The Goddess Workshop

by Margaret K Johnson

  * * * * *

  The scenario Jade had been describing was not unfamiliar to Estelle. She didn’t have a four-poster bed, but she did have a king size, and she always wore sexy lingerie. With her own lingerie company, it wouldn’t make sense to do anything else. Besides, she liked it.

  She had also masturbated for the delight of many different lovers. She enjoyed the performance of it; she even enjoyed, in a perverse kind of a way, the fact that not one of them had ever guessed that it had been a performance.

  And so it was very easy for her to imagine herself performing the actions Jade was describing. But it was a lot less easy to imagine the feelings side of it all. Impossible, if she were honest.

  Estelle knew she had a good body. She was an attractive, successful woman with enough guts to get it on in front of a man. But she did it all from behind a kind of force field, a force field she had erected at an early age in order to be able to cope with the constant rejections from her parents.

  ‘She is wondrous,’ Jade was saying.

  Estelle knew she was not wondrous. How could she be, when as a child she had been packed off out of the way to a series of nannies and boarding schools? She was the child of parents who obsessively adored each other, and they hadn’t wanted her around, cramping their style. And, as the years passed, and she had blossomed into a surly and dangerously attractive young woman with boys constantly trying to get hold of her on the phone, they hadn’t liked it at all.

  Was it any accident that her father’s work had suddenly taken her parents abroad with increasing frequency? Whatever, Estelle had chosen to stay with various school friends during the holidays. She had learned to be self-sufficient and to stand on her own two feet. She had also learned to keep her true feelings deeply hidden. It was safer that way. If you didn’t have feelings, you couldn’t be hurt. The other night with RT would probably have hurt if she’d had feelings, for instance. The rough way he’d torn into her without regard for her own arousal; using her body to get his own back on his wife, feel more of a man, whatever. RT didn’t want her to be a person, or not a real one anyway. He didn’t want her to belly dance for him, or tell him what to do or make any demands of him whatsoever. He came to her to escape.

  ‘This woman deserves the best loving in the world,’ Jade was saying. ‘And this is what you proceed to give to her, with your man watching every thrilling, electric movement of your hand.’

  What must it be like to really feel like that about yourself? Not only on the surface, but also deep inside of you, in your soul?

  ‘How was that for you all, ladies?’ Jade asked a few minutes later with a twinkling smile, and Estelle stirred herself from her gloomy thoughts to look round at the others. Kate was looking her usual cynical self, while Reenie appeared to be a bit down. Janet, on the other hand, was red-faced, looking somewhere between excited and embarrassed.

  ‘It was very…er unexpected,’ she told them all, avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Unexpected?’ Jade asked, her perfectly shaped eyebrows lifting quizzically.

  ‘Yes,’ Janet said. ‘You see, when I… looked up at the man tied to the bed, it… well, it wasn’t Ray!’

  Jade smiled kindly at her. ‘It was your fantasy, Janet,’ she said. ‘You’re allowed to fantasise about whoever you like. It isn’t being unfaithful if it’s only in your head.’

  Janet looked doubtful. ‘It felt as if I was being unfaithful,’ she said.

  ‘Who was it?’ Jade asked. ‘A movie star? A sports personality? They’re the ones women most commonly fantasise about.’

  Janet pulled an embarrassed face and shook her head. ‘No,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t either of those.’ She hesitated. ‘Actually, it was somebody I know.’

  Reenie seemed to perk up. ‘You dark horse you, Janet!’ she said.

  ‘Go on then, Janet,’ urged Estelle. ‘Tell us who it was!’

  Janet licked her lips, clearly very embarrassed. ‘It was a man I know from church,’ she told them at last. ‘John George. He supplies things to the shop, so I see him quite regularly.’

  ‘Tasty, is he?’ Reenie asked.

  ‘No!’ Janet said, scarlet-faced. ‘At least, yes, I suppose he is quite good-looking, but– ’

  Janet fancied the man, Estelle could tell. Good for her! She deserved a bit of fun.

  ‘Is he single?’ Kate was asking.

  Janet looked thoroughly uncomfortable. ‘Well, yes,’ she said, ‘he’s recently divorced, actually. But that’s beside the point.’

