The Goddess Workshop

by Margaret K Johnson

  ‘Haven’t run like that since I last got House at bingo,’ Reenie wisecracked with obvious relief, and then it was Estelle’s turn.

  And suddenly she felt nervous too. Well, more vulnerable really. Everybody was looking at her, which shouldn’t bother her, because she was used to chairing meetings and giving talks and having lots of people looking at her. But she was in control of all that. She called the shots. She decided what she was going to do and what she was going to say. This was different.

  But she only had to run in a straight line for a few metres, for goodness’ sake. How difficult could that be? And it probably wouldn’t even hurt very much if she missed Jade altogether and ran into the wall.

  ‘Come on, Estelle.’ Reenie’s encouragement made her feel even more self-conscious and tetchy. As if she needed Mrs Flouncy Flop’s encouragement to do something so ridiculously easy!

  ‘I won’t let you down, Estelle,’ Jade said.

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake!’ Estelle said out loud, and then she closed her eyes and launched herself forwards, a bit like a swimmer in a pool. Before she knew it, she was being clasped in Jade’s arms, with Jade whispering words of encouragement to her.

  ‘Well done, Estelle,’ she said warmly. ‘Very well done.’

  Pathetic.

  Firmly quashing the ridiculous sense of achievement that seemed to be trying to get itself expressed, Estelle folded her arms and watched Kate have her go. Kate looked as if she were even more cynical about the activity than Estelle was herself, if that were possible. Estelle wouldn’t have been too surprised if Kate had deliberately headed off in the wrong direction and then done something drastic like slamming herself against the wall. There was something very destructive and unpredictable about Kate. She was like a ticking bomb. And since the next thing Jade wanted them to do was each to take a turn at the wall to catch everybody else, this was not a very reassuring thought.

  ‘How do we know everybody’s going to take this seriously?’ Estelle asked, voicing her concerns aloud.

  ‘Yeah!’ said Reenie, glaring in Kate’s direction.

  ‘Just let go and trust,’ Jade told them. ‘Everything will be all right. OK, who wants to be first catcher? Janet?’

  ‘Oh!’ said Janet. ‘Me? Er…all right.’

  Janet stood, smiling nervously, her face pink and her arms already spread like the big mummy she was. As Estelle watched her, a chord of memory suddenly pinged inside her head.

  Primary school.

  Her friends had always been met by their happy, open-armed, smiling mothers, whereas Estelle had always been met by the nanny. Her mother had never, not once, come to school meet her. God, what the hell was she thinking about that now for?

  ‘When you’re ready, Reenie,’ Jade said, and Reenie went straight away, with much giggling from both her and Janet as she was enfolded in Janet’s arms.

  ‘Well caught, love!’ Reenie told Janet, and then all eyes were on Estelle again.

  She ought to walk out. Go back to the office. What the hell was she doing here running towards a wall with a bunch of losers? If anyone she knew ever got to hear about this, she’d be a total joke.

  But suddenly she was closing her eyes and, despite feeling foolish, it was easier this time, not quite so scary.

  ‘All right?’ Janet asked her shyly, and Estelle gave her a nod.

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  By the time it was Estelle’s turn to be catcher, Jade had started to talk to them while the women took turns to run towards her, her voice necessarily loud in order to be heard over the sound of running feet.

  ‘One of the keys to being orgasmic is finding the courage to let go, just as you’re doing now,’ she shouted. ‘Take that step into the dark. Surrender control of your body and your emotions to another person,’ she said, as Estelle caught first Janet – warm, apologetic and smelling of soap, and Reenie – bulky and dressed in those unpleasant artificial fibres – in her arms.

  ‘This doesn’t mean you can’t have some control over what’s happening; sex and lovemaking are very much give and take activities. But you have to truly want to give, and truly want to take.’

  Listening to Jade, Estelle knew she had never truly wanted to give to her lover, RT. Or to any of the other lovers she’d had. Sure, she’d acted as if she did; she’d massaged them and sucked them and kissed them and all the rest of it. But the truth was, it didn’t give her any real pleasure apart from the odd frisson of power, and she wasn’t really sure why she bothered.

