by M. Malone
I open my laptop and put on my headphones. For the first time in months, I navigate to Youtube and pull up the video.
THE VIDEO. The bane of my existence and the one thing my family and friends know they aren't allowed to talk about.
I glance over at Kay quickly but she's absorbed in something on her e-reader so I tentatively press play. I'm braced to feel the same sense of humiliation as the first time I'd realized my audition was out there for all to see and make fun of.
I watch on the screen as I walk onstage. Oh god, I still remember how it had seemed like an endless number of faces in the audience. The first judge, an older man with a head of shocking white hair speaks first.
“State your name.”
“Sasha Whitman.”
“And what are you going to sing for us today?”
“I’m going to sing 'Falling Hard' produced by Jackson Alexander.”
The camera pans to the judges who all have the same pasted on smiles. As the music starts onscreen, I swallow a tickle of panic. This was when Chaz’s last words to me had started running through my mind. He’d accused me of being delusional, of not caring about anything other than this contest. Which he’d considered laughable since, according to him, I had no chance to win. As it turns out he was right.
Tears cloud my eyes as I watch on the screen for the moment when I stop singing mid-verse. The judges are watching me with confused expressions. It had shocked me, too. In years of performing I've never forgotten the words to a song. The onscreen version of me opens her mouth over and over and then turns and bolts from the stage.
That’s when it happens.
I trip and end up sprawled over a speaker, my skirt flipping up to reveal my yellow polka-dot panties.
The audience gasps and then all you hear are cheers, wolf whistles and laughter. I stop the video, the image of me with my ass on display frozen on the screen. This one picture has tormented me for months. It's been turned into online memes and endlessly mocked. The fact that my song was called “Falling Hard” and I then literally tripped and fell was an endless source of amusement for people. One moment changed the course of my life and turned me into a national laughingstock.
Anger rises and for once I don't stifle it or try to calm down. I have every right to be upset and I can't go through life pretending this didn't happen. I flash back to Gabe holding my hand the first time I showed him the club. Telling me I'm smart and that I have great ideas.
Nothing keeps you down for long, does it?
Whatever else he did, Gabe helped me see what makes me special. I don't allow things to keep me down and this should be no different.
I pull up the music software on my computer. Jackson encouraged me to work on some remixes for Falling Hard but after what happened, I never finished them. Producing was a totally different skill set and I hadn't had confidence in my work then. But things are different now.
A slow smile spreads across my face.
* * * * *
Later that evening, Eli comes in and drops his coat on the back of the couch. He looks exhausted.
Kay looks over her shoulder. "Hey, where have you been?"
Eli hesitates and glances over at me. There's obviously something going on and I can take a hint.
I close the lid of my laptop. "You guys talk. I can go upstairs."
Eli holds up a hand. "No, Sasha wait. You should hear this."
I sit slowly. Kay glances over at me with a worried look.
Eli sits and then rests his elbows on his knees. "There’s something I have to tell you. About Gabe.”
“Gabe is an asshole." I stand again. It's not surprising that Eli would go and track Gabe down after what he did to me. He's the type who takes chivalry seriously. But I don't want him apologizing for Gabe's foolishness.
"I think he said all that stuff to keep you away from him. That photo was some kind of message for him. I think he was worried for you. And he should have been." Eli looks down at his hands and then finally back up at me again. "Maybe you should sit down, Sasha."
The soft cadence of his voice fills me with dread. Gentle doesn't come naturally to Eli so the way he's looking at me and talking to me seems even more jarring. "What happened?"
"Gabe was stabbed that night after he left your house. Tank took him to the hospital."
I sit then, my breath forced from my chest when I hit the cushions so suddenly. "Oh my god. Is he okay? He's not … " Was that why Eli looked so scared to tell me? Because Gabe is dead?
"No, he's okay. He had surgery but he's out of the hospital now. Apparently he checked himself out against his doctor's advice."
"I have to go see him."
Eli looks uncomfortable. "I'm not so sure that’s a good idea. He asked me to keep you away from him. That must mean he thinks being around him is dangerous."
"I need to see him. Otherwise, you know I’ll just break away at the first opportunity. Isn’t it safer for me to go when you’re right there?"
He doesn't look happy about it but he agrees.
We're all quiet in the car on the way there. I want to call Gabe but part of me thinks that just showing up is better. If he really pushed me away for my own good, then he isn't going to want me to come now. But I need to know that he's okay and I won't believe it until I see it with my own eyes.
Zack answers the door and immediately pulls me into a hug. Relief floods through me. He seems happy so I figure Gabe can't be hurt too badly. Josie peers around the corner from the kitchen and waves. I wave back and then turn to Kay and Eli.
As usual, Kay knows what I'm thinking.
"Go on. Don't worry about us. Take all the time you need."
I let out a deep breath and then with another encouraging nod from Zack, I climb the stairs. I push open Gabe’s door and walk into the dim interior of his room. At the first sight of him, I can't help it. I gasp out loud.
His eyes pop open. The one that's all purple and swollen only opens halfway. "I must be in heaven or somewhere like it."
