count how much money we are making.” I laughed at that, and Kevin laughed, and Randy snickered. We passed a policeman standing on the corner, and he looked at us. We all shushed each other.
It started to drizzle just as we got to West 4th. We walked down the stairs, which were covered in tobacco stains and chewing gum. I avoided touching the handrails. Kevin and Randy slid their cards and went through the turnstiles. I couldn’t get mine to work. After it had said “Swipe again at this turnstile” for the fifth time. I looked left and then jumped it. Or tried to. I tripped and landed almost head-first on the dirty ground. Kevin and Randy laughed. I cursed. My hands were disgusting. I wiped them on Randy. He hit me. I had an idea. I went over to the Indian man running the little store they had there and bought a People magazine. Kim and Kanye were on the cover. I wiped my hands on Kim’s boobies. We laughed.
The A train pulled up. We piled on. Randy and I sat down. There was an old black man sitting next to me. He sniffed me. I recoiled. He smiled at me. He had all of his teeth, but they were as crooked as Nixon. “I’d like some of that,” he said.
“No hablo ingles.” I shrugged my shoulders sorry at him. I turned to Kevin, who was trying to stand without holding on. He wasn’t wearing his tie. I laughed at him. He looked at me with blood-shot eyes and raised one bushy eyebrow. I didn’t explain. The train started, and Kevin fell. Randy, me, and the old black man all laughed heartily. A blond woman and her mixed-race daughter with braids got up and moved farther down the car.
We got off the subway at Atlantic Ave. I realized that I didn’t remember where Louie lived in Brooklyn. I called him for directions. After a confusing half hour or so that involved a near-altercation with a homeless gentleman, we arrived at Louie’s apartment in Williamsburg.
A girl I had never met opened the door. She was tall, almost my height (Six feet, or close enough). She had on a Harvard sweatshirt and tight black jeans. The apartment was surprisingly large, and decorated with all sorts of eastern stuff. I couldn’t process it, there were swords and robes and kimono dragons.
“Hi,” the mystery girl said. Or I should say sang, maybe. Her voice was lyrical. “I’m Erica. You friends of Greg’s?” Her intonation rose and fell as she sang. I loved it immediately.
“Well hello, madam, I am Zacharias Henry Johnston the third.” I bowed and offered her my hand. Kevin pushed past me. Randy was preoccupied with the doorknob.
“You both talk funny,” Kevin said. “And his name’s actually Zachary,” he added to the princess. I nodded. She laughed.
“You wanna drink?” She offered me a bottle. I grabbed at it eagerly. “Woah, settle down.” I laughed. Then I saw the label. Everclear.
“Oh boy,” I said. “Somebody made a run to Jersey.” I looked for a mixer, but found only Hawaiian Punch.
“What do you mean?” She asked. I noticed she was swaying a little bit.
“Everclear’s illegal in New York.” I poured both drinks at once into a red solo cup I found. I had a flashback to freshman year…
“What is it?” I asked Brian. He laughed and leaned back in his chair. We were sitting in our dorm room, him and me and two girls who are no longer important. His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing his toned and tanned six-pack beneath. He smiled at the girls, showing them his white-teeth, before explaining to me: “It’s Everclear, it’s 95 percent alcohol.” I remembered marveling at the business model of watering down rubbing alcohol and selling it at fifty times the price. Brian took a swig and I took one too. It burned on the way down, and left a stinging sensation in the roof of my mouth. But Brian smiled so I smiled. He winked at me.
“Are you going to drink that?” Erica looked at me like I was wearing a tinfoil hat and complaining about the government stealing my mindwaves. I realized I was just holding the cup. I tossed some of it back.
“You don’t need to worry about me drinking…” I said.
“Good.” she giggled and looked at me sideways. I felt like I had known her my whole life.