  ‘We’re only having you on,’ Reenie told her soothingly. ‘We all know you’re not the type to play around.’

  ‘More’s the pity,’ Estelle said, and Janet frowned at her.

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  Estelle hesitated. A few weeks ago she would probably have just come right out and told Janet that she thought her husband was a wanker who didn’t deserve her loyalty, but now, true though it might be, she didn’t want to hurt her new friend’s feelings.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘Don’t listen to me.’

  Reenie filled the slightly awkward silence that followed this. ‘Jade,’ she said, ‘you aren’t expecting us to do that for real for our homework, I hope?’

  Jade smiled. ‘No, Reenie,’ she said. ‘Though if you want to, that would be fantastic, of course.’

  Estelle smiled at the hasty way Reenie shook her head. ‘I’d love to, Jade,’ she said. ‘Only I’m a bit busy this weekend.’

  ‘I’m a bit busy forever,’ Kate said, and although everyone laughed, Jade gave them all one of her piercing looks.

  ‘You must never be too busy for the sensual side of yourselves,’ she told them. ‘When you’re in tune with your inner sex goddess you’ll feel confident, optimistic and warm-hearted.’

  As they left the hall at the end of the session, Estelle felt anything but confident, optimistic and warm-hearted. Another weekend stretched ahead of her – another two days to fill with work and chores in an effort to stave off loneliness. And although this had been the pattern of her life for just about as long as she could remember, suddenly – she had no idea why – she seemed to feel less equipped to deal with such solitude.

  She turned impulsively to Reenie who was bustling along behind her. ‘Are you really busy this weekend?’ she asked. ‘Or was that just an excuse to get out of the homework?’

  Reenie smiled. ‘I’m busy on Sunday,’ she said. ‘Got my family coming over. But that’s all. Ted’s got a darts match on Saturday night, so he’ll be busy with that.’

  ‘What about you two?’ Estelle asked Janet and Kate. ‘Are you free on Saturday night?’

  ‘Well,’ Kate said sarcastically, ‘I was going to ask Daniel Craig out on a date, but I’ll blow him out for you if you’ve got a better offer, Estelle.’

  Kate’s sarcasm would have irritated the hell out of her a few weeks back, but now Estelle smiled, recognising it for the defence mechanism that it was. ‘What about you Janet?’

  Janet shrugged, looking fed up. ‘Ray’s not talking to me,’ she said. ‘Remember?’

  ‘She’s free,’ Kate said.

  ‘What have you got in mind, Estelle?’ Reenie asked.

  Estelle smiled, already feeling some of that warm-heartedness Jade had been on about. ‘A lingerie party at my place,’ she said. ‘You bring the wine, I’ll supply the frillies.’

  Nineteen

  The night before the lingerie party, Janet attempted to make things up with Ray.

  Still feeling guilty about being ‘unfaithful’ to him in her fantasy, she was more motivated than previously to try to bridge the icy gulf between them in their double bed. She had never enjoyed sex with him, but neither did it repel her; it was just one of the things they did together as a couple.

  Now, without it, Janet was aware of how very few things they actually did do together as a couple. Certainly not shopping – Ray saw that as being very much Janet’s domain. Often they didn’t even eat together because Ray was working late
or out at some golfing social event. Janet had gone along to those years and years ago, but she had never felt as if she fitted in, and Ray hadn’t put up a fight when she asked if he minded going on his own in future. In fact, she suspected he’d been relieved.

  Lying in bed now with her back to him, Janet could tell he was still awake, and impulsively she turned to face him, reaching out a tentative hand to stroke his back. His body tensed beneath her hand.

  ‘Ray?’ she said cautiously, but he wriggled out of reach. ‘Ray,’ she tried again. ‘Don’t let’s be cross with each other.’

  ‘Janet,’ he said coldly, ‘I’m afraid you can’t just emasculate a man one week and expect him to be able to perform the next. That isn’t how it works.’

