The Goddess Workshop

by Margaret K Johnson

  ‘Well,’ said Janet, feeling a bit self-conscious now, ‘I sort of bunched my skirt up in one hand and shook the vicar’s hand with the other. Only I had my skirt in my right hand, so I had to shake his hand with my left, and it was all a bit awkward. He gave me a bit of a funny look, but I got away with it.’

  ‘Should have let them get an eyeful,’ Kate said, examining her fingernails. ‘Need a shake-up, that lot do.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Janet, surprised. ‘Do you know people at St Luke’s then?’

  ‘I don’t need to.’ Kate’s tone of voice was un-pleasant and Janet felt discouraged. ‘They’re all the same, church types.’

  Janet flushed. Hadn’t she just admitted to being a church type herself? Really, Kate was very rude.

  Beside her, Reenie was bristling on her behalf. ‘Just ignore her,’ she said with a scowl in Kate’s direction. ‘Tell us what it felt like being in church without any knickers on.’

  Reenie’s expression was back to normal and she looked genuinely interested now. Janet smiled. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘it felt rather wicked actually, I must admit. But wicked in a sort of good way, if you know what I mean.’

  ‘Wicked can be very good though, can’t it?’ Reenie said. ‘I’m sure Jade would agree with that.’

  Kate let out her breath in an obviously sarcastic way at that, and the sound was bait enough for Reenie to turn on her. ‘Look,’ she said, ‘just what exactly is your problem? Me and Janet are just having a friendly chat. We don’t need any of your smart alec remarks, thank you very much.’

  Kate spread her hands, all innocence. ‘I didn’t say anything.’

  ‘If you don’t want to be here,’ Reenie said, ‘why don’t you just piss off?’

  Estelle arrived at that precise moment, pausing in the doorway for a moment before walking briskly across the room. As her heels clacked against the wooden floor, Janet’s gaze went automatically to her shoes. They were burgundy leather, and obviously new.

  ‘I can see I timed my arrival just right,’ Estelle said, setting her briefcase down on the floor and unbuttoning her suit jacket.

  Overcome all over again with mortification, Janet didn’t look at her, and it was obvious that Kate and Reenie, wrapped up in their conflict, had scarcely registered that she had arrived at all.

  ‘Piss off yourself,’ Kate was saying to Reenie, but there wasn’t much venom in her voice. In fact, Janet thought she sounded singularly unmoved. However, the same could not be said for Reenie. By now she was red-faced and furious and spitting for a row.

  As soon as she’d arrived at the hall, Janet had been aware that the tension between Reenie and Kate was still very much present, and now it seemed as if this was just an excuse to get it out into the open. There seemed to be every chance that it was going to spoil the day’s workshop when it started.

  ‘Coming here, being unpleasant to everybody every chance you get!’ Reenie went on. ‘I say we ask Jade to kick you off the course. See how you like it, eh? You can always tell everybody you had to leave because of a bloody chip pan!’

  ‘Oh, please, ladies,’ Janet found the courage to say, ‘don’t be like this. Remember what Jade said last week about respect and support.’

  ‘Bugger respect,’ said Kate.

  ‘I wouldn’t support her if she’d got a broken leg!’ said Reenie.

  ‘Now look,’ said Estelle acerbically. ‘It’s not at all easy to free my diary up to allow me to attend these sessions, and I for one don’t–’

  ‘What do you want with an orgasm workshop anyway?’ said Reenie nastily to Kate. ‘Not as if you’ve even got a man, is it? Everybody knows that copper husband of yours dumped you.’

  ‘Yeah? And you’ve got the marriage from heaven have you?’ snapped Kate right back.

  ‘I have, actually,’ said Reenie. ‘Me and Ted have been happily married for nigh on forty years!’

  ‘So what are you doing here then, eh?’

  Janet couldn’t stand it any longer. ‘Oh, please! Stop it!’ she said, but she didn’t say it very loudly, and neither of them paid her any attention.

  ‘Your marriage can’t be that brilliant if you have to come to an orgasm workshop, can it?’ Kate was sniping nastily.

  ‘It’s beginning to feel more like a kindergarten than a workshop at the moment,’ Estelle said, but they didn’t listen to her either.

  ‘At least I’m not a dried-up old bitch like you,’ Reenie was saying. ‘At least I’m not the type of person who has to take out their disappointments on other people!’

