by Kari Lemor
After Victor left, Jonathan pointed to the laptop again. “See Dah dee. Mama, see Dah dee?”
She hugged her son, wanting to give him his wish, especially today on his birthday. The text Jack sent last night had been short and to the point. He’d be on after five. Callie had long ago stopped hoping she could get much more from him.
“We’ll try and see Daddy a little later.”
“Have you spoken with him lately?” Callie asked Scott, trying to keep the despair from her voice. They all hated Jack’s predicament but Callie had guilt on top of it. If it hadn’t been for her, Jack wouldn’t be running around the country avoiding anyone with ties to Victor. And Victor had many ties.
“A few days ago, he had to fire some men from the site he’s working on. He told me about the tricycle and said he’d try and see Jonathan tonight.” Scott owned a large construction company and Jack was able to hop from site to site to keep from staying in one place too long.
Heather sat next to Callie. “Someday it will all work out. They’ll put you-know-who away for good and Jack’ll be able to be here. No more hiding him in the closet.”
Scott tilted his head. “You’ve hidden Jack in the closet?”
Callie laughed. “No, but I keep the few pictures I’ve taken of him and Jonathan over the last couple years in the closet, locked in a box whenever Victor comes over. I should move them back.”
Getting up, she picked up the picture of Angelo and the small photo album she’d cobbled together for Victor’s benefit. It wasn’t shown to Jonathan unless Victor insisted. Sliding it on a shelf, she pulled out the strong box she’d shoved under the extra blankets in the hall closet then set that on the large wooden trunk she used as a coffee table. It was usually kept inside. When her son saw what she had, he lumbered over, a toy car in each hand.
“Dah dee?”
“You want to see pictures of Daddy? We can do that. He wants to be here with you, sweetheart, but he can’t. We’ll think of him though.” She said, these words daily to remind her son who his father was. It reminded her of what they were all missing.
Jonathan pouted but she distracted him by unlocking the box. He crawled on to her lap and she settled the large picture album in front of them. Her throat closed up as she looked at the pictures Jack had taken the day Jonathan was born. It had been the one time Jack had seen his son when he was that small.
Blinking back tears, she remembered the few times Jack had seen his son in the past two years. Each visit had been brief and almost painful. She allowed him to spend every second with Jonathan when he showed up. It was all he would get for a long while.
Passing the pictures she’d gotten from their video chats, she turned to the page of Jonathan’s first birthday. Jack had managed to stop by much later than everyone else. His disappointment that Jonathan was asleep was evident, so she’d suggested he look in on their son while he slept. Jonathan stirred awake and she’d allowed Jack the pleasure of changing the soiled diaper that had awakened him.
They’d played for a short while and Jonathan had been excited to see the man from the pictures and computer and had actually taken four or five steps in a row. It was more than he had ever done. Jack had scooped him up for a bear hug, proud as any dad. She’d captured the moment in a picture.
Those hugs weren’t enough to sustain her son. There was nothing she could do though. The e-mails from her to Jack were frequent and filled with details of Jonathan’s life. But other than a brief ‘thanks’ there was never any mention of Jack’s life. He claimed it was safer that way.
In all their communications, their son was all they ever discussed. No mention was made of the two of them. It was as if their relationship hadn’t happened. But Jonathan was proof it had.
She touched the picture showing Jack snuggling Jonathan against his strong chest as he rocked the baby back to sleep. Callie wanted to snuggle there too. It’d been far too long since she’d been held.
It would be longer still before she could seek comfort in another man’s arms, if ever. Her relationship with Jack was too complicated for any prospective lover to understand. But she’d made a promise to Jack and she’d keep it no matter how much the pain of never being able to have him hurt her. She wouldn’t let her son think his father didn’t love him.
Jonathan became bored with the pictures and wiggled to the floor toddling around the room, checking out his gifts. He passed the book shelf, pointing to the laptop.
“Mama, see Dah dee?”
