A Cosmic Christmas

by Hank Davis

  “I told him tomato and lettuce only,” she said, picking pickles off her sandwich. “I heard Gary talked to you yesterday. Did he ask you out?”

  “What’s that?” I said, pointing to the folder Tonya’d brought with her to change the subject. “The Harbrace file?”

  “No,” she said. “Do you want my pickles? It’s our Christmas schedule. Never marry anybody who has kids from a previous marriage. Especially when you have kids from a previous marriage. Tom’s ex-wife, Janine, my ex-husband, John, and four sets of grandparents all want the kids, and they all want them on Christmas morning. It’s like trying to schedule the D-Day invasion.”

  “At least your husband isn’t still hung up on his ex-wife,” I said glumly.

  “So Gary didn’t ask you out, huh?” She bit into her sandwich, frowned, and extracted another pickle. “I’m sure he will. Okay, if we take the kids to Tom’s parents at four on Christmas Eve, Janine could pick them up at eight . . . No, that won’t work.” She switched her sandwich to her other hand and began erasing. “Janine’s not speaking to Tom’s parents.”

  She sighed. “At least John’s being reasonable. He called yesterday and said he’d be willing to wait till New Year’s to have the kids. I don’t know what got into him.”

  When I got back to work, there was a folded copy of the morning newspaper on my desk.

  I opened it up. The headline read “City Hall Christmas Display to Be Turned On,” which wasn’t unusual. And neither was tomorrow’s headline, which would be “City Hall Christmas Display Protested.”

  Either the Freedom Against Faith people protest the Nativity scene or the fundamentalists protest the elves or the environmental people protest cutting down Christmas trees or all of them protest the whole thing. It happens every year.

  I turned to the inside pages. Several articles were circled in red, and there was a note next to them which read “See what I mean? Gary.”

  I looked at the circled articles. “Christmas Shoplifting Down,” the first one read. “Mall stores report incidences of shoplifting are down for the first week of the Christmas season. Usually prevalent this time of—”

  “What are you doing?” Penny said, looking over my shoulder.

  I shut the paper with a rustle. “Nothing,” I said. I folded it back up and stuck it into a drawer. “Did you need something?”

  “Here,” she said, handing me a slip of paper.

  “I already got my Secret Santa name,” I said.

  “This is for Holiday Goodies,” she said. “Everybody takes turns bringing in coffee cake or tarts or cake.”

  I opened up my slip. It read “Friday Dec. 20. Four dozen cookies.”

  “I saw you and Gary talking yesterday,” Penny said. “What about?”

  “His ex-wife,” I said. “What kind of cookies do you want me to bring?”

  “Chocolate chip,” she said. “Everybody loves chocolate.”

  As soon as she was gone, I got the newspaper out again and took it into Hunziger’s office to read. “Legislature Passes Balanced Budget,” the other articles read. “Escaped Convict Turns Self In,” “Christmas Food Bank Donations Up.”

  I read through them and then threw the paper into the wastebasket. Halfway out the door I thought better of it and took it out, folded it up, and took it back to my desk with me.

  While I was putting it into my purse, Hunziger wandered in. “If anybody asks where I am, tell them I’m in the men’s room,” he said, and wandered out again.

  Wednesday afternoon, I took the girls and Allison to the airport. She was still fretting over her newsletter.

  “Do you think a greeting is absolutely necessary?” she said in the baggage check-in line. “You know, like ‘Dear Friends and Family’?”

  “Probably not,” I said absently. I was watching the people in line ahead of us, trying to spot this unusual behavior Gary had talked about, but so far I hadn’t seen any. People were looking at their watches and complaining about the length of the line, the ticket agents were calling, “Next! Next!” to the person at the head of the line, who, after having stood impatiently in line for forty-five minutes waiting for this moment, was now staring blankly into space, and an unattended toddler was methodically pulling the elastic strings off a stack of luggage tags.

  “They’ll still know it’s a Christmas newsletter, won’t they?” Allison said. “Even without a greeting at the beginning of it?”

