Chapter 17
There were two things that allowed me to remain sane in the life I found myself in. One was Jaxson’s kindness. The other was pretending my family was happy and going on with normal life, like nothing had ever happened. As long as I did not think about them I could accomplish this.
The door opened and the illusion I relied upon was destroyed. My mother’s face was pulled tight into a grimace. Her smile was all teeth, and no warmth. There was no love there for me.
I could do nothing but stare, my heart breaking with each passing second. Then her eyes softened. They were questioning, searching mine for signs that I was still in there. I took a deep breath and did what I had to.
“Mrs. Cushing!” I reached for her hand and pulled her into a mock embrace, pressing a cheek to each of hers.
She still looked uncertain when I let her go. I brushed past her into the house and turned in a slow circle. “What a… beautiful house you have here.” I said and smiled only with my lips.
Her face turned hard again and the questions were gone. I thought I might die if I looked at her for one more second. I was spared as I heard Lizanne’s steady limp coming up the hall.
“Please, do have a seat.” Mother gestured toward the chairs she had set out. The house was decorated almost as it always was for my birthday, but with a few subtle differences. She had placed black coverings on the chairs that previously were blue. My favorite color. Now that I looked around, there was not a speck of blue in the house.
Lizanne sat carefully in a chair as far from either Jaxson or myself as she could get. She watched me constantly, even when her head was turned away.
“Thank you for giving Lizanne a pass,” my mother said when no one spoke.
“It is the least I can do,” Jaxson said. “Is there anything you need?”
Mother shook her head and looked at her hands in her lap. I could see her lip quiver, and I tried not to tear up.
“What does it feel like to be inside her?” Lizanne asked, suddenly. My mother’s eyes went wide and she turned on Lizanne.
“You will show respect to our guests, Lizanne. They are royalty and we are humbled to have them in our home.” She looked back at us as she spoke the last sentence in what felt like an attempt at apology without actually doing so.
“It is a fair question,” I said, looking Lizanne in the eye.
Jaxson seemed to tense waiting for my response.
“I understand your concern and I want you to know she is well cared for.”
Lizanne looked for a moment like she believed me, but then I saw doubt spring up in her eyes. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but she was too far away and it would only make things worse if she thought she saw me, instead of the Gods she hated, in my eyes.
A knock at the door broke me free from her penetrating stare.
“Are you expecting someone?” Griff asked, standing in the tiny living room, looking and sounding very much like the guard he was. Jaxson was also on his feet, blocking me from the door.
“No.” Mother looked bewildered. “Everyone should be at Niko Polantano’s celebration.”
It was the one name I had hoped not to hear. If I could not forget my families anguish, at least I could pretend his did not exist. His name brought so many emotions to the surface, I had not realized I still felt.
“He is nineteen today, and free of your reach. That is the only reason for celebration today,” Lizanne hissed at us. There was defiance and sadness in her eyes.
The knock came again.
Griff followed my mother to the door and stood nearly pressed against her. I could not see who it was because Jaxson was guarding me.
“Niko.” Mother’s voice was the sound of heartbreak. He pushed past her and Griff. The moment he saw me, he froze. There must be a special Hell reserved for people who have done something as bad as I. It was the only way to explain the punishment I was continually forced to endure.
Mother squeezed his shoulder and led him to a chair. “You should be at your celebration, Niko. This is not Reka anymore.”
He looked me directly in the eye before answering. “We were born on the same day, one year apart. We have shared every birthday celebration for the past seventeen years. When you told me you would not be attending my celebration because you were celebrating with her, here, I knew there was nothing that could make me miss celebrating her eighteenth here also.”
“She knows you are here.” I reached for his face and realized mid-stretch. I dropped my hand to his and held it for just a second, then pulled away. Anaya who had been silent up until this point felt remorseful. Her feelings only angered me.
I could not sit and watch the torment I was causing them all. I would not last much longer. I was fighting the tears every second as it was.
“I believe we should let them get to their celebration. I have had all the excitement I can handle for one day,” I said to Jaxson who was still standing, looking as uncomfortable as everyone else.
Before he could respond, Lizanne stood up. “We have not had any cake.”
I looked at the floor and nodded, hoping no one could see the tears welling in my eyes. She sounded like she had finally just accepted that I was gone, like she was attending my funeral rather than my birthday.
“Cake would be nice,” I responded.
Jaxson sat back down and took my hand. He gave it a light squeeze, but it no longer gave me the comfort it had in the past. I let mine hang limp in his. I could feel his eyes on me. I did not care if he saw my tears. I could not look at him and see his concern, not with the way I was feeling. I was unsure I would ever be able to look at him again.
Chapter 18
It was still light out when we stepped out into the yard. All the colors and smells from the morning now seemed bitter and brown. It was like someone had sucked all that was good or special out of the world while we were inside.
