‘How will we explain it?’
‘We’ll say you drank some wine and there were no taxis available. Keep it simple. They’re only young, Rick.’
He looked doubtful.
‘Come on. They’ll probably be awake soon.’
‘Right,’ he conceded. He threw his clothes on and crept up the stairs.
Before doing the same, I quickly went over the area by the phone with the dustpan and brush and then a floor wipe. I would have liked to have used the vacuum cleaner, but I was afraid of waking up the girls. Rick had already done a good job, to be fair, and after a few minutes on my hands and knees, I called it a night.
The old me would have been there for ages, Sam, but I didn’t allow myself to get OCD about it. That’s not to say I didn’t get up early the next morning to vacuum before the girls came downstairs. Of course I did, but that’s just common sense. I couldn’t risk them cutting themselves on a stray piece of glass.
Anyway, as I went to bed, still feeling flushed from my time with Rick, it struck me that he’d not so much as given me a peck on the cheek when he’d gone upstairs. I brushed it off. Put it down to the rude awakening. But still. It did seem a bit cold after what had happened between us.
Hold on. There’s someone at the door.
I’m back now. Several hours have passed; it’s almost 11 p.m.
It was Dan at the door. He wanted to mow the lawn for me, if you can believe it, and was surprised to find it had already been done. I could hardly not invite him in, could I? But it wasn’t long until I wished I hadn’t. First of all Ruby told him that Rick had been the one who’d cut the grass. And then she said: ‘He’s my new friend Anna’s dad. They both slept over last night.’
I was mortified. ‘Anna came for a sleepover,’ I explained to Dan. ‘Rick stayed for some food and wasn’t able to get a taxi, so he took the spare room.’
‘Oh he did now, did he?’
‘It’s not what you think,’ I lied to him when Ruby disappeared to the toilet a short while later. But he was having none of it, especially once he spotted the roses Rick had given me and put two and two together.
‘So let me get this straight,’ he said, his face twisted into a knot of fury. ‘You knew that Romeo Rick was coming over yesterday when we spoke. You let me apologise and open up my heart to you. You gave me hope that we might get back together. Then you went and had your cosy little sleepover with lover boy. That’s low, Maria.’
‘That’s not fair, Dan. It wasn’t like that at all. Rick and Anna turned up unannounced.’
‘Did you sleep with him?’
‘What? That’s ridiculous,’ I said. ‘Why would you ask me that?’
Not very honest of me, I know, but he put me on the spot and I feared how he’d react if I told him the truth.
‘It’s a simple question, Maria. Yes or no?’
Ruby walked back into the lounge at that moment, thank goodness, saving me from having to give an answer. I knew it would be a short stay of execution, though, as there was no chance of Dan letting this drop. So I used the time I’d gained to come up with a story.
‘You’ve got it all wrong,’ I told him after sending Ruby upstairs on the pretext of showing him the book she’d borrowed from Anna. ‘I got some bad news yesterday – from Mum and Dad. Rick was here when I took the call. He could see I was upset and stayed to make sure I was all right. That’s it.’
‘What bad news?’ Dan asked. I told him, exaggerating ever so slightly to emphasise the point. Not good, I know. Really bad, in fact, but I needed something to distract him away from quizzing me about Rick. Something close enough to the truth to be convincing. It was the best I could come up with.
‘I was telling your father what happened to Grandma and Grandpa,’ I explained to Ruby when she returned.
‘Grandpa’s in hospital,’ she said to Dan. ‘But we don’t have to worry. He’s not going to die. This is the book Mummy was talking about. It’s really good.’
The fire in his eyes had died down but not disappeared by the time he left. I didn’t risk being alone with him any more, for fear of being asked that question again. I held Ruby close as we said goodbye at the front door.
‘I’ll call tomorrow,’ he said. ‘Check how your dad’s doing.’
‘I’m not sure I’ll have heard—’
‘Nonetheless,’ he replied with a steely gaze. ‘I’ll call tomorrow.’
