“If you love something … let it go. Ruben, you’re free.”
I should stop. I should turn my ass around and fix this. I should do something, anything but walk out the door. Yet, do I listen to the voice in the back of my head? No, not one bit. I walk outside without giving her a second look back, too afraid of what I will see.
The heaviness in my chest weighs me down as I mount my bike and take off for the compound. Tank and I have a transport to Florida. It’s a small shipment of gym equipment going to Marco for a mixed martial arts gym. Apparently, Marco’s Boys are getting some upgrades. We watched them fight a while back when we were on a different run in Florida.
The energy during the fight was electric. Tank wanted to jump in and beat some ass for Sly. I got amped watching Huck fight. It’s a shame he’s only training now. No more fights. Great guys and badass fighters. It will be good to go down and get my head out of my ass for the weekend.
I climb into the truck’s cab with my mind reeling. If you love something, let it go. What the hell does she mean by that?
I send a text to Boomer to check on Vida later today for me. His reply is exactly what I thought he would say—he already planned to. The Hellions are family. They will make sure she’s taken care of while I’m away.
“Wanna talk about it, brother?” Tank asks not long into our drive.
I smirk and continue to look out of the windshield. “What makes you think I’ve got something to talk about?”
We are men, bikers at that, so we don’t talk about our feelings, our problems. Unless it’s about beer, boobs, or banging, we don’t have much to say.
“You’ve got that look, Ruby.”
I give a half laugh. “What look is that, Tank?”
“The one that screams you’re deep in thought.”
The space around us feels smaller. I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to admit I left behind my woman after I broke her heart. I don’t want to tell him I’m pretty sure I shattered the life we built together. More than that, I don’t want to tell myself I may have fucked up everything, and I’m not sure if it really was a mistake. I have never been so confused in my life.
“Just shit on my mind.”
“The kind that can drive a crazy man sane?”
I run my hands through my hair yet don’t answer.
“The woman at home on your mind?”
I look to my brother in the driver seat. He’s been through hell and back. He knocked on the devil’s door and came back to life. It was a hard battle to get things back on track for him and his ol’ lady Sass. They weren’t even together when he took six bullets to his body and lay in a coma. She moved on, found a new life … away from the club. He fought back the darkness to live in the light with her now.
Jenna and I didn’t have that. We have always had an intense love and passion, but once she came to America, it was me and her. There was no crazy push and pull; she was it for me, simple enough.
I look to my Hellions’ brother. We have a long ride ahead of us, so I might as well talk, I guess. “Ever stopped and wondered if there is more out there?”
Tank stays silent for a moment, just looking out at the highway in front of us. “There was a time before I got shot when I was always looking for something better, never satisfied. I had the best woman for me right in my arms, yet I let that get away. I wasted time and had to fight hard to get her back. When you’ve got it, you’ve just got it. Don’t go borrowing trouble.”
“I’m not. I just don’t know what’s what anymore. She’s good; we’re good. I can’t complain. The fire, the heat, it’s gone. What if there is more for me, for her, for us?”
“Brother, you’ve got good at home. Not many women can handle our world. Don’t go borrowing trouble.”
Borrowing trouble. No, I already bought myself a shit storm of trouble at home.
Soy fuerte—I am strong. I keep telling myself that, anyway. Maybe, if I repeat it enough in my mind, it will come true. If you speak it, you breathe life into it.
“Soy fuerte,” I whisper to the kitchen wall.
I can do this. For my children, I will do this. Years ago, long before I ever had children, I promised myself that they would not live in a house of fear, a house of anger, and a home with no love. Ruben is a great dad, and he can still be without being forced to stay in a loveless marriage.
I spent my night sitting on our couch, crying. It’s old and worn out; there are stains; there are frayed edges, but this piece of furniture tells a story. The peg in the back corner that replaces a lost couch leg keeps it level—we knocked it off while trying to move it into our first home together. In its cushions are the long ago memories of movies watched while cuddling. My mind goes through it all: Maritza using it to pull up when she first tried to walk and the cushions sliding off, making her fall; the nights up with RJ colicky and the only thing to soothe him was me sitting upright with him against my chest—no movement, just me and my baby boy; Mariella flipping herself around as a toddler and doing headstands. Each home, each baby, and each moment, this couch has weathered them all with us. It’s battered and beaten, but it’s strong and held us up through everything.
I trace the seam of the arm. Can I survive the storm around me? Sometimes, when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, we simply have to do the next thing.
Ruben is gone, on the road for the club for the weekend. I have two days to sort my life, my future, and most of all, my kids. Lunches are already packed, so I just need to wake them up and feed them breakfast.
Having a moment to myself, I call the one person who has been by my side even before Ruben.
“Hermana,” Julio answers groggily. I didn’t think about the time difference in Mexico when I dialed.
“Julio, I’m sorry. I’ll call back later.”
“No, talk now. ¿Qué pasa?”
I sigh, needing to just get it out. “Ruben and I have had this awkwardness between us for a while. Then, well, I guess it all just blew up. Se terminó entre nosotros.”
His tone changes. “What do you mean, it’s over between you two?”