  Realising just in time that Kate was thundering towards her like a hippo on heat, Estelle put her arms out to catch her.

  ‘You must allow yourself to tip over that edge into that velvet pit of pleasure!’ Jade urged them rather dangerously as Estelle and Kate swayed, struggling to keep upright.

  Kate was still clasped in Estelle’s arms like a lover when the door opened and a short, bald man in a brown work coat looked in.

  ‘Oh!’ he said as if he’d caught them doing something downright obscene. ‘I just came to check everything was all right and…and…you’ve got everything you need…’

  Over to one side, Reenie laughed. Janet joined her nervously. Estelle quickly pushed Kate away.

  The little man was looking at the Kama Sutra painting now, his eyes widening, whether with shock or arousal, it was difficult to say.

  Jade stepped briskly towards him. ‘Yes, thank you, Mr Black,’ she said, ‘everything’s fine. I’ll be sure to let you know if there’s anything we need.’ And with that she hustled the bewildered man out of the hall.

  When she came back, she was grinning broadly. Reenie, meanwhile, was in fits of laughter.

  ‘His face!’ she said.

  ‘Who was he?’ Janet asked.

  ‘The caretaker,’ Jade said.

  Even Kate had a smile on her face, albeit a small cynical little twist of her lips.

  ‘I think he got more than he bargained for,’ Estelle said, and instantly Jade’s smile beamed its light her way.

  ‘Yes, Estelle, I definitely think he did! Now, come on, let’s finish off here, and then we can have a cup of tea while I talk to you about your vaginas.’

  Estelle was to wonder afterwards whether that sentence alone had acted as more of an icebreaker or bonding tool than any of the trust games they had played. Certainly it seemed to defuse what remained of the tension in the room. There weren’t even any punch-ups or mentions of chip pans when Kate had to run into Reenie’s arms and vice versa. Just the odd scowl or ten.

  ‘Your vaginas are beautiful,’ Jade told them, her arms spread in that dramatic, embracing way she had. ‘As wondrous as the overlapping petals of fragrant roses or magical, exotic sea creatures.’

  Roses? Sea creatures?

  ‘That lobster or crab, Jade?’ Reenie quipped, and Jade smiled to acknowledge the quip before continuing.

  ‘I want each of you to become aware of the unique wonder of your vagina,’ she told them. ‘Familiarise yourselves with it. Be proud of it. Celebrate it.’

  Maybe it could become a tradition. Christmas Trees at Christmas. Easter Eggs at Easter. Shamrocks for St Patrick’s Day. Sea Creatures for Vagina Day?

  ‘You all right, love?’

  Looking up, Estelle realised to her surprise that Janet had begun to cry. Reenie had noticed and was trying to comfort her.

  ‘Oh, I am sorry,’ Janet said, scrabbling about fruitlessly in her handbag for a tissue.

  ‘Here,’ Reenie said, handing her one from her own bag.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Do you want to talk about it, Janet?’ Jade asked, and Estelle’s heart sank at the prospect of some emotional wallowing. Could the stupid woman really be crying about the prospect of her vagina looking like a sea creature?

  ‘Oh, it’s just…’ Janet snivelled, ‘…well, as I told you, my mother died a few weeks ago.’

  Reenie was instantly all gushing sympathy. ‘Poor, love,’ she said. ‘It is an awful time when you lose your mum.�
�� But if anything Janet looked even more upset at that.

  ‘No,’ she said, ‘you don’t understand. I don’t feel the way I know I ought to feel about it, you see. I’m not sad. Oh, I know that must sound very wicked, but you see we never really got on.’

  Ah.

  ‘And…well Mother certainly didn’t think a…vagina was an amazing creation of nature. The very opposite, I should say. She always said women were cursed.’

  ‘Then she was wrong, Janet,’ Jade told her strongly. ‘Because just like a fingerprint, no two vaginas are exactly alike. And if that isn’t amazing, then I don’t know what is!’

  Estelle had a date that night with her lover, RT. Normally their meetings were restricted to shagging, so it seemed very ironic to Estelle when he told her he’d booked a table at a well-known seafood restaurant on the coast.

  ‘What’s the joke?’ he asked, when she couldn’t help smiling at her plate of oysters.

