The Goddess Workshop

by Margaret K Johnson

  Estelle shrugged. ‘I don’t intend having children anyway,’ she said.

  Reenie was shocked and showed it. ‘Oh, Estelle, why ever not?’ she asked.

  ‘Because it’s hard enough living my own life,’ she said. ‘Besides, do I seem the maternal type to you?’

  Reenie shrugged. ‘Well maybe not, on the surface, but that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Us going to Jade’s classes? Finding out what we’re capable of?’

  ‘Fulfilling our potential,’ Janet said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Reenie agreed. ‘That an’ all.’

  ‘Achieving an orgasm is hardly the same as giving birth, Reenie,’ Estelle told her with just a touch of warning frost in her voice.

  Reenie surged right on, ignoring it. ‘Don’t know whether Jade would agree with you there, Estelle,’ she said. ‘When you have a child, it’s like you’re stripped completely bare. There you are, legs spread, some doctor shining a light up you and what feels like your insides being pulled out. Nowhere to hide then, is there? You just got to act on your instincts. Same kind of thing when you have an orgasm, I shouldn’t wonder. Least, that’s how Jade makes it sound.’

  Estelle looked as if she’d like to argue, but drank some of her wine instead. Reenie wondered why. Perhaps she’d hit on a nerve or two.

  ‘D’you think Jade’s got a family?’ Janet asked, and they all looked at her.

  ‘She hasn’t said, has she?’ Reenie said.

  ‘It’s amazing how little we do know about her,’ Kate observed, and Reenie had to admit this was true.

  ‘We know nothing about her,’ Estelle said. ‘She could be a complete fraud for all we know.’

  ‘Oh, but she isn’t, is she?’ Janet said with that anxious frown she had sometimes. ‘I’m sure we’d know if she was. She seems completely genuine to me.’

  ‘She certainly seems to believe what she says, I’ll give her that,’ Kate said. ‘As to whether it’s a complete load of bollocks, that’s a different matter entirely.’

  ‘I think she’s all right,’ Reenie said. ‘A bit weird, but I don’t mind that. I for one, am prepared to give her advice a try.’

  ‘So why are you here instead of at home strutting your stuff in front of your fella?’ Kate asked.

  ‘Because I want to have a go on my own first, Kate,’ Reenie said with as much dignity as possible, bearing in mind the subject matter. ‘If I can find the chance to have a bit of time on my own. Never know when somebody’s going to drop in at our place, you don’t. Still, at least our Marcia’s a bit more cheerful these days, thanks to you.’

  ‘I wish I could say the same for Debbie,’ Janet said worriedly. ‘Oh, she’s gone out tonight, I know, but I don’t think her heart was really in it.’

  ‘She’ll be all right,’ Estelle said. ‘Forget about her for a while. Have some more wine and enjoy yourself.’

  Which was precisely what Janet did. And, a few more glasses of wine later, she had found the confidence to take her jeans off, thereby revealing the stunning full effect of the ivory silk teddy.

  ‘Your Ray would soon start speaking to you again if you wore that for him, surely, Janet?’ Reenie said, but soon wished she hadn’t, because the mention of her husband’s name wiped the smile off Janet’s face.

  ‘I wouldn’t like to count on it, Reenie,’ she said.

  ‘Well he bloody well should do.’ Kate, as she so often did, said what the rest of them were thinking but were too polite to say.

  ‘You look fantastic, Janet,’ Estelle told her.

  ‘Yeah,’ Kate agreed. ‘And I bet that bloke in your fantasy would agree.’

  Janet coloured up so brightly at that they all laughed. Even Janet herself.

  ‘I quite shocked myself,’ she said. ‘I shan’t know how to look him in the face the next time he comes into the shop.’

  Reenie thought about her own fantasy again. Ted had been there in hers all right, but only in body, not in mind. Did that count? Reenie wasn’t sure that it did. Not that she’d tried it out on him for real yet of course. Maybe she should. And maybe, if she did, it wouldn’t be the same as she’d imagined it at all. After all, she loved Ted. Adored the stupid idiot. So just why exactly they had never quite managed to get it right in bed was a complete mystery to her, it really was.

