The Goddess Workshop

by Margaret K Johnson

  There was a pause as everyone absorbed this. A lorry went past outside, causing the windows to vibrate. When Estelle spoke, her voice was deeply sarcastic. ‘Go on then,’ she challenged Jade, ‘tell me what my personal demons are.’

  Jade looked her full in the face. ‘Your fear of commitment, Estelle,’ she said. ‘Whatever it is that drives you to settle for affairs rather than relationships.’

  Jade’s gaze moved on to Kate. ‘And you need to dismantle that force field of yours, Kate. Be open to the possibility of meeting somebody new.’

  Kate sneered and folded her arms defensively across her chest, but neither gesture quite hid the despair that seemed to ooze from her.

  Jade’s gaze moved on to Reenie, and softened. ‘And I think you know what I’m going to say to you, Reenie,’ she said kindly. ‘Before you can fully devote yourself to your sexual awakening, you and your husband need to finish grieving for your son.’

  The seconds passed. Even though Janet didn’t look up, she knew that Jade was now looking in her direction. And not only Jade, but everybody else, with the exception perhaps of Reenie, who was probably still reeling after Jade’s last pronouncement. The blood rushed in Janet’s ears. Out of nowhere she remembered the precise sound of Ray’s grunt as he had entered her unwilling body on Sunday night.

  ‘And as for you, Janet,’ she heard Jade say with infinite gentleness. ‘You have to stand up to people and stop doing things you don’t want to do.’

  * * * * *

  The argument continued on the Big Day Out, when it came round. Janet had almost decided not to go. She was still feeling low, and she didn’t relish the thought of more squabbling. Also, after Jade’s declaration to Janet that she had to stop doing things she didn’t want to do, she was feeling even less sure of her own mind. Did she really even want to go out for the day with the girls? Or was she just going along with it to avoid upsetting people?

  The atmosphere in the car was fractious. Estelle was driving, with Reenie in the front passenger seat and Janet and Kate squeezed in the back. The sun roof was down to make the most of the sunshine, but even with the clean fresh country air swirling around them, there was a pervading atmosphere of claustrophobia in the car; an atmosphere that was a lot more to do with everybody’s moods than a lack of space.

  ‘I say we seriously consider stopping going to the classes.’ With her sunglasses and headscarf, Estelle might have looked straight out of a Grace Kelly movie if it hadn’t been for her grim expression. Janet glanced at the back of her friend’s head with dismay. The thought of not having the lifeline of her weekly meetings to look forward to was too much to bear.

  Reenie seemed to agree with her. ‘Oh no, Estelle,’ she said. ‘We can’t do that!’

  ‘Why not?’ Estelle said. ‘It’s not as if they’re having the desired effect anyway.’

  ‘Waste of flippin’ time,’ Kate agreed grumpily.

  Encouraged, Estelle swept on. ‘And if it isn’t bad enough that none of us has had an orgasm yet, now we have to be subjected to Madame Jade’s attempts at amateur psychology! It simply isn’t good enough! What right has she to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do in my love life?’

  ‘She only meant you’re more likely to have orgasms in a committed relationship, Estelle,’ Reenie said bravely. ‘Makes sense to me.’

  ‘Well it doesn’t to me!’ Estelle said irritably. ‘Plenty of people only have casual sex and still manage to have a rip-roaring time. This isn’t the Dark Ages. Besides, what about what she said to you? A load of complete illogical rubbish!’

  ‘Oh, yes?’ Janet could detect a seam of vulnerability in Reenie’s defensive reply. ‘Why’s that?’

  ‘Because you weren’t having orgasms before your son’s death either, were you?’

  ‘But I wasn’t trying to do anything about it then, was I?’ Reenie snapped. ‘Maybe I should have done, eh? Maybe that little bit of extra contentment at home would have made all the difference! Made my Craig stay home more, instead of gallivanting about with fast-driving yobbos.’ Reenie was clearly upset now, but Estelle didn’t seem to have noticed.

  ‘I wasn’t saying that, Reenie,’ she said. ‘Don’t be so stupid.’

  ‘Don’t you call me stupid, you smug cow!’ Reenie shouted.

  ‘Fucking great day out this is turning out to be,’ Kate said with a scowl.

