by Carl Hiassen
" 'A live one.' Gimme a break."
She eyed him over the rims of her peach-tinted shades. "You're pretty touchy about this stuff, aren't you? I suppose that's the white man's burden. At least the liberal white man."
"Who said I was liberal."
"You're cute when you're on the defensive. Want the rest of my coffee? I gotta pee."
"Not now," Tom Krome said. "Take off your hat and duck."
The red pickup was rolling toward them, in reverse. The driver backed up to a slip where a twenty-foot boat was tied. It had twin out-boards, a flecked blue-and-gray finish and a folding Bimini top. From the tackle shop you couldn't have seen it, moored between a towering Hatteras and a boxy houseboat.
Peering over the dashboard, Krome watched a tall, unshaven passenger get out of the truck: the ponytailed man. He carried a bottle of beer and some tools – a screwdriver, a wire cutter, a socket wrench. The man climbed somewhat unsteadily into the boat and disappeared behind the steering console.
"What's going on?" JoLayne, inching up in the seat.
Krome told her to stay down. He saw a puff of blue smoke, then heard the outboards start. The ponytailed man stood up and signaled laconically at the driver of the pickup truck. Then the ponytailed man untied the lines and with both hands pushed the boat away from the pilings.
"They're stealing it," Krome reported.
JoLayne said: "My neck hurts. May I sit up?"
"In a second."
Barely fifty yards from the dock, the ponytailed man shoved forward the throttle of the stolen boat. Momentarily the bow rose upward like a gaily striped missile, then leveled off under a collar of foam as the boat took out across the shallows of Florida Bay. At the same instant, and with a sudden-yelp of rubber, the red pickup truck shot toward the marina exit.
"Now?" asked JoLayne.
"All clear," Krome told her.
She rose, glancing first at the departing truck and then at the receding gray speck on the water. "All right, smart guy. Which one's got my ticket?"
"Beats me," Krome said.
17
It was Shiner's first kidnapping, and despite a shaky start it came off pretty well.
He had hitchhiked to the Grove, where he'd fallen asleep in Peacock Park. In midafternoon he'd awakened and wandered down Grand Avenue to buy a handgun. His street-corner inquiries had been so poorly received that he'd been chased from the neighborhood by a group of black and Hispanic teenagers. Naturally he'd lost his bush hat and the golf spikes, which were ill-suited for a footrace.
Armed only with a stubby Phillips-head screwdriver he'd found beneath a banyan tree, Shiner arrived at Hooters shortly before five o'clock. Remembering Chub's instructions, he struck up a conversation with the bartender, who was glad to point out Amber among the servers. Shiner scoped her out – hot-looking, like Chub had said, but as a rule most waitresses were hot-looking to Shiner. And while Chub had made a great point of detailing Amber's uncanny resemblance to Kim Basinger, the information was useless to Shiner. He didn't know who Kim Basinger was. While preparing for the crime, Shiner became apprehensive over the possibility of snatching the wrong girl. What if Hooters had more than one Amber? Chub would shoot him dead, that's what.
Hours later, Shiner was crouched behind a hedgerow when the waitress identified by the bartender left work. She slipped behind the wheel of a giant Ford sedan, which momentarily rattled Shiner (who'd been expecting a sports car – in his mind, all hot-looking babes belonged in sports cars). He recovered his composure, flung himself in the passenger side and placed the tip of the screwdriver against Amber's soft and flawless neck.
"Whoa," she said.
Not a scream, but a whoa.
"You Amber?"
She nodded carefully.
"The one looks like the actor – Kim something?"
Amber said, "You're the second guy this week who's told me that."
Shiner was flooded with relief. "All right. Now drive."
"That a knife?"
Shiner pulled the screwdriver away from Amber's neck. The grooved tip left a small, stellate impression in her skin; Shiner could see it in the green glow of the dashboard.
Hastily he slipped the tool into his pocket. "Yeah, it's a knife. I got a damn gun, too."
"I believe you," Amber said.
After a few wrong turns, he got her pointed south. She didn't ask where they were going, but Shiner was ready if she did. Base camp,would be his answer. Base camp of the White Clarion Aryans! That'd give her something to think about.