  With a border of angels holding bunches of mistletoe, what else could it be? I thought.

  “Next!” the ticket agent shouted.

  The man in front of us had forgotten his photo ID, the girl in front of us in line for the security check was wearing heavy metal, and on the train out to the concourse a woman stepped on my foot and then glared at me as if it were my fault. Apparently, all the nice people had traveled the day Gary came home.

  And that was probably what it was—some kind of statistical clump where all the considerate, intelligent people had ended up on the same flight.

  I knew they existed. My sister Sueann had had an insurance actuary for a boyfriend once (he was also an embezzler, which is why Sueann was dating him) and he had said events weren’t evenly distributed, that there were peaks and valleys. Gary must just have hit a peak.

  Which was too bad, I thought, lugging Cheyenne, who had demanded to be carried the minute we got off the train, down the concourse. Because the only reason he had approached me was because he thought there was something strange going on.

  “Here’s Gate 55,” Allison said, setting Dakota down and getting out French language tapes for the girls. “If I left off the ‘Dear Friends and Family,’ I’d have room to include Dakota’s violin recital. She played The Gypsy Dance.”

  She settled the girls in adjoining chairs and put on their headphones. “But Mitch says it’s a letter, so it has to have a greeting.”

  “What if you used something short?” I said. “Like ‘Greetings’ or something. Then you’d have room to start the letter on the same line.”

  “Not ‘Greetings.’ ” She made a face. “Uncle Frank started his letter that way last year, and it scared me half to death. I thought Mitch had been drafted.”

  I had been alarmed when I’d gotten mine, too, but at least it had given me a temporary rush of adrenaline, which was more than Uncle Frank’s letters usually did, concerned as they were with prostate problems and disputes over property taxes.

  “I suppose I could use ‘Holiday Greetings,’ ”Allison said. “Or ‘Christmas Greetings,’ but that’s almost as long as ‘Dear Friends and Family.’ If only there were something shorter.”

  “How about ‘Hi’?”

  “That might work.” She got out paper and a pen and started writing. “How do you spell ‘outstanding’?”

  “O-u-t-s-t-a-n-d-i-n-g,” I said absently. I was watching the moving sidewalks in the middle of the concourse. People were standing on the right, like they were supposed to, and walking on the left. No people were standing four abreast or blocking the entire sidewalk with their luggage. No kids were running in the opposite direction of the sidewalk’s movement, screaming and running their hands along the rubber railing.

  “How do you spell ‘fabulous’?” Allison asked.

  “Flight 2216 to Spokane is now ready for boarding,” the flight attendant at the desk said. “Those passengers traveling with small children or those who require additional time for boarding may now board.”

  A single old lady with a walker stood up and got in line. Allison unhooked the girls’ headphones and we began the ritual of hugging and gathering up belongings.

  “We’ll see you at Christmas,” she said.

  “Good luck with your newsletter,” I said, handing Dakota her teddy bear, “and don’t worry about the heading. It doesn’t need one.”

  They started down the passageway. I stood there, waving, till they were out of sight, and then turned to go.

  “We are now ready for regular boarding of rows 25 through 33
,” the flight attendant said, and everybody in the gate area stood up. Nothing unusual here, I thought, and started for the concourse.

  “What rows did she call?” a woman in a red beret asked a teenaged boy.

  “25 through 33,” he said.

  “Oh, I’m Row 14,” the woman said, and sat back down.

  So did I.

  “We are now ready to board rows 15 through 24,” the flight attendant said, and a dozen people looked carefully at their tickets and then stepped back from the door, patiently waiting their turn. One of them pulled a paperback out of her tote bag and began to read. It was Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson. Only when the flight attendant said, “We are now boarding all rows,” did the rest of them stand up and get in line.

  Which didn’t prove anything, and neither did the standing on the right of the moving sidewalk. Maybe people were just being nice because it was Christmas.

  Don’t be ridiculous, I told myself. People aren’t nicer at Christmas. They’re ruder and pushier and crabbier than ever. You’ve seen them at the mall, and in line for the post office. They act worse at Christmas than any other time.