  If he only knew…

  ‘Nothing,’ Estelle said, but in her head she could still hear Jade banging on about sea creatures and celebrating vaginas when she picked up an oyster shell, which then made it seem almost…perverted to eat it.

  ‘Well, there’s obviously something amusing you,’ RT said. His voice was sulky, and as she looked at him across the table, Estelle thought he sounded like a petulant schoolboy. Why did she still meet up with him?

  ‘Just something someone said to me. You wouldn’t think it was funny. You had to be there. How’s business?’

  The question proved to be an effective diversion. Off he rattled about the boring stationary company he worked for, leaving Estelle to her thoughts.

  They were sitting in one corner of the restaurant, and Estelle had the seat against the wall. Over RT’s shoulder, she had a good view of people at all the other tables. Too good a view. Mark Turner, her Sales Director, was sitting at a table on the other side of the room with a blonde woman.

  Bloody hellfire!

  ‘What is it now?’ RT asked, still in the same sulky voice.

  ‘A member of my staff,’ Estelle said. ‘No! Don’t look!’

  But it was too late. RT had already turned round to look, even moving his chair slightly to get a better view. ‘Where?’

  ‘For God’s sake,’ Estelle hissed. ‘I thought we were supposed to be being discreet?’

  ‘My wife won’t know anybody who comes here,’ RT said dismissively. ‘Who are you looking at?’

  But Estelle didn’t have to answer, because, at that moment, Mark Turner looked up and saw them, lifting a hand in greeting.

  Estelle responded grudgingly, watching Mark as he said something to his companion, causing her blonde head to turn in their direction too. Estelle took her irritation out on RT. ‘Can you please not stare?’

  ‘What’s the big problem?’ RT asked, at long last turning back round.

  ‘I prefer my private life to be private,’ she said irritably. ‘Not the subject for office tittle-tattle!’

  ‘Sure it’s just that?’ he said, tossing an empty oyster shell onto his plate. ‘Sure you don’t fancy him?’

  ‘Don’t be so stupid!’

  ‘Why not?’ RT asked. ‘He’s an attractive man.’

  Was he? Estelle looked over in Mark’s direction again. He smiled. Sod it! She hadn’t expected him still to be looking at her. Scowling, she looked away quickly.

  ‘You are in a really bad mood,’ RT said.

  He was right. She was in a bad mood. Now. But she really hadn’t been before.

  Against all the odds, the workshop this morning had been quite enjoyable, and in the afternoon, she’d had some good news about a big order from France. All in all, it had been quite a good day.

  ‘Coming here was a mistake,’ she told him, giving up on her oysters. ‘Maybe this whole thing is a mistake.’

  ‘Oh, don’t say that.’ RT was instantly contrite. ‘You know how much I think of you.’

  Did she bollocks. ‘I know you like to fuck me when there’s a frisson of danger,’ she said. Once they had even done it on the golf course in the middle of a round of golf.

  ‘I do,’ he agreed, looking at her mouth. ‘And I know you like it too.’

  Estelle became suddenly aware of something – a shoeless foot – pressing at her crotch. Automatically, she opened her legs.

  ‘So let’s cut the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff…’ she said vaguely, her voice trailing off as she concentrated on the sensations the foot was arousing.

  The foot made probing and rubbing progress beneath the table clothed table. Estelle forgot what she had been about to say.

  ‘No boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Right.’

  RT looked her smugly in the face as he increased the foot’s pace.

  ‘And…’ The foot rubbed harder, the big toe attempting to penetrate but getting thwarted by her knickers.

  It was quite arousing, in the middle of the crowded restaurant, and not for the first time, Estelle wished that the main course would match the hors d’oeuvre. But maybe this time it would?

  The waiter came to the table to clear away their plates. ‘Could you hold the main course for a moment please?’ Estelle asked him. ‘I need to go to the lavatory.’

  ‘Me too,’ said RT smiling. ‘Where is it?’

  ‘To the left of the bar,’ the waiter told him, and if his smile was knowing, neither of them noticed.

  ‘The Mile High Club without the mile,’ RT panted five minutes later, pounding Estelle’s head against the cubicle door as he pumped away energetically, once again completely failing to bring her to orgasm.

