Question Quest

by Piers Anthony

  "I have to listen to your plea," Jot stated.

  "But I don't have to do your bidding," Tittle finished.

  "But you do have to deal with me," Humfrey said. "You have to satisfy me that you have given my plea fair consideration."

  "Why do I have to do that?" Jot asked.

  "Yes, who says I have to?" Tittle added.

  "You said it," Humfrey said. "You laid down the rules of your game, and this is a footnote to those rules."

  Jot sighed. "I said too much."

  "You've done your homework," Tittle said.

  "Well, I am the Magician of Information, and I have had some intercourse with demons. I have a notion of their nature."

  "You can't say a word like that to a child!" Jot cried.

  "You have violated the Adult Conspiracy!" Tittle added.

  Lacuna kept her mouth shut, but found that she was rather enjoying this dialogue. She knew that the business at hand was deadly serious, but the children were little darlings, even if they weren't what they seemed.

  "There are no children here," Humfrey reminded them. "Only facsimiles. Anyway, that demoness was my wife."

  The twins considered. "I will make you a deal," Jot said.

  "Yes, a fair deal," Tittle said.

  "But if it is not fair, I don't have to make it," Humfrey said sternly.

  "I will complete your Question Quest," Jot said.

  "I will ask you the one Question you can't answer," Tittle added.

  "There is no honest Question I can't answer."

  "If you answer it correctly, you will win," Jot said.

  "And if you don't, you will lose," Tittle said.

  “But it must be a fair Question," Humfrey said.

  "It's an easy Question," Jot said.

  "Anybody could answer it," Tittle agreed.

  Lacuna knew that it would be nothing of the sort; Humfrey had explained that at the beginning. How did he plan to handle it?

  "Let me be the judge of that," Humfrey said. "Tell me what the Question will be, should I choose to answer it."

  Lacuna knew that trick wouldn't work. The Demon would require him to agree to answer it before he gave the actual Question. But she was surprised.

  Jot said, "It will be this—"

  "What is the color of Mela Merwoman's panties?" Tittle asked.

  "Objection," Humfrey said. "If you ask me that one, I will be unable to answer it because she doesn't wear any panties. So that is a Question with no Answer, and therefore unfair.”

  "But she will wear panties," Jot argued.

  "When she makes legs to walk on Xanth," Tittle continued.

  "Why would she ever walk on land?" Humfrey demanded. "She prefers to swim in water."

  "In search of a husband," Jot said.

  "In the next volume of the History of Xanth," Tittle finished.

  Humfrey nodded, as if persuaded. "So you will ask me to name the color, when she does don them."

  "Yes," Jot said.

  "When," Tittle agreed.

  "And the correctness of my Answer will determine whether my wife is released from Hell."

  "Right."

  "True."

  Lacuna knew that Humfrey knew that the Demon would see that Mela chose panties of a different color than Humfrey predicted. So how could he possibly win?

  "That seems fair," Humfrey said after a bit. "But it would be tedious to have to wait for her before recovering my wife. It will be a year before she walks on land."

  What was he doing? How could he agree to the fairness of a manifestly unfair Question?

  "You will just have to wait," Jot said.

  "Not that it makes any difference," Tittle added.

  Humfrey arched a wrinkled eyebrow. "I was not speaking only of me. I was speaking of you. It will be tedious for you to have to keep this matter in your mind for that year, when it would be preferable to dispose of it immediately."

  "I have demonic patience," Jot said.

  "I can wait forever," Tittle agreed.

  "Unless there is a shift in the fortunes of your game, and you are called away from Xanth in the interim," Humfrey said. "Then you would not be able to attend the panting."

  Lacuna was perplexed, then realized that he meant the donning of the merwoman's panties. Which meant the Demon could not dictate their color, and Humfrey would win. Of course in that event the magic would be gone from Xanth, because of the absence of the Demon, changing everything. But the Demon still would have lost, which would probably gripe him somewhat.

  "You have a point," Jot said.

  "But only one point," Tittle said.

  "I should think you would prefer to avoid both the inconvenience of keeping the matter in mind and the chance of missing the event," Humfrey said. "Considering that there is an easy way to accomplish that avoidance."

