The more I think about it, the more all of this comes back to him. He has to have been lying to me. About how much, though? I consider what Sam said before hanging up. She told me not to let him see the phone. She had to have been talking about Miles. It was right at the moment he turned up. Maybe because she saw him coming, meaning …
I rush back outside, the biting wind seizing another opportunity to ridicule my lack of a coat.
‘Hello?’ I shout as loud as I can, my voice carrying over the cliff and echoing down into the sea below. ‘Sam? Can you hear me?’
I say the same handful of words over and over, long pauses in between, but there’s no reply. Eventually, I carry on regardless. ‘Listen, Sam. I know you’re here somewhere. If you want to speak to me, you’re going to have to come out and show yourself. The phone’s dead. I don’t have a charger. Sam? I need to speak to you. I don’t know what’s going on; what he’s doing to me. I want to remember, but I need your help. Sam, please. I know you’re here. You have to be. How else did you know he was coming? You planted the phone too, right? You wanted me to find it. Sam? Sam?’
I’m out of breath. The cold’s not helping and I’m nervous too. I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakthrough, but now she’s not answering. Or maybe she’s not here at all and I got it wrong.
I wait a little longer, walking up and down in front of the house, partly to keep warm and partly to see if I can see something. But it’s just me and the elements, with the sea playing percussion in the background.
I decide to head back inside the house, but first I walk to the edge of the cliff. I peer over at the waves beating against the rocks far below; spitting their froth. My eyes are drawn to the bottom.
Down.
Down.
Down.
I imagine myself climbing over the pathetic fence, or kicking it away, and stepping out into oblivion.
Then I blink and wonder what the hell I’m doing. I take myself back to the house, trying to ignore the fact that my legs are shaking.
As soon as I’m inside, I head up the bare staircase and along the hollow shell of the landing. I know exactly where not to step these days, barely noticing what a dilapidated mess it looks; even the mildew smell has grown familiar.
I open the door to civilisation, entering the small corridor that houses my bedroom. But that’s not where I’m heading. I stop in front of the door that leads to Miles’s bedroom, but this time – bold in his absence – I don’t hesitate. I grab the door handle, turn it and … it’s locked.
Dammit. I look down and notice for the first time the keyhole under the handle. How have I not spotted that before?
I try the handle again to be sure it’s locked and not just stiff, but there’s no doubt. So what now? I’ve no idea how to pick a lock and not a clue where Miles might keep the key. If I had to guess, I’d say he has it with him, meaning I’m stuffed. I could kick it down, of course, but how would I explain that when he gets back? Especially if I don’t find anything.
I’m desperate to get inside. The fact that it’s locked adds to my conviction that there’s something he doesn’t want me to see. So how do I get a look without him knowing about it?
The answer comes to me all of a sudden and I race outside. Heart skipping, I dart around the house. The aluminium ladder is in the usual place. We used it the other day to check the guttering. My job was to steady the bottom. Miles didn’t think I was ready to climb a ladder again yet. Well, stuff that. How do I even know if the story of my accident is true? Maybe it was him who knocked me unconscious.
The ladder’s lightweight for its size, so I carry it to the front of the house without too much effort. Extending it alone proves trickier, especially as the odd gust of wind blows in, threatening to knock me off balance. But eventually I manage to get it high enough and in the right position to lean it against the wall by Miles’s bedroom window. I put my weight on the bottom rung and jiggle up and down a few times to sink the feet into the grass. That should keep it nice and steady, I think. Then I go ahead and start climbing, not leaving myself any opportunity for second thoughts.
I’m halfway up when I feel something vibrating against my leg. I stop, not sure what it is, until I hear the ringing noise too and remember the mobile phone.
Keeping my left hand gripped on a rung, I squeeze my right into the pocket of my jeans. Or at least I try to, but it’s numb from the cold and pulling out the phone takes forever. When I eventually manage, I see the screen is working again and Sam’s name is displayed on the caller ID. I try to press the green button to answer, but my stiff thumb slips and the mobile tumbles on to the grass below.