I fight back a sob. “He’s not in love with me anymore.”
“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him.”
“Julio, no, no.” The tears are falling as I beg my brother to calm down.
“He hurt my hermana. I trusted him with you. He broke his promesa. Do you get that?” I can feel my brother’s rage through the phone.
“I didn’t call for you to get angry. I called for support. Just tell me I can do this.”
He blows a breath into the phone. “You can do this, hermana. You will do this. Your kids will have what we didn’t. They will have a life of stability in America, raised by a mother who is strong. Ruben has made his bed and lost the love of a strong woman. You will be more than okay, baby girl; you will be better for it.”
He always knows just what I need to hear. “I love you, Julio.”
“Back at you, hermana. No more tears.”
After a quick good-bye, we disconnect since calling isn’t cheap.
No more tears. I’m not going to cry anymore. There comes a point when I have to face my new reality. Crying isn’t going to change anything. Sometimes, when things get bad, you simply have to do the next thing. I have to find a way to keep going until I come out on the other side.
I finish getting myself ready to deal with my children.
The ding of their alarms go off as I rub my eyes once more. Looking to the ceiling, I send up a silent prayer that my babies won’t notice I was up all night, crying. I have to be strong for them. They didn’t ask for any of this. Adult problems are not children’s problems. This is between me and Ruben, about me and Ruben, not them. I blow out a breath and stand.
Making my way through the house, I wake each of them then go to my room to get changed.
I fight back my tears in the closet where his clothes are hanging freely beside mine. They are waiting for his return. They are here as if las
t night never happened.
He hesitated. Before he even said the words, the pause was all I needed. When you are in love with someone, there is no question, no doubt. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone. Till the day I die, I know Ruben Castillo will love me. I gave him three, beautiful children. We have survived thunderstorms in life together, and until now, we have come through, back into the light of a new day.
I run my hand over his shirts, stopping when I get to my section. My clothes hang behind my man’s. How many times have I stood behind him blindly? How many years have I been Jenna Castillo, Ruby’s ol’ lady? How long have I been his support? And where is mine?
Anger builds alongside the hurt. I can do this. I will not stay with someone who isn’t in love with me. I want my children to see the love in their home. I want my girls to know what a healthy relationship is. I don’t want to raise them to believe they stay where they aren’t wanted just to fit into some mold. That is a recipe for disaster, one I won’t set my children up to experience if I can help it.
After dressing for work, I finish getting the kids breakfast then send them off to school.
On the drive to the office, fear hits me like a sledge hammer.
If Ruben and I aren’t together, where do I fit in with the Hellions? He’s the patched member. Woman are only part of the club by their association to their men. I’m his ol’ lady, his property, his responsibility. Everything I do represents my man. Only, he isn’t my man anymore.
I get to work and start my daily tasks. The more I think on everything, the more I realize I probably should pack my desk. Maybe I’m being dramatic and taking things too far, but I can’t help it. I’m a mom, and I have to know where I stand with my job so I can provide for my kids. Ruby isn’t in love with me anymore.
I let those words sink in. Ruben is not in love with me.
Finding a box, I begin to fill it with my pictures and personal belongings. I don’t have a ton here, but I have accumulated some stuff over time.
As I pack each item, I think on how comfortable I have become here.
Comfortable.
If I had to describe everything in my life lately, that word comes to mind. Is that where it all went wrong with Ruben and me? Did we become too comfortable?
The bell on the door chimes, and I turn around to see Blaine “Roundman” Reklinger walking in the front door. His long hair is braided down his back, his goatee trimmed, and his president patch on his cut rests over his black T-shirt with jeans and black boots. Roundman is tall, built, and has a look that screams intimidation.
His deep, raspy voice cuts through the quiet of the space. “Got something to tell me, Vida?”
I open and close my mouth like a fish, no words coming out. What can I say?
He points to the box on my desk. “Going somewhere?”
As tears fill my eyes and threaten to escape, I look down at the floor, fighting them back before taking a deep breath and trying to explain. “Ruben and I are…” I can’t say it. “Well, we … um … I’m not sure I’ll be working here any further, so I—”
“You what? And why the fuck aren’t you sure about working here? Do you need a raise, time off, some shit like that?”
I put the back of my hand to my forehead, pushing to keep the tears at bay. “Ruben and I are … We’re having some problems.” I pause, trying to find the words.
“What’s that got to do with your job?”
I look up at the man, and he looks back at me in all seriousness.
“Vida, I don’t give a shit what you’ve got going on at home unless you need me to give a shit about what’s going on. You work hard, and I trust you, so if you want a job, you’ve got a job.”
When the tears fall down my face, I look down to hide them. I need my job. I like my job. I have three kids to raise on my own. I have bills to pay, and I have never been on government assistance, nor do I want to start now.
Two strong arms pull me to him and wrap me in a hug. A sob escapes me as the cold of his leather cut presses against my face, and I let my tears run freely.
“Do I need to fuck him up?”
I shake my head.
“Ruby is a Hellion, Vida, but you’re still family. If you need anything at all, you call. You two sort your shit proper. You’ve got kids. You’ve got a job as long as you want it. Don’t ever doubt your place here.”