A few drinks later, she was sitting on my lap. I still hadn’t seen Louie. I began to wonder if we were at the wrong party. I looked for Kevin and Randy. Randy was examining the doorknob. I heard a yell from another room that sounded like Kevin. I was going to investigate, but Erica chose that moment to shove her tongue in my mouth. I kissed her back harder. She grabbed my hair. I hate that. Why do girls think I’ll like that? It just causes me pain. Amanda never did that. She told me once, “The golden rule of sex is don’t pull or insert anything without asking.” I laughed into Erica’s mouth. She pulled back.
“What’s so funny?” She asked. I noticed she didn’t seem as drunk as I was.
“Nothing,” I said. I took a swig of the drink I was holding. It was empty. I threw it on the ground. The place had emptied out. My phone was vibrating. I ignored it. “Come here.” I grabbed the back of her head and kissed her forcefully. I pulled her hair. She moaned. I guess some people like it.
I opened my eyes. Her’s were closed. Why do we close our eyes to kiss? I wondered. Does it have something to do with the shame our society has made us feel for having sex? We’re taught from an early age that sex is dirty and that we should avoid it because girls will get pregnant and boys will get STD’s and have to have their dicks cut off. So is the closing of our eyes an extension of that? Are we so ashamed we try not to look at our partner? Why am I not high? Am I drunk?
I noticed a freckle between her brows that I hadn’t seen before. I fumbled with her bra strap. She pushed me away. I came back and we kissed again. I played with her nipple through her bra and shirt. I noticed a woman take a picture of us. She moaned. I hardened. She straddled me.
“Wait,” I gasped. ‘We can’t do this here.”
“Why not?” she kissed me.
“You wanna go into the bedroom?” I spoke without disengaging our lips. To punctuate the request, I squeezed her boob.
“Okay,” she breathed. I felt her hot breath on my neck and smelled the Everclear. We got up as one and walked to the bedroom, our fingers intertwined. I stepped over a dark figure and almost
tripped. I guess I’m drunk, I thought. As we approached, the door swung open. Two guys came out holding hands. I didn’t know which one to high-five or bro-nod to. We slipped past them and the bulkier one nodded at me, so I figured he was the dominant one and nodded at him. But the other one, who wore a large cross around his neck and was shirtless, dapped me up as we passed. Very confusing.
We stepped through the doorframe. To my right was a dresser with a half empty bottle of Captain Morgan’s on it, next to a hairbrush that had several long blond hairs in it. I grabbed the bottle. Erica went and sat on the bed. I unscrewed the top and threw it against the wall. She removed her shoes, then her pants.
“Take off your socks,” I commanded.
“Whoopsies, I didn’t notice.” she removed the articles and we giggled. She reached out to me. I gulped down some rum and spilled some on the ground.
“Youno whatI liketodo whenI’mdrunk,” I slurred.
“What?” I sat down on the bed next to her and kissed her neck. I took off her shirt and kissed down between her cleavage. I stopped and took another swig.
“Go downtown.” I kissed her belly button. I tried to take off her bra and failed. She removed it with one hand. She kissed my hair and pulled it. Ugh. She leaned in.
“I’ll be right back,” she whispered.
“Ah,” I said. “The mysterious pre-coitus visit to the facilities. Make haste, my darling, I yearn for your flesh.” She ignored me and went into the bathroom. I wondered what girls do in there when they leave right before sex. Put out a welcome mat? Comb? My head drooped to the ground.
A wedding. But whose? I see all the groomsmen. Kevin and Randy and Murph. Oh, it must be Brian’s. Where is he though? Is he in the bathroom? And who is he marrying? I see Amanda and my mother looking at me. I go over to talk to them. But I don’t get near them. They keep pointing towards the front.
“Are you ready to go downtown? Zach?” Erica was back from her venture to the other side of the plaster. I awoke with a start.
“Being a God-kissing carrion.” I knocked on the headboard and placed my ear up to it. I looked at Erica. “Yep, I’m drunk.” She looked so beautiful. I had to have her. I grabbed her and threw her on the bed. She giggled. I took off her panties and buried my face between her legs. She moaned with delight. I thought about how silly it is that we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway. I wondered what Kevin was doing. I thought about the Jolly Rancher story that people always talked about on reddit. I hoped it wasn’t true. I felt my eyes grow heavy.