by M. Malone
Tank winces and pulls his hand back. "That's what family is for, right?"
Finn kisses me lightly on the cheek. "Sasha, this is my fiancée, Rissa."
We shake hands and then she's back in Finn's arms.
"This is a gorgeous room. I love the colors." I direct my comments to Rissa. The room is decorated in mainly muted shades but with strategic pops of color. The yellow throw pillows are the kind of thing I can't ever imagine a guy buying for himself.
Her eyes light up. "I finally convinced Finn that we need a little more color in here. If he had his way everything would be beige."
Finn shrugs. "It's practical. Brown matches everything."
Rissa gazes up at him adoringly. Next to me, Emma is looking at Tank the same way. Suddenly the room feels suffocatingly small. Everywhere I go I'm surrounded by lovey-dovey types and even though I don't begrudge my friends their happiness, it's getting harder and harder not to ignore the emptiness I feel that there's no one standing by my side.
"I think I'm going to take a walk. It's a little stuffy in here."
Tank shifts uncertainly. "There are parts of this area that still aren't safe. Maybe we should go with you."
Finn eyes me knowingly. "Why don't you go up to the roof? It's got a great view and it's only accessible to residents. You can have a breather from all the noise."
I smile at him gratefully. "That sounds perfect."
After retrieving my coat, I ride the elevator up one floor. It lets me out in a small sitting area that leads to a wraparound outdoor space. Wow. I knew that Finn renovated this building when he bought it but I wasn't expecting anything like this. Most of the rooftops in the city are dirty and kind of scary looking. This looks like the outdoor seating space at a restaurant. I feel my tension start to melt away.
I lean against the brick wall and look over the rooftops of the shorter buildings in the distance. Way up here, everything looks so small. But at least I'm alone finally.
Always alone.
Until I open my eyes and see the dark shape standing next to me. Air escapes in a little gasp and I instinctively move back. The man standing there has on a long black trench coat and one of those old fashioned hats like men used to wear back in the forties. My breath freezes in my chest. It's the guy from the business office. The gorgeous one.
"You. What are you doing here?" I meant to say it forcefully but it comes out in such a breathy way that if I didn't know better would make me think I'm happy to see him. Which is crazy since he clearly is a stalker of some kind.
"Getting some air. I love this view."
"Of all the rooftops in all the world, huh?" I consider whether I should just turn around and go back inside. Seeing him turn up like this is seriously creeping me out.
He chuckles. "Your expression gives away everything you're thinking. I'm not some weirdo. I come up here every time I visit my brother. I'd say it's more likely that you are stalking me."
"I'm here because my friend lives in the building and recommended it. And I was here first."
He holds up his hands and backs away slightly. "Friend? Boyfriend?"
"Maybe." I'm sure he can tell I'm lying but there's no way I'm admitting to him that I'm alone.
"Lucky bastard," he mutters.
I come back to my previous spot at the wall and look back out over the city. Night comes so quickly now and the temperature has dropped enough that I can see my breath. Inhaling, I take in the cool, fresh air.
"Okay, I'll bite. Why the sigh?"
"What?"
He gives an exaggerated sigh and then bats his eyelashes. I realize that he's imitating me.
"I did not do that."
"Yes you did. Quite dramatically I might add. What could a girl like you possibly have to be sad about?"
A little tingle of pleasure at his words is drowned out by the dismissive way he looks at me. I'm so tired of people thinking they know what I'm about. What I need.
"I'm not sad. I'm just thinking. Okay maybe I'm a little sad but only because some of the things I've been thinking about make me feel like a jerk."
"Like what?"
"I don't know why you're even asking. Clearly you don't care and we don't even know each other. We are not friends. I don't even know your name."
"Damn that's harsh. I really thought we had something. The way you looked at me yesterday. Then when you came to my house last night wearing that little black dress. I really felt a connection."
My startled laugh echoes a little. "Since that never happened I'm going to assume you've been hallucinating."
He grins and looks so unrepentant that I can't help but smile back. He really is very handsome. That little spark of recognition that I felt that first day flares again even stronger this time. I can't figure out why I feel like I know him. If we'd gone to school together, I would remember. This is not the kind of guy you could forget.
"That last part didn't actually happen? Well, you can't blame a guy for his fantasies. And my name is Gabe." He holds out his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Gabe." It feels rude to ignore him so I take his hand and shake it.
"Okay now that we're friends, why would you feel like a jerk? You can tell me. I'm just some random guy on a rooftop. You can be honest."
I huff out a breath and scratch at a groove in the brick wall. "My friends are all coupled up and so happy. It's wonderful, really. Just not the easiest thing to witness when you're always alone."
He doesn't turn, just keeps looking over the city. The sounds of the traffic below merge with the whisper of the wind and the soft sounds of our breathing.
"It's a strange and terrible thing to be alone while surrounded by people who love you."
His softly spoken words touch something deep inside of me. I can tell that he's not just spouting platitudes or trying to make me feel better. He understands loneliness.
"Yes, it is."
We stand in companionable silence for a few more minutes before I'm aware that he's turned slightly and is now watching me.
