“If He loves us, why doesn’t He help us?”
“He will. One way or another.”
“What does that mean?” She didn’t want a puzzle. Her brain was in no shape to piece it together. She wanted an answer to the question she’d struggled with all her adult life.
“Remember how much I loved my Grandma Mitchell?”
“The one I favor?”
“Yeah. I think I told you she died of pancreatic cancer.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I was twelve. I prayed and prayed for God to heal her. But she just got worse. The doctors stopped treatment, and she continued to go downhill, but still I prayed, and I believed too. One day I was visiting her, and she was barely coherent. I told her she was going to be healed because I was praying she would be.”
He tipped his head down until his chin scraped her temple. “She said He’d heal her one way or another. I didn’t understand what she meant until I was sitting at her funeral a week later. She was in heaven, whole and healthy. It wasn’t what I wanted. And then I got to thinking about it. I’d wanted a miracle, and I felt cheated because I didn’t get one. But which is more miraculous—healing a body here on earth, or taking that earthly soul and giving it a new body, an eternal body?”
Josephine understood what he was saying. Still. “But she suffered. If He loved her, why’d He let that happen?”
“She did suffer, and I hated it. But whatever God’s reasons are for the things He allows, His love for me, or for Granny or anyone else, isn’t something I question. He settled that one on the cross.”
Josephine thought of everything she’d done. All the men she’d used. What she’d done to Noah. Unforgiveable. Shame crawled over her like a thousand ants over a morsel of food.
“He loves you, Josie. Don’t ever doubt that. He’s been with you all these years. He knows what happened to you. Your stepdad and that monster who did that to you won’t get by unscathed. He cares about you. You just have to decide to believe it.”
She didn’t know what to say about that. She’d dealt with some of this in counseling. Her feelings of unworthiness. Maybe it was as simple as he said. A decision.
She was going to believe it. Maybe it didn’t all make sense to her—how God could love someone like her. Or why He allowed some of the things that happened. Maybe she didn’t have to understand everything.
She closed her eyes. I’m just going to go ahead and believe, if that’s all right by You, God.
Somewhere deep inside, the brittle shell around her heart gave another hard crack. Peace settled around her, and she wondered what had taken her so long.
Chapter 28
Josephine’s heart had been racing since her little whispered prayer. She’d closed her eyes a dozen times, hoping to doze off, only to have them snap open moments later. She was like a shaken bottle of Coke. If she didn’t release the pressure soon she was going to burst.
It was time to tell him. Maybe she was finally brave enough to explain. Maybe he needed closure, and what did she have to lose now? What did either of them have to lose? Maybe she couldn’t give him anything else, but she could give him this.
She was sitting in the V of his legs, his arms still wrapped around her. She turned her head until her ear was against his chest. She was shivering so hard she was shaking him. Or maybe he was shivering too.
“Noah?”
“Yeah.”
“Can we . . . can we talk about that night?” There was no need for clarification.
He was quiet for a long moment. “I s’pose so.”
“We don’t have to if you don’t want.” She clung to the hope like a child to her blankie. He’d demanded she explain when he’d found out what she’d done. But how could she have explained what she hadn’t understood? And once she finally understood, he wasn’t part of her life anymore.
“No. I want to know.”
She swallowed hard. She didn’t know where to start. They’d had their share of arguments leading up to that night. Mostly her, pushing him, she knew now. She’d been pushing him away. Daring him to love her. She was a fighter.
And she’d fought him hard about that camping trip.
“Josie?”
Just get it out there. What are you so afraid of?
“I guess it started with your camping trip with Jack. You remember how I fought you on that?”
“I wasn’t trying to get away from you, I promise.”
She’d used every excuse in the book to get him to stay home. “It wasn’t about that. It was—it was about Jack.”
He went stiff against her. “Jack?”
“He—he knew everything about me. He’d been counseling me for weeks before you and I started dating. Well, not counseling really. I just kind of needed to confess to someone. And God seemed so far away. From the moment I realized he was your friend, I was so afraid he’d tell you everything. And then when that camping trip came up—I was just sure the other shoe was about to drop. I lived in fear of that very thing.”
He was quiet for a long moment. Her body shuddered in the wake of her confession. Knowing the worst was yet to come didn’t help.
“Noah?”
“Why did that scare you so much? You could’ve told me about your past. I would’ve understood.”
“I was ashamed. There’d been so many men and I-I knew I didn’t deserve you, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay. I loved you. I didn’t care about any of that. It was all in the past.”
“But it wasn’t. Not really.”
He went quiet again for a long, tense moment. His arms slackened, and she instantly missed his warmth. “Were there others? Before that night?”
“No! No, that’s not what I meant. I meant the things that happened to me in the past were still driving my behavior. I wasn’t aware of it at the time. It took a year of therapy to finally get to the bottom of it.”
“Therapy?”
“I—I’ve been seeing someone in Ellijay, trying to figure it all out. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else like that ever again. It scared me, what I did to you. To us. I threw away everything we had, and I didn’t understand why.”