‘Bollocks,’ I cry out, climbing back down to retrieve it, only to find the battery has been knocked out in the fall.
As I’m fumbling to put the pieces back together, I hear what sounds like a car approaching in the distance. I freeze.
Surely it can’t be Miles back already, can it?
Who else would drive all this way up the dirt track?
How do I explain this?
Wait. Maybe there’s time to move the ladder before he arrives.
I stick the phone back in my pocket, place one hand on either side of the ladder and swing the top out towards me. That goes well. It’s standing vertical, but the feet are still wedged in the soft earth under the grass and I have to try to shake them free.
At that moment another gust of wind comes in from the sea and catches me unawares. The ladder slips out of my hands and back towards the house, the top crashing into the window of Miles’s bedroom and – to my horror – smashing the glass.
Then the mobile starts ringing again.
CHAPTER 30
Thursday, 27 April 2017
Dear Sam,
So that’s the Easter holidays done. It was Ruby’s first day back at school today. I thought I’d be glad to have some more time to myself, but as soon as I returned from dropping her off this morning, the place felt so empty. I wished she was still here with me.
It’s funny, Sam. I often wonder how I ever used to fit in working full-time. To an outsider it probably looks like I have nothing to do all day, but you’d be surprised how quickly the time passes. I drop Ruby off at school at about 8.45 a.m. and I have to be back to pick her up for 3 p.m. When you factor in the driving, that’s barely six hours I have to myself. Cleaning, shopping and household admin takes up a good chunk of that, believe me.
I am finding I have more spare moments than I used to now that I’m getting the OCD under control. It’s stolen so much time from me over the past couple of years. I remember staring at the freezer door for hours one day. I was convinced it wasn’t shutting properly and all the food inside was at risk of perishing. So I kept pressing it shut as hard as I could and then staring at the seal for a while before eventually pulling on it, with varying amounts of strength, to see how easily it would open again. God knows how many times I repeated that process. It was all down to the fact that I’d found a small patch of water on the floor, which was probably from a dropped ice cube. I only managed to tear myself away in the end because I had to pick Ruby up from school.
Anyway, there was a shock development on the Rick front today. I still hadn’t heard from him since he slept over. Not so much as a text. Okay, I hadn’t made any attempt to contact him either, but he was the one who’d been out of order. I’d been expecting him to offer some kind of apology for his behaviour that morning, but as the days passed, it became increasingly apparent that that wasn’t going to happen.
I knew it was likely I’d see him again this morning and I was still weighing up how to react as I drove Ruby to school. One part of me wanted to give him a piece of my mind in the form of a blazing row (once the girls were out of the way and, preferably, not in front of the Queen Bs or their minions). Another part of me preferred the idea of maintaining my dignity by playing it cool and making no reference at all to his behaviour or what had happened between us.
His white Mercedes – back
from the repair shop at last and looking pristine – was parked in the usual place. But when Ruby and I reached the school gates, it wasn’t him kissing Anna goodbye. It was a woman: a glamorous brunette, early thirties with big brown eyes.
Anna saw us and waved. ‘Hi, Ruby,’ she said with a grin. ‘This is my mummy.’
‘So you’re Ruby,’ her mother replied with a smile almost as perfect as Rick’s. ‘Anna’s been talking about you non-stop. I hear you two are great friends already. And how’s your arm? Still in plaster, I see.’
‘Yes,’ Ruby mumbled before whispering something to Anna that made them both giggle.
Anna’s mother turned her smile on me, holding out a hand in greeting. ‘And you must be Ruby’s mum. Mary, isn’t it?’
‘Maria,’ I replied, shaking her hand and noting the immaculate gel nails: fuchsia to match her lipstick. I also noticed that we were being watched by Horsey and WAG. You remember me telling you about them, right? The two Queen Bs who snubbed me in the early days. They were standing together further along the pavement, talking in hushed tones. No doubt they’d worked out what was going on here – or whatever version of the truth best suited their malicious tongues – and they were watching with glee. Something to gossip about later with the others.