I nod my head, feeling a small weight lifted off my shoulders. As alone as I should be in this situation, I’m not. Who would have ever thought the Hellions would still be my family even without my man?
Then again, patch or no patch, I shouldn’t doubt the club. They have always been rock solid for us.
Us … That word is my kryptonite. It cuts me so deeply I want to crumble to the floor. I can’t, though. I have kids to be strong for.
Pushing away from Roundman softly, I wipe my face with my hands and ready myself to get back to work.
He goes to his office where I hear him mutter to himself, “No fucking way am I doing that damn paperwork. I’m gonna have to pull Ruby’s head outta his ass.” He shakes his head as he closes the door behind him.
Rolling my shoulders back, I face the day. I’m a Hellion, too. Ride it out—it’s what we do.
Can’t Take It Back
As we make our way to Florida, my phone constantly rings from Julio. I know what he wants, so finally catching a moment to myself, I return his call.
“Oh, you fuck up with my sister and suddenly become unreachable?” he answers sharply.
“On a run for the club.”
“I don’t give a shit. My sister is heartbroken and you wanna avoid me. Wrong move, amigo.”
Anger builds inside me. “Don’t you threaten me, Julio. Out of respect for our past and your sister, I’ll let that one slide. Do it again and you won’t be able to threaten anyone else.”
“Punkass, I’m not takin’ shit from you when my sister is the one you fucked over.”
“Julio, it’s between us, and you’ve gotta know I didn’t mean for it to go down like that.”
“You can’t take it back.”
Before I can reply, the call is disconnected. I try to call him back, but I can’t get through, which happens sometimes.
The ride home after the successful transport is long. The calls back made the distance seem even greater. Jenna has been good to let me talk to the kids; but otherwise, she hasn’t said anything. I can hear the pain in her voice. It kills me inside to know I caused it. I also wonder what exactly she told Julio.
He’s right, though. I can’t take it back. Even if I could, would it change anything? No. I would live in the same pattern. I would remain unhappy until I finally exploded. At least this way, Jenna and I can find a way to co-parent. She’s an amazing mother to our children. We will work out what’s best for them. In the long run, it will be best for all of us as we both find our happiness again.
Life is too short to waste with regrets. I started down this path, and we’re going to have to ride this out, too.
We are locking the truck up in the back lot when Roundman comes to the gate.
“Good to see you’re back,” he greets.
Tank gives the Hellions’ president the typical half-hug, back slap man greeting. “Glad to be home. If you don’t need anything, I’m going home to my ol’ lady and Red.”
I’m sure his woman, Sass, and his son, Red are happy he will be home tonight. My kids will be happy to see me, but my wife, well, that’s questionable.
He heads off, leaving me with our leader alone.
I give Roundman the same half-hug, back slap, but when he pulls away, he doesn’t let go.
“Ruby, I don’t know what’s going on at home. I don’t need to know. You’ve got a place here on the compound, though. Always.”
I nod my head, not understanding how he knows anything.
Reading my face, he explains, “Gotta get your head outta your ass. Vida was going to quit. I told her, as long as she
wants a job, she’s got one. I don’t know if your woman will still be at home when you get there, but if she is, let her stay. Don’t make your kids move while you two find your way through whatever you’ve got going on.”
If he would have punched me in the gut, it would have hurt me less than what I feel now. Will Vida be at home when I get there? She loves her job, yet she was going to quit?
“If she’s gone, I can’t make her come back.”
“I was married once. Doll’s mom was the strongest woman I ever knew. Being a wife to this life, being a mom to young kids, it takes its toll. Your woman is strong, Ruby.”
I know about Roundman’s wife. She died when Doll was still young. He doesn’t say a lot about her, but he damn sure hasn’t moved on. What does that have to do with Jenna?
“Never said she wasn’t.”
“A woman can only take so much. No matter how strong she is, she’s still breakable.”
Feeling the need to defend myself, I bow back and stand up a little taller. “When I left here, she may have been a little upset, but Roundman, that woman was far from being completely broken,” I tell the lie to him and myself.
I know I killed a piece of her and a piece of us, but I don’t know what more I could have done. She asked a question, and I gave her the honest answer. I’m lost; she’s lost; and together, we lost it all.
Once he looks at me then releases my shoulder, he rubs his goatee as if he’s trying to form the right words. “Treat a woman like glass. She’s not fragile, but cherish her like fine china. Hold her close, hold her tight, and be mindful of all you do with her. Ya hear me?”
I nod my head, knowing he’s right yet also knowing that doesn’t fix my situation. Somehow, I have fallen out of love with my wife.
I rub my neck, my tattoo.
“Shit ain’t right for you without her.”
Looking to the ground, I kick the rocks around my feet. “Shit ain’t right for me with her, either.”
When he turns and starts to walk away, I follow. After a beat, he speaks up. “The way through life’s road isn’t always paved for us. Sometimes, we have to navigate through curves and narrow places before we can find our way to open highway.”
Heated Ride: Hellions Motorcycle Club (The Hellions Ride Series Book 7) Page 6