  Estelle put some music on, and suddenly it was a party. Reenie resolutely put all morbid thoughts about her sex life with Ted to the back of her mind and got up to have a bit of a bop. Reenie had always loved dancing, and she could never resist shaking it about a bit, even though she was now pushing sixty.

  ‘Come on girls!’ she encouraged the others.

  Janet and Estelle got to their feet. Janet was a bit all over the place – you could tell she didn’t get much practice at it – but Estelle was really quite a good dancer in a tight, controlled sort of a way.

  ‘Come and join in!’ Reenie tried to persuade Kate, but Kate wasn’t having any of it.

  ‘No way!’ she said, smiling. ‘Do you realise how bloody kinky you lot look prancing about together in your undies?’

  ‘It’s a good job no one can see us,’ Janet said.

  ‘Haven’t got any hidden cameras, have you, Estelle?’ Reenie asked.

  ‘Not this time,’ Estelle smiled.

  ‘Shame,’ said Kate. ‘I could earn a fortune in blackmail money once you lot have sobered up.’

  Reenie laughed. ‘You just bloody try it!’ she said.

  By the end of the evening, they were all very drunk, and Reenie was glad she’d arranged for Ted to come and pick her up. It was going to be worth his while anyway because she had bought the black and red basque top and a pair of matching knickers from Estelle.

  ‘We should have another get together, soon,’ she said, as they got ready to leave. ‘What about a big day out? Weekend after next? A bit of a drive up the coast and a spot of lunch? That’d be a real treat, that would.’

  ‘Good idea, Reenie,’ said Janet, who was looking a bit unsteady on her feet. She and Ted were dropping Janet off, and by the looks of her, it was just as well.

  ‘We can go in Estelle’s car and have the roof down,’ Janet went on. ‘We can all wear headscarves and sunglasses and be terribly glamorous!’

  ‘The sunglasses I can do,’ Kate said, ‘but the headscarf is a definite no-no. I’ll look like Princess Anne!’

  Reenie laughed. It had been a great evening, and she was sad when it came to an end. But Estelle had one more surprise for them. ‘Here,’ she said, giving them all a bag. ‘A party bag for you all.’

  Reenie opened hers and took a look. Then she put her hand inside and pulled out a wisp of silky fabric. The others were doing the same.

  ‘Estelle,’ Kate said, examining the flimsy red knickers she was holding. ‘These appear to be damaged.’

  Reenie examined the crotch of her own pair of knickers. There was a slash running the whole length of it. A neatly sewn gash. ‘Oh my gawd!’ she said. ‘It’s deliberate!’

  Estelle was grinning. ‘Of course!’ she said. ‘The ultimate in seductive briefs. It’s one of our most popular lines.’

  ‘I’m sure Jade would approve,’ said Janet.

  ‘I’m sure my Ted would approve!’ said Reenie, though secretly, she wasn’t sure she was going to show them to him just yet.

  Twenty

  Next morning, as Janet staggered past Ray en route to the toilet, the giveaway lurch of her body and the hand she had clutched over her mouth were finally enough stir him into speech.

  ‘What the hell’s wrong with you?’ he growled, but Janet didn’t stop to answer. She couldn’t.

  Five minutes later she crawled back to bed, her forehead cold and clammy, her mouth tasting disgusting.

  Ray was dressing in his golf clothes. ‘Where the hell did you get to last night?’ he snapped, his angry voice kept mercifully quiet because Debbie was in the next bedroom.

  ‘Out with friends,’ Janet said weakly, keeping her eyes closed. ‘Must have had one too m
any…’

  ‘One too many? One? It smells like a bloody vine-yard in here!’

  Desperately wanting to block him out by burying her head under the duvet, Janet nevertheless kept completely still, not daring to move in case she inspired a fresh wave of nausea.

  ‘Who are these friends? You’re not telling me Gwen’s in this state too, because I don’t believe it!’

  If she hadn’t been dying, Janet would have laughed out loud at that; the thought of Gwen at last night’s do was so ludicrous. Gwen in her bra and knickers in high heels and a feather boa! Hell would freeze over first.

  Despite her fragile condition, her amusement must have shown itself in some minuscule facial flicker, because Ray was down on her like a ton of bricks.

