by Leah Fleming
I spoke not a word but dutifully cleared away the best pewter dishes and wooden trenchers, trying not to catch his eye.
He looked at the clock on the wall and made to leave, having slipped pennies into the hand of Sam and George, leaving one for Liddy. I held back until I knew he would be down the track and then jumped up. ‘Would you believe it, he’s gone without my letter, the very thing he came for.’ This had to be a deliberate ploy and worked as planned.
I chased after him, stopping only to pick up the firearm on the way. ‘Wait, Captain Thane,’ I shouted. ‘The letter!’
‘Aye, the letter,’ he laughed. ‘Did you bring the other . . . ?’
I nodded. ‘This must take only a few minutes before I am missed, so show me how to charge it.’
He showed me how it worked, how to load the lead balls and charge of gunpowder into the barrel. ‘Just unscrew the barrel, place the shot and powder and then screw it back and charge up the flintlock. This has two barrels for two shots. That’s all the time you will have. Be careful with the powder and keep the whole thing dry and clean. I have some shot here for you to practice on a target.’
‘This is too much to take in. How can I keep it safe outside?’
‘Then make a hiding place, put it in a box and bury it in the wood wrapped and dry, but hide it under your skirt in a secret pocket if you feel uneasy. Let’s just hope the situation never demands it.’
‘You’re so kind. I don’t deserve it. It must have cost a lot to find such a one as this. How can I return the favour?’
‘You know what I want from you but that, you say, can’t be given now.’
‘Would that I could, Jordan Thane, but I made my decision to stay within the fellowship.’
‘Do you love this Jacob?’
‘It will grow as we grow together in faith.’
‘That’s no answer.’ He held out his hand to me. ‘Think again, dearest Joy. Don’t give your life away to please others. Think for yourself. Life is too short to waste.’
Why did men not of our faith think this way? I remembered having this very argument with Miles Foxup all those years ago. I had walked away from him just as I must walk away from Captain Thane. ‘You will never understand what I owe these people.’
‘You owe them nothing but the service you signed up for, a duty to serve out your time with honour. Then you are free to take up your due.’
‘Without Jacob and Ellinor I wouldn’t be standing here now. I owe them this new life.’
‘You are not Ellinor, God rest her soul. You are yourself to do with as you please.’
‘Those may be the words of someone who is not a Friend of Truth, nor a seeker of enlightenment.’
‘Maybe so, but it is my thinking, and am I not allowed an opinion of my own, or have we all to think as one on every matter?’ he challenged me.
‘Oh don’t you be confusing me with fine arguments. I must go.’
‘Not before you grant me one wish, Miss Moorside.’
‘What wish is that?’
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me hard. I did not struggle, but drank in his lips.
‘Joy, where are you, girl?’ I could hear Mary calling me from the house. It was with reluctance that I withdrew from his arms.
‘Coming, Mary, just tidying away,’ I lied. ‘Go, please and may God find you happiness in life and keep you safe,’ I whispered, choked with such feelings of regret as our hands parted.
Jordan turned and smiled. ‘Never forget. You are for me.’ And then he disappeared into the night, but I could hear him whistling as he went.
I crept back to the door trying not to cry, knowing I would have to explain my tardiness, ducking down to shove the pistol and charger back under the stones.
‘What on earth are thee up to at this time of night? Not with that man, I hope?’ Mary stood arms folded as I hurried past.
‘I went to check the chicken pen was secure. We don’t want to lose any more birds. Never miss the opportunity to be watchful, the preacher said.’
‘Against unbelievers and worldly temptations, not fowls of the air.’ Mary laughed. ‘What a funny girl you are and no mistake.’
That night I lay in the darkness with the taste of Jordan’s lips, salty and tobacco-fumed, wanting to relive every moment of our embrace. There would be no nights of sorrow with him by my side, but the price was too high to pay. I had neither the courage nor the will to break from all that I knew. To accept his loving was to betray all that my martyred parents had died for. How could I do that to them?