It's such a Gabe thing to say. Even when he's in pain he's trying to charm me.
"Haven't you learned by now pickup lines don't work on me?" I sink down next to him and push his hair off his forehead gently. I'm scared to even touch him. Every inch of his skin looks bruised and he has a huge bandage on the left side of his torso.
"My angel. It's not a line if it's the truth," he whispers.
Then he seems to wake from his half dream state. His hand grabs mine. "Sasha? You're here. You're really here."
"I am. I had to see you. Even if you lied to me I had to know that you're okay."
"No, you can't be here. It's not safe. Zack! Zack!" He yells over and over until his brother appears in the doorway. "You have to get her out of here. Keep her safe."
I shake my head. "I remember you telling me once that I was stuck with you until I was well enough to kick you out. Well, it's your turn now. I'm not going anywhere."
Zack smiles at us both. "It looks like you're in good hands. Sasha, his pain pills are on the nightstand. He's due for another dose in about an hour."
Gabe looks mutinous. After Zack leaves, I touch his hand lightly. "Is it really that hard to have me here?"
He turns toward me, the agony the movement causes him evident when he grimaces halfway through. "It's hard for me every day that I wake up and you're not with me. But I want you safe more than anything else."
His words stoke a renewed hope within me. "But you said … "
"I lied, Sasha. I'm a liar. A very skilled one. Convincing you that I didn't love you was the greatest con of my career. It ripped my heart out but when I saw that knife, I knew I had to do it."
I remember the picture and its ominous message. Eli had said that he thought Gabe was trying to protect me. Suddenly his cruel words and abrupt departure make a lot of sense. And the love I've been trying to stifle comes roaring back.
"Well, you aren't getting rid of me that easily." I rest my head on the only part of his body
that isn't bruised, his shoulder. As I cry softly in happiness and relief, I feel him kiss the top of my hair gently.
"I love you so much, Sasha."
After a few minutes, I remember that Kay and Eli are still downstairs waiting for me. "Hold on. I'll be right back."
He nods drowsily. I walk back downstairs. Josie and Zack have disappeared. Kay and Eli are sitting in the living room holding hands. They both jump up when I appear.
"I'm going to be staying here for a little while. I'll get my stuff later but for now, yeah. I'll be here." I can tell I'm beaming when I say it.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Eli looks so worried that all I can do is give him a hug. The big lug has really grown on me lately.
"I'm sure. I know what I want now."
"Oh honey, I'm so happy for you." Kay holds out her arms and hugs me close. When she pulls away, we're both wiping away tears.
Eli pulls Kay into his arms. "Come on, baby. Let Sasha take care of Gabe so I can take care of you."
I give Eli a grateful smile and walk them to the front door. He turns at the last second. "Sasha? The love of a good woman can overcome a troubled past. I'm proof of that." Then they're gone.
Upstairs, Gabe stirs when I come back in the room. I can tell he's been medicated because his eyes are slightly unfocused and he seems to have trouble following my movements around the room. I had started leaving random things at his house anyway so I pull out a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt and change my clothes. Then I climb carefully into the bed next to him.
"I'm so sorry. So sorry, beautiful girl."
"Shh, it's okay." I hold a finger to his lips to stop the stream of apologetic words.
I'm just so grateful, so incredibly grateful that he's still here. That we get to have these moments. If things had ended differently, he could have been taken from me and I would have never known why. Worse, I would have lived the rest of my life thinking his cruel last words to me were the truth.
He turns his head and it hurts me to see what the effort costs him.
"I know you don't like the idea of just living together. You're a good girl." He smiles. "And I love that about you. So let's get married."
The hand that's stroking his hair freezes. Then my eyes fall on the medication bottle on his nightstand. Understanding dawns and I can't resist kissing the tip of his nose. He's so damn cute.
"Gabe, I think your medication is making you loopy."
He reaches up and grabs my hand. The gravity in his eyes makes me pause. He doesn't look delirious. But he has to be.
"I'm not dreaming and I'm completely serious. I am in love with you. And I don't ever want us to be apart."
Even though my heart sings, I know that a decision made in the spur of the moment isn't the best way to start a lifelong commitment. "I'll tell you what. If you still remember this conversation in the morning, then we'll do it."
He chuckles and then falls quiet. As his breathing evens out, I wonder if he'll remember this conversation tomorrow and be embarrassed. Just when I'm sure he's asleep, he opens his eyes again.
"Sasha? I want to tell you something."
"You can tell me anything."
He hesitates, as if he's afraid of how I'll take what he's about to say. "I was always a good liar. A master of manipulation. I didn't need to take people's money because if you know what you're doing, you can make them think it's their idea to give it to you."
"I have to admit, I still don't quite understand it. You have a good heart. I know you do." Even though he's changed, he still carries this negative view of himself. But I've seen the way he treats people. The way he cares for his family. For me.
"That's the most important part of a con. It's the appearance of being harmless. People always think they need to fear the boogeyman or some scary figure with a gun. But there are so many crimes committed using nothing more than a phone or an Internet connection. It's not the boogeyman we need to fear; it's the people we think are our friends. But Sasha you brought out things in me that I didn't know I could feel. You taught me what love was."