  Too late, Estelle tried to make amends. ‘Look, Reenie, I’m sorry if this is upsetting for you, but all I’m saying is that I think you should– ’

  But Reenie had had enough. ‘I’m not interested in what you think I should or shouldn’t do, Estelle Morgan,’ she shouted. ‘In fact, I’m sick and tired of being bossed about by the likes of you. And maybe you’re right; maybe we should stop going to the workshops. Who needs orgasms anyway? Hardly important in the big scheme of things are they? Not a matter of life or death!’

  The car was just driving past a sign to the Holkham Bay car park. Janet, whose head had begun to throb with tension, had a sudden, overwhelming urge to get out. ‘Stop the car!’ she said.

  Startled, Estelle immediately slowed down, looking at Janet anxiously in the driving mirror. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked.

  ‘No,’ Janet said in a small but determined voice. ‘I want to get out.’

  ‘All right.’

  Indicating right, Estelle turned into the car park and stopped. Everybody looked at Janet, as she struggled with her seatbelt, her fingers clumsy in her anxiousness to escape.

  ‘Janet?’ Estelle asked again, ‘what is it? Are you feeling ill?’

  Janet opened the car door. ‘I just need some air,’ she said, but when she got out she began to walk quickly away along the track that led to the beach.

  Somebody called after her – Reenie, it sounded like – but Janet didn’t turn back.

  In days gone past, Janet had come here to Holkham a lot. Romantic walks with Ray through the pine trees and down past the brightly-coloured row of beach huts to the beach before they were married; hand in hand, talking about hopes and dreams and plans, or not talking at all; comfortably silent together. And later, when they had Debbie, there had been family picnics, games of beach cricket and walks across the vast swathe of wet sand in search of the sea edge, always just too far away for toddler legs eager for a paddle. They had been happy days, but now they seemed so distant they could almost be dreams, not memories.

  When was the last time she’d been here? She honestly couldn’t remember. And neither could she remember the last time she and Ray had talked about hopes and dreams and plans together. As for silences, well, there were plenty of those, only these days they weren’t comfortable, they were lonely emptinesses she no longer felt equipped to fill. The truth was, she and Ray had run out of things to say to each other a very long time ago.

  Emerging onto the beach from the sandy path bordered by swishing pine trees, Janet realised that this was no longer true. They did have a topic to discuss now. Sunday night.

  Janet knew Estelle would describe what had happened between Janet and Ray as rape, if Janet were to tell her about it, and maybe she would be right. After all, she hadn’t wanted to have sex with Ray; with her hangover and him still not speaking to her properly, it had been the very last thing on earth she had wanted. But she hadn’t actually said no, had she? So technically it couldn’t have been rape. Yes, said a voice in her head. But he knew you didn’t want to have sex, didn’t he? He couldn’t help but know. And he went on and did it anyway.

  Rape or not, it had definitely not been an act of love or respect. And the harsh truth was that Ray neither loved nor respected her. He couldn’t do – not if he treated her like that.

  Walking on across the sand, Janet wiped the tears angrily from her face. She didn’t want to think about this. If she did, she would have to think about what she was going to do about it, and she didn’t feel strong enough for that.

  And suddenly she wished she hadn’t run off the way she had. She didn’t want to be on
her own anymore, and she wondered whether the others were following her down to the beach. She hoped so, or it was going to take her a very long time to get home. Feeling chilled despite the sunshine, Janet was about to turn to look for them when a man on the nearby dunes called over to her.

  ‘Lovely afternoon, isn’t it?’

  Automatically Janet looked over at him. ‘Er…yes…’ she started to say, but then gave a gasp of surprise. The man, who was standing facing her with his hands on his hips, was stark naked. ‘Oh!’ Janet exclaimed, horrified yet still unable to drag her gaze away from the large swell of the man’s belly and a set of genitals that looked disproportionately small in comparison.

  Mercifully a posse arrived at just that moment – a posse in the form of Estelle and Kate, with Reenie puffing along at the rear. Janet had never felt as glad to see anybody in her life.

  ‘He’s got no clothes on!’ she hissed to Estelle and Kate as the man continued to pose and smile, obviously under the impression that he was giving her a treat.