  “This is your final boarding call for Flight 2216 to Spokane,” the flight attendant said to the empty waiting area. She called to me, “Are you flying to Spokane, ma’am?”

  “No.” I stood up. “I was seeing friends off.”

  “I just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss your flight,” she said, and turned to shut the door.

  I started for the moving sidewalk, and nearly collided with a young man running for the gate. He raced up to the desk and flung his ticket down.

  “I’m sorry, sir,” the flight attendant said, leaning slightly away from the young man as if expecting an explosion. “Your flight has already left. I’m really terribly sor—”

  “Oh, it’s okay,” he said. “It serves me right. I didn’t allow enough time for parking and everything, that’s all. I should have started for the airport earlier.”

  The flight attendant was tapping busily on the computer. “I’m afraid the only other open flight to Spokane for today isn’t until 11:05 this evening.”

  “Oh, well,” he said, smiling. “It’ll give me a chance to catch up on my reading.” He reached down into his attaché case and pulled out a paperback. It was W. Somerset Maugham’s Of Human Bondage.

  “Well?” Gary said as soon as I got back to work Thursday morning. He was standing by my desk, waiting for me.

  “There’s definitely something going on,” I said, and told him about the moving sidewalks and the guy who’d missed his plane. “But what?”

  “Is there somewhere we can talk?” he said, looking anxiously around.

  “Hunziger’s office,” I said, “but I don’t know if he’s in yet.”

  “He’s not,” he said, led me into the office, and shut the door behind him.

  “Sit down,” he said, indicating Hunziger’s chair. “Now, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think all these people have been possessed by some kind of alien intelligence. Have you ever seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers”?

  “What?” I said.

  “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” he said. “It’s about these parasites from outer space who take over people’s bodies and—”

  “I know what it’s about,” I said, “and it’s science fiction. You think the man who missed his plane was some kind of pod-person? You’re right,” I said, reaching for the doorknob. “I do think you’re crazy.”

  “That’s what Donald Sutherland said in Leechmen from Mars. Nobody ever believes it’s happening, until it’s too late.”

  He pulled a folded newspaper out of his back pocket. “Look at this,” he said, waving it in front of me. “Holiday credit card fraud down twenty percent. Holiday suicides down thirty percent. Charitable giving up sixty percent.”

  “They’re coincidences.” I explained about the statistical peaks and valleys. “Look,” I said, taking the paper from him and turning to the front page. “People Against Cruelty to Our Furry Friends Protests City Hall Christmas Display. Animal Rights Group Objects to Exploitation of Reindeer.”

  “What about your sister?” he said. “You said she only dates losers. Why would she suddenly start dating a nice guy? Why would an escaped convict suddenly turn himself in? Why would people suddenly start reading the classics? Because they’ve been taken over.”

  “By aliens from outer space?” I said incredulously.

  “Did he have a hat?”

  “Who?” I said, wondering if he really was crazy. Could his being hung up on his horrible ex-wife have finally made him crack?

  “The man who missed his plane,” he said. “Was he wearing a hat?”

  “I don’t remember,” I said, and felt suddenly cold. Sueann had worn a hat to Thanksgiving dinner. She’d refused to take it off at the table. And the woman whose ticket said Row 14 had been wearing a beret.

  “What do hats have to do with it?” I asked.

  “The man on the plane next to me was wearing a hat. So were most of the other people on the flight. Did you ever see The Puppet Masters? The parasites attached themselves to the spinal cord and took over the nervous system,” he said. “This morning here at work I counted nineteen people wearing hats. Les Sawtelle, Rodney Jones, Jim Bridgeman—”

  “Jim Bridgeman always wears a hat,” I said. “It’s to hide his bald spot. Besides, he’s a computer programmer. All the computer people wear baseball caps.”

  “DeeDee Crawford,” he said. “Vera McDermott, Janet Hall—”

  “Women’s hats are supposed to be making a comeback,” I said.