  "What?" Jot said, caught by surprise.

  "How?" Tittle asked.

  "By plea-bargaining," Humfrey said. "It is obvious that if I answer the Question, we shall both have to wait a year before verifying its validity, to mutual inconvenience and annoyance, despite knowing the outcome.

  But if we compromise now, we can each get part of our desire without further nuisance. We can skip the Question and Answer.”

  "You are beginning to make sense," Jot said.

  "For a human being," Tittle amended.

  He was? Lacuna could not quite see how. But she was neither a Magician nor a Demon.

  "Let me reside in Hell for a month," Humfrey said. "Then let Rose out for a month. The average attendance will be the same. Naturally I would rather have Rose out without penalty, and you would rather keep her in, but this may be a feasible alternative."

  "No, you're too smart to live in Hell," Jot said.

  "You would get the denizens all worked up," Tittle agreed.

  "But who else would be willing to fill in, in Hell?" Humfrey asked. "It has to be me."

  "There is another.”

  "Yes, another."

  "Who?"

  "The Gorgon," Jot said.

  "Your other wife," Tittle clarified.

  "But I wouldn't ask her to do such a thing!" Humfrey protested.

  "But I would," Jot said.

  "Yes, I would," Tittle agreed.

  The two of them gestured with their four little hands. Suddenly the Gorgon stood in the chamber, regal in a black dress and veil. "Humfrey!" she exclaimed. "Are you finished here yet?"

  "I am plea-bargaining with the Demon X(A/N)th," he said, "to mitigate the sentence on Rose. I have offered to spend time in Hell equivalent to the time she is released from Hell, but—"

  The Gorgon's veiled eyes narrowed. "So you can spend time with her both in and out of Hell?" she asked. "Neither of you much noticing where you are?"

  "Yes, that's it," Jot said.

  "He's a cunning one," Tittle said.

  The Gorgon's veiled gaze focused on them. "Children?"

  "They are the present form of the Demon," Lacuna explained.

  The Gorgon refocused on Humfrey. "Well, I'll have none of this. I'll visit Hell instead."

  Humfrey looked surprised, but Lacuna was catching on to his ways. He had anticipated this, too, and was maneuvering both the Gorgon and the Demon into agreement with his compromise. "I would not ask you to—"

  The Gorgon looked at the children. "If I resided in Hell, would I be allowed to pursue my career in dream pictures?''

  "If the Night Stallion asked for you," Jot said.

  "Hell is a bad dream, after all," Tittle agreed.

  "But—" Humfrey said.

  "Then I'll do it," the Gorgon said.

  "I agree," Jot said.

  "She can sub for you," Tittle agreed.

  Humfrey looked amazed. "If that is the way you feel-"

  "I will make the bargain," Jot said firmly.

  "The Gorgon can sub for your wife in Hell," Tittle added, nailing it down.

  "Then I am constrained to agree," Humfrey said, spreading his hands as if outflanked.<
br />
  Lacuna saw that Humfrey's plan had worked. He had avoided the rigged contest and obtained the release of Rose half time, without running afoul of the problem of having two live wives in Xanth at the same time. He had outsmarted the all-powerful Demon.

  Jot turned toward her. "I wouldn't say that," he said.

  Tittle also turned toward her. "I would say he just makes sense," she said.

  Lacuna was aghast. The Demon knew what was in their minds! So Humfrey had not prevailed by trickery but by offering the Demon a good compromise.

  Jot extended his hand, and a rolled scroll appeared in it. "Here is the Agreement," he said.

  Tittle extended her hand, and a huge feathered quill appeared in it. "Sign it," she said.

  Jot unrolled the scroll and held it against the wall, covering part of Lacuna's ongoing printed narrative. Tittle gave Humfrey the feather.

  Lacuna peered over Humfrey's shoulder to read the scroll. It said, in script more elaborate than she could render:

  It is hereby Agreed that Good Magician Humfrey shall be allowed to exchange one wife for another in Hell, et cetera and so forth,

  There was a decorative line below, separating the text from the space for signature. Humfrey squinted at it through his spectacles, then shrugged and signed.