Callie looked at the clock, it was already six. She’d been so steeped in memories she hadn’t noticed. Getting to her feet, she grabbed the laptop. As she set it up on the old trunk, she smiled at her son. “We’ll see if he’s around. You can tell him about your presents.”
Jonathan jumped up and down in excitement, waving his three fingers again. “I two.”
Heather grinned from her reclined spot on the couch. “You might want to work on the two fingers thing again. I don’t think he’s quite got that number down.”
Callie glared at her friend as she clicked on the video icon. Jack’s, or rather Aunt Agatha’s, avatar was dark. He wasn’t on yet. She flashed disappointed eyes to her son who was still skipping around the room.
Scott’s sympathetic voice drifted to her. “He wanted to see Jonathan today. Said he wouldn’t miss his birthday for anything.”
Callie nodded, willing the little avatar to light up and flash at her. Jonathan scampered around then giggled, squealing, “Dah dee!”
“Soon, sweetheart.” She sighed. “He wouldn’t miss your birthday.”
Jonathan continued chirping his daddy song.
“Hey, pal, Mommy’s right. I would never miss your birthday.”
Callie froze, her heart skipping a beat. Her head turned toward the low voice. Standing in the doorway was the most breathtaking sight she’d ever seen. Jack Holland.
Chapter 4
“Dah dee,” Jonathan squealed again and Jack got down on one knee to scoop the child into his arms. Too damned long since he’d done this. Held his son. He shouldn’t even be here today, but no way could he get through Jonathan’s birthday without holding and kissing his child.
“Happy Birthday, pal,” he whispered, not sure his voice would work with all the powerful emotion running through him. He blinked a few times, Jonathan’s arms around him causing his blood to pump faster, making him stronger. Anger rocketed through him when he thought about how little he’d held his son. Three times in two years was pitiful for a father to see his child. What other choice did he have though? Staying away was the best way to protect him.
Standing with the boy in his arms, he looked at the others in the room. Scott and Heather registered briefly, but honestly, Callie was the one who took all his attention. Still the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. How did she get more beautiful as the years passed? She wore a short, lavender-colored sundress that emphasized her tanned skin and long legs. Her dark curls were secured to the back of her head in deference to the hot September weather. Their eyes met. Was that regret flashing from them? Was it his constant absence or that he’d shown up? Anything dangerous and risky made her anxious and his coming here was definitely that. But every time she texted, e-mailed, or video chatted she took a risk. Thank God she did. No way he would have made it through the last two years if he hadn’t gotten constant updates on Jonathan.
“Hi, Calico.” He sent her the crooked grin that always made her blush. Sure enough, her cheeks turned pink and she lowered her eyes.
“Jack.” When she looked up, they held concern. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here. Scott said you were currently working in Pennsylvania.”
Shrugging, he kissed Jonathan again. “It’s the weekend and I didn’t mind the drive. I heard there might be cake.” This he addressed to the boy in his arms. “Did you have cake, pal?”
“Mmm, tate.” Jonathan nodded h
is head. “Want tate, Dah dee?”
“Maybe in a little while. First, you need to show me what you got for your birthday.” He knelt down allowing Jonathan to toddle over to his pile of toys. The boy squeezed the horn on the tricycle then giggled. God, I needed to hear that. Need to hear it more often.
Scott roused from his reclined position on the chair. “The tricycle is from your dad, Jonathan. I brought it over so you’d have it with all your other gifts. But your daddy was the one who got it for you.”
Jack threw an appreciative look at his cousin then glanced at Heather. “I take it you helped with the party. Thanks.”
Heather merely smiled back. “You know I’ll do anything I can to help Callie.” She didn’t engage in pleasantries or try and make small talk. Jack liked that about Heather. The woman was no-nonsense and told it like it was. Asking him how he was wouldn’t be something she’d do since she was aware of his situation. And that he hated the fact he couldn’t be with Callie and Jonathan.