The walk back was silent. Jaxson said nothing, but out of the corner of my eye I could see him continually glance over at me. I just stared ahead and occasionally quickened my pace. It was not that I wanted to get back to the ship, and certainly not back to our room where I would be alone with him. I had hoped when we returned he would have responsibilities to take care of.
“Are you ready for dinner? You must be hungry, you barely ate,” Jaxson asked as we approached the ship.
I wanted to be petulant and refuse but I knew he would just bring it to me and I would rather eat in the dining room than alone with him. I nodded.
As we weaved our way through the hallways, I was grateful for Griff’s continued presence. Jaxson had to sense something was wrong and I needed time to get my emotions in check. If he confronted me right now, I would assuredly do something to reveal myself. I needed to keep my head for my family’s sake, though I am not entirely sure I would feel bad if it slipped that it was not his beloved Anaya that was making him so happy these last few months.
Walking through the dining room, I almost did not notice the extra interest being paid to us. I had forgotten about the incident with Duester. Gossip must have spread through the entire ship by now.
“What will you have, my lady?” Katy asked.
“Whatever is being served tonight will be fine, Katy.”
She bowed, averting her eyes. She was polite as always, but seemed distant this evening.
“For you, Sir?”
“I will have the same. Thank you, Katy.” Jaxson’s voice sounded sympathetic, but I refused to look and find out why. She curtsied and disappeared without another word. I would have to remember to speak with her in the morning, make sure everything was alright.
She returned with our food moments later. She laid our plates in front of us without once looking at either of our faces.
“Enjoy your meal,” she said, tucking her arms behind her with an air of formality I was not used to from her.
“Thank you,” I muttered. I suddenly felt completely alone. What felt like home only hours before, had some
how been transformed. It now felt as hollow and false as the pretense I was living. Maybe it was for the best. I had almost gotten comfortable living a life that belonged to someone else. I needed to remember it was not mine.
The food looked and smelled delicious, but as I took my first bite, it was flavorless. I tried another bite and nearly gagged. The texture was barely palatable in the absence of taste.
“Is there something wrong with the food, Love?” Jaxson asked.
“No, it is wonderful, as always. I am just not hungry tonight.”
“You have hardly eaten today.” Had I always mistaken his watchful eye as concern?
I felt a flutter and realized it was Anaya. She was excited. Before I could feel anything myself, she flashed a memory in my mind. I clenched my fork and let out sigh, unsure how to feel about what she had just shown me. I could not help a quick glance at Jaxson though, knowing what she’d just shown me was meant to be used against him.
It was likely her intent all along, the reason she chose me.
“You are as pale as a sheet,” Jaxson whispered. There was no misinterpreting this emotion. It was clear he was alarmed.
He took my arm and helped me to my feet. He brushed his hands over my face in a gentle caress. This was the façade I had expected from him in the beginning. The show of false emotion to keep the others from seeing what was really going on.
“Come on, we need to get you off your feet.” He kissed the tip of my nose and for a moment I was not sure he was acting.
~o~
As we came up on the last curve before the room, I stopped.
“What is it, Love?”
“I would like to visit my garden before I retire,” I said without looking at him.
“Alone? Or would you like company?”
I hesitated for a moment, his gentle, concerned tone made me falter.
“If you would not mind, I would like a moment alone with my thoughts.”
He nodded and his expression appeared to be a mixture of disappointment and relief. A strange pairing of emotions. Could he sense the danger I posed? Maybe he could taste my own conflicting desires.
Before I could change my mind, I touched the wall and watched it open into a perfect circle. I had to hold onto the edge of the wall as I stepped through. Anaya’s level of emotion was making me dizzy.
Unable to handle the pressure I went to my knees. “You are really surprised?” I asked her. “You should have thought of this before you showed me how to silence you,” I said, referring to the memory that revealed their weakness, a secret she had kept from everyone.
I could feel her weakening, her efforts now only leaving me mildly nauseas as I breathed in the poisons I was only just made aware of. Harmless to me, but to her, the pollen was an anesthetic, possibly even lethal given high enough exposure.
“I have one question before you go. Do you think Jaxson knows?”
I did not get a chance to feel or see a response. There was a rush of emotions followed by a sudden release, and I was finally alone in my own head.
Chapter 19
I am not sure how long I sat there, waiting for tears that would not come, tears to mourn both the lives that were not really mine any longer. I knew Jaxson’s concern was probably growing with each passing moment, and I was unsure of how long he would afford me before coming in the check on me.
He could not find me in a heap on the floor.
I took one final walk around the room. The plants, the flowers, they were my only friends. I touched each one as I walked, feeling their velvety skin. They were consistent, asking only for water and light.
This room felt like safety, and if I wanted, it offered salvation. If I was being honest, I did not want that because I had fallen for Jaxson, and really, I did not want to hurt him.
The tears that would not come before were falling now, threatening to overcome me.
A moment of grief was all I could allow myself. If I broke down, I was not sure I would ever be able to get back up again. So I wiped my tears and made another pass through the room, admiring the flowers that flourished even in the absence of the sun’s influence.