  Rejected, Janet moved her hand quickly away and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t want to cry; she just felt empty and helpless. And surely she should want to cry? She had been married to Ray for twenty years – almost half her life. They had a child together. And now sometimes she could hardly remember how or why they had got together in the first place. At least, she could remember the sequence of events and the accompanying feelings of that first meeting and their ensuing courtship, but it all felt like a story she had heard once, a story about somebody else’s life. Reality was this cold, bossy, egocentric man she didn’t understand and who didn’t understand her either. But why should he understand her? When she didn’t understand herself? She didn’t even know herself for heaven’s sake. Oh, she knew the bumbling, timid never quite up-to-scratch Janet that Ray and most other people on the planet thought she was, but she didn’t know the Janet who had, just lately, been trying to claw her way to the surface. The new Janet who had a friend like Estelle and who fantasised about masturbating in front of another man. Had this Janet been there all the time? Carefully shut away in some dark, unrecognised recess of herself?

  Goodness knows, life would be a lot easier if this new Janet had stayed shut away, leaving her as the placid, malleable woman she had always been; a woman without big hopes or expectations. But try as she might, Janet just couldn’t climb back into that box. It was too late for that. Her life was set on a new course, and she had a strong sense that she was hurtling towards some very big changes in her life. Although, at the moment, she wasn’t ready to dwell on what those changes or their consequences might be.

  Beside her, Ray began to snore, oblivious, and Janet turned on her side. A long while later, just as she was drifting off to sleep herself, a dream image filled her mind – an image that was accompanied by a swift surge of pleasure. Janet’s eyes flicked open as she tried to keep hold of the image. For a moment it eluded her consciousness, but then there it was in glorious Technicolor – a shop sign. ‘Janet’s Dreams.’ That was all, no shop, just the sign with her name on it. Janet’s Dreams…

  She had dreamed about her dream – a shop of her own. How wonderful.

  This time, when she dropped off to sleep, there was a smile of contentment on her face.

  * * * * *

  ‘What is this supposed to be?’ Next night, in Estelle’s apartment, Kate held up a scrap of black and red lace.

  ‘It’s a teddy, Kate,’ Estelle told her, pouring them all more wine.

  ‘Estelle, that wouldn’t fit my granddaughter, let alone me,’ Reenie said. ‘It’s tiny.’

  ‘Might fit your granddaughter’s teddy,’ Kate joked, tossing it back onto the heap of lingerie on the floor and having another sort through.

  ‘There are some larger sizes amongst that lot,’ Estelle told her. ‘Keep on looking. You’ll find something.’

  Kate wasn’t sure she wanted to. She wasn’t exactly a lingerie person, and even if she found something that fitted, it was a safe bet it would look ridiculous on her. In fact, Estelle was probably the only one it would look good on. And Janet of course, if she ever got the nerve to wear any of the stuff, which Kate doubted. And if she ever turned up to have a look in the first place, because so far there was no sign of her.

  Just at that moment the door buzzer went, and Estelle jumped up to answer it.

  ‘Hi, Janet,’ she said into the intercom. ‘Come on up. It’s Janet,’ she told them unnecessarily, crossing to the door to open it.

  Kate was impressed by Estelle’s apartment. It was the kind of place she would never live in herself, or, if she did, it would never look like this. It would get cluttered up in no time, and would end up becoming a much larger version of her bedsit. Well, almost.

  Kate’s bedsit had only ever been intended as a temporary arrangement; a bolt- hole while she got herself together after the split with Ian. Presumably the fact that she was still there a year later meant that she hadn’t got herself together yet.

  Well, she hadn’t, had she? Not if she had to go and get totally off her face just because she saw Ian snogging Jennifer in the street. Sometimes Kate was convinced that what she needed to do was move right away somewhere new, make a new start. But so far she just hadn’t got enough energy together to do it. And besides, she didn’t want to give Ian the satisfaction. He’d be fucking thrilled if she left. Which was a thoroughly excellent reason to stay put.

  ‘Hello everyone,’ Janet said, arriving in the apartment. ‘Sorry I’m late. I waited until Ray went out so he wouldn’t ask where I was going.’

  ‘What about doleful Debbie?’ Estelle asked, and although Janet put on a stern expression, Kate could tell she was amused. Good old Janet. She was sound, she was.

  ‘Now that’s not very nice, Estelle,’ Janet said, and Estelle smiled.