“Dah dee, wide?” Jonathan looked up at him and he almost melted. His heart began to heal a tiny bit at the adoration pouring from his son’s eyes. As soon as he had to go away again, it would start chipping off into little pieces once more. Would it be too broken someday to be put together again? For now he’d get as much as possible out of every second he had with his son.
“You can have a ride, sure. Let’s get you up into the saddle, partner.” He helped Jonathan into the seat then positioned his hands and feet in the right place. “Keep your feet on the pedals as they move. Soon we’ll have you doing this all on your own.”
As he pushed the child around the room, Callie rose and tidied up the place. Heather helped and even Scott picked up a few things. Letting him have time with his son, alone. Selfish, yes, but when he only got to see his child once a year, he wanted every second to be about Jonathan. They understood that.
Scott entered the room again and gave Jonathan a kiss on the head. “I’ve got to go, birthday boy. Thanks for inviting me and letting me have some of your cake. It was delicious. Have fun with your dad.”
Jonathan lifted his hands and let Scott pick him up for a hug. The fire of jealousy burned through him. He hated that Scott was free to see Jonathan whenever he wanted whereas he was wandering the country to keep from being killed. Visiting just a few times in his son’s short lifetime. Not Scott’s fault. He’s doing you a favor by keeping an eye on your family. Didn’t make it any more palatable.
“See ya, cuz.” Jack rose to shake Scott’s hand. “Appreciate your putting the bike together and getting it over here while the party was still going on.”
Transferring the boy to Jack’s arms, Scott sidled up behind Heather who stood in the doorway of the kitchen talking to Callie. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. “Night, sweetheart, always lovely to see you.”
Heather snorted and shook her head then pushed playfully at him. Jack laughed at their silly, little pretense but wondered why neither of them had a real partner. Too much fun with the pretend one?
Callie moved closer and drew Scott into an embrace. “Thanks for coming by. Jonathan always loves to see you.”
Another kick in the gut assaulted him seeing how close his cousin was with Callie, knowing Scott got to see both her and Jonathan more often than he did. Callie stayed as far away from him as possible when he managed to get here. He couldn’t blame her though. He had nothing to offer either her or Jonathan.
“I’ll walk you out, lover boy,” Heather teased Scott then hugged Callie too. She turned around and touched Jack’s arm. “Take care, Jack, and be careful.”
“Thanks, I’ll try. And thank you for being here for Callie. I wish I could get here more often but…well…you know.”
“Yeah, life’s a bi—” she cleared her throat as she gazed at the young child. Forcing a smile, she then kissed Jonathan’s head which was now resting on Jack’s shoulder. “Night, sweetie. Thanks for having me at your birthday party.”
“You don’t have to go right away, Heather.” Callie sounded nervous. Of him? He hated the thought she didn’t trust him but it had been more than two years since they’d had any kind of relationship with each other. Even when they’d been together, the shadow of Angelo had always hung over them. Yeah, their relationship wasn’t what anyone could call normal.
“I’ll talk to you next week about the progress on the construction site,” Scott called to Jack as he and Heather left through the back door.
“You want to play some more?”
Jonathan now snuggled on his shoulder, arms around his neck. The boy’s arms tightened at the question.
“He didn’t have a nap today because of the party and it’s almost seven,” Callie explained. “He’s usually in bed asleep by seven-thirty. He’s got to be exhausted.”
Stifling a yawn, he replied, “I know how he feels. Can I get him ready for bed?”
“Torwy?” a muffled voice questioned from near Jack’s neck.
“You want me to read you a story? I can do that as long as it’s okay with Mommy.”
Callie nodded but kept her eyes averted from his. Was she uncomfortable with him here? It was rare for him to visit but she’d been generous with him when he did.
“Come on.” She moved toward the stairs. “We’ll get you all ready for bed and daddy can read you a story.”