  Then Jot took the quill and signed: Demon

  Tittle took it and signed X(A/N)th. Then she handed the quill to Lacuna.

  "But I'm not part of this!" Lacuna protested.

  "You have to witness it," the Gorgon explained. "I can't; I'm a relative."

  Oh. Lacuna brought the quill to the paper. But something nagged her. "I'm not sure that—"

  "Sign it," Humfrey said shortly.

  So, doubtfully, Lacuna signed it too.

  "Well, that's that," Jot said.

  "Yes, that's that," Tittle agreed.

  "So let's get on with the exchange," Humfrey said.

  "What exchange?" Jot asked.

  "Yes, what?" Tittle added.

  "The exchange of wives," Humfrey said. "As agreed."

  Jot and Tittle exchanged one glance. "I think he didn't read the small print," Jot said.

  "Yes, I think he didn't," Tittle agreed.

  "Small print?" the Gorgon asked, her veil twisting in perplexity.

  Jot extended his hand, and a big magnifying glass appeared in it. "Use this," he said.

  "Yes, read the small print," Tittle said.

  Humfrey took the glass and held it over the decorative line. The line expanded, and turned out to be two lines of very small print, now legible:

  But only in the Changes of Moon On days beginning with Letter N

  " 'But only in the Changes of Moon, on days beginning with Letter N,' " Lacuna read aloud, getting it right for her own text. "But when does the moon change?"

  "And what day of the week begins with the letter N?" the Gorgon asked. She looked at Humfrey. "Dear, this is nonsense."

  "Tough udder," Jot said smugly.

  "You signed," Tittle said smugly.

  Humfrey shrugged. "Did you suppose I got to be the Magician of Information without understanding the concept of small print?" he asked. "It can merely modify, not reverse the contract; that's according to the rules demons follow. We have only to interpret it."

  "Well, go home and interpret it," Jot said.

  "Yes, and stop bothering me," Tittle added.

  Humfrey waggled a finger at them. "Not until I have completed my mission. If I leave beforehand, I will default." He turned to the Gorgon. "You interpret the Changes of Moon." Then he turned to Lacuna. "You find the days beginning with N. "

  Lacuna exchanged two glances with the Gorgon. Then both fell to concentrating. Lacuna thought about the days of the week, and found none that began with N. There were two beginning with S, two with T, and one each with F, M and W. There was a month beginning with N, NoRemember, but no day. Yet it seemed that there had to be a day. What could it be?

  Then she suffered a blinding inspiration. There were" N days—if the days of the month were numbered alphabetically! The ninth and the nineteenth.

  "Lacuna has gotten her notion," Humfrey remarked, blinking as the flash of light faded.

  Then a flashbulb went off just above the Gorgon's head, making Lacuna blink. The other part of it had been solved.

  "The moon changes every month, just like a woman," the Gorgon said. "So it's every month."

  "On the ninth or nineteenth," Lacuna added.

  "And what is today?" Humfrey inquired as if bored.

  "The ninth of OctOgre," Lacuna said.

  "Then what in Hell's annex are we waiting for?" Humfrey demanded irritably.

  Jot and Tittle exchanged half a glance and half a shrug. It was evident that the Demon's little trick had been found out. He had tried to out wait Humfrey and not succeeded; so he had tried to fool him with the appearance of the little twins, and not succeeded; so he had tried to pose an unanswerable question and not succeeded. This contract was the fourth trick which had failed, thanks to Humfrey's determination and insight. Would there be another trick? If so, what would it be?

  Lacuna looked up. The others were looking at her. Oh, no—she had been automatically transcribing her thoughts, and they were-now being printed on the wall. There were no secrets here!

  "There will be one more trick," Humfrey said. "But it will be possible to navigate it, if we are sensible. The Demon can not actually cheat. There must always be a way through, however devious, or he defaults."

  Only one more trick. That was a relief! Lacuna turned away from the wall, preferring not to see her thoughts displayed. Fortunately she was such a dull person that no one else was really interested in her thoughts anyway.

  "Right you are," Humfrey agreed absently.

  "Don't mind him, dear," the Gorgon murmured.