So now I’ve got to decide what to say to him, Sam. Do I keep on lying or do I tell the truth?
I can’t believe I asked that after all those years I spent drumming into you that lying was bad. It still is. There’s no excuse. But I’m trying to weigh up what will do the most damage: telling him now or not telling him and running the risk of him finding out in the future. The latter would be the worst possible outcome. But how likely would it be to happen? If I don’t tell him, the only other person who could is Rick. Unless he tells someone else and … oh, this is ridiculous. Dan and I aren’t even together any more. But the thing is, Sam – bizarrely – now that something has happened with Rick, I’m wondering whether it’s actually Dan I want to be with.
It’s crazy. I don’t know what’s going on in my mind. But hey, at least it’s not OCD. With everything else going on, I’ve had no time for that. I’ve not even felt my usual urge to screw up this letter and start again.
I’m going to sign off now, Sam. I’ll write again very soon. How else am I going to work out what to do?
Love as always,
M
Xx
CHAPTER 25
BEFORE
Sunday, 27 March 2016
Easter Sunday. The first without Sam. The next step in the painful trawl through the calendar leading up to the one-year anniversary of her death. Everything was the first without Sam. Last month’s horrendous hurdle had been her birthday, on Valentine’s Day. Before that it had been Christmas and New Year. Now this. Would it get easier as time passed?
And what about that awful feeling he woke up to every morning: the sinking realisation that his daughter really was dead; that it hadn’t been a horrible dream? Would that ever stop or was he stuck with it for life?
Dan fell asleep every night hoping that he might dream of Sam being alive again. But he rarely did – not that he could remember, anyway. The only recent exception was a dream set in an airport. The two of them had been travelling together, only to be split up by security guards after their hand luggage was scanned. He’d been detained on suspicion of drug smuggling and a terrified-looking Sam had been ushered through to the departure lounge alone. Dan had woken up in a cold sweat at that point.
Usually she was dead in his dreams. In the kinder ones that meant, like in real life, she wasn’t around. But in the nightmares, he’d encounter a chilling vision of her corpse, skin as white as the eyes were black, devoid of humanity. Sometimes he’d find himself buried alive alongside it, unable to escape the horror. On other occasions it would reanimate, like something from a zombie movie. And even as it hunted him down, he’d search for some trace of his daughter. He’d beg for a sign she was still in there, only for some animalistic groan to leave the monster’s drooling blue lips.
It didn’t help, of course, that he’d been the one who’d found her. He saw something that day which no parent should ever have to see. The image of that awful scene was burned into Dan’s mind. He wished he could forget, but he couldn’t. Throughout everything he did, it was always lurking in the background.
‘Please not now,’ Dan said to the empty bedroom as he felt his mind returning to that awful memory. He threw back the double quilt, wondering how long ago Maria had slipped out of her side of the bed, and put on his dressing gown, still fighting to shift his thoughts elsewhere.
His head throbbed. A mild hangover from the beer and whisky he’d drunk the night before. Nothing he wasn’t used to. It was more unusual to wake with a clear head these days. He often thought about having a booze-free day, especially when he woke up feelin
g like this, but it was usually a different story by the time evening came around. A couple of drinks took the edge off. And it was usually only a couple, apart from at weekends when it tended to be a few more. Dan was pretty sure he didn’t have a problem. He had considered it privately – not that he’d admit this to anyone – and he’d decided that as long as he wasn’t drinking during the day or doing it in secret, he was fine.
He almost bumped into Ruby in the hallway. She was also in her dressing gown and, judging from the barely open state of her eyes, had recently woken up.
‘What’s this mole doing walking around my house in Ruby’s dressing gown?’ he said, ruffling her hair. ‘Where’s my daughter? What have you done to her?’
‘Daddy,’ Ruby replied with a sleepy smile. ‘Don’t be silly.’
The two of them wished each other a happy Easter before heading downstairs together. Dan feared what they might find, but he was happy to discover Maria preparing breakfast. The dining table was already laid, including a chocolate egg for each of them, and the welcoming smell of fresh coffee and warm bread was wafting out of the kitchen.