  ‘Ah,’ she said, ‘but I’m not a very nice person. Haven’t you realised that yet?’

  Kate hadn’t liked Estelle at all at first. She’d thought she was really up herself with her pristine bloody business suits and her superior attitude. But just lately she’d mellowed a lot. Maybe they all had.

  ‘Debbie’s actually gone out tonight, I’m happy to say,’ Janet said, accepting a glass of wine from Estelle and joining Kate and Reenie on the carpet. ‘I don’t know where, but anywhere’s better than lounging about watching TV in her dressing gown the way she has been doing.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ Kate thought, bringing to mind countless evenings spent in exactly that fashion.

  ‘Anyway,’ Janet said brightly, ‘has anyone found anything suitable for me to try on?’

  Janet was looking good tonight. She hadn’t overdone it; her jeans and T-shirt were casual but not scruffy, and she had obviously taken some time over her make-up. Kate wasn’t wearing any make-up herself. She had thought about her clothes though, if only because she knew everybody else would and Estelle had a rather exclusive address. But in Kate’s opinion, if you were a bit on the big side, it didn’t really matter what you wore anyway. And Kate was a bit on the big side. In fact, she had been quite shocked to discover that half the clothes she’d dug out from the back of the wardrobe hadn’t fitted her properly anymore. Maybe she ought to add dieting to her list of things she ought to do.

  And suddenly, she had no idea why, she thought of Geoff. Big, jovial Geoff the baker. It might be a cliché, and yet somehow it was impossible to imagine him any other way. A big man with a big laugh and big appetites. Or at least, she assumed his appetite for sex was as big as his appetite for food; he was a man, after all.

  ‘More wine, Kate?’

  ‘Yes please.’ Kate downed her refreshed glass almost in one. What was she doing, for God’s sake, thinking about Geoff’s appetite for sex?

  ‘Come on then,’ Estelle was urging them. ‘Make your choices. Then you can try them on.’

  ‘Best give me a drop more wine too then, Estelle,’ Reenie said, holding out her glass, and Kate held her glass out too.

  ‘Me too, please, Estelle,’ she said.

  * * * * *

  ‘This is fun, Estelle, this is,’ Reenie said.

  Dressed in a basque top made of some sort of black netting with touches of red ribbon decoration, Reenie was sprawled comfortably back against a
floor cushion watching as Janet paraded unsteadily around the room in an ivory silk teddy. Janet’s cheeks were flushed from the wine, and Reenie knew it was the only reason she had the nerve to totter about in a pair of high heels borrowed from Estelle, showing off her figure, which was, incidentally, fantastic.

  Not that Janet seemed aware of it. The poor cow had been dead shy about trying on the underwear at first, retreating to the bathroom and keeping her jeans on. Now look at her! Turns out she was self-conscious about showing her stretch marks and operation scars, or so she’d confessed to them all when everyone else had started to get really stuck into the modelling.

  ‘Operation scars?’ Kate had said unsympathetically. ‘With a fantastic figure like you’ve got?’

  ‘She’s right, Janet,’ Estelle said. ‘If there were any men here, I can assure you they wouldn’t be looking at your scars.’

  It was true. They’d be looking at her breasts, Reenie knew it. Worthy of a Page Three girl they were, for all that Janet was knocking forty-five. Looked a treat with that plunging ivory neckline they did.

  ‘It’s nice of you to say so,’ Janet said politely, ‘but I can’t help feeling the way I do. My scars repulse me.’

  ‘Well they shouldn’t,’ Reenie had told her firmly. ‘They’re proof you’re a woman.’

  Janet pulled a face. ‘Half a woman, you mean,’ she said. ‘Since one of the scars is from my hysterectomy.’

  ‘Don’t talk to me about being half a woman,’ Reenie said. ‘I was done and dusted with the menopause by the time I was forty-one.’

  That had impressed them.

  ‘Isn’t that a bit early?’ Estelle asked.

  ‘Runs in my family,’ Reenie said. ‘My mum was the same. And her mum. Good job I got started early with the babies.’

  Reenie looked at Estelle and Kate. It seemed to her they were looking a bit thoughtful. ‘But you don’t have to worry,’ she told them. ‘It’s very rare for women to finish that young.’