  ‘It is not fucking funny, Janet!’ he shouted, forgetting all about keeping quiet for Debbie’s benefit. ‘I do not expect my wife to be out getting pissed up on a Saturday night like some common slapper!’

  Janet licked her lips and attempted to open her eyes, her voice coming out as hoarse as if she’d been singing karaoke all night. ‘It was only one night, Ray.’

  ‘And it had better stay that way!’ he said, snatching a diamond-patterned zip-up top from the chest of drawers. ‘Because next time I won’t be so understanding!’ And with that he stormed from the room, his feet like hammer blows on the stairs, the front door slamming closed behind him.

  Janet felt too ill to worry about Ray’s temper just then. She was just incredibly grateful that he was gone, and sank instantly into a much-needed healing sleep.

  ‘Mum?’ A few seconds or a few hours later – Janet was incapable of detecting which – Debbie woke her. ‘What is wrong with you and Dad?’

  Maybe if Janet hadn’t felt so ill she would have been able to detect the genuine concern in her daughter’s voice. But as it was, the room swam crazily from having opened her eyes too quickly, and she was forced to push the duvet back and attempt to struggle to her feet.

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Get out of my way!’ Janet shouted, but too late. As she vomited into Ray’s discarded slippers, Janet was only dimly aware of her daughter’s horror.

  ‘Mum!’

  * * * * *

  Across town, Estelle wasn’t faring much better. OK, so her hangover was limited to a throbbing headache that had kept her blinds securely drawn against the sunny day outside, but it was bad enough.

  Still, it had been worth it. Last night had been a lot of fun. When her mobile began to ring she picked it up to see who was calling. RT. No doubt he was at the golf club. Come to think of it, she did vaguely remember arranging to meet him down there. Well, he could forget it. She was going back to bed with a glass of orange juice. Sex was the very last thing on her mind.

  * * * * *

  Things were unusually quiet in Reenie’s house for a Sunday morning. Marcia was still asleep of course – nothing unusual about that – but it was almost unheard of for both of her other daughters to be busy all day and not be coming round for Sunday lunch. However, it did mean that Reenie and Ted had some time to themselves. If she could persuade him not to go down to the allotment.

  As they sat up in bed together drinking their tea, Reenie could already sense her husband’s attention turning towards his purple sprouting – the broccoli sort – and a very different type of purple sprouting to the one she wanted to discuss.

  ‘I reckon the girls will be a bit hung-over this morning the way they were knocking them back last night,’ she said brightly to make conversation.

  Ted blinked and smiled at her. ‘You always could hold your drink, love.’

  ‘Don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing,’ Reenie told him, but he just nodded, and she could tell he was floating back to his veggies.

  ‘They’re great girls,’ she said and reached out to pat his hand. ‘Best thing you did, persuading me to join those classes.’

  He looked at her then. Really looked. ‘Having an effect then, is it? Apart from you making a few friends?’

  Ted’s eyes were what had first drawn Reenie to him all those years ago. They were a striking shade of pale blue, and these days they stood out in contrast to his white hair, whereas once they had stood out in contrast to his black hair. When they’d first met, when Reenie had been seventeen, she’d sometimes had trouble holding Ted’s gaze for very long because he had such beautiful eyes. She didn’t have that problem now, of course, except on the rare occasions she was trying to hide something from him.

  ‘Eh, Reen?’ he prompted her. ‘Is it making a difference?’

  ‘I don’t know, love,’ she said evasively. ‘What do you think?’

  Ted turned to put his mug of tea down on the bedside table. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘if you don’t know, I’m sure I don’t.’

  Reenie was uncharacteristically silent. Ted began to caress her shoulder beneath her nightdress. ‘Why don’t you show me a thing or two of what you’ve been learning?’ he said.

  ‘All right.’

  Reenie thought about it. What had they learnt exactly? She had a feeling Ted would just collapse laughing if she started going on about – what was it? Recapturing the essence of Aphrodite with her own inner sex goddess. ‘Well,’ she said at last, ‘we’ve talked about the different, you know, erogenous zones and that, but mainly it’s been about thinking so far,’ she said.

  ‘Thinking?’ he asked.

  Reenie traced the pattern of the duvet with her finger. ‘Yes, you know; thinking yourself sexy.’