"I can feel you staring."
When I look over at him, he's smiling. "Men look at beautiful women. Is it really so shocking?"
"I'm not going to date you. Whatever this is, it's not going to work out. Any time I'm attracted to a guy, there's a one hundred percent chance that he’s a jerk. So, I'm taking a break for a while."
"So you admit that you feel it, too? Besides, I thought you had a boyfriend?" The smug grin on his face grows even wider.
Caught, I ignore the question. But just standing this close to him has already caused a number of reactions that I'm sure he's aware of. My pulse has been racing the entire time and I'm grateful I'm wearing this big coat. I have to resist the urge to cross my arms over my suddenly sensitive breasts.
"It's okay. I'm not dating either."
I send him a dark look at that statement. I'm not sure if he's making fun of me or not but there's no way a guy who looks like him isn't out there racking up as many notches in his bedpost as possible.
"I'm serious. Finding the right person is damn near impossible and being with the wrong person, well, that's worse than being alone. Have you ever wondered if the person you're supposed to be with is right under your nose but you turned left instead of right one day and missed them?"
His question surprises me. It's way more contemplative than I would have expected from him. It reminds me that I can't assume I know anything about his life either.
"That sounds like the kind of thing that would happen to me."
At his curious stare, I find myself explaining. "Things have a tendency to go left when I want them to go right. Sometimes it feels like the more I want something, the less likely it is to happen." I start to say more but stop myself. Why am I telling him all of this?
"Why did you stop just now? What were you going to say?"
I won't meet his eyes. It feels strangely intimate, talking to him like this but I have to remind myself that he's a stranger. He's beautiful and very
easy to talk to but he's still someone that I don't know well.
"It's nothing."
He makes a soft sound of disagreement. "Come on. What have you got to lose telling the truth? You don't know me and I don't know you. You can finally say all the things you really want to say but can't most of the time. All day long we censor ourselves, tone things down or edit out the unpalatable bits of life and sometimes I wonder if we're losing the ability to be honest. Everyone is so afraid of causing offense that we've ceased saying anything that really matters."
His speech feels almost like it's aimed at me. Isn't that what I do all the time? I'm constantly making decisions about what I should talk about or not talk about. There are so many things that I can't say to my parents, my sisters or even my friends because they just don't get where I'm coming from and I'd rather say nothing than argue.
"That's easy for you to say, Mr. Perfect. You've probably never failed at anything. Whereas I seem to fail at everything. My singing career. Relationships. And today I found out my family is backing out of investing in my new business. Just one more thing to add to the failure pile. I should have just stayed home tonight for a little chocolate therapy. I'm not good company right now."
He turns back to look out over the city and I'm presented again with the perfect line of his profile. The lines of stress around his eyes do nothing to diminish the beauty of his face, only emphasizing it.
"You'd be surprised by the things I've failed at. The people I've let down. I'm talking about the kind of stuff that usually results in jail time. I wasn't a very good person for a long time. But I'm trying to change."
He moves closer and tucks a stray curl back behind my fur hood. The motion forces him to lean down slightly since he's so tall and my heart rate speeds up as I catch a hint of his scent. His finger brushes gently against my cheek and my mouth falls open slightly at the soft touch. It takes all my willpower not to turn into the caress and rub my cheek against his hand.
Oh, what is it about this man? Everything about him calls out to me and makes me want to rub up against him like a kitten. The thought jolts me back to where we are. On a rooftop, in the cold, while my friends party a floor below without me.
"I should get back. The party will be over soon. I feel bad for bailing out."
"Party?" His hand lingers in the air, like he's about to touch me again. My stomach tightens, preparing for the touch, but then suddenly, he smiles.
"Yes, you should go. I have a feeling fate will throw us together again. Soon."
It seems like an odd thing to say but then again this entire conversation has been strange. So I decide not to say anything, instead giving him a small smile before I turn to go. I'm halfway to the door when he calls my name.
"Sasha?"
He pushes away from the wall and comes to stand right in front of me. In the moonlight, the masculine beauty of his face is even more apparent. He doesn't even seem real. Like he's just some illusion my mind has conjured up to torture me.
"Failing at something isn't the same thing as being a failure. That's like saying a person who falls down is the same thing as a person who can't walk. You may not have found where you belong yet but you will. And when you do, you're going to shine in all the ways that really matter."
"Thank you." His words touch me deeply. I know he's just trying to make me feel better but it still gives me a warm feeling that someone believes that I'm more than just my mistakes. That I'm destined for more.
As I ride the elevator down a floor to Finn's level, I think back on our strange conversation. It shouldn't have taken a stranger to make me see my course but when I think about it, I’d been more honest with Gabe in that short conversation than just about anyone else in my life.
And I know nothing about him other than his name.
* * * * *
A few minutes later I reenter the party. There's even more people here now and several of them look drunk already. I must have been out on the roof for longer than I realized. I fold my coat over my arm and drop it on one of the chairs facing the window. Finn and Rissa are dancing, swaying sensually in a way that says they'll be doing a lot more than dancing once they're alone again.