33
My pen has travelled far and fast in this account but now I must recall a time which is still painful for me to share. Some might say it was my own disobedience which snared me in a trap born of carelessness, but I know otherwise. It was a time of trial such that, in the course of a long life, many have to endure in some form or other.
It began one morning in late Fall after the Governor’s warning of incursions by rebellious Indian tribes which we had no reason to heed, being among peaceful people. I visited White Deer to purchase pretty baby slippers for Marianne, travelling often along portage trails with no fear of danger. This gave me time to practise with the pistol, now concealed within the hollow of an old pine tree stump, out of sight of prying fingers.
There was no proof that Tamar had seen it in my basket or given notice to Jacob or Titus. She could have written a letter condemning me but no censure was given at the next meeting.
We were a motley band of forest harvesters who set out that autumn morning to pick berries, nuts and mushrooms to dry for the winter store cupboard. Mary and Liddy joined me and somehow we drifted deeper into the trees than we had done before. Liddy kicked leaves that crackled dusty and dry underfoot. Then she skipped ahead chasing birds.
I always took the precaution of marking trees with a cross to be sure of finding our route back should we go astray. As I looked back I saw the familiar tall figure of Tamar following behind us with her own basket and my first feeling was of annoyance at her unwelcome presence. Her silence always unsettled me. Why did she choose not to speak? Was it a game she was playing?
Mary beckoned her to join us, pointing to a tree which was laden with nuts. ‘Better shake them down afore the squirrels do.’
Tamar smiled and glided in our direction. Then we all split into separate thickets, lost in our own thoughts until I noticed how late it was and the sun had shifted direction, torching a path through the canopy above. It was then I heard a crackling of leaves that startled me. Had we disturbed a bear from its foraging? Was there a snake lying hidden waiting to strike? I sensed danger and shouted. ‘Watch out for Liddy. Call her back at once.’
Mary yelled for her child but she didn’t come. ‘This is no time for laikin about. There’s a bear on the loose. Come here at once!’ Still there was no sight of her. ‘Mercy on us, has she gone astray and can’t hear us?’
I could hear the panic in Mary’s voice as she dropped her basket and started to search.
‘Better you stay put in case she comes. Tamar can come with me and watch my back.’ This she did, sensing our fear. I reckoned we were a mile or two from the nearest farm that I knew of. ‘Lydia!’ I called. ‘Where’re you hiding?’ I heard a muffled cry and darted towards the sound with Tamar following. There was a clearing and an eerie silence at first but I sensed movement and a presence. ‘Liddy, come here.’ Don’t hide from us. This is not a game.’
Out of the bushes stepped a fierce native of great height covered in face paint and carrying the terrified child who was wriggling to get down.
‘Oh there you are, child,’ I smiled. ‘Thank you for finding her. Come here to Joy.’ I thought he had rescued her from some dangerous beast.
‘Howdy’do,’ he said in a gruff voice, his eyes glinting like a hawk’s. ‘Come, me.’
‘No, give us the child, she’s frightened.’ I replied. In response he pulled his tomahawk from his belt and raised it above her head to split her skull.
‘Mata! Oh, please, no!’ I cried knowing there was nothing of value to give him for her release. ‘Tamar, can we spring him and free her?’ I muttered under my breath. She shook her head.
‘You come me.’ I knew that he wanted all of us or he would kill the girl.
‘Me come, girl, no come.’ I hoped he understood this bargain. ‘Please.’
Suddenly he was not alone as out of the bushes where they lay silent came four more of his men. They were waiting for his word to pounce on us. Now my wits were razor sharpened by fear. There was no going back. Tamar began to shake. ‘Don’t show your fear. We will pretend to go with them but Liddy must be set free.’
I sat down on the ground and pulled Tamar down beside me, showing we were being obedient. I opened my arms. ‘Give girl,’ I pleaded and I prayed to our Saviour to give me the courage to stay calm and find a way out of this predicament.
The very act of sitting made them relax and Liddy was let down, running into my arms and clinging to me for the protection I could no longer give.