‘Good morning,’ he said, finding Maria attending to a pan of boiling eggs at the hob. ‘Happy Easter.’
She turned and smiled, giving him a rare peck on the lips before kissing Ruby on the forehead. ‘Happy Easter, both of you. You’re right on time. I was about to give you a shout. Breakfast will be served in, ooh, five minutes. Grab yourselves a seat and relax.’
‘Are you sure?’ Dan asked. ‘Is there nothing I can do to help?’
‘Nope. It’s all under control.’
‘Wow. I’m impressed. Hasn’t Mummy done a great job?’
Ruby gave an enthusiastic nod as she headed back to the table and the lure of her chocolate egg.
‘Which one do you think is yours?’ he asked. ‘I think the Hello Kitty one is probably mine.’
‘Daddy! You’re being silly again. Yours is the Yorkie, of course.’
‘Really? You think so? How do you know that’s not Mummy’s?’
‘Because it’s your favourite. Hers is the Caramel, because that’s what she likes.’
‘You might be right.’
‘Can I open my egg after breakfast? Oh look, it’s got chocolate buttons inside. And there’s a picture you can colour in on the back. Look!’
‘Wow. Yes, of course you can open it after breakfast. It is Easter.’
‘Yay.’
‘Hold on. Be quiet for a moment. Can you hear that?’
‘What? I don’t hear anything.’
‘It’s like a scratching, sniffing kind of noise. I think it’s coming from over there.’
Dan walked to the sideboard and put his ear against one of the doors, holding a finger up to his lips. He nodded, whispering: ‘In here.’
‘Daddy, you’re tricking me. There’s nothing inside.’
‘No, really. I can definitely hear something. Come and listen if you don’t believe me. Put your ear here, like I did.’
Ruby did as he asked and, without her noticing, Dan scratched the bottom of the unit, making her jump.
‘What is that?’ she asked, backing away, eyes wide open. ‘Do you think it might be a mouse or – yuck – a rat?’
Dan could tell Ruby was anxious now, which wasn’t what he was aiming for. ‘No, no. Don’t worry. It’s not a mouse or a rat. I think it’s something nice. Do you want to have a look?’
She shook her head. ‘You do it.’
Dan opened the door and pulled out the foil-wrapped chocolate rabbit he’d placed in there the night before. ‘Look. It’s a golden bunny,’ he said. ‘Nothing to be afraid of, darling.’
‘I knew you were tricking me. Was it you who made the noise?’
‘What do you mean? It was obviously this rabbit.’
Dan made the rabbit snuffle around Ruby’s neck, causing her to giggle. ‘Oh dear. He says it smells of peanut butter there. I think you’d better have a shower after breakfast.’
‘Daddy! I had one last night. And I do not smell of peanut butter.’
‘I know. Only joking.’ He handed her the chocolate. ‘Here you go. Happy Easter.’
‘Come on, you two. Food,’ Maria said, carrying the eggs in one hand and a plate of hot cross buns and croissants in the other.
‘Yummy,’ Dan said. ‘Come on, love. Let’s sit down.’
They’d decided to spend Easter without any other family this year. There had been an invite to stay with Maria’s parents for the weekend, but Dan hadn’t fancied it and, luckily, neither had Maria. They’d blamed it on him having to work, although in reality he was only required in the office on Easter Monday.
He did feel a little bad for Ruby. Helen and Geoff were always great with her and it wasn’t like she had much in the way of other family. Dan and Maria were both only children; on his side there was just his mum left. Thanks to the Alzheimer’s, she rarely knew who he was these days. She’d actually confused him with the doctor when he’d called in to see her on Good Friday. His dad had died from a massive heart attack three months before Ruby was born. She had a few second cousins, but none lived nearby and she’d only met them a handful of times.
Because of their own backgrounds, Dan and Maria had both felt strongly about having more than one child. And they’d achieved that, only to have it torn away from them again. So Ruby would grow up as an only child after all.