"This your car?" he asked.
"My dad gave it to me. Runs great," Amber said.
Not the least bit shy. That's cool, Shiner thought.
"My boyfriend has a Miata," she added. "Well, hada Miata. Anyhow, I like this better. More legroom – I've got super-long legs."
Shiner felt his cheeks flush. Up close, Amber was very beautiful. Whenever headlights passed in the other direction, he could see glimmers of gold in her long eyelashes. Plus she smelled absolutely fantastic for someone who worked with chicken wings and burgers, not to mention the onions. Shiner believed Amber smelled about a thousand times sweeter than the baskets of orange blossoms his mother would take to the Road-Stain Jesus. True, they were week-old orange blossoms (purchased in bulk from a turnpike gift shop) but still they held a fragrance.
Amber said, "What happened to your head?" She was talking about the crankcase scar.
"I got hurt."
"Car accident?"
"Sort of." Shiner was surprised she noticed it, since she'd barely taken her eyes off the road since he'd hopped in.
"How about buckling your seat belt," she said.
"No way." Shiner remembered what Bodean Gazzer had said about seat belts being part of the government's secret plot to "neutralize the citizenry." If you're wearing seat belts, Bode had explained, it'll be harder to jump out of the car and escape, once the NATO helicopters start landing on the highways. That's the whole reason they made the seat-belt law, Bode had said, to make sure millions of Americans would be strapped down and helpless when the global attack was launched. As intriguing as Bode's explanation was, Shiner decided the information was too sensitive to share with Amber.
"What's that on your arm?" she asked. She turned on the dome light for a better look at Shiner's tattoo.
"It's a eagle," he said, self-consciously.
"I meant the W.R.B.Is that for the White Rebel Brotherhood?"
Shiner said, "Man, it's a long story."
"I saw 'em in concert. They were killer."
"Yeah?"
"The best is 'Nut-Cutting Bitch.' Ever heard it? You like hip-hop?"
"Metal." Shiner gave his decorated biceps a subtle flex; it wasn't often he had a pretty girl's undivided attention.
She said, "Then what's the deal with your W.R.B.? They are so notheavy metal."
Shiner told Amber there'd been a mix-up on his tattoo. He was pleased to hear her say she could fix it.
"But only if you let me go," she added.
"No way."
"My best friend worked in a tattoo parlor for two summers. I hung out there, God, for hours. It's not as hard as it looks."
Shiner's lips drew tight. Ruefully he said: "I can't let you free. Not right away."
"Oh." Amber turned off the dome light. For a long time she didn't speak to him. When two tank-topped frat boys in a Beemer convertible nearly sideswiped them, she said: "Fuckheads." But it was practically a whisper, not intended as conversation. Soon Shiner grew nervous again. He'd been doing fine while Amber was chatty, but now his feet were tapping with the jitters. Plus he felt like a dolt. He felt like he'd blown something.
Finally she said, "You're going to rape me, aren't you?"
"No way."
"Don't lie. It's better if I know."
"I ain't lyin'!"
"Then what is all this?" Both hands were fixed on the wheel. Her thin arms were straight and stiff. "What's going on?"
Shiner said
, "It's a favor for a friend."
"I get it. Then he'sgoing to rape me."
"Over my dead body!" Shiner was startled by his own vehemence.
It drew a hopeful glance from Amber. "You mean it?"
"Damn straight I do."
"Thanks," she said, turning her attention back to the traffic. "You don't really have a gun, do you?"
"Naw."
"So, what's your name?" Amber asked.
Both of Arthur Battenkill's secretaries knew something was wrong, because he'd stopped pestering them for sex. The women didn't complain; they much preferred typing and filing. The judge's deportment in bed was no different from that in the office – arrogant and abrupt.
Dana and Willow often discussed their respective intimacies with Arthur Battenkill, and this was done with no trace of possessiveness or jealousy. Rather, the conversations served as a source of mutual support – the man was a burden they shared.
Willow reported: "He didn't ask me to stay after work."
"Me, neither," said Dana. "That's two days in a row!"
"What do you think?" Willow said.
"He's upset about Champ quitting."