Following behind the beautiful woman, he admired her long thin legs and the sway of her hips as she climbed up the stairs. It had been too damn long since he’d held Callie, or any woman for that matter and his libido took over. It wouldn’t matter if it was another woman though. He’d come across many in the two plus years he’d been away from Callie. None of them had ever come close to eliciting the same kind of response in him. Simply being in the same room with her got him all hot and bothered.
It was one of the reasons he tried to concentrate solely on Jonathan whenever he communicated with them. Thinking of Callie was far too dangerous. Getting involved with her had resulted in a knife wound to the gut and having a price put on his head from defending himself. Not her fault but something about her made him lose all control and forget to be cautious. In more ways than one, obviously. They’d created a child together.
As he carried Jonathan down the hallway, he glanced into the front bedroom, Callie’s room. Pastels and ruffles were all he could see and he smiled at the feminine decorations. Jonathan’s room, however, was exclusively boy. Light blue walls contained pictures of horses and cowboys. Similar images roamed across his bed spread. The crib his son had slept in was missing.
“You’ve got a big boy bed now, pal. Cool.” Inside, another piece chipped off his heart. His son had grown old enough to sleep in a regular bed and he’d missed that milestone, along with too many others. He swallowed the lump in his throat as Jonathan stirred on his shoulder.
“I bid boy. I two.” He held up three fingers. Jack reached up to fold one down then kissed the other two.
“Yes, you are a big boy. I still can’t believe how big.” The tightening of his throat prevented any other words from emerging. He attempted to douse the fire raging inside him at the loss of his life and all that went with it.
* * * *
A sting jabbed through Callie at the sound of Jack’s voice, rough and scratchy. He was trying to keep his emotions in check and not being all that successful. A man missing his son wasn’t a weakness in her eyes. He didn’t need to hide his feelings. She moved closer, though his proximity was hazardous to her equilibrium.
“He started crawling out of the crib a few weeks ago so I thought a bed might be a better choice. I have a gate on the door in case he wanders in the middle of the night.” Pointing to the child gate that sat by the door, she said, “I’m sorry I forgot to mention it to you last time we spoke. It’s been a little hectic around here the past few weeks.”
“No need to apologize. It
’s hard to fill me in on every little thing that happens. Don’t worry about it.”
“I do worry, Jack,” she answered, noting how his arms held their child tightly yet tenderly. There was no doubt Jack Holland adored his son. The love shining from his eyes, every time he looked at him, was palpable.
Busying herself with getting pajamas out of a drawer, she glanced at them. Jonathan was drained and wouldn’t last much longer. He was almost asleep on his father’s shoulder. A few times, she’d fallen asleep there herself and knew how comforting a place it was.
“Sweetheart, do you think you might try using the bathroom before you go to sleep?”
Jonathan perked up a tiny bit, moving his head closer to Jack to whisper, “I pee pee a potty, Dah dee.” The pride in his tone brought tears to her eyes. Wanting to impress his father was something all sons did. Theirs was no different.
“Why don’t you show daddy then you need a Pull Up for bed.” Callie looked into Jack’s intense gray eyes. “He hasn’t quite mastered getting through the whole night yet. The potty training thing is still new.”
Nodding, Jack headed to the bathroom with Jonathan still clutched in his arms. It would be hard for him to leave and let his son go again. He always played the stoic soldier but she’d die a little inside if she had to leave her son and not see him for months or longer. Jack couldn’t be any different. Right now it might be worse for Jack. Jonathan didn’t understand how long it would be until he saw his father again. Jack did. As their son got bigger, he’d begin to understand more and know when his daddy left, he wasn’t coming back soon.
How would she get through Jack’s leaving then? It was hard enough to say good-bye when they talked on the computer. Keeping her distance emotionally while staring at his handsome face was something she’d perfected. She’d never admit to anyone how many tears she’d cry after each ‘visit’. It wasn’t only Jonathan who missed him. Her heart screamed with loss, equally, if not more so.