That thought popped into his head as they had breakfast and, although he kept smiling for the others, it made him feel like beating his chest and screaming at the sky. Made his heart ache for Sam to be back there with them – her old seat at the table never looking emptier than it did at that moment.
‘I really missed her today,’ Dan said to Maria after putting Ruby to bed that evening.
She nodded but didn’t reply. Kept on staring at the TV, which was tuned into one of the twenty-four-hour news channels.
‘Why don’t we talk about her to each other any more?’ he asked. He’d held in his emotions all day, for Ruby’s sake. Now he needed an outlet.
Maria sighed, turning her head towards him in slow motion. ‘Do we have to do this now?’
‘Yes. I think we do.’
‘I tried really hard today, Dan. I wanted to make it a nice day for Ruby and I’m worn out.’
He perched himself on the arm of the couch, next to where she was sitting. ‘I understand that, love. More than anybody. I thought maybe I could put the pain aside today, but she barely left my thoughts. I kept thinking back to all the previous Easters we spent together. I couldn’t get past the fact she should have been with us.’
He turned to make eye contact with his wife, only to see that she was crying. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, instantly feeling guilty. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you. You were great today, honestly. I—’
‘What you described is how I feel every day, Dan. You go off to work – get away from it – but I’m here all the time, constantly reminded that she’s not.’
‘You could go back to work if you wanted to. It was your choice to stop.’
She shook her head. ‘I wasn’t here enough for Sam and look what happened. There’s no way I’m risking that with Ruby.’
‘What about if you found something part-time, so you only worked during school hours? That’s not so uncommon.’
‘As a solicitor? Are you serious?’
Dan sighed, running a hand through his hair. ‘How about voluntary work, then? That would get you out of the house; you might even meet some new friends.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Nothing. I’m just trying to help.’
‘Well, you’re not, Dan. You might be able to carry on doing things as you always have, but I can’t. There’s too much at stake. I’m not losing another daughter.’
‘There’s no need to be so dramatic, Maria. I was—’
‘Dramatic? I don’t believe you. Why do you always have to make everything worse?’
Dan stood up
.
‘Going for a fag, I suppose. The answer to everything.’
He didn’t reply, knowing better than to rise to the bait, although Maria was right. He hadn’t smoked all day. Now he was gagging for one.
He went outside to the car and pulled his half-empty pack and lighter out of the glovebox. He sparked one up from the shelter of the passenger seat, standing to smoke it on the drive, enjoying the head rush from the nicotine his body craved.
‘Evening,’ a neighbour he vaguely knew called out, walking past with his chocolate Labrador. ‘Happy Easter.’
‘Thanks. You too.’
It was quiet after that, as Dan liked it, giving him the chance to reflect. They’d had a nice day until now, despite how he’d been feeling. Following breakfast, there had been a leisurely period of lounging around, reading the papers and listening to music while Ruby ate chocolate and coloured in the picture on her egg box. Later they’d had an egg hunt around the house. Dan had done the hiding, with Ruby and Maria hunting; then they’d swapped and he’d been the one searching for the chocolate treats. In the afternoon they went for a walk along the river that ran through town, before enjoying a tasty meal at The Golden Dragon on High Street.
There had been plenty of light conversation between him and Maria, but he guessed that was more for Ruby’s benefit than anything else. Without ever specifically discussing it, they’d both done everything they could to make it a normal family day for her. Maria had even avoided any of her weird obsessive behaviour. But now their daughter was in bed, it was business as usual: cold and lifeless, teetering towards dysfunctional.
As he so often did nowadays, Dan found himself regretting how the conversation had gone between them. Surely there was some way he could have handled it better. Why hadn’t he put his arm around her, like he would have done without thinking in the past? She might not have brushed him off this time. It might have been enough to break through that barrier she’d erected around herself. It could have been a step forward.
But no, he’d gone for a cigarette instead. Now she wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him. If he went within a couple of metres of her, she’d turn her nose up and complain that he smelled disgusting.
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