Maybe I should just make my excuses and go home. Even though I was hoping to make some business contacts, I really don't want to ruin Finn and Rissa's party with my dark mood. The only person who'll notice if I'm not here is Emma. I feel guilty leaving before Kay and Eli arrive but it's not like they don't know a lot of the people here. Tank works for Eli so they would have been coming anyway.
I start walking toward Emma, ready to make my excuses, when someone grabs my arm. I turn, startled to see Kay. Eli stands just behind her and nods hello.
"Hey! We just got here. Nice party, huh?" Kay looks around the crowded room.
Eli brushes a quick kiss against Kay's forehead. "Sit down and put your feet up." He whispers it but since we're standing so close I can hear him.
We both watch as he walks across the room and joins Tank, who is standing with a group of men I don't know. They clasp hands and then a few seconds later masculine laughter rings out.
"What's going on with you? You had a weird look on your face when you came in. Why'd you get here so late?" Kay asks.
Thinking of my almost kiss with Gabe up on the roof, I'm sure I did look weird when I first came in. Probably weird and sexually frustrated.
She moves to the couches set in front of the windows. I take a seat right next to her.
"Oh, I was here earlier to help Emma set up. I just went to the roof for some air. I've been distracted all day. Thinking about the club. I didn't get to tell you that I finally signed the lease for the space.” I haven't told Kay about my family backing out of the deal. I know my best friend and she'll feel obligated to offer to help. I don't want her to ever feel like I'm taking advantage of her generosity.
“Congratulations! It's going to be awesome. I'm going to help and Eli has that cousin who does event planning, remember? She told me that she'd love to help you plan the grand opening.” Kay leans back and sighs heavily.
She looks exhausted. She hasn’t said anything yet but I strongly suspect that she’s pregnant. I remember when she was carrying Hope and the main things she craved were chocolate chip cookies and afternoon naps.
"So, what were you doing up on the roof?"
I can feel myself blushing so I look around, hoping Kay doesn't notice. Finn is now behind the counter in the kitchen. There’s a man sitting on one of the barstools chatting with Finn while nursing a beer.
”Do you want a drink? I'm going to get another drink. I'll be back."
"Okay, I'll just have water though." Kay looks perplexed at my sudden announcement but then Emma sits down next to her. I take the opportunity to slip away.
Finn looks up when I approach the counter and hoist myself up on one of the barstools.
"Sasha, this is my brother Zack." He gestures at the man sitting next to me. "Emma told me you're looking for some business advice. Zack is a small business owner."
So this is one of my choices. I try to check him out without being completely obvious. Zack has an impressive array of tattoos covering his arms and dark hair fashioned into a row of short spikes. He's handsome like his brothers, although in a completely different way.
"Hi. Nice to meet you."
He raises his beer in my direction. I don't know that much about Tank and Finn's situation, just what Emma has told me, but I know that they have several half siblings they never knew about. This guy is the last person here that I would have pegged to be related to Finn but when he smiles at me, there's a welcoming twinkle in his eye. Despite his intimidating exterior, I get the sense that he's a pretty easygoing guy.
I turn back to Finn. "Sorry I was gone so long. That view from the roof is amazing."
Finn nods. "I go up there all the time. It's a great place to think. Very peaceful."
I would agree but my thoughts turn to my mysterious stranger. There's nothing peac
eful about the way I feel when he's around. He seems to bring out the best and the worst in me, inciting me to give a voice to my darkest desires and my most shameful truths. But he never made me feel bad about anything I revealed. He seemed to get it: how isolating it can be when you're surrounded by successful people and you know you can never measure up.
But that sense of connection was surely a fantasy. A man who looks like that could never understand what it's like to be a failure. He was just being nice.
And just that quickly I'm a little depressed again. It was nice to share that sense of camaraderie. For a little while it felt like it was just the two of us but it's time to come back to reality.
Suddenly Finn breaks into a huge smile. "Hey, you made it!"
The barstool next to me slides out and someone sits. "I was on the roof. You know I love that view."
That voice, smooth as silk, wraps around me. Oh no.
I turn to my left and look directly into the laughing eyes of my mystery man.
chapter four
GABE
Sasha turns and our gazes collide. At Finn's introduction, she holds out her hand in greeting and I seize it before she can change her mind. Slowly, the shock in her eyes fades to be replaced by anger. After a moment she looks back and forth between Finn and I and then narrows her eyes at me.
Finn claps me on the shoulder. "Gabe is the other entrepreneur in the family. He owns the shop with Zack."
Zack leans forward. "If you have questions about the paperwork, Gabe is more your guy."
"Yeah, I'm your guy," I echo and her eyelashes flutter at the hidden innuendo in the words.
Dimly, I register that Zack is still talking but all my attention is fixed on Sasha's hand in mine, the warm silk of her skin, the fragrance that teased me up on the roof taunting me again.
She smells like candy.
My phone rings, the sound muffled through the layers of my coat. She tugs, forcing me to release her hand, which I finally do reluctantly. The sensation of her skin sliding against mine is almost worth the loss of her warmth.