  ‘Meaning your daughter, I suppose?’ Kate said.

  ‘Yes!’ Reenie shouted. ‘Meaning my Marcia! That course was just what she needed it was, and you have to come along and– ’

  ‘Want me to tell you what happened?’ Kate cut in. ‘Want to know what that precious daughter of yours did to get herself expelled?’

  ‘I know what she did,’ Reenie spat. ‘Nothing! I asked her about it last week. She said you just– ’

  ‘She poured hot chip fat over another student’s hand,’ Kate broke in, and suddenly it was very quiet in the room.

  Janet put her hands to her face, feeling shocked. ‘Goodness!’ she said.

  ‘That’s a lie!’ said Reenie, but she didn’t sound quite so confident now, and when Kate spoke again, her voice was quieter too.

  ‘He suffered third degree burns,’ she said. ‘His parents were all for reporting it to the police, but Stuart – the boy – wouldn’t let them.’

  This time it was Estelle who broke the silence. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘now we’ve got that sorted out, maybe we can concentrate on the real reason we’re all here. That is, if our so-called tutor ever deigns to show up.’

  Right on cue the door opened, and there was Jade herself.

  ‘Good morning, ladies,’ she said, arms spread wide in greeting. ‘How very good to see you all again!’

  Janet felt relieved to see her. ‘Hello, Jade,’ she said.

  ‘You’re late,’ said Estelle, looking at her watch.

  Janet saw that Jade was wearing trousers today, but they weren’t any old trousers. No, they were figure-hugging black satin with diamante sparkles up the sides, and they were teamed with a halter-neck silver Lurex top that showed off the curve of her breasts and the creamy skin of her arms and her back. Hardly an average Thursday morning in the church hall kind of an outfit, although for all the notice Kate and Reenie took of it, it might just as well have been sackcloth. They were still rumbling on in the background.

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ Reenie said miserably.

  ‘Believe what you want,’ Kate replied. ‘But it happens to be true.’

  ‘I was deliberately late today Estelle,’ Jade said, advancing into the room. ‘I wanted to give you the opportunity to bond as a group.’

  Estelle’s laugh was cutting. ‘Well, as you can see,’ she said, indicating Reenie and Kate, ‘your experiment has been a miserable failure.’

  Jade stood and looked at them all, hands resting on slim hips. Janet looked back at her fearfully. She was feeling rattled by the tension, as well as more than a little horrified by what she had heard. Reenie’s daughter had deliberately poured hot chip fat over a boy’s hand? How awful! Surely it couldn’t be true?

  ‘It does seem so, Estelle, I agree,’ Jade said. ‘However, at least we now know exactly what we have to deal with.’ Janet watched as Jade drew up a chair and sat down, her long-fingered hands clasped together in her lap, her legs crossed at the ankle. Then she calmly waited without speaking. When Estelle sighed with heavy criticism, Jade showed no sign of having heard. For Janet, the moments ticked by agonisingly slowly. Then, finally, Reenie looked up. And lastly, Kate. Only then did Jade smile. ‘Good,’ she said. ‘And once again, welcome to you all.’

  Janet let out her pent-up breath, relaxing. There was something so reassuring about Jade’s smile. Something that made Janet feel everything would be all right. That Jade would make it all right.

  ‘Yo
u are all so brave to come here,’ Jade told them. ‘I never underestimate the courage it takes for my students to attend each week.’

  Jade seemed impervious to the cynical twist of Estelle’s lipsticked mouth, Reenie’s flushed face and fidgety fingers or Kate’s blank, dismissive stare. She just kept right on smiling at them.

  ‘Now, by its nature, an orgasm workshop has to deal with very intimate material,’ she said. ‘In order to truly benefit from the sessions, you must each of you be prepared to share your very personal sexual experiences with each other. And I’d hazard a guess that, at this moment in time, none of you would be prepared to discuss such things openly with each other. Am I right?’

  ‘That’s the first thing you’ve said so far I’ve been able to agree with,’ said Estelle.

  ‘Thank you, Estelle,’ Jade smiled.

  ‘I, for one, am never going to speak about any of that stuff!’ said Kate.