  “George Frazelli, the entire Documentation section—”

  “I’m sure there’s a logical explanation,” I said. “It’s been freezing in here all week. There’s probably something wrong with the heating system.”

  “The thermostat’s turned down to fifty,” he said, “which is something else peculiar. The thermostat’s been turned down on all floors.”

  “Well, that’s probably Management. You know how they’re always trying to cut costs—”

  “They’re giving us a Christmas bonus. And they fired Hunziger.”

  “They fired Hunziger?” I said. Management never fires anybody.

  “This morning. That’s how I knew he wouldn’t be in his office.”

  “They actually fired Hunziger?”

  “And one of the janitors. The one who drank. How do you explain that?”

  “I—I don’t know,” I stammered. “But there has to be some other explanation than aliens. Maybe they took a management course or got the Christmas spirit or their therapists told them to do good deeds or something. Something besides leechmen. Aliens coming from outer space and taking over our brains is impossible!”

  “That’s what Dana Wynter said in Invasion of the Body Switchers. But it’s not impossible. It’s happening right here, and we’ve got to stop it before they take over everybody and we’re the only ones left. They—”

  There was a knock on the door. “Sorry to bother you, Gary,” Carol Zaliski said, leaning in the door, “but you’ve got an urgent phone call. It’s your ex-wife.”

  “Coming,” he said, looking at me. “Think about what I said, okay?” He went out.

  I stood looking after him and frowning.

  “What was that all about?” Carol said, coming into the office. She was wearing a white fur hat.

  “He wanted to know what to buy his Secret Santa person,” I said.

  Friday Gary wasn’t there. “He had to go talk to his ex-wife this morning,” Tonya told me at lunch, picking pickles off her sandwich. “He’ll be back this afternoon. Marcie’s demanding he pay for her therapy. She’s seeing this psychiatrist, and she claims Gary’s the one who made her crazy, so he should pick up the bill for her Prozac. Why is he still hung up on her?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, scraping mustard off my burger.

  “Carol Zaliski said the two of you were talking in
Hunziger’s office yesterday. What about? Did he ask you out? Nan?”

  “Tonya, has Gary talked to you since Thanksgiving? Did he ask you about whether you’d noticed anything unusual happening?”

  “He asked me if I’d noticed anything bizarre or abnormal about my family. I told him, in my family bizarre is normal. You won’t believe what’s happened now. Tom’s parents are getting a divorce, which means five sets of parents. Why couldn’t they have waited till after Christmas to do this? It’s throwing my whole schedule off.”

  She bit into her sandwich. “I’m sure Gary’s going to ask you out. He’s probably just working up to it.”

  If he was, he had the strangest line I’d ever heard. Aliens from outer space. Hiding under hats!

  Though, now that he’d mentioned it, there were an awful lot of people wearing hats. Nearly all the men in Data Analysis had baseball caps on, Jerrilyn Wells was wearing a wool stocking cap, and Ms. Jacobson’s secretary looked like she was dressed for a wedding in a white thing with a veil. But Sueann had said this was the Year of the Hat.

  Sueann, who dated only gigolos and Mafia dons. But she had been bound to hit a nice boyfriend sooner or later, she dated so many guys.

  And there weren’t any signs of alien possession when I tried to get somebody in the steno pool to make some copies for me. “We’re busy,” Paula Grandy snapped. “It’s Christmas, you know!”

  I went back to my desk, feeling better. There was an enormous dish made of pinecones on it, filled with candy canes and red and green foil-wrapped chocolate kisses. “Is this part of the Christmas decorations?” I asked Penny.

  “No. They aren’t ready yet,” she said. “This is just a little something to brighten the holidays. I made one for everyone’s desk.”

  I felt even better. I pushed the dish over to one side and started through my mail. There was a green envelope from Allison and Mitch. She must have mailed her newsletters as soon as she got off the plane. I wonder if she decided to forgo the heading or Dakota’s Most Improved Practicing Piano Award, I thought, slicing it open with the letter opener.