Jaxson was standing exactly where I left him, staring at the entrance. He attempted to appear happy when he looked at me, but his weariness showed heavily in his eyes and his tight smile. He looked nearly defeated.
He held out his hand without a word.
~o~
The room seemed silent and somber, lacking in the excitement and passion it held this morning.
“I think I will have a bath before bed.”
He nodded, and though I had not meant it as a request, he walked to the wall beside the entry and called for one.
The heat was soothing. I had not realized how tense I was until the water began to relax me. My muscles all gave a groan with the release. When I was satisfied that the only thing botanical left on me was the scent from the cleanser, I reluctantly rose and climbed out of the bath.
The room was nearly dark and silent when I came out of the washroom. I could not see Jaxson and I realized I had not been aware of his scent all afternoon. Drawing in a deep breath, I was mildly alarmed to find it was still absent.
When I neared the bed I noticed the wall was open into our hidden room. An invitation? Or did he want to be alone with his thoughts in a private sanctuary, as I had?
I did not want to hurt him, but I was not prepared to pretend nothing had happened either. I pushed through the feathery trees. I felt no soft whispers of comfort this time.
He was sitting in the pond skimming his hands back and forth over the water at his sides. I stood at the edge of the trees.
“You are angry.” It was a statement more than a question. He knew me well, even in the short time we had together.
“We can talk later. We are both tired.” I turned and went back to the room. Our bed seemed large and foreign again, like it had in the beginning. I tried to imagine my own tiny bed back home. It was stiff and barely large enough to roll over, but that was how I liked it. It reminded me that no matter the lavish lifestyle, I was just a girl, no more special than the ones who lived outside the City.
This bed though, it sucked you in and held you like arms. If Jaxson was not coming back to lie with me, I might be able to fall into a restful sleep.
I heard him approaching and forgot all I had learned of fooling him.
“Sleeping ladies breathe.” He sighed.
I turned over and looked at his body, leaning against the entry. I rolled back over, unable to endure the pain I could read in his posture and mannerisms.
“Please talk to me,” he pleaded as he knelt on the bed and slowly came toward me.
I bit hard on my lip and tried to stave off the tears that his tone caused. A mix of concern and anguish. Not really for me though. None of it for me.
“How could you do it?”
He stopped his advance. He was close enough that if I reached out I could hold him, but the distance between us was miles. “I thought… You said… You told me Reka was sad because she would not be able to spend her birthday with her family.” His head dropped so he was no longer looking at me. “I did it for you.”
“There are some things you just do not do. They are just too selfish, even if you want them more than anything.”
“Please, I do not understand. Did Reka not enjoy seeing her family?”
“Did you see the way those people acted?”
“I was too nervous. I am sorry. What do you mean?” His voice sounded calm, but I could smell the edge of panic wafting off of him.
“You just do not understand.” I turned my face away.
“I do not. Please, Love. Explain it to me. I want to understand.”
I sat up and faced him. “Did you see Lizanne? She hates us. As does her mother, but she is so terrified we will take her other daughter she could not show it. You made her celebrate the birthday of a daughter who, to her, is worse than dead, and you made her do it with a smile, while the monste
rs who stole Reka ate cake.”
He let out a whimper, but I was not done.
“So you can see how Reka would not have enjoyed your surprise.”
“I only wanted to make her happy. Please tell her I did not know.” His voice trembled as did his hands. “Please tell her. I did not know. I thought it was what she wanted…”
“Shhh…”
He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face to my chest. “Please tell her.”
“Shhhh…” I traced circles lightly on his back trying to comfort him.
“Please?” He looked up at my face. “Reka, please I did not mean it,” he said, burying his face in my chest again. His whole body trembled now.
“She knows, Jaxson,” I said, hushing him again.
He squeezed me tighter. I curled around him and continued to trace lines up and down his spine. Slowly, the trembling stopped and he went slack under my touch.
“I cannot go back to how it was before,” he mumbled, sounding like he was slipping into sleep, on the verge of complete exhaustion.
I lay there watching him until he finally fell into a restless sleep. The only sound in the room was his soft breathing. Slowly it lulled me, until my eyes were also closing.
The morning came too quickly. He woke with a start, bending his neck to look up at me, his arms still wrapped around my waist.
“Oh, Love. I am sorry. I failed in my duties to you last night.” He closed his eyes in shame and buried his face back into my chest. “It will never happen again.”
“Hey.” I took his face in my hands and turned it up so he was looking at me again. “I never want you to feel like being with me is a duty you have to perform.”
He gave me a strange look. “All is forgotten?”
“Not forgotten. Forgiven.”
“Just like that?” His tone was disbelieving.
“That is what you do when you love someone.”
He traced his thumb over my lip and stared down like he was contemplating what I had said in earnest. “You love me?” His voice was barely audible.
Children of the Gods - A Chosen Novel Page 11