‘I’m Lisa. Lovely to meet you.’
‘You too.’
As we waved goodbye to the girls, I couldn’t avoid an envious look at Lisa’s petite figure in a knee-length floral summer dress. In my head she’d been less attractive.
‘Anna looks to be settling in well. I’m so glad. It’s always a worry when you move house. It seems like a nice school. Has Ruby been here since reception?’
‘Yes,’ I said, wondering what Lisa was doing here and feeling the scrutiny of the Queen Bs’ eyes still upon us. ‘Is this your first visit?’
‘To the school? No, we all dropped in a couple of months ago, before we enrolled Anna. They gave us the guided tour.’
I’d actually been referring to the area, rather than the school specifically, but I didn’t say so. Her being here struck me as odd. Rick had never mentioned anything about a visit. And where was she staying? Surely not with them.
‘Where are you parked?’ she asked.
‘Next to you. You’re in Rick’s car, right? I see it’s back from being repaired.’
A flicker of a frown crossed her forehead, but then she was all smiles again. ‘Yes, of course. He was with you and Ruby when he had the bump, wasn’t he? Shall we walk together?’
‘Sure,’ I replied, only too glad to put some distance between us and the Queen Bs.
I wondered how much of the truth Rick had told Lisa about our relationship. She’d phoned him that time when Ruby and I were round at the house for a meal. But did she also know, for instance, that Rick and I had gone out for lunch, just the two of us? And the rest.
I decided he’d probably said as little as possible, especially since she was being so friendly.
‘I’m under orders to be extra careful on the roads,’ Lisa added, rolling her eyes. ‘You know what boys are like. I sometimes think Rick loves his car and his gadgets more than me. Is your other half the same?’
It struck me as an odd comment for an ex to make, but I brushed over it, saying something about all men being that way. ‘Lovely morning,’ I added, keen to avoid talking about my domestic situation.
‘Yes, beautiful.’
‘So how long are you here for?’
‘I’m heading back to Brighton tonight. Work tomorrow, unfortunately, but at least it’s only for a day. Then a nice long weekend, thanks to Bank Holiday Monday. It’s a nightmare doing the long-distance thing, especially with Anna. But hopefully it shouldn’t be for much longer. Rick’s been great about it, but I can tell it’s starting to wear him down. The sooner we’re all back living under one roof, the better.’
Yes, you read that right, Sam, although no one would blame you for questioning it, least of all me. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was flabbergasted and it took every ounce of composure in my body not to let on.
Thinking back, I’m not sure Rick ever specifically told me that he was separated from his wife, but he definitely guided me towards that belief. There was never any suggestion of them living apart temporarily because of her work. He tricked me into thinking he was single. I would never have got involved with him otherwise. I hope you believe that, Sam.
It makes sense now why he was always so keen to avoid talking about past relationships; why staying the night made him so awkward. I keep thinking I should have seen the signs – that I was a fool for not realising the truth – but what’s the point in dwelling on it? I’ve been had. There’s no escaping that fact. But, well, I can’t pretend I didn’t enjoy myself in the process. And now at least I can focus on what matters: fixing things with Dan, your father. Getting our family back on its feet.
That’s not how I felt at the time, of course. I was fuming. As I say, I did my best to internalise all of this, but it didn’t totally escape Lisa’s attention.
‘Everything all right?’ she said.
I think she’d asked me something before that, although I’ve no idea what. My mind was all over the place, trying to process what she’d revealed.
‘Um, sorry, yeah. I’ve not been feeling well,’ I fudged, placing a hand on my belly. ‘Bit of a stomach bug. It seems to come in waves.’
‘You do look pale. Can I help? Do you want to put an arm around me or—’
‘No, I think it’s passed now, but thank you.’