  "He only speaks when he's interested, even if only to grump."

  That made Lacuna feel better. But she tried to cut off her thoughts, without much success.

  "Well, let's go," Jot said, walking toward Hell's door.

  "Yes, let's make the exchange," Tittle agreed, pacing him.

  And the Demon, she realized: he must have wanted this also. Perhaps because the Gorgon was in her way as great a prize as Rose in her way. Rose could grow flowers in Hell; the Gorgon was now a successful actress. The Demon must want to keep her, but could not unless he made the deal. What a cynical bargain!

  The two children paused at the door. As one, they glanced back at Lacuna, knowing her thoughts. So did Humfrey. She felt a chill, not of danger but of understanding. These folk were frighteningly intelligent and cynical. How could any ordinary person compete?

  "We don't try, dear," the Gorgon murmured, walking beside her. Then Lacuna realized that the Gorgon, too, was getting something she wanted: instead of waking and returning to her life as a housewife, she would get to continue her dream career, at least half the time. Hell, it seemed, was not much of a specter to one who was making a career in bad dreams.

  The twins pushed open the door. "Come on," Jot said.

  "All of you," Tittle said.

  They walked through the door: the twins, Humfrey, and the Gorgon and Lacuna. The print followed along on the wall and when necessary the floor, recording the scene.

  Hell turned out to be a barren, smoky, windy place. Everything was soiled gray: the ground, the walls, the sky. Lacuna coughed as she breathed the bad air, but the Gorgon's thick veil seemed to protect her.

  The path led upward. Then abruptly it was too hot and dry, with a blazing sun and withered trees.

  They followed the path on around and down into a gulch—and here it was clammy wet, with greasy dirty water forming on the skin.

  Farther along, it was cold, with grimy snow on the ground and a storm approaching. But when the storm arrived it was mostly just violence, threatening to blow them off the path.

  Lacuna was beginning to understand the nature of Hell: the weather was always wrong.

  Then they came
to a garden, and there were roses. The air became sweet with their fragrance, and the climate was almost nice. Red, yellow, and blue: the rarest roses known. This had to be the magic of Princess Rose, making even Hell become pleasant in this one limited region.

  An there she was, a woman of middle years, kept at the age she had been when brought here in the hand-basket: Rose. Now she was somewhat plump, her hair becoming ash gray, but even so, more attractive than Lacuna herself, because she was interesting rather than dull. She was in work clothes, but these were well tailored and well cared for. She did not see the approaching party, being intent on her work.

  “Hey, Rose-hips!" Jot called.

  "Someone to see you, petal-ears," Tittle added.

  Rose looked up from the orange-striped rose bush she was tending. Her mouth curved into a rose-petal bow of surprise as she peered past the twins to fix on Humfrey. "My husband! You have come at last!" Then she saddened. "Or did you die?"

  "I did not die," he said, walking up to her. "But I had to compromise. I can free you only part time."

  She brushed herself off and embraced him. "Part time is better than no time. But how is it that you have come now, after ninety years? You don't look ninety years older."

  "I've been using youth elixir. I could not rescue you before, so I took Lethe elixir. When it wore off, I came here. However, there is a complication."

  "There always is," Rose said wisely.

  "I remarried."

  "I know. Sofia is here too."

  "But she was Mundane!"

  "Yes, she was surprised to find herself here when she died, but not unduly dismayed. She said it wasn't much worse than Mundania in bad weather. Taiwan is here too, and even MareAnn."

  "MareAnn!" Humfrey echoed.

  "Sofia is your wife too," Jot said.

  "And the Maiden Taiwan," Tittle added.

  Lacuna began to see the trap being sprung on Humfrey. He had made a deal to get his wife out for a limited time—but there were three wives here. How could he rescue one and not the others?

  "And who are your friends?" Rose inquired, becoming aware of the remaining two women.

  "This is Lacuna, who is recording my history," Humfrey said. "And this is the Gorgon, my fifth wife."

  Rose frowned. It was almost as if she were becoming aware of a problem. But she kept it to herself. "So nice to meet you, Gorgon. Are you alive or dead?"