  This was exactly what Janet had been thinking herself, although she wouldn’t have said it outright. But the thought of telling these…strangers what she and Ray did in bed was…impossible. Why, she and Ray didn’t even talk about it with each other! In fact, she had never talked about that kind of thing with anyone, ever.

  ‘What you choose to talk about and not to talk about is, of course, entirely a personal choice,’ Jade went on. ‘But my experience tells me that the level of your openness will correspond directly to the level of your achievement in these sessions. And…’ Here Jade’s smile got, if anything, bigger. ‘…Since in this case we’re talking about mind-blowing, life-changing pleasure when we talk about achievement, then I would like to suggest that this should be incentive enough for anyone to strive for success.’

  They all looked back at her blankly. It was hard for Janet to imagine such a thing as mind-blowing, life-changing pleasure. The phrases just failed so completely to connect up with what she currently experienced with Ray.

  Jade seemed to read her mind. She smiled. ‘However, I do realise that at the moment, all this might seem to be a slightly abstract concept to you,’ she said. ‘You’re here to learn another language – the language of your Inner Sex Goddess. And so far you’ve only learnt how to say ‘hello’ to her.’

  Kate made a little snorting sound; whether of disbelief or scorn, Janet wasn’t sure.

  ‘Yes, Kate?’ Jade said instantly. ‘Do you have a comment you want to make?’

  ‘I didn’t get any reply when I said hello to mine, so I tried asking if anybody was there. Still nothing.’

  Jade was unfazed. ‘It takes time to hear your Inner Sex Goddess,’ she said.

  ‘Well, what if she never shows?’ Kate asked. ‘What if you haven’t got one? Is there some kind of Inner Sex Goddess Adoption Agency you can go to?’

  ‘Each and every one of you has got an Inner Sex Goddess,’ Jade assured them.

  ‘Look,’ said Estelle impatiently. ‘This is all very interesting, I’m sure, but when are we going to get on with some real work? I’ve got a business to run. I can’t afford to waste my time debating the existence of some alleged Goddess.’

  ‘Our “real” work, as you put it, Estelle, can only begin to start when there is a stronger atmosphere of trust and support among us,’ Jade said. She stood up and moved her chair. ‘And as a means of encouraging that atmosphere to develop, I’d like us to spend half an hour carrying out some exercises.’

  ‘I didn’t come here for a yoga session,’ Kate grumbled under her breath, but Jade chose to ignore it and, a few minutes later, she had them all standing up and paired off – Janet with Reenie, and Estelle with Kate.

  Then she produced some scarves from her bag and gave one to Janet and the other to Kate. ‘Right,’ she said. ‘I’d like you to blindfold your partner please. Make sure she’s comfortable, but don’t leave any gaps for her to see through.’

  To Janet’s left, she could hear Estelle and Kate muttering to each other with disapproval about what they were being asked to do, but she didn’t pay much attention because she was trying to tie the blindfold around Reenie’s eyes, and the scarf was slippery and kept falling down. Also, Reenie was very quiet. Janet could tell she was still reeling from what Kate had told her about her daughter.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Janet whispered, but there was no time for Reenie to answer, because now Jade had moved on to the next stage of her instructions.

  ‘Now, Janet, Kate; I want you to lead your partner carefully around the room. You may go outside the building if you want to, but remember that your partner is totally dependent upon you, and also remember that it can be a bit frightening not to be able to see. Speak to your partner, tell her where you are, and warn her in plenty of time if you’re going to change direction. Remember, while you are her guide, you are totally responsible for her welfare. All right, begin!’

  Janet nervously took hold of Reenie’s arm. It felt warm beneath her touch. ‘OK, er…shall we walk towards the stage?’ she said, and Reenie shrugged.

  ‘So long as I don’t end up arse over tit, it’s all the same to me,’ she said.

  Over the other side of the room, Estelle and Kate appeared to be squabbling.

  ‘Now, ladies,’ Jade told them. ‘Remember this exercise is all about developing trust!’

  ‘Stuff trust! If she pairs me up with that cow,’ Reenie said malevolently, ‘I’ve a good mind to take her outside and lead her straight in front of a bus! She’s a bloody liar!’

  Janet doubted personally whether Kate’s story could be a complete lie. Surely such an outrageous tale had to have more than a grain of truth in it? But she didn’t say so.