‘Don’t mention it. It’s nice to meet a friendly face at the school gates. Mums can be so bitchy when they get together, especially about people they don’t know. Honestly, they were awful at Anna’s old school. I can’t be doing with all that nonsense. How is it here?’
I wondered if she’d noticed our audience at the school gates. They were out of sight now, thankfully. ‘Um, there are mums like that here too.’
‘Shame. Oh well, at least I have you to point me in the right direction. Maybe we could go for a coffee once I move here permanently.’
I did my best to smile. ‘Sure.’
I know, I know. Not a good idea. But what was I meant to say, Sam? Lisa seemed so nice. I hadn’t wanted to like her, but I did nonetheless. In different circumstances I even think we might have been friends. I’m not stupid, though. I know it can’t happen. It’ll be hard enough trying to manage Ruby and Anna’s friendship.
‘It’s a lovely spot here, isn’t it?’ Lisa went on. ‘Close enough to the city for shopping, work and so on, but with a nice small town vibe. And so much countryside on the doorstep. My friends in Brighton are a bit snobbish about us moving north; they have no idea.’
I did lots of smiling and nodding, which was all I could manage in the circumstances. My mind was elsewhere.
I did consider telling Lisa everything as we finished our conversation at the cars. You could argue she has a right to know. But I decided not to get involved. I don’t want to be a home wrecker and I definitely don’t want for any of this to become public knowledge. Can you imagine the field day the Queen Bs would have with it?
I do plan to say something to Rick, but I haven’t decided what yet, as I need time to think about it. Doing nothing isn’t an option. He’d take that as a green light to go ahead and do the same again with someone else. I’ve met his type before. It’s a shame I didn’t identify him as such beforehand. I probably could have if I’d been looking hard enough, but he caught me off-guard – and he is bloody good-looking.
So that’s the end of me and Rick. If I’m honest with myself, I think it’s for the best.
Moving on, Grandma and Grandpa still seem to be doing well. I’ve not spoken to them again since my last letter, but we have exchanged a couple of texts and the rest of the trip is going according to plan. They fly back in a fortnight; I doubt I’ll hear from them again until they get home. Mum told me to stop fussing in her last message.
As for Dan, he
still hasn’t spoken a word to me since I admitted to sleeping with Rick. When he dropped Ruby home yesterday, he stayed in the car again, driving off as soon as I answered the door.
‘What’s up with you and Dad?’ Ruby asked.
‘What do you mean?’
‘He’s mad at you, isn’t he?’
‘Is that what he said?’
‘No, but he didn’t get out of the car to talk to you like he normally does. And he looked cross whenever I mentioned you.’
‘I see.’
‘I guess you had another argument. Was it about me?’
‘No, of course it wasn’t about you. Why would you think that?’
‘So you did have an argument, then. I knew it. Dad’s never going to move back home, is he?’
There were tears in Ruby’s eyes, which made me well up too. I bent forward to give her a hug, but she pulled back, refusing to meet my eye. Reaching into her bag, she took out an envelope and handed it to me. ‘Here.’
‘What’s this?’ I asked as she ran upstairs. ‘Wait, Ruby. Where are you going?’
‘To my room.’
Several thuds and a door slam later, I sat down in the lounge and stared at the envelope. My name was on the front in Dan’s handwriting. After staring at it for a moment, wondering what it might contain, I opened the damn thing. Inside was a note in black biro on a single folded sheet of A4.
Maria,
I’ll pick Ruby up at 7 p.m. on Friday and will drop her home at 6.30 p.m. the next day. Text me if there’s a problem.
Dan
Not exactly friendly, is it? I’d assumed we’d have to speak to each other to make these arrangements – hoping for a chance to say something more – but Dan had found a way to avoid such contact. Even his instruction to text him if there was a problem was calculated to avoid actual conversation. Mind you, what did I expect? Clearly Dan was going to need some time to get past my revelation about Rick.
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