  ‘You mean like a pool player might think about himself winning before he starts a frame?’ Ted asked. ‘Or a darts player might see the arrow landing in the double twenty?’

  Reenie nodded. Typical of a man to have to think about sport to make sense of anything. ‘Something like that.’

  ‘I see.’ There was a suspicious pause after that, and, flashing a quick glance in her husband’s direction, Reenie was just in time to see him hiding a smirk. Irritated, she pretended she hadn’t noticed.

  ‘Last lesson we had to do this whatya-ma-call-it,’ she told him. ‘A visualisation thing.’

  ‘Seems to have increased your vocabulary anyway, this class,’ he observed dryly. ‘That a posh word for seeing the dart go in the double twenty?’

  ‘Sort of,’ Reenie said, refusing to respond to his amusement. ‘Only a lot more complicated, with a four poster and… rope and stuff.’

  Ted’s jaw dropped. ‘Rope?’

  ‘Yes. You were tied up to the headboard while I…’ She broke off, embarrassed.

  ‘While you what?’

  ‘Saw to myself.’

  ‘You saucy beggar!’

  He was openly laughing now, and Reenie glared at him. ‘That’s what you did in the visual thingie too,’ she told him.

  Ted’s blue eyes opened innocently. ‘What?’

  ‘Laughed. It really messed it up.’

  ‘Sorry, Reen,’ he said, and something about his tone of voice almost made her see the funny side of it.

  ‘Not your fault what you do inside my head, I suppose,’ she told him grudgingly.

  Ted kissed her, giving her a quick squeeze. ‘Go on, show me what it was like,’ he said. ‘Before I messed it up laughing.’

  Reenie looked at him doubtfully. ‘Sure?’

  ‘Positive,’ he said. ‘Go on.’

  So, taking him at his word, Reenie tied him to the headboard with scarves, popped on the lingerie she had bought the previous night and began to caress her breasts through it, exactly as she had done in her fantasy. Except that it felt weird rather than sexy because she felt so self-conscious and, although she was careful to avoid looking at Ted, Reenie just knew he was really having to concentrate to keep himself from laughing. Not at her, but just at the whole ridiculousness of the situation.

  So there was no way on earth then that she was going to move on from caressing her breasts to caress her you know what; it simply wasn’t possible. In the end she sighed and gave up.

  Ted, his arms
still tied to the headboard, watched her. ‘What’s up, love?’ he asked kindly. Too bloody kindly.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said irritably. ‘I just can’t do it, that’s all.’

  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘it doesn’t matter, does it? Untie me and I’ll give you a cuddle.’

  Some unreasonable part of Reenie didn’t want to co-operate. It wasn’t Ted’s fault she felt like a stupid prat, but somehow she wanted to blame him anyway; leave him there, tied up and helpless, while she got dressed and made a start at lunch.

  ‘Come on, love,’ he asked patiently, and at last Reenie swallowed her irritation and started to untie the scarves.

  ‘Might as well get dressed, I suppose,’ she said when he was free, but Ted made a grab for her.

  ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Not so fast.’ And he pulled her back to him to kiss her thoroughly, one hand stroking her body through the black net of her lingerie just where she had been stroking herself. ‘Your mate sells some very sexy underwear,’ he whispered into her ear, and finally Reenie relaxed, kissing him back as she reached out to unbutton his pyjamas.

  * * * * *

  Like Reenie, Kate didn’t have a hangover that morning. She had drunk a fair amount, it was true, but these days her body was used to dealing with copious amounts of alcohol. Her head was still throbbing though, but this was more due to the disturbed night’s sleep she’d had.

  Kate had been dreaming all night long – a series of short, frustrating dreams, and every single one of them about Geoff. After each one she had woken up, feeling disorientated, the bedclothes drenched with sweat. And as soon as she went back to sleep, a new dream started up straight away. It was weird. Whatever had happened to make her start to think of Geoff like that? Where had it come from?

  In one of the most vivid dreams, Geoff had been standing with his back to her in his baking whites, engrossed in rolling up a giant Swiss roll. As she hovered, not wanting to disturb him in the middle of such a delicate procedure, he turned and beckoned to her. Then, as she moved closer, he picked up the finished Swiss roll and held it out to her – all three feet of it. That was all; she’d woken up at that point.