  Why not? thought Estelle miserably. You were excited enough back at the table. So what’s different now? What is wrong with you?

  Nine

  ‘It doesn’t matter who told me. I know, that’s all.’

  Reenie and Marcia were wedged into Marcia’s messy box room with its pop posters and scattering of cheap make-up on the dusty dressing table. Reenie rarely ventured into her daughter’s bedroom, usually making it a rule that Marcia cleaned it herself, which, in reality, meant it hardly ever got cleaned at all.

  But cleanliness was the last thing on Reenie’s mind today as she looked at her youngest daughter, who sat picking at her split ends at the other end of the bed. Reenie had put off this confrontation for as long as she could. Marcia had been out a lot, and Reenie had felt down all week. Somehow she just hadn’t managed to find sufficient strength for it. But now it just couldn’t be put off any longer.

  ‘Not that I can believe it. A daughter of mine… You could have been arrested. Whatever got into you?’ Reenie still hadn’t got over the humiliation of finding out about the chip pan incident from Kate, a woman she didn’t like. She’d so wanted not to believe it, but somehow she’d known it was true the moment she’d heard it. It wasn’t the sort of thing anyone would make-up. Not even a cow like Kate.

  ‘Come on, love,’ Reenie said, softer this time. ‘Tell me what happened. It must have been something pretty bad to make you act like that. It’s just not like you.’

  Bingo. Marcia stopped fiddling and burst into tears. ‘Oh, Mum…’

  ‘Oh, love, come here.’ Reenie took her into her arms and held her, much the same as she had done when Marcia had been a child. In many ways she still was a child, despite all the make-up and bluster. Marcia had always been the most vulnerable of her three girls, and it was small wonder this had got worse in the past three years.

  ‘Shhh. Shhh… Come on now, what did that boy do to you? Stuart was it?’

  Marcia nodded. ‘He said…he said Craig deserved to die… He said as I was his twin, I should have killed myself too as a…as a mark of respect…’

  Reenie gasped with shock, then closed her eyes against an all too familiar wave of pain, clutching Marcia even closer to her. Suffocatingly close. Distressed though she was, it was too much for Marcia. ‘Mum, you’re hurting me,’ she said, pulling away and wiping her nose on her sleeve.

  ‘Who is he?’ Reenie
said angrily, tears spilling down her cheeks. ‘I’ll do his other arm for him, little bastard!’

  Marcia fingered the bedspread. ‘He’s one of Louise’s cousins,’ she said.

  Louise. Helplessly, Reenie sighed. ‘Oh, love,’ she said.

  Louise Block had been Craig’s girlfriend. She’d died with Craig when the car they were joy riding in had careered off the road and smashed head-on into a wall.

  Pretty, popular Louise, with her umpteen brothers and sisters and cousins and aunts and uncles, let alone her parents and grandparents. Not so completely unlikely that one of them would end up in Marcia’s catering class. Not completely unlikely, but definitely completely unlucky.

  ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘I didn’t think,’ Marcia said. ‘He was going on and on at me. Calling me a murderer’s sister. The pan was just there, and I reached for it. It wasn’t really hot, Mum! Well, it was hot, but not as hot as it might have been. It had been on the side for a little while. But, Mum, he did scream. And…everyone else in the room was really quiet. There was just the sound of Stuart screaming and screaming. On and on…I thought it would never stop!’

  Reenie could detect shame as well as horror in her daughter’s voice now, and she reached out to squeeze her hand. ‘How come I’m only hearing about this now?’

  ‘I thought you’d go mental at me,’ Marcia said, and Reenie shook her head.

  ‘No, I mean how come this Stuart’s family didn’t raise merry hell?’

  Marcia shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I think Miss Mitchell had a word with him. And I was expelled, so I suppose he got what he wanted.’

  A wave of heat rose inside Reenie, a heat that had its source in unresolved grief and burning shame. All her children were hugely important to her, but Craig, her only son, had been the light of her life. Good-looking, clever, and popular with his mates, his teachers, everybody; Craig had possessed charm in abundance. With all of that and a loving family, there had been no reason for him to act like some deprived kid with an axe to grind.