  ‘This part of the beach is for nudists, love,’ Reenie told her, puffing up to her side.

  ‘Goodness!’ said Janet, still not moving.

  ‘Come on,’ said Kate, giving her a little shove. ‘Let’s get away from here before I lose my lunch.’

  Janet responded to the shove, and they wandered on towards the sea. When Estelle and Reenie began to giggle, it was difficult not to smile.

  ‘Feeling better now, love?’ Reenie asked her kindly, and Janet nodded.

  ‘A bit, yes thanks,’ she said, and it was true, she was. She had only known these three women for a short time, but they were all so dear to her. In a funny kind of a way, they were almost like a second family.

  ‘Well,’ Estelle was saying, grinning at them all, ‘I can think of something to cheer us all up,’ she said. ‘Not to mention Droopy over there!’ and with that she threw her bag down onto the sand, kicked off her shoes and began to strip.

  Everyone looked at her as if she’d lost her mind.

  ‘Come on!’ she said, looking straight at Janet. ‘After all, Jade accused us of not being prepared to take risks!’ She whipped her shirt off and started on her jeans.

  Nobody else moved.

  ‘Our inner sex goddesses will get hypothermia in that sea, Estelle,’ Kate pointed out dryly.

  Estelle didn’t bother to reply. By now she was down to her underwear and reaching behind her back to unclip her bra.

  Suddenly Reenie burst out laughing and started to pull her T-shirt over her head. ‘I’m with you!’ she said, and Estelle smiled approvingly.

  ‘Well done, Reenie!’ she said, looking in Kate’s direction. ‘Kate?’

  By now Reenie was stepping out of her trousers, a huge mischievous grin on her face. Janet never dreamed Kate would join them, but suddenly she did.

  ‘Oh sod it!’ she said, and next minute she was unbuttoning her shirt so fast the buttons almost flew off.

  Laughing with approval, Estelle unclipped her bra to free her breasts. Reenie wasn’t far behind her, and suddenly Janet didn’t know where to look.

  ‘Come on, Janet,’ Estelle said. ‘All for one?’

  Reenie was in the process of whipping her knickers off. ‘And one for all!’ she shrieked and began a bouncy-fleshed run towards the sea.

  Estelle watched Reenie go, smiling as she removed her own knickers. Then she looked up one last time for Janet’s response. Kate, meanwhile, had left her clothes in an untidy heap and was careering down the beach after Reenie, determined to get to the sea first. Shrieking, Reenie stepped up her pace.

  ‘Wait for me!’ shrieked Estelle after them, leaving Janet behind as she headed fleet-footed across the sand.

  Alone on the beach and uncomfortably aware of the naked man on the dunes only a matter of metres away, Janet hesitated, watching her three friends as they braved the waves, screaming as the cold water made contact with their flesh. Did she want to join them, or would she just be a sheep without a mind of her own if she did? And what about her stretch marks and operation scars? She never let anybody see them, not even Ray if she could help it.

  ‘I say!’ the naked man called over to her and she turned to glare at him, suddenly making up her mind.

  ‘Get lost!’ she shouted, and then she began to strip off, leaving her clothes in an untidy pile with the others.

  ‘I’m coming!’ she yelled to her friends.

  And, with Estelle and Reenie cheering and Kate giving her loud wolf whistles, Janet ran naked down to the sea.

  Twenty-two

  ‘I don’t want all this to end, Estelle. I want an orgasm.’

  Janet was slightly tipsy, Estelle decided. Her cheeks were flushed, and she was being more outspoken than usual. She hadn’t even really bothered to lower her voice when she’d said the word orgasm, despite the fact that they were in a fairly busy pub.

  ‘I know Jade can be a little unconventional,’ Janet continued, seemingly oblivious to the fact that several people at neighbouring tables were now listening in to the conversation. ‘But I’m sure she’s completely sincere. And in my case, I know what she says is right. I do need to stop letting people tell me what to do. I have to start thinking for myself.’

  There was a cheer from the other side of the bar where Kate and Reenie were playing the fruit machine. Evidently they had won the jackpot. Now that their differences had been sorted out, they seemed to have become firm friends. Estelle had never seen Kate smile so much, and both she and Reenie had really entered into the spirit of the skinny dip. Running from the sea, Kate had even done a detour to give the posy nude guy more of an eyeful than he had bargained for.