  ‘We’re nearly at the stage now,’ she said instead, ‘so we need to start turning to the left.’ Guiding Reenie along as she was, it was impossible for Janet not to be aware of the tension in the other woman’s body. So she wasn’t too surprised, although she was distinctly dismayed, when Reenie’s voice began to wobble.

  ‘My Marcia would never do a thing like that,’ she said emotionally. ‘I know she wouldn’t. Deep down, she’s a good girl. I don’t care what anyone says.’

  ‘I’m sure there’s a perfectly simple explanation,’ Janet started to say, but Reenie cut in.

  ‘I’ve told you what the explanation is!’ she said. ‘That bitch is a bloody liar!’

  ‘Janet! Watch out for the piano!’

  Jade’s warning came only just in time. ‘Oh, gosh, yes!’ Janet said, giving Reenie a yank and almost toppling her over. ‘I’m so sorry, Reenie!’

  As Reenie directed what was obviously a filthy look in her direction from behind her blindfold, Janet was filled with a sense of total discouragement. The way things were going, the workshops seemed doomed to certain failure.

  Eight

  Being led blindfold around the room by the burly Kate was one of the most unpleasant experiences Estelle could remember.

  Apart from the fact that Kate was hustling her along far too quickly and with only the tersest of instructions – ‘left here,’ ‘right ahead,’ etc, – the woman’s clothes reeked of cigarette smoke and…curry. It was disgusting. But worst of all, a gathering feeling of a total loss of control was starting to make Estelle feel panicky. Her skin was hot and clammy, and she longed to take her jacket off. But it was taking every bit of her self-control just to keep from ripping the blindfold from her eyes, so she just gritted her teeth, succumbing for as long as she could.

  But then Kate trod on her foot.

  ‘Watch where you’re going, you clumsy idiot!’ Tension added more feeling than was strictly necessary to her voice.

  ‘Sorry, Your Ladyship,’ Kate said sarcastically.

  Something snapped in Estelle’s head. ‘Don’t take that tone with me!’ she said, and next minute Kate was enraging her still further by imitating her voice.

  ‘Don’t take that tone with me!’ she mimicked like a primary school child in the playground. ‘Who d’you think you are? Lady Muck?’

  ‘Well, at least I keep my clothes cl
ean!’ Estelle said, and then Kate let go of her arm and walked away, abandoning her. ‘Hello?’ Estelle said. ‘Where are you? Come back here!’

  ‘All right, everybody,’ Jade said just then, stepping in quickly to prevent total anarchy, ‘that’s enough of that for now. You may remove your blindfolds.’

  Estelle pulled at the scarf with relief, looking angrily around for Kate. She found her leaning against the stage, arms folded.

  ‘You were supposed to be looking after me!’ she accused, but Kate only shrugged.

  ‘All right, well done,’ said Jade, apparently oblivious to the non-success of the first exercise. ‘Now I’d like you all to form a queue opposite me, facing the wall.’

  God, this was pathetic. Unless they were forming a queue to collect a vibrator, then what the hell was the point? But somehow Estelle found herself standing in line behind Janet and Reenie, with an even more reluctant Kate behind her.

  Baa! Baa! Bloody baa!

  ‘Right,’ Jade said, and she was still smiling at them. Christ, the woman was going to have some deep laughter lines in a few years’ time. ‘Now I’d like you to take it in turns to close your eyes and run towards me,’ she said. ‘My job is to stop you before you reach the wall. Don’t worry, I won’t let you crash!’

  Oh, for God’s sake!

  ‘Come on then, Janet. Close your eyes. Good, now run towards me. That’s it! That’s it! Nearly there! Got you!’

  Estelle watched as Janet turned to rejoin the queue, a look of happy triumph on her face. Anyone would think the stupid woman had completed a marathon, not a few metres’ trot across a hall, she was looking so pleased with herself.

  ‘It’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be,’ she was telling Reenie.

  ‘Come on Reenie,’ Jade was saying. ‘Janet’s right. There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. You’re in safe hands.’

  Reenie’s nervousness was so palpable Estelle could practically smell her fear. But then she was off, waddling across the hall towards Jade in her flouncy dress with her eyes closed, all nervous giggles and bouncy flesh. Or rather, she started off towards Jade, but then she drifted off course a bit, heading straight for the wall. But Jade sidestepped smoothly and caught her.