Even though my heart is bursting, I try to rein in my tears. I've spent a long time waiting for the man who could see past the performance I put on for the world and look deeper to who I am inside. This is a time for happiness, not tears.
“You did the same for me, pretty boy. Now get some sleep.”
His eyes stay on mine for a long time until he finally falls to sleep. Eventually I drift off too, still holding his hand.
Some things are worth holding on to.
chapter seventeen
GABE
Six weeks later …
I lean against the wall in The Lounge, Sasha’s newly renovated jazz club, and watch the love of my life work the crowd. The last few weeks have been a flurry of activity as she attacked planning her grand opening celebration with renewed energy and vigor. Since I’d paid contractors to build out the space, she’d been able to order furniture and concentrate on hiring servers.
I’ve been slowly recovering from Blade’s attack and things have been quiet. Max has left the country and we’re all stuck in a sort of limbo waiting to see what will happen next. Not that I’m taking any chances with Sasha’s safety. I told her that she would have a permanent shadow for the rest of her natural life whether she wants one or not.
When I stand up straighter, my side aches slightly. My injury made it difficult for me to help Sasha as much as I wanted to. Although I’d offered more financial help, she’d declined. When I’d finally come to visit the club and seen the expensive furniture and light fixtures that she’d had installed, I’d been worried that she was putting herself into debt to finance it all.
With a secretive little smile, she’d opened her laptop and pulled up a website. On the screen was a video entitled “Falling Hard / Failing Hard REMIX.” We’ve had several conversations about how her moment of humiliation has affected her life. She told me about how for months her family wasn’t even allowed to mention the name of the show. So I was shocked that she wanted me to actually watch the video.
“Sasha, what is this?”
She hit play on the video and after an advertisement was shown, the video of her audition played. It had been overlaid with an auto-tuned remix of the song. At the part where she falls and her skirt flips up, the video has it on a loop so she’s shown falling over and over again while her own voice sings “Falling hard, Falling-Falling-Hard.” Her exposed bottom is stamped with the words #EpicFAIL.
The way it was edited actually made it even funnier.
Before I could stop myself I laughed. Horrified, I clapped a hand over my mouth only to look over and see that Sasha was laughing, too. So hard she had tears in her eyes.
“Either you are really well-adjusted or there’s something I’m missing. Sasha, whoever did this has made this video even more popular than it was before. You’ll never be able to get away from it. Look at the views!” The video had been played more than a million times.
Sasha grinned and pointed to the screen. I peered closer and that’s when I noticed the user name of the person who uploaded the video. SashaSass. I looked over at her in astonishment.
“That’s right, pretty boy. Every time those haters click on this to laugh at me, I’m getting ad revenue. They can laugh but they’re paying for my club!”
There’s a sudden roar from the crowd in the club and I look up to see that Sasha’s on stage. The music starts from her now infamous single “Falling Hard - Failing Hard.” Her remix of the original song was so popular that she’s now working on a full-length album. She’s determined to do it her way: sassy, sexy and jazz-inspired. The crowd sings along with the chorus and when she reaches the end, she flips up her skirt playfully to reveal yellow polka-dot shorts.
I laugh along with everyone else. Sasha giggles and then turns the mic over to the next act. As soon as she comes off the stage, I’m there to meet her. She accepts my hand and then hugs me gently.
“Sasha! Y
ou were amazing.”
We turn to see her sisters. Sasha squeals and before long she’s in the middle of a big, messy group hug. It took time for her family to come around but once they saw Sasha’s enthusiasm and her incredible savvy, they started taking her more seriously. No matter how strong she is I know that having her family in her corner means the world to her.
“Congratulations, sis. You really did it. This place is great. And Dad is over the moon.”
Her sister Audra points across the room to where Sasha’s parents stand at the bar. Her father has a faraway look on his face. I know he’s in a good place tonight because he didn’t give me too much hell when I talked to him earlier. Although the fact that I was asking for his permission to ask for Sasha’s hand in marriage probably went a long way toward his being so friendly.
After my hasty marriage proposal, I never mentioned it again. My sweet girl hasn’t brought it up either. I think she has assumed that I was so out of it that I don’t remember the conversation. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just want her to have everything. Including a proper proposal from a man who doesn’t look like he’s at death’s door.
I pat my pocket nervously. I’m not going to do it here. This is Sasha’s moment. Pride swells as I watch her shake hands with her producer and several of the artists who have performed tonight. Just like I told her she would on the roof that night, she’s finally found her place.
And even in a room full of stars, she’s shining the brightest of all.
* * * * *
When we arrive home that night, Sasha does the same thing she always does: drop her handbag and slip out of her shoes. I follow her upstairs and then wait until she’s changed into a nightshirt and shorts for bed. I strip down to my boxers, gripping the ring box in my hand. Once I slide under the covers, I move over so she can rest her head on my shoulder. Her hand plays with my hair idly and I have to smile.