‘What do we do now?’ I turned to Tamar as a last resort, not expecting any answer but to my astonishment she whispered back. ‘Pray out loud. Bow thy head in submission.’
We placed our hands together in prayer and began to recite familiar words of comfort. Liddy followed us as if it was a game. Pretending that I was still praying, I whispered in her ear. ‘When I tell you, you must run. Run back to Mother. Tell her there’s a firearm in the hollow of the pine stump, third from the gate, run like the wind and stay low. Go back the way you came.’
‘You come too?’ she pleaded. ‘Not yet. I will come back to you.’ I could not risk her being put into captivity. We heard stories of little fair-haired girls put into camps to be brides or sold to slavers. How had we stepped into this nightmare? How could we have woken up this morning in freedom and now be at the mercy of savages?
They were curious and closed in on us, tearing off our caps, pulling down our hair and touching our locks, laughing as they raised their tomahawks as if to scalp us. Liddy buried her head in my lap as we waited for the blows to fall. I gave myself to the mercy of the Almighty, asking for a swift end to this suffering.
Then strong arms dragged us upright and a leather cord bound us to each other as helpless prisoners. Such was the fear that my bladder lost its grip and hot piss trickled down my legs.
It was then that anger fuelled my limbs and I could not stay silent. ‘Saa Saa,’ I said as I stood before the chief warrior in all his black and red face-painted glory. ‘Shame on you to take child. Only coward take little child. Brave warrior let child go. Show the Great Spirit that child can live.’ I prayed he had enough English to get my meaning. ‘Lenape no hit child. Lenape love children.’
‘No Lenni-Lenape.’ He spat on the ground. ‘Susquehanna.’
‘You must not anger Great Spirit. Saa. Saa!’
The other braves were listening and watching. ‘We will come with you and be your slaves but child go back.’ Not once did I flinch from his hard gaze but held my ground, tied as I was. For a moment nothing happened but then he took his knife and cut Liddy’s wrist bindings, pushing her away from us.
‘Run, Liddy, run home and God go with thee. Wanishi. Thank you. Thank you.’ My legs buckled with relief. Tamar managed to touch my hand in support as we walked along in silence. Onwards down a trail we walked for hours until my legs ached and my tongue was parched with thirst.
Had Liddy found her way home? Were there raiders already in Good Hope or lurking in the forest ready to attack isolated farms? Our capture would give warning to others of danger if nothing else. How relieved I was not to be alone, even if my fellow prisoner was a woman I hardly knew and didn’t much care for. There would be plenty of time to talk when we were permitted to rest.
Why had he relented and let her go? Had my few words of their language earned some respect? I no longer felt the risk of death to be nigh. They could have scalped us in the forest; but perhaps they thought there was not much honour in killing a feeble white woman. Reason told me we would be more useful alive as slaves, wives or as bait for ransom.
With each mile we were leaving all we knew and loved behind to a fate unknown as yet. I tried not to stumble and quake at what would befall us, trusting we were in the hands of higher powers. It was Tamar who lifted my flagging spirit by quoting a psalm under her breath: ‘Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble, incline thine ear unto me . . . in the day when I call answer me speedily.’
How far we walked into the night I have no recollection, but by the direction of the moss on the trees we must be travelling northwards. I had blisters on my heels and slipped off my shoes for comfort but that was a mistake for the pine needles and sharp stones and stinging insects pinched me. Tamar stumbled, crying out as we jerked each other. I pushed her on. ‘To stop is to invite punishment. Stay strong. They will halt for the night soon,’ I promised.
To our relief we reached clear water and a fire was lit to scare away scavengers. All I wanted to do was lie down but being tied to each other it was not easy. Pieces of dried meat were thrust into our mouths to chew on. My thirst was raging and I begged ‘Mpi, mpi . . . water.’