“Tell me.”
She didn’t even know if she could put it into words, much less make him understand. It was so messed up. She fought the shame that threatened to plow her over.
“You know how I was sometimes difficult after we married? How I pushed you away sometimes?”
He didn’t answer for a moment. Probably surprised she was taking responsibility for that when she’d always denied it before.
“It was a test of sorts,” she admitted.
“You were testing me?”
“Not intentionally. But deep down . . . Listen, Noah. Please understand. I’m not trying to excuse my behavior. I’m just trying to explain it.” She needed him to know it wasn’t his fault. That he’d done nothing to cause this.
She felt the deep pull of his lungs against her back. The warm puff of his breath against her temple as he exhaled.
“Who was he?”
Something twisted hard inside, like a rag wrung dry. “An old boyfriend from high school. Garrett.”
“Did you seek him out?”
“No.” She’d been such a wreck while Noah was away on that trip. So afraid he was going to leave her. “I hadn’t heard from you for three days, and I was so sure Jack had told you everything about me.”
“I told you I might not have cell service.”
“I know but . . . the mind can play cruel tricks.” When three days passed without word, the old worries had swooped in like vultures over a dead carcass.
“I was afraid and restless, and the house was so quiet without you. I just couldn’t stand the thought of going home and facing another long night. So after work that Friday night I got in my car and started driving. I ended up in Cartersville.”
“I thought you hated that place.”
“I did. But I told myself I had to face my past. Be brave. I was hungry,
so I stopped to eat at a bar. I ran into him there. I’d had a couple drinks. I wasn’t drunk or anything. Just . . . a little loosened up, I guess. I’m sure that contributed, but it wasn’t why I did it.”
“Well, by all means, tell me why.”
She couldn’t blame him for his anger. Her mind flashed back in time to Garrett. In high school she’d fancied herself in love with him. He was from the right side of the tracks, and though his friends accused him of slumming it with her, he’d professed to love her too.
“Noah . . . you’re not the first man I’ve stepped out on. I cheated on Garrett in high school. With his best friend. And . . .” Her throat thickened. “There were others.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
A wave of shame washed over her, and her eyes burned. “I’m just saying it was a pattern. One I didn’t care enough to explore until I lost you.”
“I’m flattered.”
She pressed her palm against the ache in her chest. She hurt all over from the cold, but nothing hurt as bad as that ache in the center of her chest. What had she expected? That he’d understand?
“Sorry.” His voice strained with control. “Go on.”
“I don’t expect you to understand. It was inexcusable. You didn’t deserve it. Back then I was just trying to—this sounds so selfish. It is selfish. But I needed to know you loved me.”
“I did!”
She clutched his coat sleeve. “I know. I know you did, Noah.”
In fact, he’d had her on a pedestal, and the thought of letting him down—the thought of losing him—was a crushing fear. How could Noah, the man who’d put his desires for her on hold until their wedding night, ever understand the way she’d gone through man after man? The way she’d been unfaithful so many times? She hadn’t understood it herself.
“But . . . there was this hole in me, Noah. I’d never been loved unconditionally. Not even by my mom. And I so desperately needed to be loved like that. When I said I was testing you, that’s what I meant. Deep down I needed to be loved no matter what.”
“So I was supposed to just, what? Let you cheat on me?”
“No.”
Although deep down that’s what she’d longed for. When he’d filed for divorce within days, it had devastated her. After she’d been served she’d spent the next three days in bed. Had told Callie she was down with the flu. She’d fallen into a deep, dark hole, and it had taken everything she had to climb out of it and go on.
Even though she’d known she deserved Noah’s response. She’d proven herself right—she was unworthy of love. His or anyone else’s. Those voices in her head telling her she was good for one thing. That she’d never keep a man. They played relentlessly. Sometimes she still fought to silence those voices.
“I needed something from you that my parents hadn’t given me. And that wasn’t fair.”
“You didn’t have feelings for this guy?”
“No. I didn’t want him in any way.” She hadn’t made it five miles outside of Cartersville before she was emptying her stomach by the side of the road. “I was repulsed by what I did. So ashamed. And so scared. I knew you were going to find out. I knew I was going to lose you. That I deserved it.”
And she had. His brother had been exiting the adjoining Mexican restaurant that night. She’d known he went there occasionally. Maybe subconsciously she’d wanted to be caught—she’d talked about that in counseling. That maybe she’d needed to see if Noah would love her anyway.
She’d gotten her answer right quick.
“I’m only telling you this because I want you to know it was nothing you did, okay? You—you were a great husband. The best.”
She swallowed against the ache in her throat. She was suddenly so exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally. But she needed to say one more thing.
“Those things that happened when I was a child made me feel so powerless. And later all those other men—it was just my way of taking back control. Men weren’t going to use me anymore; I was going to use them first. I know it sounds horrible, and it is. But in my mind, sex was power. You didn’t let me use that weapon when we were dating, and I didn’t know what to think of that.”