"Could be."
"If that's what really happened," Dana added, lifting an eyebrow.
Both secretaries were puzzled by the sudden departure of the law clerk, Champ Powell. At first Arthur Battenkill had said he'd gone home for a family emergency. Then the judge had said no, that was merely a cover story. Actually, Champ had been called back to the Gadsden County sheriffs department for a special undercover operation. The project was so secret and dangerous that even his family wasn't told.
Which explained, the judge had said, why Champ's mother kept calling the office, looking for him.
Dana and Willow remained unconvinced. "He didn't seem like the undercover type," Dana remarked. "B'sides, he really loved his job here."
"Plus he idolized the judge," Willow said. "That he did."
Champ Powell's devotion was almost an unnatural thing, both women agreed. The clerk was so enamored of Arthur Battenkill that initially the secretaries suspected he was gay. In fact they'd privately discussed the possibility of Champ's seducing the judge, which wouldn't have bothered them one bit. Anything to distract the man.
But it hadn't yet happened, at least to their knowledge.
Said Dana: "Whatever's got into Art, let's just leave it be."
"Amen," Willow said.
"Sit back and enjoy the peace."
"Right."
"Hey. Maybe he's found God."
Willow laughed so hard that Diet Pepsi jetted out of her nostrils. Naturally that's when the judge walked in. As Willow grabbled for a box of Kleenex, Arthur Battenkill said, "How elegant."
"Sorry."
"It's like having Princess Grace answering the phones."
With that, the judge disappeared into his chambers, closing the door. Willow was somewhat battered by his first-thing-in-the-morning sarcasm, so Dana took him coffee.
She told the judge he didn't look well.
"It's Saturday," he grumbled. The chief judge had been on Arthur Battenkill's ass about clearing the case backlog, so he'd been putting in hours on weekends.
"You haven't slept." Dana, affecting a motherly tone.
"Pollens. Mold spores." Arthur Battenkill took a sip of coffee. "I sleep fine."
It was the scene at breakfast that had disturbed him – Katie gobbling down four huge buttermilk flapjacks and a bagel, a clear signal she was no longer grieving. Clearing the dishes, she'd exhibited a perkiness that could have at its root only one explanation: She'd come to believe her precious Tommy wasn't dead.
Reluctantly the judge had already reached the same conclusion. The strongest evidence was the uncharacteristic lack of communication from Champ Powell, who by now should have called to seek Arthur Battenkill's praise and gratitude for the arson. Nearly as ominous: Champ's Harley-Davidson motorcycle had been found and towed from a Blockbuster parking lot three blocks from Tom Krome's house. The judge was certain Champ never would have abandoned the bike were he still alive.
The unexpected upswing of Katie's mood had clinched it for Arthur Battenkill. Picking indifferently at his pancakes, he'd recalled hearing the telephone ring while he was in the shower – probably Krome, calling to tell Katie not to worry. The mannerly motherfucker.
Now Dana, arms folded: "You've got that emergency hearing in ten minutes. Would you like me to press your robe?"
"No. Who is it?"
"Mrs. Bensinger."
"God. Let me guess."
Dana dropped her voice. "Another alimony problem."
Arthur Battenkill said, "I hate those horrible people. Thank heaven they never had children."
"Not so loud. She's out in the hall."
"Yeah?" The judge cupped his hands to his mouth: "Greedy freeloading twat!"
Dana looked at him blankly.
The judge said, "Her husband's a thieving shit, too."
"Yes, he is."
"By the way, I've decided to take some time off. I suppose you and Willow will survive without me. I get that impression."
Dana fixed her gaze safely on the coffeepot. "How long will you be gone?"
"I can't say." Mrs. Battenkill and I are going away together." The judge thumbed his appointment book. "See if Judge Beckman will cover for me starting late next week. Can you do that?"
"Certainly."
"And, Dana, this is supposed to be a surprise for my wife, so don't blow it."
Willow buzzed on the speakerphone to report that Mr. Bensinger had arrived and that the atmosphere in the hallway was growing tense.