‘Go,’ the chief said, pointing to the lakeside. I thought at first they were going to drown us but then it dawned on me we were their amusement and must lap the water like dogs. Struggling and shuffling we edged ourselves down, our hands still tied, and took it in turns to lap the cool water with our tongues while the men roared with laughter.
I did not care what they thought, knowing only the relief of gulping in fresh water. No point in showing my contempt for their cruelty. These men only responded to strength. We sat together as best we could, our dresses soaked. ‘Try to rest,’ I whispered to Tamar. She smiled back and rolled her eyes. We must distract each other from this present condition. ‘Why did you never speak to us?’
It was dark and she could speak into the night without looking at me. ‘I had nothing to say that anyone would care to hear. Mr Black had enough words for the two of us. How could I tell my true story without him contradicting every word.’
‘What do you mean?’ Now I was curious. What would she say next?
‘My husband farmed near Bridlington and was much taken with news of settlements in Delaware. I came aboard with Erasmus and our daughter, Faith, to start this new life. The ship was overcrowded and my husband fell ill with the fever and died midway, one of many. It was a ship of doom from the moment we set sail. Mr Black and his sister befriended us, being much taken with Faith. There was something about the woman I did not trust as she was often in drink.’
‘That would be Dora. I knew them both.’
‘You did?’
‘Yes,’ I said. I’ll tell you after. Carry on.’
‘I think Black believed me to be not without means to secure land and property. Who told him that I’ll never know, but he went out of his way to make sure we were kept apart from any disease and given the best provisions. This annoyed his sister and they argued loud and hard until one of the elders took them aside. They were no example to others on the ship.
‘No sooner had we sighted land than a storm blew up and the ship was driven onto rocks and foundered. There was no time to do anything but scramble over board.’ Tamar hesitated. ‘I never saw Faith again. It was Black who pulled me out of danger and guided me to the floating wreckage that saved us. I thought Faith was with me but she must have slipped away. I called until I was hoarse. There were heads bobbing in the water, voices crying to God for rescue and I saw Black’s sister clinging to a plank and calling, “Titus! Titus!” ’
Much as I despised Dora Cranke I would not have wished such a pitiful end as this. ‘She did not reach safety then?’
Tamar was weeping quietly. ‘I will never know. Sometimes I think I must have imagined what happened, but in my dreams I see Thomas pushing her away. He had her hand, and then he cast her off, saying she would drown us all. But my r
emembrance is clouded. I know I was crying for Faith. So many died for the want of a helping hand. Somehow we were rescued by fishermen, shivering half mad with grief and thirst. I don’t recall much after that but Thomas sitting by my side with strangers, saying to them, “This is my sister, Tamar Black”, and I was too confused to say otherwise. The words stuck like pebbles in my throat. I was afeared that if what I thought I had seen was real and I spoke out, he would find a way to silence me too. I am so ashamed to have acted like a half-wit, but I was terrified, as I am now.
‘All my belongings were lost at sea. Everything I held dear was gone and I knew I needed protection. Thomas still seemed at first to have some regard for me. “You will be my new sister in Christ,” he said. He must have known by then I had no wealth to offer; just the clothes I stood up in. The Friends who helped to feed and clothe us wanted us to join their township but Thomas was eager to move on. News came that a few more survivors had been rescued lower down the coast. I prayed Faith would be among them, and would have stayed behind to wait for her, but then I heard there were no children saved. That was a bitter blow.’
Tamar sank back in her distress, pulling me down with her. I could hear her ragged breathing as I fell across her chest.
‘What a brave heart you must have to suffer so in silence.’ I felt for her sadness.
‘What do we do now?’ she asked me when she was calmer. ‘I can see no means to escape.’
‘Perhaps not yet. There are too many of them. But we will not be defeated by ignorant men. We have not endured all we have to live in peace with our neighbours to end up in the roasting pot.’
‘Lord have mercy, they eat human flesh?’ Tamar cried in horror.
‘That will not be our fate. Take heart and trust in Providence that we’ll make our way home.’ What else could I say to her? We would need all our strength and hope if we were to continue on this trail of tears.