He was quiet so long, and she wondered what he was thinking. No doubt he was realizing just how messed up the woman he’d married was.
“Noah?”
“I was . . . thinking about, you know, after we were married. Was it . . . not good for you?”
She clutched his arm. “Oh, Noah. I felt so much with you. Things I’d never felt with anyone else, and it scared me silly. Before you, sex just made me . . . numb. It was like I was seeing through a dark tunnel. But with you I felt everything. You were different from the very first kiss.
“M-my past had such a hold on me. A death grip. You don’t know what powerless is until you’re twelve years old and trapped under a grown man who takes whatever he wants.”
He exhaled and a long silence followed.
“And your only parent is in the next room, letting it happen. Oh, Josie. I’ve been such an idiot.”
“I think you’re due your pound of flesh, Noah.”
His arms tightened around her. She felt the warmth of his breath on her temple. The delicious friction of his whiskers on her skin.
“How about if I just forgive you instead?” he whispered softly.
At his words peace spread through her, like the sweetest of nectars.
“Thank you.” She heard the relief in her own voice. She was tired. So tired. But she wasn’t quite finished. “There’s one more thing I need to tell you, Noah.”
She felt him tense behind her, and she couldn’t blame him. She’d dumped an awful lot on him.
“What’s that?”
“There—there hasn’t been anyone else since our separation. I don’t know what rumors you may have heard, but . . . I haven’t so much as looked twice at another man.”
She felt him relax, muscle by muscle. Moment by moment. He said nothing else, just tightened his arms around her.
Chapter 29
A while later Noah got up to cut more pine boughs. He needed time alone to work through everything Josie had said. It all made sense, in a twisted kind of way. It made him sorry for her childhood. Thankful for his own.
He brought the boughs back and carved out a spot big enough for them to lie down. He built the banks around the bed as a shelter against the wind and hoped it was enough.
It was almost dark by the time he was finished. After Josie lay down on the makeshift bed he settled in behind her, wrapping her tight, his knees tucked against the back of hers.
Awhile later he began shivering, and she tucked his hand inside her coat. A fist tightened around his heart. Something had shifted with her confession. With his forgiveness. He wanted to explore it, but he had other, more pressing concerns.
Her confession seemed to have sapped the last of her energy. She’d grown quiet, and he was so worried for her. Worried she wouldn’t make it till morning.
The chances of help coming before then were slim to none. The night stretched ahead, long and cold, and fear settled like a rock in the pit of his stomach. It was now so dark he could barely make out the silhouettes of the trees against the starless sky.
“Noah?”
“Yeah, honey.”
“J-just wanted to see if you were still awake.”
He curled his gloved hands into the material of her shirt. “Want me to turn on the flashlight?”
“I’m okay.”
He shifted his arm under Josie’s head. She was shaking so hard, and her stomach felt like marble. Her words were slurred, and she was too apathetic for his liking. He should probably keep her awake, but that was unrealistic. He’d check on her through the night. Convince her help was on the way.
“Noah? You awake?”
A shiver of fear raced through him at the repetition. “Yeah. Just hang on, Josie. Help’s coming.”
He’d give anything to fix this. But he
’d done everything he knew to do. Prayer was all that was left, and he had that covered too.
He was glad they’d talked about their faith earlier. She’d always shied away from those conversations. Now that he knew more about her past, he was beginning to understand how it all tied together.
He thought again of all she’d been through. What did he know about hardship? He’d grown up in a loving family—his biggest worry was who he’d play with at lunch. Josie’d been thrust into adulthood at a young age. No safety net.
He opened his eyes a few minutes later to pitch black. He wished again for a fire. Not only for the warmth but for the light.
He tightened his arms around her. “Sorry it’s so dark.”
“Never bothered me, long as you were near.”
“Why’s that?”
It took awhile for her answer. “You make me feel safe.”
The words tightened his chest. He felt unworthy of her faith in him somehow. He wasn’t the one who’d spoiled what they had. Yet he couldn’t help but see it as his failure, at least to some extent. Regret settled inside, leaving a heaviness in his chest.
“I wish I could’ve made you happy,” he said softly, the darkness somehow giving him courage.
“Oh, Noah. You did. Best thing that ever happened to me.”
He didn’t know how that could be true. But he wanted to believe it in the worst way.
“It was me. Not you. I’m sorry.” Her voice was thick with tears. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Shhh. I forgive you.” She didn’t need to waste energy on this.
What did any of it matter now, anyway? When they were lying here in the middle of nowhere, slowly freezing to death. If help didn’t come soon, those documents back at the house wouldn’t matter one iota.
We’re still married. The thought wrapped around him like a warm blanket. Was it crazy that he was comforted by that somehow?
He suddenly needed to touch her, feel her skin against his own. He removed a glove and palmed her cheek. Her skin was so cold. Colder than his fingers. And wet.
He brushed away her tears and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Better stop that. Your tears will freeze on your face.”
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