"Fuck 'em." Arthur Battenkill snorted. "I hope they slaughter each other with blunt objects. Save the taxpayers a few bucks. Dana, isn't it Judge Tigert over in Probate who's got the bungalow in Exuma?"
"The Abacos."
"Whatever. See if it's available."
The notion of the judge taking his wife on a romantic trip to the Bahamas was stupefying. Obviously the man was suffering a breakdown. Dana could hardly wait to share the gossip with Willow.
As she was leaving his chambers, Arthur Battenkill called out: "Dana, darling, you're doing a superb job of concealing your amusement."
"What on earth are you talking about."
"Don't pretend to know everything about me. Don't pretend to have me figured out. I dohave feelings for Mrs. Battenkill."
"Oh, I believe you," Dana said. "By the way, Art, how'd she like the new necklace?"
The judge's smug expression dissolved. "Send in the goddamn Bensingers," he said.
JoLayne Lucks hadn't been to the Keys since she was a small girl. She was amazed at how much had changed, the homey and congenial tackiness supplanted by franchise fast-food joints, strip malls and high-rise resorts. To take her mind off the riffraff, JoLayne recited for Tom Krome a roster of local birds, resident and migratory: ospreys, snowy egrets, white herons, blue herons, kingfishers, flycatchers, cardinals, grackles, robins, red-tailed hawks, white-crowned pigeons, flickers, roseate spoonbills ...
"Once there were even flamingos," she informed him. "Guess what happened to them."
Krome didn't respond. He was watching Bodean James Gazzer strip and clean a large semiautomatic rifle. Even from a distance of a hundred yards, the barrel glinted ominously in the noon sun.
"Tom, you don't even care."
"I like flamingos," he said, "but what we have here is a rare green-breasted shithead. Broad daylight, he's playing with guns."
"Yes, I can see."
Tom had rejected her latest plan, which involved ambushing Bodean Gazzer alone, jamming her twelve-gauge into his groin and demanding under threat of emasculation that he return the stolen lottery ticket.
Not here, Krome had told her. Not yet.
They were parked on a bleached strip of limestone fill, along a rim of lush mangroves. Not far away was a gravel boat ramp, blocked at the moment by Bodean Gazzer's red pickup. The driver's door was open a
nd he stood in full view; neck-to-knees camouflage, cowboy boots, mirrored sunglasses. He had a chamois cloth spread on the hood, the assault rifle in pieces before him.
"Steel balls. I give him that," Krome said.
"No, he's just a fool. A damn fool."
JoLayne feared a cop would drive by and see what Bodean Gazzer was doing. Once the idiot got himself arrested, the chase would be over. The thing would boil down to JoLayne's word against the redneck's, and he'd never produce the ticket.
A small black bird landed in the trees and began to sing. Krome said, "OK, what's that one?"
"Redwing," JoLayne answered stiffly.
"They endangered?"
"Not yet. Don't you find it obscene – their presence in a place like this? They're like ... litter."She was talking about the two robbers. "They don't deserve this – to feel the sun on their necks and breathe this fine air. It's completely wasted on men like that."
Krome rolled down the car window and took in the cool salt breeze. In a sleepy voice he said, "I could get used to this. Maybe after Alaska."
JoLayne, thjnking: How can he act so relaxed? She could no longer distract herself with the island wildlife, so unnerving was the spectacle of Bodean Gazzer toiling ritually at his gun. She couldn't shake the memory of that awful scene in her house – not just the man's punches and kicking, but his voice:
Hey, genius, she can't talk with a gun in her mouth.
Talking to his filthy, ponytailed friend:
You wanna make a impression? Look here.
Snatching one of the baby turtles from the glass tank, putting it on the wooden floor, coaxing his ponytailed friend to shoot it. That's what Bodean Gazzer had done.
Yet here he was, fit and free in the Florida sunshine. With a $14 million Lotto ticket hidden somewhere, possibly inside a rubber.
JoLayne said to Tom: "I can't just sit here doing nothing."
"You're absolutely right. You should drive to the grocery." Krome took out his wallet. "Then you should stop at one of those motels and rent a boat. I'll give you some money."
JoLayne said she had a better idea. "I'll stay here and keep an eye on the archpatriot. Yougo get the boat."