  Estelle smiled at Janet. Two months ago she would never have dreamed that any of these women would have become her friend, but now she genuinely cared for them all, especially Janet.

  ‘I think you’re stronger than you realise, Janet,’ she said. ‘I think if you make your mind up to something then that’s it, you do it.’

  Janet looked doubtful. ‘Do you?’

  Estelle nodded. ‘Of course. Look at the way you decided to join the workshops.’

  Janet pulled a face. ‘I think I sort of slid into that,’ she said. ‘I hadn’t got a clue what I was getting myself into.’

  ‘Well maybe,’ Estelle said, ‘but once you did find out, you stuck with it. Even when that husband of yours tried to forbid you to go.’ Estelle did her best to keep her feelings about Janet’s husband from her voice, though she found this hard. The man sounded like a total prick.

  Janet was looking so thoughtful that Estelle regretted ever suggesting that they should all stop going to the workshops. Jade had really annoyed her at the last session with what Estelle had seen as her arrogant proclamation of their faults, but clearly the workshops meant an awful lot to Janet. Something about Janet just inspired a sort of…tenderness in Estelle. It was like nothing she had really experienced before. Estelle wanted to protect Janet; to make things all right for her and to help her to realise her potential. And somewhere in the back of her mind, Estelle knew that Jade would approve of the caring, nurturing feelings Estelle had for Janet. ‘Well done, Estelle,’ she would say. ‘You’re making a real connection with another human being. And every connection you make brings you a step closer to connecting with yourself.’

  Or something like that.

  Janet looked up. ‘Do you know,’ she said, ‘in twenty years of marriage, I’ve never been the one to, you know, start things off sexually. I’m hoping that if I continue with the classes I’ll finally have the courage to do it.’

  ‘Initiate sex?’

  Janet nodded. ‘Yes. I’d like to be able to, but somehow when I try to imagine it, it never quite works out.’

  Estelle, who had frequently initiated sex, tried and failed to imagine what it must be like to be completely passive. ‘Well, how do you imagine doing it?’ she asked.

  Looking slightly embarrassed, Janet sipped some more of her wine. ‘Well, funnily enough,
I never imagine us being in bed together when I think about it. We’re always in the living room, and Ray’s reading the newspaper with his slippers on.’

  ‘Sexy,’ Estelle said, and it was impossible to keep a note of sarcasm out of her voice.

  Janet didn’t seem to notice. ‘Well, not really,’ she said. ‘He has quite skinny legs you see, and he always has them crossed when he reads the paper. His trousers ride up, and there’s at least six inches of leg showing above his socks…’ Janet’s voice faded momentarily as she pictured the scene. ‘And he holds his newspaper up like this.’ Janet lifted her hands to indicate a broadsheet barrier.

  ‘Even sexier,’ Estelle smiled, and this time Janet laughed.

  ‘It’s not terribly, is it?’

  ‘Well,’ said Estelle, ‘let’s just say that I’m not surprised you can’t imagine initiating sex in those circumstances.’

  ‘No. Although in a funny kind of a way, those are exactly the kind of circumstances I would like to be able to initiate sex in.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Estelle. ‘Because it would be a challenge?’

  Janet looked at her drink. ‘In a way. But also because…married life can be so very dull. All those shared meals, all those evenings with the television on and Ray reading every inch of the newspaper. Sometimes I just get this impulse to…oh, I don’t know, do something completely crazy just to put a spanner in the works!’

  Estelle looked at her friend with affection. ‘Go for it, girl!’ she felt like saying. ‘Show the pompous git what you’re really made of!’ But she didn’t.

  ‘Well, today was a good start, I should think,’ she said instead. ‘You didn’t know you were going to be swimming naked in the sea when we set out this morning.’

  Janet smiled. ‘I still can’t believe I did it!’ she said. ‘Mind you, I’m not sure I’ll be doing it again. The sea was a bit on the cold side.’

  ‘A lot on the cold side,’ Estelle corrected her. ‘There were goose pimples on my goose pimples.’